Stop Calling Mindy Kaling an “Up and Coming Comedienne.” She Has a Show. She’s Up. She’s Come.

If I see one more fucking article or blog post about how Mindy Kaling is “up and coming,” I’m going to lose my fucking mind.

SHE HAS HER OWN SHOW.  IT’S CALLED “THE MINDY [F’ING] PROJECT.”  SHE’S MADE IT.  SHUT UP.  SHUT UP.  SHE IS AS SUCCESSFUL AS ANY MAN COULD HOPE TO BE.

I mean, she has her own show…  Right?

the mindy project

Also, she’s been a head writer and a cast member for The Office for almost 10 years.  They hired her at 24.  She’s established.

young mindy kaling writing for the office

Oh, and she wrote a bestseller.  BEST SELLER.

kaling_211

When dudes get their own shows, do we call them “new” or “up and coming?”  NO.  Now, they’re just famous, rich, and successful.  Mindy Kaling is famous, rich, and successful.  We need to accept that women can be successful, not just nearly successful, not just almost successful.  Women don’t get the same credit.  They have to prove themselves over and over again.  Men, however, only have to prove themselves once – maybe twice.

I mean, really, are we waiting for her to get rid of her boobs and become John Hamm?  By the way, John Hamm is not an up-and-comer, and he doesn’t even have his own show, and his show is on cable.  (I think it’s very good, but you get my point here.)

When Louis C.K. got his own show, people weren’t sitting around saying: “Wow.  He’s almost comparable to other successful comedians.  We should watch him to see if he gets more successful.  What a nice young man.”

Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Martha Stewart aren’t the only successful women in the world.  Many, many women have “made it.”  They didn’t “make it” with an asterisk, or any ifs, ands, or buts – they just fucking MADE IT.

When Hilary Clinton wins the 2016 election, are we going to sit around and talk about her like she’s ALMOST there, almost made it.  Having a vagina doesn’t make your success any more or any less temporary.  What else do people think will happen?  Having boobies shouldn’t mean you have to wait to get credit from all the dudes who like touching boobies – who, by the way, are probably way too intimidated by the success of those boobies to feel good about touching them.

It is harder for women to make it in Hollywood as writers.  It is harder for women to make it in politics, business, engineering, and many other fields.  That does not, however, take away the power, the position, or the accomplishments of these women.  It does not make their successes more vulnerable or their power less permanent.  We should be, and perhaps are, even more impressed with their triumphant success over rooms filled with dicks and dick jokes.  Ladies have to work a little harder.  Ladies have to prove themselves continuously.  Ladies have to show that they can be strong without being bitches, and that they can be sexy without being stupid or desperate.  Men can be gross or fat or assholes or hardasses or softies or whatever with so much more ease.  I know that some men will take offense to this – they should.  It’s awful that this is still true in so many offices and writers’ rooms, etc.  Change it.  If you are a man and you don’t like this point of view, challenge it.  Think about the women in your field, the women in your TV.  How many are there?  What are their positions?  What are your opinions of them?  How do the men around you talk about them?  If it’s sexist or unfair, speak up about it.  If it’s not, then YAY!  I’m wrong and happy to be.

mindy kaling sag white dress sexy

My point is that women’s success seems to be compartmentalized into “women’s success” instead of just success.  Mindy Kaling isn’t “one to watch out for.”  She is literally someone you can currently watch on TV– on her show — which she created — which she writes — in which she stars.  

She deserves a little more faith from the media.  She’s a pretty big deal.  Deal with it.

Terrible Sex Advice from Magazines

Why are women’s magazines so bad at giving sex advice?  I would think that women who are comfortable with their sexuality, educated enough to work at a major magazine, and given these assignments would have some semblance of reasonable experience and the good sense to know what their partners enjoy to write decent and believable sex tips.  This is just not the case.  Sure, there are occasional gems in these sex advice columns; in an effort to be reasonable (unlike some people), I will give you a few examples of solidly decent advice.

