The Worst of Online Dating: “Wanna Bang & Have Mutual Meals?”

Well, here we are.  Back to online dating.  Yikes.

While it does seem to work pretty well, online dating comes with some major annoyances, and beautifully hilarious encounters.  Women have a real advantage on these sites because men of all ages want to sleep with women in their 20s.  That means most messages are from men I have no interest in meeting, and who have very little in common with me.  Most messages just say, “how are you?” or “your beautiful.  what’s up?” and so on.

By the way, the “your” in “your beautiful” is how most of them are written.  Very few people have figured out that “your” and “you’re” are not at all the same.  

Basically, it’s mostly fine.  I don’t respond very often, but sometimes the particularly offensive messages inspire to write back.  Sometimes I just draft messages that I dream of writing, but don’t actually hit send.  Here’s my question: should I send them?

Below, I’ve sent along a beautifully bold message I received just today…  Should I send my super-weird response?  Should I just let it die?

————————————-

His beautiful message:

Hello,
I’m a full time student now doing masters, I work 40+ hrs at the Hosptial, and work occasionally in between that. So non-commitment sexual encounters with possible mutual meals is all I ever have time for this semester . As far as in the sheets go, I’m not turned on just by the mundane, gentle sex. I enjoy it time to time as a way to break up the rougher side. I’m definitely turned on the most by knowledge , intelligence and beauty which you seem to have all. If you have any questions you’d like to ask , I’ll answer anything.
Also I promise to keep things discreet .
Thanks,
Gary

My gross response:

Hey Gary,

While I am super-impressed that you have so much going on. I mean, I just have two jobs, two volunteers positions, classes, workshops, and self-respect, I can’t believe you’ve managed to stay awake long enough to write this charming message. I mean, my god, that’s impressive. If I had a job and some classes, I’d only be able to do that and sleep. Look at you, making time to troll the internet for women to screw.

It’s always nice when a complete stranger sends me a message that hints to their sexual proclivities. How unusual that you enjoy both slow and fast sex? I’ve never met a man who enjoyed different kinds of sex. You must be really deep. Personally, I’m only into completely silent, open-eyed, well-lit intercourse. I also enjoy wearing colonial dresses when I fornicate; it makes it more complicated, but it’s totally worth it.

It sounds like you are definitely turned on by intelligence. Sex is the best way for a person to express their intelligence. Before I put on my colonial sex dress, I usually give my potential sex partner a quiz on world history, algebra, and poetic forms. I only proceed with my straight-A students.

Here are some questions:
1. Has this ever worked?
2. How many women have you successfully banged? Please provide numbers for women you met online vs. women you met in person.
3. Why bother making a profile when you could just go to Rick’s or Necto?
4. What about my profile made you think I’d want to be your fuck buddy?
5. What’s your favorite color?
6. Can I call you Gare-Bear?
7. Can I please, please, please have your phone number? I can’t wait to come over!

All my love,
Ryan Gosling

Terrible Sex Advice from Magazines

Why are women’s magazines so bad at giving sex advice?  I would think that women who are comfortable with their sexuality, educated enough to work at a major magazine, and given these assignments would have some semblance of reasonable experience and the good sense to know what their partners enjoy to write decent and believable sex tips.  This is just not the case.  Sure, there are occasional gems in these sex advice columns; in an effort to be reasonable (unlike some people), I will give you a few examples of solidly decent advice.

REALLY BAD SEX ADVICE MAKES ME MAKE THIS FACE.

Some Decent Advice:

Be confident.  Wow, this is an actual tip that sex partners will appreciate.  Sexual and body confidence will go a long way in the bedroom (hopefully they aren’t alone on the “long” side).  I think most people will also enjoy their own bedroom experiences if they feel good about themselves, know what they want, and have the confidence to try things with their partner.  This one is good.

