Look Before You Squat: One Woman’s Advice on Toilet Seats

Ladies, look before you sit.  This seems to have reached epidemic levels.  Ladies’ lady parts are plunging themselves into toilets because they aren’t looking before plopping their naked asses on seats other people pee on.  This is something I, as a lady, find confusing.  You see, I’m quite protective of my bum and genitals, thus I look before I squat.

I always have, and thus, I have never fallen into the toilet.  I am really tired of hearing women complain about men leaving the seat up like they’re being attacked and/or disrespected.  Someone just forgot.  It’s like if someone left a seat cushion off a couch…  but you’d probably see that first, and then put it back before setting your rear end on it.  How is this a guy’s responsibility?  You should be more concerned about your own bum.  You should care more.  You shouldn’t feel so entitled.  Also, it’s just a damn toilet seat.  Just move it.  You’ll have to wash your hands either way.

Yes, I think it makes sense for the person who originally moved the seat to move it back, but who gives a crap?  (Pun SO, SO intended.)

Just look.  You’re putting your naked butt (which is really close to you genitals) on something AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LOOK?

Just look.  What if there’s pee on the seat?  What if someone else’s pubes are on the seat?  Wouldn’t you want to check for that anyway?  Wouldn’t you also want to make sure there’s TP while you’re at it.  Just look.

Don’t Sniff Me, Bro!

No, really, please don’t sniff me.

Apparently, I smell amazing.  I don’t wear perfume, but I do wash myself and put on deodorant every single morning.  I even go so far as to buy shampoo and conditioner that smells great.  I buy soap that smells like flowers.  I even like how my acne-reducing face lotion smells.  So, I guess…  You’re welcome, world!

While I am thrilled that I smell so entrancingly amazing, I am not so thrilled that I was sniffed today.  That’s right, a man made creepy eye contact with me as he approached me in the copy room, then as I tried to move away from the fax machine, he paused, looked me up and down, then sniffed me.  Loudly.

Needless to say, it was friggin’ creepy.  I walked into the copy room feeling safe, I walked out of the copy room feeling as if I had been violated – like someone had stuck their face in my personal space and taken a big ass sniff right in my face.  

Why did you sniff me?  Why did you look at me like that?  Why would you want to smell a stranger?  Please don’t eat me!

All the social cues I have learned, unlearned, and re-learned later have taught me that smelling people is a little weird.  You don’t sniff your waiter, your coworkers, your accountant, your professor, etc. because it is a violation of personal space, and it makes you seem like a serial killer.  When this strange-looking stranger smelled me, I felt sure that he was planning to either murder me or sex me up; I’m still not sure what he chose.

This also just felt inappropriate for work.  You shouldn’t be making your coworkers uncomfortable; you should just send your faxes and make your copies without dramatics.  It made me feel like we were dogs, meeting each other for the first time on a public trail.  “Sniff!  Sniff!  Your butt smells new!  Yay!  I’m a dog!”  I am not a dog.  He might have been, though. Ugh!

Please, bro, don’t sniff me.

25 Clues You Aren’t In College Anymore

Congratulations, recent graduate. It’s been either six months or a matter of days since you entered the real world.How’s that treating you? If it’s not seeming like finishing school is all its cracked up to be, never fear.

If you’re feeling reminiscent and often wind up confused–am I still in school? I don’t know… I can’t remember…–here are a few clues you aren’t a co-ed anymore.

1. Large groups of people standing outside the front door of your apartment building cause you to be slightly suspicious and/or uncomfortable.

2. Screaming drunk people on Tuesday nights kind of piss you off. You have to get up at 7am and work tomorrow.

3. When you find out a lot of 18-22 year olds live in an apartment building you’re looking at, your response is a unenthused, “Oh…”

4. Girls with skirts short enough that their asses hang out actually are whores. Like, the real kind that have sex for money.

5. You look at a house with a lot of plastic dishware on the lawn and don’t think, “That must’ve been some rager.” Instead, you think, “Why doesn’t this jerkoff pick up his trash?”

6. Backpacks suddenly seem… lame.

7. You are now familiar with hangovers. Too familiar. Honeymoon period over.

8. Bad decisions made while intoxicated seem to have much more gravitas.

9. At some point, what used to be forgivable dramatic fuck ups on the part of others are now painted as rude and unnecessary. And likely unprofessional.

10. Kids complaining about their professors/grad student teaching assistants/exams/papers/[insert necessary evils of undergrad here] seem whiny and stupid to you.

11. Rather than writing that shitty freshman seminar paper, you’re grading it. And hating every minute of reading that verbal vomit you know was written between shots of Goldschlager last Saturday night.

