Look Before You Squat: One Woman’s Advice on Toilet Seats

Ladies, look before you sit.  This seems to have reached epidemic levels.  Ladies’ lady parts are plunging themselves into toilets because they aren’t looking before plopping their naked asses on seats other people pee on.  This is something I, as a lady, find confusing.  You see, I’m quite protective of my bum and genitals, thus I look before I squat.

I always have, and thus, I have never fallen into the toilet.  I am really tired of hearing women complain about men leaving the seat up like they’re being attacked and/or disrespected.  Someone just forgot.  It’s like if someone left a seat cushion off a couch…  but you’d probably see that first, and then put it back before setting your rear end on it.  How is this a guy’s responsibility?  You should be more concerned about your own bum.  You should care more.  You shouldn’t feel so entitled.  Also, it’s just a damn toilet seat.  Just move it.  You’ll have to wash your hands either way.

Yes, I think it makes sense for the person who originally moved the seat to move it back, but who gives a crap?  (Pun SO, SO intended.)

Just look.  You’re putting your naked butt (which is really close to you genitals) on something AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LOOK?

Just look.  What if there’s pee on the seat?  What if someone else’s pubes are on the seat?  Wouldn’t you want to check for that anyway?  Wouldn’t you also want to make sure there’s TP while you’re at it.  Just look.

Ten Things I Hate About Community Laundry

10. Somebody’s always using the machines. It doesn’t matter if you thought doing your laundry at 4am might “beat the rush”–somebody is ALWAYS using them.

9. I’m pretty sure my clothes are never really clean. I mean, with the number of bachelors living in the building whose mothers never explained how to measure detergent, it’s a safe bet that these things are all gunked up on the inside.

8. $1.50 to wash and $1.50 to dry? Jesus Christos I’m spending a lot of money on this!

7. When you actually do get a free washer, chances are somebody JUST started drying their clothes. Which means get ready to waste a half hour waiting for that to finish and another half hour waiting for Joe Blow to come get his stuff.

6. There are always those impatient people. Or nosy people. You know the ones I mean–who literally cannot wait five minutes after the washer/dryer has finished to drag your clothes out and put them on top. But you never can catch them in the act to call them out…

5. Then there’s you–patient you–who waits a half hour for somebody to get their crap, and when they haven’t come for it, you take it out of the washer/dryer and are just finishing throwing your stuff in when they waltz down to the laundry room and proceed to give you the stink eye because you moved their stuff.

4. The dryers are always littered with cat hair. And I’m allergic. Do the math and you wind up with clothes fresh out of the dryer, me covered in hives, and immensely pissed off. And itchy.

3. Why must somebody always leave a pair of underwear lurking around the laundry room? And nobody ever claims them. Unless you have that one weird guy who lives in the corner studio and [likely] collects stray women’s panties. Eep.

2. Meeting someone in the laundry room is always awkward. It’s as if everyone has agreed that washing and drying clothes is a deplorable chore, and we must not make eye contact when we’re doing it, lest we spontaneously combust from our immense shame.

1. NOBODY EVER CLEANS THE GODFORSAKEN LINT FILTER. WHY? WHY MUST I SCRAPE YOUR FUZZ EVERY TIME I WANT TO DRY MY CLOTHES SO AS TO NOT RISK A DRYER FIRE? WHY???

Dumb Things I’ve Seen on the Bus Reprise

I’ve seen and heard a lot of dumb things on the bus. I don’t know what it is about being among strangers on a moving vehicle that makes people want to act inappropriately, but there’s definitely something going on.

Today, I saw a woman CLIPPING HER FINGERNAILS on the bus. Yes. You know, what you usually do over the trash can. Or a toilet. ALONE.

Image Courtesy of TrainPigs.Wordpress.Com

I even get grossed out when my boyfriend clips his nails in front of me. There’s something about clipped nails that is nasty (and I hear they’re one of the most germ-friendly places on your body, too, by the way) and it is definitely not something I’d do in front of anyone, let alone on a bus full of strangers. Not only is it super gross to hear your fingernails snapping off but I really don’t want to be the person who sits down after you in a pile of “debris.”

For anyone who has the urge to cut their fingernails in public, consider this a friendly piece of advice: DO IT AT HOME. IN YOUR BATHROOM. ALONE.

 

For more on gross public transportation behavior, visit Train Pigs.

Ten Things I Hate About Starbucks

I would like to warn you that I have taken some liberties with the exact location of all of these occurances, but I hope you will forgive me. I’ve combined two coffee house experiences of my day into one.

 

1. Why is there a drink called “Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte?” THIS MAKES SO EFFING SENSE!!! Can you just stop with the alternate languages? The small is not tall, the medium is not grande, it’s fucking medium, and the venti is the only one that kind of makes sense but still–twenty? Twenty what? Twenty hairy old men in speedos on the corner? WHAT??

 

2. Yes, you see me. I’m alone. I am at a two person table. Yes. I am reading. NO, that’s not an invitation to come join me. Just, seriously, if you’re gonna do that at least ask Don’t just sit down! Maybe I’m not anti-social and was waiting for someone, you dick head!

 

3. If you skip my advice in #2, then at least do me a favor and don’t put your head down on the table after you’ve invaded my bubble and SLEEP. For the love of god. How rude ARE you? Just… really?