REALLY BAD SEX ADVICE MAKES ME MAKE THIS FACE.

Some Decent Advice:

Be confident.  Wow, this is an actual tip that sex partners will appreciate.  Sexual and body confidence will go a long way in the bedroom (hopefully they aren’t alone on the “long” side).  I think most people will also enjoy their own bedroom experiences if they feel good about themselves, know what they want, and have the confidence to try things with their partner.  This one is good.

However, it’s not great.  If you are overconfident in bed, it can really, really backfire.  Haven’t we all heard stories about, or perhaps even experienced ourselves, people who think they’re amazing at sex, but are actually quite awful?  I recall a tale from a male friend about a lady who gave some boring-ass blowjobs that she thought were the best in the world.  Her blowjobs were even titled, “The Seven Levels of Heaven” (or some other stupid name she’d probably heard in a magazine).  This basically consisted of some limp licks followed by startlingly toothy deep-throats.  By his account, they were creepy, terrifying, and very NOT enjoyable.  Yet, this poor misled girl thought that she was SO good at them.   He later learned that she had, in fact, been instructed to do so by a fashion magazine.  Sadness ensues.

Be open.

That’s also pretty good advice.  Just discuss what you’re being open about with your partner.  None of this surprise S&M business.  Be responsible sexers, please.  You have to ask before you role play.  You should discuss putting frozen coins on your partner’s vagina before doing so (you’ll see this later).  Just talk first.

Terrible Advice.

Before we start, let me remind you to NOT DO THESE THINGS TO ANYONE.

“Give your man a sexy massage by rubbing his buttcheeks and blowing on his crack when you spread them apart.”
That is a real piece of advice I read in Cosmo roughly five years ago.  I still remember it because it is so, so bad.

“Bite his nipples.”
What the what?  You should discuss this first.  Also, they should specify that you shouldn’t bite hard.  I can imagine this going so wrong…

“Text your man racy one-word messages that, when strung together, hint at what you want him to do to you that night.”
Why not just send a complete sentence?  For example, “I want you.”  Another example, “I’m gonna bleep your bleep so bleepy.”

“Build momentum by keying in to an ocean legend that the seventh in a series of sea waves is the strongest. Lie on your back on a bench and have your man make every seventh thrust his most powerful.”
This is impressively specific and ultimately weird.  What happens if you lose count?  Who taught them this?  How does this conversation start, “So, I know you’re really into sailing and screwing… I have a great way to combine your loves, and it’s not sex on a boat.”

“Pop an erotic film into the DVD player, and let the noises serve as inspiration — you’ll feel like you’re in the midst of an orgy.”
Obviously the person who wrote this piece of advise has never seen “an erotic film” because there is nothing realistic or romantic about them.  Watching two actors perform exaggerated sounds of pleasure while a camera crew watches them… That’s not sexy.  Also, do you really want to see a lady with the biggest boobs of all time right before you take off your own top?  I just think this one could end poorly.  You gotta really do some research.  Lots of research.

“Put a frozen grape in your mouth and warm it up a bit. Then hold it between your teeth and glide it down his neck, around his nipples, and over his lips. Finally, use your tongue to slip the grape into his mouth.”
This is really, really detailed.

“Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body. If he’s not a fan of raw fish, use Gummi bears instead.”  
Why Gummi Bears?  I just don’t understand why they went to Gummi Bears if sushi wasn’t acceptable.

“Try light choking.”
Again, this needs to be discussed ahead of time.  This is not a quick change.  Oy.

“Surprise him with anal.”
This should not be a surprise unless previously discussed and agreed upon.

“Put a bunch of very clean (seriously, wash them first) coins in the freezer.  Then, have your man use the coldness of the coins to toy with you while he uses his tongue.  The mix of hot and cold will drive you wild.”
Coins?  Do not put coins on your hooha.  I don’t care how long you wash them.  If you really want to try hot vs. cold, use ice or the grapes from earlier.  Don’t use money.  That’s so weird.  Plus, copper has that strange smell…  I just don’t think this is sexy at all.