However, it’s not great.  If you are overconfident in bed, it can really, really backfire.  Haven’t we all heard stories about, or perhaps even experienced ourselves, people who think they’re amazing at sex, but are actually quite awful?  I recall a tale from a male friend about a lady who gave some boring-ass blowjobs that she thought were the best in the world.  Her blowjobs were even titled, “The Seven Levels of Heaven” (or some other stupid name she’d probably heard in a magazine).  This basically consisted of some limp licks followed by startlingly toothy deep-throats.  By his account, they were creepy, terrifying, and very NOT enjoyable.  Yet, this poor misled girl thought that she was SO good at them.   He later learned that she had, in fact, been instructed to do so by a fashion magazine.  Sadness ensues.

Be open.

That’s also pretty good advice.  Just discuss what you’re being open about with your partner.  None of this surprise S&M business.  Be responsible sexers, please.  You have to ask before you role play.  You should discuss putting frozen coins on your partner’s vagina before doing so (you’ll see this later).  Just talk first.

Terrible Advice.

Before we start, let me remind you to NOT DO THESE THINGS TO ANYONE.

“Give your man a sexy massage by rubbing his buttcheeks and blowing on his crack when you spread them apart.”
That is a real piece of advice I read in Cosmo roughly five years ago.  I still remember it because it is so, so bad.

“Bite his nipples.”
What the what?  You should discuss this first.  Also, they should specify that you shouldn’t bite hard.  I can imagine this going so wrong…

“Text your man racy one-word messages that, when strung together, hint at what you want him to do to you that night.”
Why not just send a complete sentence?  For example, “I want you.”  Another example, “I’m gonna bleep your bleep so bleepy.”

“Build momentum by keying in to an ocean legend that the seventh in a series of sea waves is the strongest. Lie on your back on a bench and have your man make every seventh thrust his most powerful.”
This is impressively specific and ultimately weird.  What happens if you lose count?  Who taught them this?  How does this conversation start, “So, I know you’re really into sailing and screwing… I have a great way to combine your loves, and it’s not sex on a boat.”

“Pop an erotic film into the DVD player, and let the noises serve as inspiration — you’ll feel like you’re in the midst of an orgy.”
Obviously the person who wrote this piece of advise has never seen “an erotic film” because there is nothing realistic or romantic about them.  Watching two actors perform exaggerated sounds of pleasure while a camera crew watches them… That’s not sexy.  Also, do you really want to see a lady with the biggest boobs of all time right before you take off your own top?  I just think this one could end poorly.  You gotta really do some research.  Lots of research.

“Put a frozen grape in your mouth and warm it up a bit. Then hold it between your teeth and glide it down his neck, around his nipples, and over his lips. Finally, use your tongue to slip the grape into his mouth.”
This is really, really detailed.

“Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body. If he’s not a fan of raw fish, use Gummi bears instead.”  
Why Gummi Bears?  I just don’t understand why they went to Gummi Bears if sushi wasn’t acceptable.

“Try light choking.”
Again, this needs to be discussed ahead of time.  This is not a quick change.  Oy.

“Surprise him with anal.”
This should not be a surprise unless previously discussed and agreed upon.

“Put a bunch of very clean (seriously, wash them first) coins in the freezer.  Then, have your man use the coldness of the coins to toy with you while he uses his tongue.  The mix of hot and cold will drive you wild.”
Coins?  Do not put coins on your hooha.  I don’t care how long you wash them.  If you really want to try hot vs. cold, use ice or the grapes from earlier.  Don’t use money.  That’s so weird.  Plus, copper has that strange smell…  I just don’t think this is sexy at all.

I’m sure I’ll write a follow-up to this.  There’s a lot of weird stuff out there.

10 Ways to Test Your Relationship

Relationships are hard, weird, and hopefully great.  Every relationship will be tested naturally, but if you’re looking for ways to see just how strong, or good, or whatever your relationship is, here are some ideas.

