File This Under “Things That Make Me Hate the World/Want to Cry”

This is terrifying because this person bought a 50,000 euro (that’s $61,780 USD) bottle of champagne, but I also have to laugh because they paid 10 euro for Coca Cola. Middle-American upbringing FTW.

This exists. Okay, not so much that this exists, but that there’s enough material for something like this to exist; and not just exist but flourish. “Rich Kids of Instagram” is a Tumblr site on which the author posts pictures of young people of outrageous familial wealth showcasing their moral bankruptcy and total disregard for reality on their Instagram accounts. Oh, and like any good Millennial, their expertise at bragging. Go figure. This makes me kind of terrified, or as the kids would say,

#omgfearthefuture

Just… yuck.

2011 in Review: Dumbest Moments in Pop Culture

Honorable Mentions:  Casey Anthony.  Arnold Schwarzenegger has illegitimate child with his maid; kid dresses up as the Terminator for Halloween.  Ke$ha.

5. The Royal Wedding.  

While we’ve posted on the royal wedding before, we’re still amazed at how long this cloud of bullshit lingered (and continues to linger/respawn). First it was about the princess-to-be and the wedding itself.  Then it was about the hats. Then it was about her hot sister with the weird name (oh, right, “Pippa.”).  Then it was about her alleged and highly anticipated pregnancy.  Why everyone felt it so necessary to freak out about this, we’ll never know.

4. Kim Kardashian gets married… for 72 days.  Kim married basketball player Kris Humphries, and divorced him less than three months later.  Cue media firestorm: it was fake!  They did it for the money!  All of it is a sham!  Do you people not realize Kim Kardashian’s entire life is a scam to get your money?  Why did you think her marriage to this douche would be any different?  C’mon!  On a side note, I think the height-difference alone doomed them.  I mean, that would really, really complicate things… like dancing.

3. Justin Bieber’s baby mama drama.  Everyone’s favorite manboy singer was accused of having sex with some random nineteen year old girl in a bathroom at one of his concerts, resulting in her getting preggers.  We already posted about this, largely because this girl was claiming she banged a minor… for more entertainment!  Not only was it impossible to Google “Justin Bieber Baby” to get any information about this ridiculous story (given the title of his single), it was just stupid.  There’s so much wrong here.  First off, if you’re nineteen and you are at a Justin Bieber concert, you should be ashamed of yourself.  Secondly, I’m sure this kid has a little more class than to have sex with you in a bathroom stall.  I mean, he’s Bieber, he gets whatever he wants.  He would probably make love to you on a bed of candy or something equally juvenile.  Three, maybe you shouldn’t text people and reveal that you’re full of shit when you’re trying to scam a celebrity out of child support for the next eighteen years.  On top of that, maybe Biebs should have listened up on his Kanye West before hitting the bigtime: “eighteen years, she got one of yo’ kids got you for eighteen years.”  Just sayin.  However, the tweets about this stuff were, admittedly, HILARIOUS.  Nothing better than twelve year olds freakin’ out and calling some teenager a dirty, lying whore (which she was).

2. Charlie Sheen goes overboard on blow, “Winning!” If somebody didn’t realize Charlie Sheen was a little bit “off” before his coke addiction hit the fan this year, then you must’ve been living under a rock. The way news media latched on to this bombshell of a story, though, only happens once in a blue moon. Sheen is no idiot–he used his meltdown to his advantage, and is possibly one of the only celebrities I’ve ever heard of making money off of their sheer insanity caused by drug abuse. Charlie, you are, truly, a rock star from Mars.

1. Rebecca Black gives the world “Friday.” I don’t know what was more amazing: how totally, absolutely, and truly BAD this song was, the hysterical memes that resulted from it, or people’s unchecked rage toward Rebecca Black herself. This goofy YouTube video took on a life of its own and even created a template for a Kohl’s Black Friday ad this year. While the song was awful, you have to be impressed with a piece of music that causes such a guttural reaction among the public and is collectively condemned as the worst song of all time. Just think, Jefferson Starship had to work almost thirty years to get “We Built This City” declared as the worst song of all time. It took Rebecca Black about two weeks. Bravo.

We hope you’ll remember 2011 like we will:

You Probably Shouldn’t Make Out with Your Teenager

The other day I posted about that creepy Folgers coffee commercial with the, well, let’s just say “odd,” moment between siblings. I have more creepy stuff to report to you, but this time it involves parents. Making out with their teenagers. Yeah. You read that right. At a Minnesota high school thought it would be funny to run a prank during one of their pep rallies that involved blindfolding students and bringing in “mystery” kissers. Except those mystery kissers are their parents. Observe the YouTube video below, shot by someone at the pep rally:

If you’re now sitting in front of your computer with a facial expression that silently screams, “OH MY GOD??!!??” you are not alone. You have to wonder what’s wrong with the school, first of all, but it seems like school systems seem to make bad decisions perpetually. I’m grossed out, but not entirely surprised that someone thinks something stupid/gross/psychologically harmful/offensive is a good idea. This isn’t completely out of the ordinary. I’m more concerned about the parents of these kids. What they hell were they thinking?