I’m sure I’ll write a follow-up to this.  There’s a lot of weird stuff out there.

Look Before You Squat: One Woman’s Advice on Toilet Seats

Ladies, look before you sit.  This seems to have reached epidemic levels.  Ladies’ lady parts are plunging themselves into toilets because they aren’t looking before plopping their naked asses on seats other people pee on.  This is something I, as a lady, find confusing.  You see, I’m quite protective of my bum and genitals, thus I look before I squat.

I always have, and thus, I have never fallen into the toilet.  I am really tired of hearing women complain about men leaving the seat up like they’re being attacked and/or disrespected.  Someone just forgot.  It’s like if someone left a seat cushion off a couch…  but you’d probably see that first, and then put it back before setting your rear end on it.  How is this a guy’s responsibility?  You should be more concerned about your own bum.  You should care more.  You shouldn’t feel so entitled.  Also, it’s just a damn toilet seat.  Just move it.  You’ll have to wash your hands either way.

Yes, I think it makes sense for the person who originally moved the seat to move it back, but who gives a crap?  (Pun SO, SO intended.)

Just look.  You’re putting your naked butt (which is really close to you genitals) on something AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LOOK?

Just look.  What if there’s pee on the seat?  What if someone else’s pubes are on the seat?  Wouldn’t you want to check for that anyway?  Wouldn’t you also want to make sure there’s TP while you’re at it.  Just look.

Stop Comparing Me to Fruit

I’m sure by now, most women have heard of different classifications for body shapes. There’s the “hourglass” (think Marilyn Monroe and every pin up girl ever) and the “rectangle” (as in you don’t have a natural waist) and sometimes even varieties of triangle (standard and inverse, apparently). But all of this is weird. No one actually looks like a triangle or a rectangle. Hourglass, sure, I can see that. Then there’s the stupid food comparisons: apple, pear, and (this one was new to me) banana. I’m sorry but I definitely don’t look like a piece of fruit. This comparison is just weird and nonsensical.

In this case, the fruit doesn't even fit. And that does NOT look like a banana, damnit.

I’m sorry, but none of these shapes make any sense to my brain. I just don’t get it. Supposedly, because I’m small-chested and big-bootied (is that even a term?) I’m a “pear” shape. But I’m also supposed to have tiny, wimpy shoulders (which I don’t) and thick ankles (also don’t). I get the impetus for classifying body shapes–supposedly helping women dress to flatter their most “alluring” features–but it really needs to be rethought. On top of only being able to represent these so-called universal shapes that are supposed to fit all women on the planet in odd drawings without faces or  with creepy identical faces, when someone does try to represent these shapes in the real world, you wind up with ridiculously inaccurate representations. See, for example, figure three. All of these women, despite the fact that they’ve been classified as “different” shapes, all look the same to me. They all have chests of roughly the same size, they’re all fairly lean (though red bathing suit and black bathing suit have weirdly thin thighs that don’t touch), and they all have pretty defined waists. I’m also increasingly convinced that “inv” triangle and triangle are the same woman with a bit of photoshopping on the booty/thighs area. Alternative to the “models come in all shapes and varieties of anorexic!!!” photo above is the “all women look like worn out slobs and stand with their arms awkwardly lifted and suffering from an inexplicable case of bowleggedness” picture below. Kudos to the creator for using real women, but at the same time, it seems somewhat unfair to try to accurately represent body types when you’re using women whose ages vary from the fairly young (maybe 24, “lollipop”) to the fairly old (65? “column”), and whose relative body weight fluctuates from the very skinny to the verging on obese. And forgive me for asking, but what idiot came up with these horrible names. There’s the classic food items, but wtf is a cello body shape? Lollipop? Goblet? And can we all agree that “brick” is a terrible term for a woman’s body shape? As if you could be any less interested in making a woman feel beautiful–“Yes, dear, I believe you’d be classified as a ‘brick.'” C’mon!