  1. Ask about porn.  When you do this, make sure to ask about the frequency, type, subject, and any other details you can imagine.  The more you push for details, the more of a test it really will be.  Once you’ve completed asking about this wonderful subject, make  certain you share your interests and preferences just as openly.
  2. Road Trip!  Being trapped in a car for hours and hours and hours is a sure-fire way to see if you secretly hate each other.  Plus, if your partner doesn’t shoot you when you scream and startle them upon seeing a spider…  You’re golden.
  3. Fart in front of your partner while maintaining eye contact.  I haven’t tried this, but it seems like it would work.
  4. Have a really awful day.  Then, hang out.  While it’s hot.  And you’re tired.  Experiment away!
  5. Go hiking.  You will quickly learn if you or your partner are whiny, lazy, weepy, weak, annoying, or cool.
  6. Debate who is weirder.  This will get ugly fast.  You will see what your partner finds odd and possibly annoying about you.  If you can withstand this, you’ll be alright.
  7. Have weird sex.  I don’t care if it’s role play, bondage, blindfolded, exhibitionist, group, or just different – try something a little out of your comfort zone together.  When you do this, you will either build trust and see that you already have a great deal.  OR it will be an awkward mess and perhaps a sign that you should avoid each other forever.  OR maybe it’s bad, but you can both laugh.  It’s a test.  You be the judge.
  8. Meet the parents.  What could be more telling than that?  Do you hate your partner’s parents?  Do they hate yours?  Are they creepy together?  Do you feel judged?  It will be awkward, but you can do it… and if you can’t, maybe you’ve failed.
  9. Meet the friends.  You will be judged so damn hard.  Get ready.  Get set.  Get to impressing.  Friends will tell it like it is.  You have to impress each other’s friends, or you will ruin each other’s lives.
  10. Throw up on your partner’s bedroom floor.  Trust me, this will test you both. Big time.  If your partner simply begins to take care of you, cleans your barf, and then refuses to sleep to maintain surveillance of you and your illness for the night, then they are awesome, and they deserve major rewards.  If they get mad at you and tell you to clean it up, they might be a real dick.  The lover that holds your hair deserve high praise and hella love.

Guest Post: Seven Things You Should Never Do on a Blind Date

I moved two hours away from my hometown last June, and it has been ridiculously hard to meet people. Scratch that, it has been ridiculously hard to meet normal people. (Not that I don’t enjoy egotistical douchebags from the club…)

Since it has been difficult to meet someone besides at the bar, I decided to join a dating website. I won’t name names, but let’s just say the commercials are false advertisement. Here is the commercial that prompted me to join:

So, because for whatever reason I thought this was a good idea, I made a profile on this dating website and then waited patiently to meet my soul mate. In the meantime, I had several friends supporting me on my decision, saying “Oh yes, my friend so-and-so met her boyfriend on <insert dating website here>!”

Let me tell you, everyone lies. They lie about these “friends” because they do not actually exist. Because I have no clue how they met a decent person among these stupid assholes.

After being basically stalked via internet a few times, I was finally messaged by a guy who seemed, well… normal. Shocking. We sent a few messages back and forth and decided to meet for drinks in a public place about 30 minutes away from me.

After this meeting, I can now say I hold the claim to the worst blind date in the world. Some of you may argue this was not blind because I saw what he looked like before meeting him, but I will go to my grave confirming it was blind because the guy that showed up and the guy in the picture were not the same person.

Which brings me to the point of this post.

7 Things You Should Never Do on a Blind Date

1. Don’t not be the person in your photos. I don’t know why I actually have to write this (or any of these really) but for some reason, this guy thought he would swoon me by showing up as someone completely different than the person he pretended to be on the dating website. In this day and age, Facebook and Google will allow the person you are going on a date with to see your pictures. Keep the ones on your dating page recent, and don’t try to be someone you are not. Because when you show up with what little hair you have left slicked back over your balding head, and the picture of you on your dating profile has a head full of blonde hair, I will be pissed. (I was pissed.)