As a parent you want to protect your child. I don’t think you want to psychologically damage them, or really even embarrass them in front of their friends, though parents often do so unintentionally. You also don’t have latent desires to make out with your kids. SO. Taking all that into account, could someone please tell me why these parents would lock lips with their grown children in order to (I assume) embarrass them as part of some kind of twisted gag?

Welcome to the internet age, Principal Wollersheim. Anything and everything you do has to be done with the idea that anyone, anywhere may view a video of it. With cell phone cameras and small digital cameras, there is now the potential for someone to be videotaping virtually anything without you knowing it. And it takes about 15 seconds to upload that stuff to YouTube. Not that this is an excuse for your utterly imbecilic idea to make parents kiss their children in such a sexualized way, but it serves as a good lesson and/or reminder for you and everyone else. Don’t assume an event can’t reach the outside world. It can, and it will.

Mostly I feel bad for these kids. How awkward and bizarre would the ride home from this event be? I would feel not only betrayed but totally creeped out. I would never want to be affectionate with that parent after that. Ew. Ew. EW.

As a person, I’m appalled. As a Minnesotan, I’m embarrassed.

Not cute. Not funny. Just gross.

Stop Having Babies. Seriously.

I have never watched TLC’s “19 and Counting.” However, my boyfriend left the TV on the Today Show when he left this morning, and I happened to catch a segment with a family that was expecting their twentieth child.

WHAT THE HELL!? I immediately used the google machine to find out who these “Duggar” people were… and found their TLC show website. Oh my god. There are so many things wrong with having that many children when modern medicine has advanced far enough to keep most, if not all, of our offspring alive. A twenty-two person family is ridiculous. And some of those kids are having GRANDKIDS. How old are they, like 23? Good god, give it a rest–aren’t you already sick of never having a life and only knowing the noise of a crying child in your home? Get a dog or something for pete’s sake.

Additionally, the mom must have been pregnant with very little time non-preggers for the last twenty years. Who wants to be endlessly pregnant for two decades, and have to take care of all the kids you popped out along the way? If that’s not a living hell, I don’t know what is. Unless you are an attention whore and love the praise you get for being knocked up (because everyone who gets knocked up is apparently a saint. Way to go!).

If these people didn’t have a TV show, there’s no way they wouldn’t be living in or near poverty, unless they were independently wealthy. Giant families like this often rely on the generosity of others to pay their bills, buy clothes for their kids, and feed their family. This is not a cut against their work ethic or anything–just simple math. A family of twenty two is more like a small colony. Your family is four times bigger than what is already considered a large family (two parents, three kids). What really irritates me is that these people could easily avoid a giant family. It’s called birth control pills. Or a condom. Seriously. You’re not going to hell for it, and it’s more responsible to actually be able to raise the kids you popped out instead of making your older children raise the younger ones.

I just don’t understand the logic behind being perpetually pregnant and having a ton of kids. Just don’t. Seriously. Adopt some kids who need a home if you want a ton of kids. Having twenty children is just irresponsible and selfish.

Dumb Things I Received Today

So, I’ve written a post on dumb things I’ve heard, but this needs to be categorized as “Dumb Thing I Read Today” or “Dumb Things I Received Today.”

Why is a twelve year old sending me a friend request wondering if I am some person from some virtual park in some stupid Facebook game about contented domestic animals? This causes me to be concerned about the following:

1. Who has my name and is lurking around some site called Happy Pets? This is really bad for my image. Not to mention creepy.

2. Why is this little girl trying to friend random people on the intarwebz? Where are her parents? Additionally, speaking of absent parents and bad decisions, why does she have all kinds of fucked up face piercings and looks to be twelve? I could go on…

3. No, strange child, I am not the person from the park in happy pets. I’m the person who doesn’t want to receive stupid fucking friend requests from strangers, especially whiny twelve year old emo girls, on my cell phone when I’m trying to work.

There’s Nothing Funny About Living With Dudes

The New Girl is a television show airing on FOX, starring the adorable and quirky Zooey Deschanel. The main premise of the show, aside from Deschanel’s epic break-up, is the cute-but-totally-weird-and-awkward girl lives with three dudes, and isn’t that hilarious?!? One girl living with a bunch of guys!! AHHAAAA!

I am going to fill you in, America, there is nothing cute or funny about being the one girl living with a bunch of dudes. Take it from someone who did it: Nothing about it is funny and everything about it sucks.