This is not to say that using women of a variety of ages and weights is a bad thing, but it’s hard to get a sense of your body shape if you’re at the right weight but don’t look like Ms. Lollipop, Pear, or Cornet. What about women of average weight who are hourglass-shaped? Or heavy women who are column or goblet shaped? This system just sucks, to be honest.

Additionally, in my evening internet cruising, I keep seeing advice for pear and apple shaped women that encourages them to “hide” their big hips or busts, respectively, while telling hourglass ladies to just let it all hang out cause they have nothing to hide. What kind of message does that send? The only worthwhile, sexy shape is an hourglass one, I assume. Everyone else better try to wear dark colors or use ruffles to give the impression they actually have the hourglass shape instead of just embracing the great assets they do have, regardless of whether their top and bottom halves match.

I say, eff that. Whether you look like Barbie or you don’t, stop dressing to cover up what some people like to call “problem areas” (i.e. anything that’s not an hourglass), and just start wearing what you think looks good and gives you confidence.

This week in UNACCEPTABLE: Axe for Women?

A couple of days ago, I was at the gym, doin’ my thang on the elliptical, when all of a sudden it hit me. No, really, it hit me: a giant wave of stench. It smelled vaguely like spicy rotting fruit. It was… AXE. You know, that stupid body spray that guys think will make you want to sleep with them but really just smells like they forgot to take a shower this morning? Yeah, that stuff. I proceded to gasp for fresh air, and, it being inside of a gym with no air movement, began to hack up a lung.

Seriously, though–Axe smells like the equivalent of perishable cologne. Manfume gone bad. Very bad. But dudes LOVE this stuff; especially big meaty dudes who hang out at the gym and apparently think showering is for pussies. Or something. The gym always reeks like this crap (and the smell of feet/dirty socks, but you know. It’s the gym.) I don’t understand where–other than their awful ad campaigns–guys got the idea that any self-respecting female actually likes the way this stuff smells. A shittier version of Old Spice doesn’t make me want to jump your bones. Sorry.

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, lo and behold, I was proven wrong while watching the Super Bowl.

Now women get to smell like spicy rotting fruit, too! Oh, joy. Actually it probably smells like the crappy cotton candy body spray everyone used in my middle school. I wouldn’t be surprised. I almost wished for a moment I had smell-o-vision so I could smell this strange new product. What’s the verdict? Weird rotten fruit or typical fourteen year old cotton candy smell?

More importantly, how will an ad campaign for women even work? Given that Axe’s big claim is, “Hey, AnyDude: use our stuff and hot models will come creeping out of the bushes to have sex with you all the time,” how would that work for women in a non-creepy way?

Funny or Die asked that same question, and here’s what they came up with.

Despite the crass ending to this commercial, they’ve got a point. Bottom line: Axe is unacceptable (or unacceptably bad-smelling) for dudes. It’s bound to be equally unacceptable for women, if not just plain weird.

Read more about “Axe Anarchy” in this New York Times article.

Christina Aguilera Is NOT Fat.

A lot of people have been freaking out for a while about how “fat” Christina Aguilera has become.  Really?  She’s maybe, at most, a size eight.  Isn’t the average woman a size 14 in this country?  Average Americans are generally pretty frickin’ fat; especially when compared to famous people.  Famous people are held to a truly ridiculous standard of beauty, and their bodies are scrutinized constantly.  This girl appeared on the scene as a teeny tiny teeny bopper.  Now, she’s in her thirties, and she’s a mom.  Maybe we should back off a little.