2. Don’t tell me about your recent run-in with the law. The splendid human being I went on a blind date with told me as soon as we sat down and ordered drinks, “I really shouldn’t be drinking these, I am on probation.” Great, now I am fearing for my life even more than before.

3. Don’t over share. This follows point #2. After letting me know about his stint in parole and then probation, the guy proceeded to tell me about his mom’s cancer and subsequently, death, his sister’s autism, his brother’s bipolar disorder, and his hatred for black and Mexican people. Within 5 minutes of meeting him. Before I ever said a word.

4. Don’t be an idiot. Because I live in Michigan, I get to do a cool thing with my hand anytime I need to tell someone where I’m from. Basically, you hold up your right hand, palm facing toward you, and stick your thumb out. That’s the lower peninsula of Michigan, and you can point on it where you’re from. See below:

Every Michigander knows this. I think they teach you when you’re still in the womb. When this guy (born and raised in Michigan) asked me where I was from, naturally, I held out my hand and pointed to the crook of the thumb (Bay City). He proceeded to tell me that the Michigan hand goes this way (flipping my hand over, and frankly touching me way too early for just having met me). After several minutes of convincing him that no, Michigan goes this way (flipping my hand back over) I pointed again to the area where I am originally from. (This is where he showed me his super smarts)

“Oh, so you’re right by Canada?”

 

Before going out into society, please look at a map and understand your state’s borders, waterways, and layout.

5. Don’t touch me in any way after just meeting me.  Again, I don’t know why I even have to put this, but apparently it needs to be said. Seriously dude, we just met, why on earth are you A. touching me B. trying to hold my hand and C. telling me you want to never let go? No means no, in all accords. Please stop touching me. Stop touching me. STOP TOUCHING ME.

6. Don’t tell me you’re going to kill me. I wish this were a joke. When I couldn’t take this date anymore, I faked getting sick in the bathroom of the restaurant so I could leave. He asked to follow me home (uh, HELL NO) and then tried to kiss me after I just told him I threw up. Then, as I started walking away, he says,

“I better see you again or I’ll kill you.”

WHAT. THE. HELL. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! Did you just say that to me within an hour of meeting me?! You don’t say that to someone after knowing them for years. Now I am really fearing for my life. I purposely took a roundabout way home, cutting through suburban neighborhoods, checking in my rearview mirror to make sure this person wasn’t following me, and talking on the phone to my parents.

7. Don’t text/call me incessantly. I had just pulled out of the parking lot (who am I kidding, bolted out of there) when I started receiving multiple texts from Johnny Crazy Ass, saying the following,

 “Are you okay? I really should have followed you home.”

“I am so worried about you.”

“Did you like me?”

“I think you’re amazing.” 

“FML I just passed two cops!!!”

After not responding, he then started calling me. I had to block his phone number through my cellular company. He must have realized what I had done, because then he started calling me from his house phone. I had to block that number, too. Thankfully, he ran out of devices to call me from, because Verizon only allows 6 blocked numbers per account.

Needless to say, I am no longer on this dating website. I was willing to give the whole online dating thing a try. I was hoping to prove that online dating isn’t crazy and meet a good guy who could potentially be the guy I married. But it is crazy. I don’t know why people subject themselves to this type of torture. I learned my lesson, and I hope that by reading what I went through, you might save yourself from a painful experience like mine.

&&&   Kate has known Lisa since they were too young and innocent to be ranting and raising concerns, aside from their third grade teacher’s inability to spell. Lisa is a Social Media Specialist who lives, works, and now avoids online dating sites in the Detroit metro area. 

How to let your Valentine know you really wish she was 5 and had a tail.

Lately when I’ve been tuned in to MSNBC, I’ve noticed this really awful ad they’ve been running from a company called “Pajamagram” for their product called “Hoodie Footie.” Oh, yes, that is exactly what you’re picturing: full size footie pajamas for adult women. Behold:

What the HELL? First, I doubt any adult woman would be excited to receive footie pajamas from her Valentine. There is nothing cute or romantic about your significant other getting you the same kind of pajamas that five year olds wear. Let me repeat that: THERE IS NOTHING ROMANTIC ABOUT BABY PAJAMAS. If I received these for a Valentine’s gift, or really at any time, I’d start to wonder whether my significant other was a pedophile, or at least had weird pedophilic tendencies.