 

4. You’re way too excited about your drink. If the Starbucks baristas know you by name, and you go up to the counter to order “the usual,” you’re probably spending way too many dollars and empty calories on coffee-like drinks. Probably not something you need to be proud of. Additionally, if you’re this fucking happy on a Wednesday morning at 8:30, why are you even getting coffee you crazy morning person?!??

 

5. Stop with the phone. Really, I don’t want to listen to you make thirty phone calls while I’m trying to mind my own business and read. You are so distracting. Don’t you have a home? Or an office? Or better yet, a home office that you can make business calls from? Not a fucking cafe in a university student union?

 

6. Why, Barista, do you look at me like I have skinned a live goat in front of you when I order? I asked for a coffee and a salad at 2:30 in the afternoon. Is that a problem, or is the problem with your fugly face?

 

7. I overhear the dumbest shit in coffee shops. Seriously. Don’t believe me? How about this one: “Yeah I bought them at CVS, and they totally woke me up but they don’t have caffeine in them.” “How do you know?” “Well, like it wasn’t on the ingredients list…” Or try: “Oh my god, yeah, like, the Old Testament is bullshit. I mean the only people who believe that are Catholics and Jew people [I did not make this up. Not “jews” but “jew people.”] think that that shit actually happened. I mean not all of them do but then they aren’t really Catholics and Jews.” (No, moron, Catholics don’t read the Bible literally. And many sects of Judaism don’t, either. Before you go bashing people’s faith, maybe you should actually understand the tenets of their belief system.) This was followed later by a conversation about piercings and how sometimes they smell bad, like “rotting flesh.” WHAT THE FUCK, I AM TRYING TO EAT AT THE TABLE NEXT TO YOU. SHUT UP!!!!

 

8. No, I’m not going to tell you my name. Don’t write it on the cup. I don’t need to be named, I just need you to call out my drink. I’m smart enough to realize that if I just ordered and there’s three people waiting in line to pick up drinks, the next drink up probably isn’t mine. C’mon.

 

9. Why do all of your baked goods cost like $7? I hope you make everything with the finest, freshest ingredients known to man. At least, I hope your muffins taste better than your shitty house blend.

 

10. Number ten isn’t really a reason to hate Starbucks. I just really want to know, who’s the chick on the logo? And what’s wrong with her arms?

If you actually are interested in the logo, this website gives a pretty good explanation of how it got to be what it is.

Your Baby is Not a Backpack. Or a Dog.

When I was a little girl, my mother held my hand and carried me in her arms. Apparently, this has gone out of fashion. What do we have instead? The baby leash and the turn-your-child-into-a-knapsack-sling-thing.

These contraptions are now around to keep your rugrats in tow. C’mon! Really? Have we really lost so much touch with our children in the name of convenience that it has become okay to wear them or treat them like domesticated animals? I don’t know where to begin. This kind of behavior makes people look like lazy, disengaged, preoccupied parents; granted, some of them are. Others are just following the trend. Either way, this is totally unacceptable. How can children interact with the world from a knapsack? And how can they learn to listen and obey the instructions of a parent when you let them run amuck on a leash like a poorly trained terrier?

It’s worth mentioning that the baby backpack above is pretty tame. Some are slightly more strange:

The contraptions that let your kids’ legs dangle around seem somewhat unsafe, and the hiking pack is, admittedly, just weird. And way too intense. But sometimes they also verge on cruel.

There is nothing okay about hanging your kid up like a coat!!!! NO.

The baby leash isn’t much better. There is no reason you should be using the same item to keep track of your kid that you do to keep track of your dog/cat/ferret.

This woman is literally sixteen inches from her child. HOLD HIS HAND, LADY. HE'S NOT A POMERANIAN OR A YORKSHIRE TERRIER. HE'S A FREAKIN' BABY!!!!

And if that’s bad, how about being so lazy that you don’t even want to hold onto a leash? Well, there’s a product for you, too. It’s like a double sided lazy person dog leash.

I thought we learned our lesson as Americans that front belly wear of any kind is a huge fashion faux pas (see the “fanny pack”). I guess when it’s a two way leash for you AND your baby, it suddenly becomes acceptable….

To sum up, remember that your baby is a baby. Not a pet. Not a pile of books to throw on your back. You have a living, breathing child that greatly benefits from interacting with you and with the world around them with your guidance. Stop depriving them of this chance by backpacking and leashing them!

This Elevator Goes…. Nowhere?

I’ve been in plenty of buildings with stupid architecture–doors that lead nowhere (or even off into space), staircases that suddenly end, buildings in which the ground floor is called “2,” etc.

Today I encountered quite possibly the dumbest feature of a building: an elevator that only goes down, and only goes down one floor, right at the entrance to a building. What?! There’s a giant staircase right next to this thing, and it didn’t occur to anyone to make the elevator go up as well as down to the creepy basement?
I got in with a group of people, paused, and just stared at the buttons when I was inside. My brain kept wanting to punch a button but I thought I was crazy: the only options were doors open, doors close, B, and 1*. What kind of stupid elevator is this?! It’s like the kind you see in a crappy horror movie or something, not a university building! Give me a break. Also, why at universities of all places do you find the weirdest, most cock-eyed architectural designs? Aren’t we supposed to be employing the best and brightest and teaching them, too? Food for thought, architectural students. Food for thought.