Christina Aguilera is not fat, y’all.  She’s not even close.  She just grew up, had a baby, gained some normal weight.  How dare a celebrity parade her smaller-than-average, yet not entirely waifish body around like it’s not the worst thing to ever happen?  How dare she wear leggings, jeggings, skirts, dresses, and various other Hollywood-approved items of clothing?  Okay, so she’s a little fuller.  She still has a fairly flat stomach, and she’s a curvy lady.  She has always had impressive ta-tas.  She has always dressed scantily.  She has always flaunted her curves.  Meaning that she does have curves.  Why is that so bad?  Plus, remember when she released the album, “Stripped,” and released songs like, “Dirrrty?”  DO YOU REMEMBER “DIRRTY?”

Anything is better than the weird fake tanned, stippery, midriff-obsessed, dredded, smeared, slutty, dirrrty Christina Aguilera of 2001.  Even if you think she looks “fat,” which is (I reiterate) absurd.  She looks fine.  She looks closer to normal than most celebrities, but that might be a good thing.  Don’t people like that about Kelly Clarkson?  Why can’t we like that about Christina Aguilera too?  Oh no!  Healthy, slightly normal women in Hollywood!  But what if they sound fat on the radio?  We just couldn’t have that.

Turns out, Christina doesn’t give a single eff about people being real a-holes about her weight.  She said, “I’ve been in this for a long time. I came out on the scene when I was 17 years old. ‘You can never be too much of anything. You can never be too prefect, too thin, too curvy, too voluptuous,’ this, that. I’ve been on all sides of the spectrum…  I’m very confident in my body. I think my video works over the years have spoken to that… I’ve been no stranger to being very comfortable in my own skin.”  She also said that her man likes her curves.  (Read more.)

Thus, I think we should leave it be.  If she wants to be a normal person and eat french fries sometimes, why can’t she just freaking do that?

UGH.

How to Tell Your Friend Her Significant Other Is Ugly

We all have a friend who is dating someone downright ugly. Every time you see them together, you cringe inwardly, and try to put the most enthusiastic smile possible on your face so they’re none-the-wiser. This happens. It’s not unusual. However, with the pervasiveness of social media, and some people’s tendency to post a MILLION pictures of themselves and their creepy-looking significant other, now you get to have a bird’s eye view of their makeout sessions and a little bit of their ugly permeating every part of your internet experience!

Okay, so I’m overdoing this a bit. But really, how do you tell your friend her boyfriend looks like a turtle that never closes its mouth?

First things first: emphasize her good looks. Your friend is pretty good looking. Tell her so. Maybe she’s dating turtle-man because she thinks she can’t do any better, so building her confidence will help a lot. However, you also run the risk of her sudden boost of confidence resulting in an even further overload of awful girl-on-turtle-action photos for you and everyone else she’s friends with. Beware.

Complain bitterly about hot girl/ugly dude combos on tv. There are plenty examples of this. My all-time favorite was King of Queens. Sorry, but Kevin James is not attractive, and his TV wife, Leah Remini, was smokin’ hot.

Even if your friend sticks up for James, insisting he’s “okay looking” or “at least he’s funny,” nip that shit in the bud. Stick to your guns; remember, this isn’t about Kevin James. It’s about turtle-man. Emphasize that it’s sexist and unfair that Leah Remini is so skinny, cute, and fashionable, while her husband is a tubby, sloppy, good-for-nothing. If she persists in her love for Kevin James, bring out the big guns. This is the guy that became “Paul Blart, Mall Cop.” Conversation over–you, 1; friend, 0.

If she’s worried about other girls coveting her man, make sure you chime in with, “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” Explain that he’s “different” from what most girls want. Explain that you don’t think a lot of girls would be attracted to “his type.”

When prompted with “Don’t we/Doesn’t he look cute/great/good/wonderful/whatever else” smile and tell her one of two things: You look great!” or “That’s a great shirt… did you give it to him?” Avoid complimenting him at all costs. She will try to make you. DON’T SUCCUMB!