Additionally, what is going on with the leopard print one? A TAIL? This, on top of toeing the pedophile line, makes me think of furry fetishes–you know, those people who like to dress up in giant stuffed animal costumes and have sex. Yeah. This Hoodie Footie business is now doubly weird, right?

Thinking of this in the larger context that includes the infamous “Snuggie,” I’m starting to wonder who all these people are that are cold all the time, so much so that they need bizarre–and incredibly ugly–products in order to keep warm but still be able to partake in sedentary activities. Turn up the heat in your homes, you morons. Or, I don’t know, do something that involves movement instead of sitting around. That will be sure to warm you up.

FYI, Valentine’s gift buyers, male and female alike: your partner is not a child. Your partner does not need to look like an animal. There is nothing romantic about receiving a gift that implies you are or should be more childlike in the context of an adult relationship, nor is there anything sexy about being dressed as an animal (take note, Halloween costume creators!). The only people who want to have sex with other species and/or children  are socially shunned as perverts. For the sake of the longevity of your relationship, do yourself a favor and don’t imply that you’re one of them.

How to Tell Your Friend Her Significant Other Is Ugly

We all have a friend who is dating someone downright ugly. Every time you see them together, you cringe inwardly, and try to put the most enthusiastic smile possible on your face so they’re none-the-wiser. This happens. It’s not unusual. However, with the pervasiveness of social media, and some people’s tendency to post a MILLION pictures of themselves and their creepy-looking significant other, now you get to have a bird’s eye view of their makeout sessions and a little bit of their ugly permeating every part of your internet experience!

Okay, so I’m overdoing this a bit. But really, how do you tell your friend her boyfriend looks like a turtle that never closes its mouth?

First things first: emphasize her good looks. Your friend is pretty good looking. Tell her so. Maybe she’s dating turtle-man because she thinks she can’t do any better, so building her confidence will help a lot. However, you also run the risk of her sudden boost of confidence resulting in an even further overload of awful girl-on-turtle-action photos for you and everyone else she’s friends with. Beware.

Complain bitterly about hot girl/ugly dude combos on tv. There are plenty examples of this. My all-time favorite was King of Queens. Sorry, but Kevin James is not attractive, and his TV wife, Leah Remini, was smokin’ hot.

Even if your friend sticks up for James, insisting he’s “okay looking” or “at least he’s funny,” nip that shit in the bud. Stick to your guns; remember, this isn’t about Kevin James. It’s about turtle-man. Emphasize that it’s sexist and unfair that Leah Remini is so skinny, cute, and fashionable, while her husband is a tubby, sloppy, good-for-nothing. If she persists in her love for Kevin James, bring out the big guns. This is the guy that became “Paul Blart, Mall Cop.” Conversation over–you, 1; friend, 0.

If she’s worried about other girls coveting her man, make sure you chime in with, “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” Explain that he’s “different” from what most girls want. Explain that you don’t think a lot of girls would be attracted to “his type.”

When prompted with “Don’t we/Doesn’t he look cute/great/good/wonderful/whatever else” smile and tell her one of two things: You look great!” or “That’s a great shirt… did you give it to him?” Avoid complimenting him at all costs. She will try to make you. DON’T SUCCUMB!

Finally, think about why it matters that this dude is so ugly. Is it because he’s just unfortunate looking, or is there something worse going on? Is he ugly and a douchebag? Is he incredibly annoying? Is he a free-loader? Chances are that, unless you’re a miserable human being, you don’t dislike your friend’s latest flame just because he wound up with the ugly gene. You want what’s best for your friend, and an ugly jerkoff is possibly worse than just a jerkoff. So help her build her self-confidence, and when she comes crying to you about the new awful thing her boyfriend did, don’t hesitate to call her out: she deserves better.