12. Suddenly, not everyone around you is wearing the same two colors on Saturday afternoons.

13. You actually have to pay for a gym membership.

14. Suddenly, eating pizza three nights a week sounds awful.

15. You go to coffee shops to drink coffee, not cruise Facebook while pretending you’re doing homework.

16. Your Facebook tagged photos are no longer you making that face you make when you’re drunk. They’re you with your fiancée on vacation or at the office Christmas party (and you’re not drunk enough).

17. Friday is no longer part of the weekend.

18. You go to Happy Hours regularly, but you’re almost always home by midnight.

19. Sweatpants are no longer acceptable to wear anywhere but the gym.

20. Waking up at 10am is actually sleeping in, not “waking up early.”

21. There is no longer any such thing as “winter break.” There are, in fact, no scheduled breaks at all.

22. You have more than just a 30 pack of Busch light in your fridge.

23. Sometimes, on weekends, you cruise websites for home goods.

24. High school students not only seem to be younger than you, but they’re downright babies. (You started high school almost ten years ago.)

25. It’s possible, nay likely, that a dog/cat/fish has replaced your college roommate.

Shaking Hands – Not Just For Dads Anymore

Shaking hands with people is part of being an adult.  It’s not just for dads and old dudes.  People need to get used to this because it’s a normal thing for adults and business people.  Don’t be a weirdo and offer your limp hand to a stranger while mumbling something that sounds like it might be a name as you stare into the abyss that is your iPhone.  You’re an ass.  Stop it.  Shake hands like a grown-up.  People my age don’t seem to understand the value of a firm handshake while making eye contact.  People my age don’t seem to have any people skills at all.  People my age are assholes.  For real, y’all… grow up.

A proper handshake tells others that you are confident, professional, and not a complete pariah.  A weird, fumbling, limp, gross handshake tells people that you are an idiot who can’t even figure out how to hold your own hand out for shaking.  Why are you so stupid?  Perhaps, I should say, “You dumb, why?”

Shaking hands isn’t just about manners; it is a sign of your self-image.  I meet a lot of new people in both of my jobs, and introducing myself like an adult is a big part of that.  People like when I look at them.  People like when I can grab their hand confidently and properly greet them.  It’s how you learn names.  It’s how you prove you know what’s going on around.  It’s a way to gain respect.  It’s a way to connect.  It’s how you do this shizz.

Be an adult.  Shake hands.  Look at people’s eyes.  Stop texting and look say your name clearly.

Don’t look like a douche.

Don’t be a dead fish.

Just shake hands like a real person, you hag!


PS – I typed this while my finger was bleeding a lot, so it’s extra special!

The Bathroom Is NOT a Phone Booth

In the middle of my hectic workday, the bathroom is often the only quiet place I can be.  Those two minutes of silence are something I’ve come to enjoy.  Though, truthfully, I just enjoy my privacy.  When I am in a restroom, I expect to feel a sense of privacy.  I expect literal privacy too.  Lately, the bathrooms I’ve ventured to use have been attacked by loud-mouthed, pseudo-private, unsanitary phone-talkers.  First of all, you are gross, bathroom-phone-talkers.  You are all gross.  I don’t care what you do in your own home, but in a place of work, how can a person feel okay about having a long, loud phone conversation whilst pooping and/or peeing?  Have you no shame?  What will the person with whom you’re speaking think of you?  Why aren’t you worried about what your co-workers think of you?

Second, I am concerned that there are so many people who don’t seem to take if dirty body particles end up on their phones, phones that then end up on their hands and faces.  Phones are already creepily dirty – I read somewhere that phones are often dirtier than toilet seats.  Why aren’t these people more worried about germs?

Finally, I also just don’t want to hear about the personal details of your life, day, children’s life, children’s day, the soccer game you saw, the woman you hate, the state of your health, your mother’s health, your husband’s boss’s new car, the party you went to, what you hate, what you ate, what you’re thinking about, or any of that.  Most of the sounds a person hears in a bathroom are private and a little uncomfortable, phone calls are included in that weirdness.  I don’t want to hear this crap (pun-intended).  If woman are so discreet that they won’t poop in a public restroom, why will they discuss their personal lives in public restrooms?

It’s weird.  Stop it.  Please.

Reply (NOT) All

Don’t do it. You want off the listserv? Don’t you dare. I see you, about to push that reply all button. If you reply all and snottily ask to be taken off the list, instead of replying to the sender, I will find you. I will track you down with 400 of my friends and we will all slap you. Why? Because that’s how many people you just sent your request to, stupid. And 399 of them can’t do anything to help you. They are just annoyed and their inboxes flooded with your bullshit.

If you’re always so careless with your replies to emails, who knows what could happen? So do me and the rest of the listserv a favor, and think before you reply all. Otherwise, this could be you: