3am Clampetts, and other summer sleep disturbers

It can be pretty difficult to sleep in the summertime. Even though I live in the Midwest, which usually has okay summers as far as temperatures go, this year has been absurdly hot. ABSURD, I tell you. Like 95+ degrees for weeks. Not okay. Firstly, if you don’t have AC, you’re screwed. No way around it. You will toss and turn all night in your awful sweat-soaked sheets (and not from any fun pre-sleep activities, either). Gross.

If you do have AC, chances are you have an outrageous electric bill, and, if you’re like me, sinuses that are completely in revolt. Yes, world, I really want to have bloody noses every morning from wanting to sleep in cool air. Blargh!

If it happens to be cool enough to sleep with your windows open, you run the risk of noise.And by noise, I mean assholes shooting off fireworks until three in the morning. Really? It’s a friggin’ Wednesday night; don’t you have to work tomorrow? WHO ARE YOU SHOOTING THOSE OFF FOR? Everyone is asleep, or at least was until you drank one too many Budweisers and came up with this genius idea. Douche.

Another risk of sleeping with your windows open in the summer is something I have christened “3am Clampett Syndrome.” We all can get a bit testy when it’s hot outside; no one is happy to be sticky and sweaty and just generally gross even into the night. HOWEVER–this is not an excuse to go outside of your apartment building and scream at your significant other in the middle of the night. Listen, you hillbilly, you’re not out in the country. People are right above you with their windows open TRYING TO SLEEP, and you’re waking me up with your shrill f-bombs, slamming of car doors, and general banging on inanimate objects. It’s not the car hood’s fault your girlfriend is a whore. It’s hard enough to sleep in balmy, humid weather without your bullshit.

Just a friendly PSA: 3am Clampetts, Drunken Firework Guy, and everyone else disturbing my sleep, STFU.

On Napping – An Insomniac’s Confusion

Hello.  I am an insomniac.  I do not nap.  I don’t understand napping.  I barely understand sleeping.  Napping is confusing.  How do people sleep during the day?  My freshmen year roommate (who is amazing, by the way) was a champion napper.  I was always so impressed by her ability to randomly fall asleep when the sun was still shining, people were still running about, and while her mind was still buzzing away.  I have trouble sleeping in the dead of night, without distractions.  I truly cannot understand how people can settle down enough to sleep before nightfall.  I have only ever napped when very, very ill.  I also went through a phase when I was sleeping only about two hours per night… During that period, I did occasionally fall asleep randomly, but that was more like dying briefly because my body was so close to death.

It was like this:

Everyone else is adorable when they nap.  They look normal and together.  They look very grateful for the rest.  They are simply overjoyed to be asleep.  They look like this:

Recently, I was compelled to sleep more, and also to nap in a normal way.  I experienced this strange day-sleep on Sunday (the fun day of some), and it was confusing, but beautiful.  I had a few dreams.  The rain lulled me in and out of my sleepiness.  I awoke with fabric lines on my face and arms.  In some ways it was glorious, but it was also largely confusing.  Basically, my boyfriend is a sleep magician, a nap sensei.  He’s a champion sleeper, too.

What is this napping?  How does it work?  How did I do it?  What?

Napping seems like an art form I cannot understand, or a language I don’t speak.  Shouldn’t people be productive during the day and sleepy at night (or in my case, awake all day and weirdly productive at night)?  I guess, I’m just a weird freak.  I just don’t sleep.  I want to sleep.  I just don’t get it.