Crush that Crush: A User’s Guide

So, you have a crush.  Now what?  There are always many possibilities as the beginnings of a crush form and latch on to a given subject.  Some of these options are wonderful, involving sex, love and cuddling; some of these options are more on the terrible side, including pining, wishing, praying, crying, drinking, more crying, and stalker-like activities.

Basically, once you have a crush, you can either do nothing, or do something.  Your first choice (do nothing) will leave you lonely and pining away after an unattainable fantasy until someone new fills that fantasy-void.  Your second option (do something), while riskier, gives you the possibility of actually realizing this fantasy by possibly dating, kissing, talking to, sleeping with and loving that special someone.  If you choose to do nothing, I can’t help you.  If you want to do something, continue reading.

  1. Makes eyes at your crush (look at them in a sexy/alluring way) to tell them that you’re interested.
  2. Talk to them.  Talk to them like a normal person.  You do not need to discuss ex-lovers, your tedious work schedule, or your sexual abnormalities.  Just talk to them about what you like and what you do.  Ask them about what they like and what they do too.
  3. Make sure your sexual orientations are compatible.  Example: If you’re a girl, and she’s a girl, make sure you both like girls.
  4. Read them.  Watch for micro-expressions, body language and eye contact.  If they’re into you, they’ll be showing it.
  5. Listen to them.  Don’t just hear sounds; listen to the words and their real meanings.  If you ask someone what they’re doing this weekend and they say they’re busy, pay attention to how they break that news.  If they say, “Oh, I’m just really busy this weekend… Sorry,” maybe they’re not so interested.  But, if they say, “I have to go to a wedding this weekend, but I’m free next week…” they might be interested.  They’re giving you an opening.  Work on that, fool!
  6. Take them on a date.  Don’t just try to make out with your crush; take them on a date.
  7. Be nice.
  8. Dress well.
  9. Be funny.
  10. Be a little weird, but not scary.
  11. Settle the horniness down.
  12. Don’t be a criminal.
  13. Speak well.
  14. Be smart.
  15. Tell amazing stories, jokes and tall tales.
  16. Try not to be a douche-bag.
  17. Shower frequently.
  18. Don’t get super-drunk around them.
  19. Smell better.
  20. Be hot, or whatever they’re into, or whatever you’re into…  We’re all beautiful.
  21. Work on you.
  22. Speak Japanese (optional).
  23. Figure out a way to get them see you eat something impressively spicy.
  24. When the opportunity arises to blow their mind beyond anything they ever thought possible, whether it’s with meeting James Marsters, going to a Pharrell concert, getting drunk with Jimmy Fallon, or having sex with you, BLOW THEIR MIND.

You can do it.  So, do it.

Making Out: The Rules and Regulations

Making out is awesome.  People everywhere agree that it totally rules.  Therefore, when you get the chance to make out with someone who you find attractive, you should do it well and make it count.  No one deserves a bad make out session.  At least I don’t, and that’s why I feel I need to share this.

When you’re making out, you are not competing for more control.  You are also not competing to see who can put their tongue in the other person’s mouth for longer.  There are no awards for the person whose lips completely envelope the other person’s.  There are no awards.

The only rewards in kissing come from the partner-to-partner relationship.  If the other person is especially pleased with your work, they might want to see you again, kiss you more, or even take things to a new level.  If you kiss badly, the other person will be repulsed in every way and they will try to escape immediately.

Here are some kissing tips, straight from my friends, the internet, discotechques, college classes, and everyone else:

1. All kisses should start slow, closed-mouth and simple.  Don’t start with the tongue.  Never lean into a kiss tongue-out.  That’s gross.

*On a side note, this is how my first kiss happened.  The boy leaned in with his tongue out, and I cringed with my mouth closed, and our kiss was basically him pressing his tongue to my tightly shut lips.