Five Reasons Not to Move in With Your Guy Friends

1. Everything smells like male body odor and Axe.

Dudes smell. There’s just no way around it. Whether it’s dirty socks lurking in the living room or strange smells wafting into your bedroom from the room across the hall, there’s always a smell of dude sweat when you live with guys. Also, now that we have been blessed with Axe (because Old Spice just wasn’t cutting it for awful pseudo-cologne anymore), every bathroom always smells like a strange combination of cinnamon and musk, causing any person with asthma who enters to immediately have a coughing fit. Awesome.

2. If you weren’t bargaining for a parade of whores, you should have.

Guys are focused on one thing when they go out: getting chicks to come home with them. Get ready for a parade of different girls who range in attractiveness from the super hot to the painfully ugly tramping around your house at all hours of the night and awkwardly sneaking by so they don’t have to introduce themselves (or be introduced) to you. They (perhaps rightfully) fear your womanly judgment. Also, you will oftentimes find they’ve used the only girly products in the bathroom after they’ve fucked your roommate and took a shower before they did their walk of shame. Thanks, ladies. Much obliged. Additionally, every friend you ever invite over will not only be treated as a house guest, but will often be invited to be one of your roomies’ bed guest as well, because you no longer have friends: you have potential sex partners for your roommates.

3. You will know every song from every video game and the plot to every bad action flick forward and backward.

Your living room is no longer a living room. It is now what is called a “man cave.” That means the staple decorations are empty beer cans, three week old potato chips hiding beneath the rug, dirty dishes, and the lurking stray sock I mentioned before. The TV will only show the following: sports of all kinds (even those as obscure and stupid as curling), first person shooters and sports video games (if you don’t know that first term, live with dudes and it will become VERY familiar), bad action movies or other manly movies, sci-fi series movies–think Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, and other crappy and generally unfunny TV (e.g. Workaholics). Forget ever watching Grey’s Anatomy or Teen Mom or Say Yes to the Dress or Ghost or any Lifetime movie.

4. Your kitchen will always be sticky, dirty, and smell like something died in it.

Dudes generally suck at cooking and/or know nothing about storing food. This results in a lot of food particles and rotting bananas around your kitchen. Between this, sticky beer/alcohol residue, beer cans, and Chinese take out and pizza boxes, it’s basically impossible to navigate, let alone cook in this room. So, that Coq Au Vin recipe you were going to make for your boyfriend for your anniversary? Yeah, forget about it–go out.

5. They don’t see you as a girlfriend/sex partner, and therefore you fit into the same category as their mother.

You have passed from being drooled over as the sex object or chased after as the girlfriend into the friend zone. You aren’t an accessible vagina, and therefore when you ask for something, it’s nagging. Now you’ve entered the mom zone. Once this happens, all bets are off. Get used to being expected to clean up after your dude roomies, retrieve forks from their bedrooms when they all disappear from the kitchen, pick up those dirty socks in the living room, clean the bathroom fixtures, and take care of all the things their mothers have been doing for them for the last twenty two years.

So instead of living with four dudes, you, in the matter of a few weeks, have suddenly birthed quadruplets. Congratulations on being a New Mom!

Your Baby is Not a Backpack. Or a Dog.

When I was a little girl, my mother held my hand and carried me in her arms. Apparently, this has gone out of fashion. What do we have instead? The baby leash and the turn-your-child-into-a-knapsack-sling-thing.

These contraptions are now around to keep your rugrats in tow. C’mon! Really? Have we really lost so much touch with our children in the name of convenience that it has become okay to wear them or treat them like domesticated animals? I don’t know where to begin. This kind of behavior makes people look like lazy, disengaged, preoccupied parents; granted, some of them are. Others are just following the trend. Either way, this is totally unacceptable. How can children interact with the world from a knapsack? And how can they learn to listen and obey the instructions of a parent when you let them run amuck on a leash like a poorly trained terrier?

It’s worth mentioning that the baby backpack above is pretty tame. Some are slightly more strange:

The contraptions that let your kids’ legs dangle around seem somewhat unsafe, and the hiking pack is, admittedly, just weird. And way too intense. But sometimes they also verge on cruel.

There is nothing okay about hanging your kid up like a coat!!!! NO.

The baby leash isn’t much better. There is no reason you should be using the same item to keep track of your kid that you do to keep track of your dog/cat/ferret.

This woman is literally sixteen inches from her child. HOLD HIS HAND, LADY. HE'S NOT A POMERANIAN OR A YORKSHIRE TERRIER. HE'S A FREAKIN' BABY!!!!

And if that’s bad, how about being so lazy that you don’t even want to hold onto a leash? Well, there’s a product for you, too. It’s like a double sided lazy person dog leash.

I thought we learned our lesson as Americans that front belly wear of any kind is a huge fashion faux pas (see the “fanny pack”). I guess when it’s a two way leash for you AND your baby, it suddenly becomes acceptable….

To sum up, remember that your baby is a baby. Not a pet. Not a pile of books to throw on your back. You have a living, breathing child that greatly benefits from interacting with you and with the world around them with your guidance. Stop depriving them of this chance by backpacking and leashing them!