Congratulations, recent graduate. It’s been either six months or a matter of days since you entered the real world.How’s that treating you? If it’s not seeming like finishing school is all its cracked up to be, never fear.
If you’re feeling reminiscent and often wind up confused–am I still in school? I don’t know… I can’t remember…–here are a few clues you aren’t a co-ed anymore.
1. Large groups of people standing outside the front door of your apartment building cause you to be slightly suspicious and/or uncomfortable.
2. Screaming drunk people on Tuesday nights kind of piss you off. You have to get up at 7am and work tomorrow.
3. When you find out a lot of 18-22 year olds live in an apartment building you’re looking at, your response is a unenthused, “Oh…”
4. Girls with skirts short enough that their asses hang out actually are whores. Like, the real kind that have sex for money.
5. You look at a house with a lot of plastic dishware on the lawn and don’t think, “That must’ve been some rager.” Instead, you think, “Why doesn’t this jerkoff pick up his trash?”
6. Backpacks suddenly seem… lame.
7. You are now familiar with hangovers. Too familiar. Honeymoon period over.
8. Bad decisions made while intoxicated seem to have much more gravitas.
9. At some point, what used to be forgivable dramatic fuck ups on the part of others are now painted as rude and unnecessary. And likely unprofessional.
10. Kids complaining about their professors/grad student teaching assistants/exams/papers/[insert necessary evils of undergrad here] seem whiny and stupid to you.
11. Rather than writing that shitty freshman seminar paper, you’re grading it. And hating every minute of reading that verbal vomit you know was written between shots of Goldschlager last Saturday night.
12. Suddenly, not everyone around you is wearing the same two colors on Saturday afternoons.
13. You actually have to pay for a gym membership.
14. Suddenly, eating pizza three nights a week sounds awful.
15. You go to coffee shops to drink coffee, not cruise Facebook while pretending you’re doing homework.
16. Your Facebook tagged photos are no longer you making that face you make when you’re drunk. They’re you with your fiancée on vacation or at the office Christmas party (and you’re not drunk enough).
17. Friday is no longer part of the weekend.
18. You go to Happy Hours regularly, but you’re almost always home by midnight.
19. Sweatpants are no longer acceptable to wear anywhere but the gym.
20. Waking up at 10am is actually sleeping in, not “waking up early.”
21. There is no longer any such thing as “winter break.” There are, in fact, no scheduled breaks at all.
22. You have more than just a 30 pack of Busch light in your fridge.
23. Sometimes, on weekends, you cruise websites for home goods.
24. High school students not only seem to be younger than you, but they’re downright babies. (You started high school almost ten years ago.)
25. It’s possible, nay likely, that a dog/cat/fish has replaced your college roommate.