2. As you move along to french kisses, do it without attacking.  Be normal.  Use it with careful precision.  You are not eating a soft-serve ice cream cone, you are making out with someone.

3. Use a little pressure; don’t use a ton, but don’t just flop about.

4. If you have a tiny tongue, hide it.  Nobody likes a tiny tongue.

5. Okay, so you’ve seen lip-sucking in movies.  This is for pros.  Don’t just suck someone’s lip; it’s more complicated than that.  You’re allowed to suck a little on a single lip – a little.  It’s meant to be sensual.  Don’t confuse yourself with a Dyson; you don’t get extra points for superior pick-up.

6. Pay attention to your partner.

7. Never lick the face unless you have permission.  Gross.

8. If you try to kiss someone and they “cheek” you (turn to the side so you can only kiss their cheek), don’t try again.

9. Kissing is not a contract.  If you really have to talk someone into it, then they’re not ready and you should stop.

10. If you’re drunk and making out… Well, who knows what’s going on, so whatever.

11. Necks are up for kissing.

12. However, hickeys are ridiculous.  Don’t give hickeys, you jerk.

13. Everyone kisses and tells.  Get over it.

14. If you are in a lake, ocean, river, pool, etc. and the moon is shining, you should probably find someone to make out with soon.

15. Just slow down.  You don’t have to kiss someone with 10 minutes of meeting them.  You don’t have to kiss on a first date.  You’ve got some time; enjoy it.

16. Don’t make out in front of other people, especially children and old folks.

17. Don’t kiss the hand of your waitress.

*This happened to me when I was a waitress; it was awful.  He kissed my hand like four times.

18. If you’re a girl and you’re drunk, don’t kiss another girl for attention from dudes.  It’s trashy and it will only attract trashy dudes.  Making out with girls should be left to straight guys and lesbians.

19. Don’t slobber.  You’re not a dog.  You’re a human.  Remember that.

20. Brush your teeth and use mouthwash.  Dental hygiene is essential for a successful make out.

*However, if you’re drunk, all bets are off.

21. Make out more.  Boom.  It’s awesome.

Baby Talk (is awful)

 

While I am goo-goo for Gaga, I’m pretty hardset against goo-goo and ga-ga baby talk.  You’re an adult.  Speak like an adult.  Don’t call your significant other “Booboo” or “My Wittle Wuv Monkey,” or anything remotely like that in public; it’s gross.  I don’t even think it’s okay for adults to use pet names in public for the most part.  Calling someone “Honey,” or “Dear,” or some tame name like those is fine because it’s not gross, it doesn’t feel dirty or drippy with sweetness.  Calling someone “Baby” or “Babe” or “Boo” or “Monkey” or whatever the hell you call them in bed is unacceptable.  Ask yourself: “Have I used this name while screwing?”  If the answer is yes, the name is private only.  If the answer is no, you can proceed with caution.  Think about it, in what situation can you imagine someone saying, “Oh yeah!  Go faster, honey!” in the bedroom.  Doesn’t that seem unlikely?
 
As a self-respecting adult, you shouldn’t speak a fake baby.  It makes you look stupid, crazy and really annoying.  Also, real babies don’t talk like that.  If you have a child, maybe you should try speaking to that child in your real voice while using real words.  Hearing actual means of communication will teach the child how to properly speak.  Would you want your children to actually speak in the way you seem to like to speak to them?  Baby talk is stupid.

Also, do you not know grammar?  Using improper grammar isn’t adorable.  It’s not even okay.  It’s just stupid.  Ugh…

 
I’m not against the occasional coochie-coo talk to actual babies; it’s cute, and they’re cute.  I get it.  I think it is good to tell children that they are cute and wonderful.  I do it too.  However, give kids some credit.  They can understand normal words.  They will appreciate being spoken to in normal ways.  Children are smarter than you realize.  Plus, they say awesome things.  Let the kids be cute and awesome.  Accept the fact that you are older and a little less awesome.