You will continue your cell phone conversation while we are taking your order. Then, you’ll hold up your hand to her, so that she doesn’t interrupt.
There are kids with you. Oh, god. Leave your badly behaved kids at home.
You will make her say how cute your evil kids are while they are pouring out their food and breaking everything. Thank you.
You’re blaming her for food you don’t like, or prices you don’t like. She didn’t cook it. She didn’t price it.
Your specialty order is out of control. You want extra onions, no olives, extra cheese, no salsa, replace the beans with fish, replace the salt with ice cream… Something will be missed in the kitchen. You will flip out.
You didn’t tell her about your food allergy until after she brought out your food. “Oh, does this bread have wheat in it? I’m allergic.” If you have an allergy to wheat or gluten, don’t order a sandwich. If you have an apple allergy, don’t order the apple pie. Consider these rules.
You complain about the meal, after you eat all of it. Well, she could have tried to fix that… but okay.
You ask for extra napkins four times. You’re eating a hamburger. How many friggin’ napkins do you need?
You will claim there is something wrong with your diet coke. She knows that there is nothing wrong. She will either 1) walk to the back, pause, and bring the same drink back to you, and you will say it tastes better, OR 2) will walk to the same machine which filled your glass last time, dump it out, then refill it, and suddenly, you will like it. Either way, it’s the same. You have wasted her time.
You won’t leave when you’re done. She wants to put new people in your table. New people who will pay her more. You are costing her money.
She is stereotyping you based on age and the people you’re with. Super young = bad tip. Super old = bad tip. Bunch of ladies = bad tip. Bunch of douchey guys = good tip. First date = good tip. Super drunk = either super bad or stupid good. Bitches/Assholes = likely a stiff.
Oh, right. THE BAD TIP THING. For the record, 15% is base minimum. 20% for good service. 10% if the waitress attacked you, forgot your food, insulted your hair, hit on your husband, poured whiskey on your dress…