10 Ways to Test Your Relationship

Relationships are hard, weird, and hopefully great.  Every relationship will be tested naturally, but if you’re looking for ways to see just how strong, or good, or whatever your relationship is, here are some ideas.

  1. Ask about porn.  When you do this, make sure to ask about the frequency, type, subject, and any other details you can imagine.  The more you push for details, the more of a test it really will be.  Once you’ve completed asking about this wonderful subject, make  certain you share your interests and preferences just as openly.
  2. Road Trip!  Being trapped in a car for hours and hours and hours is a sure-fire way to see if you secretly hate each other.  Plus, if your partner doesn’t shoot you when you scream and startle them upon seeing a spider…  You’re golden.
  3. Fart in front of your partner while maintaining eye contact.  I haven’t tried this, but it seems like it would work.
  4. Have a really awful day.  Then, hang out.  While it’s hot.  And you’re tired.  Experiment away!
  5. Go hiking.  You will quickly learn if you or your partner are whiny, lazy, weepy, weak, annoying, or cool.
  6. Debate who is weirder.  This will get ugly fast.  You will see what your partner finds odd and possibly annoying about you.  If you can withstand this, you’ll be alright.
  7. Have weird sex.  I don’t care if it’s role play, bondage, blindfolded, exhibitionist, group, or just different – try something a little out of your comfort zone together.  When you do this, you will either build trust and see that you already have a great deal.  OR it will be an awkward mess and perhaps a sign that you should avoid each other forever.  OR maybe it’s bad, but you can both laugh.  It’s a test.  You be the judge.
  8. Meet the parents.  What could be more telling than that?  Do you hate your partner’s parents?  Do they hate yours?  Are they creepy together?  Do you feel judged?  It will be awkward, but you can do it… and if you can’t, maybe you’ve failed.
  9. Meet the friends.  You will be judged so damn hard.  Get ready.  Get set.  Get to impressing.  Friends will tell it like it is.  You have to impress each other’s friends, or you will ruin each other’s lives.
  10. Throw up on your partner’s bedroom floor.  Trust me, this will test you both. Big time.  If your partner simply begins to take care of you, cleans your barf, and then refuses to sleep to maintain surveillance of you and your illness for the night, then they are awesome, and they deserve major rewards.  If they get mad at you and tell you to clean it up, they might be a real dick.  The lover that holds your hair deserve high praise and hella love.

Fetus Pornography Is NOT Helping Your Cause

Dear Pro-Lifers,

I get that you want every baby born.  I also get that abortions upset you and make you sad.  Abortions are hard on everyone, even the people who get them.  I really doubt there was ever a pregnant woman waltzing about excitedly at the idea of getting an abortion.  Thankfully I have never had to wrestle with that decision, but I promise that this is one I would take lightly.  However, I do have a legal choice.  Now, I know you’re mad about it; I see that you’re mad.  I am sitting here, acknowledging that your anger is an issue for you and that this issue is serious.  However, I don’t think you have the right or the reason to throw giant, enlarged pictures of bloody fetuses all over public areas.  Stop it.

These pictures reach a point where they are simply pornographic and indecent for public display.  Sidewalks and roadways are not text books; they are not even the same as public websites because someone at least chooses to visit your site.  When you subject the general passersby to your violent, horrific images of fetuses, you are publically displaying pornography.

If you had a problem with gang-bang porn, would you prove your point by publicly displaying giant images of penises coming in and out of vaginas?  Somehow, I doubt that.  I find your fetus pornography offensive.

For the record, I also find your assumptions offensive.  Why not just use pictures of Jesus holding babies to play up your obvious religious guilt angle?  Think about how funny/awesome that would be.  Think about how much less terrifying that would be for the various children, adults, impressionable people, young people, emotional wrecks, and general folks who don’t want to see bloody fetuses when they are walking to and from work, school, dinner, and so on.

Oh, and for the record, I was a choice.  Any children I have will be a choice.  Feel free to choose to disagree, but please keep your fetus pictures to yourself.