Finally, think about why it matters that this dude is so ugly. Is it because he’s just unfortunate looking, or is there something worse going on? Is he ugly and a douchebag? Is he incredibly annoying? Is he a free-loader? Chances are that, unless you’re a miserable human being, you don’t dislike your friend’s latest flame just because he wound up with the ugly gene. You want what’s best for your friend, and an ugly jerkoff is possibly worse than just a jerkoff. So help her build her self-confidence, and when she comes crying to you about the new awful thing her boyfriend did, don’t hesitate to call her out: she deserves better.

Rompers romping everywhere

The “Romper,” also known as the “Romper Suit,” is a bizarre piece of clothing. According to the Wikipedia entry, it is “a one-piece garment worn by children and sometimes women.” Originally made for small children, women began wearing them in the 1950’s as “leisure and beach wear.”

More recently, however, I’ve begun to see them on teens and twenty somethings everywhere.

Is it just me or are rompers strangely childish? Something about them reminds me of onesie footie pajamas, but for summertime. Also, their inherent femininity seems to sprout from their nature as an all-or-nothing garment, which really bothers me. It seems as if this is a weird modern version of the chastity belt (forget quickie sex in one of these–ever), except with the alternative of total nakedness. There is no in between!

On the practical side, I also have my doubts–how do you go to the bathroom in one of these things? Do you have to strip down butt naked? Who would want to do that in an American public bathroom where you can pretty much peek through the cracks of the stalls anyway? Not me, thanks. Additionally, what if you’re a woman with a long torso? Or a short one, for that matter? It seems that it would be impossible to buy one of these things and have it fit correctly without major tailoring.

I just don’t understand why it is necessary to have pants on these. At some point, it seems to make more sense to buy a cute white dress–which I am suspicious is lurking at the far right of the above photo–that is more versatile (and when wearing, makes it easier to pee without getting completely naked).

Watching “Chubby/Curvy Chick” Porn Does Not Make You Progressive

As a self-proclaimed “curvy” girl, I am all for the praising and appreciation of curvaceous bodies.  For the record, “curvy” is referring to bodies Christina Hendricks, Beyonce, the current Christina Aguilara, Jessica Simpson, and most of the Kardashians, this term does not and should not apply to random, tiny celebrities who claim to be curvy because they weigh more than 105 lbs.

Having a B-Cup isn’t enough, ladies!  Having a big ass is sufficient.  Having annoyingly large breasts will also do the trick.  Though, you are probably going to have to weigh a little more… you know, like 125 lbs.

I think there are a lot of great websites that can help curvier girls feel better about themselves, and I think having sites like that is wonderful.

Sites like SkinnyVsCurvy are doing it the right way.  Sure, it’s gossipy and not entirely nice, but at least they give due credit to the curvy ladies who look a heck of a lot better than some of the Lexy Anorexies out there.  Being too skinny is unhealthy.  Being too fat is also unhealthy.  Let’s celebrate the healthy range in a healthy way.

Celebrating healthy bodies in a healthy way probably doesn’t mean watching porn.

Porn is demeaning to all parties involved.  Porn is a major industry.  I know that tons of people love porn, rely on it, and are overall BIG fans.  However, being a lover of porn does not make you an academic; that’s not enough.  I know that most porn features women with bodies that have been perfected and sculpted by work out routines and plastic surgeons to create unrealistic, or at least rare, results.  Just like Hollywood, porn emphasizes a very particular kind of body as idealized, and it’s a kind of body that most women cannot achieve.  Most of porn is detrimental to the female image because its “activity and subject matter” depict women as objects, nothing more than desperate, helpless, sex-crazed weirdos; it also doesn’t help that the women look like barbies.

Of course, there are more fetishes and niches out there than imaginable, which means there is also a lot of porn portraying ultra-skinny ladies, ultra-fat chicks, any race, any place, involving any imaginable thing.  Heck, pick any noun, adjective, adverb, verb… It’s in a porn-o.

That said, there is a lot, like A LOT, of chubby bunny/curvy/chubby/not-so-skinny/something called “BBW” (google at your own risk) stuff out there.  This wouldn’t normally come on my radar, but earlier a random dude yelled at me while I was running – I’m not entirely sure I caught everything he said, but he definitely referred me to a specific site.  The weirdest part of this is that he wasn’t really saying that he liked my “situation,” he was mostly pointing out that he was proud of me for being confident in my body.  WHAT?  First of all, pick a new medium.  The cat-call isn’t right for you.  Second, no.  NO.

There are a bunch of sites out there that post naked pictures of “curvy” and/or “chubby” chicks to “empower them,” and to “make them feel more beautiful.”  

How the hell is a bunch of porn going to be “empowering” for me?  Screw that bullshit!  These sites are just fetishist porn sites that are claiming to be some kind of grandiose feminism.  That’s not how it works.  Feminism does not mean you show people your vagina.  Feminism is more about being powerful, smart, and capable regardless of your genital-situation.  Curvy chicks are not being helped by exploitative sites that praise giant boobs, round tummies, and bubble butts; curvy chicks are being helped by fashion that encourages their bodies to be seen as beautiful and normal.  No woman was ever helped to feel beautiful (in a healthy way) by a bunch of half-dressed, poorly lit strangers clicking on pictures of her vagina in the middle of the night.

Glorified porn sites won’t solve eating disorders.  They will only alleviate the pressure in the pants of certain dudes (and chicks).

*At press, this writer was not considering herself especially skinny, or especially chubby.  She also has yet to visit the site recommended by that empowering drunk guy.

A Friendly Guide To Leggings… Because It’s Obvious You Need One

When I was about four or five, there were leggings. It was 1992 and they had the strap that hooked under your foot to keep them stretched. I hated them because I had overly sensitive feet and didn’t like the strap. We called them “stirrup pants.”

Eighteen years later, we apparently needed to go back to the awful stirrup pants we wore as children when we were cute, small, and it didn’t matter if our underwear and/or diaper showed through our pants. But, let’s face it. We’re adults now and this is no longer acceptable. It’s really not okay for you to be showing off your panties. I don’t care if they have the word “PINK” plastered across your ass. I just don’t want to see it.

There are right and wrong ways to wear leggings. Going to work at the office? Yeah, choose something else to wear. Skin tight cotton “pants” don’t really work here. Work at a dance studio? Perfect! Throw on those leggings. Leggings can also be okay if you’re pairing them with a long sweater or something that doesn’t showcase your rear. The image below, for example, demonstrates an appropriate way of wearing everybody’s favorite un-pants.

As you can see, the long sweater prevents any unnecessary ass-showcasing and saves me from having to read your underwear.

So, let’s get this straight: Good Leggings don’t showcase your butt in weird ways, aren’t translucent, politely conceal your underwear, and don’t look trashy/lazy/frumpy. Got it? Great.

Problem is, I don’t trust you. I know you’re going to go out there and buy an awful pair of leggings, and I’m going to hold myself partially responsible. So, I’m providing you with a simple, easy-to-use guide of What Leggings Not To Wear. Observe:

Pleather/leather leggings are a resounding NO.

Whatever these are… also a no. And put a freakin’ shirt on, lady.

Ripped leggings… Are you homeless? Do you pull your clothes out of the dumpster behind Goodwill? Then stop dressing like you do.

When pleather wasn’t bad enough, they gave us metallic leggings. Unless you’re the bastard leprechaun from Notre Dame, don’t wear these.

AKJSHDKLAJSHFKJASD?!/??!??!?!?! IF YOU ARE PREGNANT, YOU DON’T NEED TO WEAR LEGGINGS. NO!

Hopefully by now you have the tools and know-how to determine for yourself which styles of leggings are appropriate and which are not. So do us all a favor and lay off the bad un-pants.