Bitch’s Guide to New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve can be bad or great, but it’s probably going to be bad.  If you are a bitch, or you like bitches, or you think bitches are funny… here are some tips.  Enjoy!

1.  Shoes.  Wear shoes that you feel comfortable in all night.  You have to spend all of the hours up to midnight and beyond in shoes.  People will be drunk and there will be broken glass.  You cannot walk around barefoot.  You cannot walk home barefoot.  You must wear your shoes.  Don’t be “that girl” who spends the whole night whining about her friggin’ feet.  Don’t be the girl who can’t walk in her shoes.  You know the one.  The one who scuttles from place to place and must perch wherever she lands.  The one cannot actually walk without tripping.  The one who topples into the bathroom to re-apply her lipgloss.  Don’t be that girl.

2.  Booze.  Remember, you will be drinking for a long time on this Eve of the New Year.  Your body will be exposed to so much.  You should invest in mid-level liquor – at least.

3.  Shots, specifically.  Keep count.  Even if it means you have to take a sharpie to your arm (a mark for each drink), you must track your drinking.  You are in for a long night, so you gotta have a plan.

4.  Food.  Bitch, you gotta eat!  If you eat nothing, you will pass out.

5.  Cleavage.  This really depends on what kind of bitch you are.  It’s New Year’s Eve, so go nuts.  Show off your boobies.  Get slutty.  Do whatever.  As a really bitchy bitch, I really don’t care what other bitches are wearing on New Year’s Eve.  It’s like Halloween… Free pass.

SO MUCH CLEAVAGE.

6.  Dates.  If you bring a date to a New Year’s Eve party, make sure he/she isn’t a dumbass, can hold his/her liquor, and that your date can dance.  There will be WOO-WOOs.  Make sure they are ready.  Don’t be the girl with a lame-ass date.  Go solo if it comes to that.

7.  Boyfriends.  If you bring your boyfriend or girlfriend, they SHALL NOT GET SHITTY.  They shall bring mints and make out with you at midnight.  They shall bring you drinks.  They shall dance appropriately.  THE BOYFRIENDS SHALL BE FUN.

8.  Dancing.  Please do as little grinding as possible.  Please whip your hair.  Please shake it good.  Please do some work out there.  Sweat it up.  Do yo’ thang.

9.  Tampons.  Someone will need a tampon – it might be you.  Just bring a damn tampon.  You’ll be someone’s hero and it will feel great.  Good for you.

10.  Bi-Curiousness.  You gotta kiss somebody at midnight.  I’m not here to judge that part of you.

11.  Hats.  Party hats are fucking annoying.  Do not make anyone wear one.  If you want to wear one, that’s great… It tells the rest of us that you’re a dumb ass.  Seriously, suck it.  Hats are sucky.

12.  Driving.  You will be drinking.  Just get a cab.  Your only other option is to crash where you are.  The likelihood of someone staying sober enough to be the DD later on is low.

13.  Glitter.  A little glitter goes a long way.  If you’ve got a sparkly dress, maybe cool it on the bling and the white/silver eyeshadow.  Be sparkly, but don’t try to imitate the NYE Times Square ball.  You don’t need 10,000 blinking lights to be beautiful.  Also, if you do happen to over-glitter, it will get on EVERYONE.  I don’t want to wear your damn glitter, so stay the hell away, Ke$ha!

14.  Underpants.  Just wear them.  Underpants are always, always worth a panty-line.  Don’t be the girl without underpants on.  We don’t want to see your hoo-ha.  Anyone interested in your hoo-ha will happily wait to see it.  Seriously, I don’t want to see a single baby-factory on the dance floor or getting out of a cab.  We all have underwear.  Wear yours.

15.  The Midnight Kiss.  Just go for it, bitches.

Ten Things that Suck About the Holidays

1. Babies.  There will always be babies on your flight(s).  My day before Thanksgiving flight had five–count them–FIVE screaming babies.  Thankfully it was only a 90 minute flight.  (There truly is a god.)

2. Weird Family Members.  You have a to spend a lot of time trapped in small places with (awkward, annoying, or odd-smelling) family members.  Not only are you stuck next to Uncle Bill (who always hugs you just a little too long when you see him), but now you have to hold on to your sister’s/brother’s/cousin’s child who you’re pretty sure just dropped the baby equivalent of a nuclear bomb in his diaper.

3. Relationships.  Are you married?  Are you dating?  Are you going to get engaged soon?  You should have kids!  When are you having kids?  Why are you single?  Where is your boyfriend?  Why didn’t you bring your girlfriend?

4. There is never enough Egg Nog.  Or there’s only enough Nog without any rum.  And who really wants Nog with no rum?

5. Fake Wars.  The “Keep the Christ in Christmas” people are back.  Just when you were getting over your rage from their obnoxious and nearly-constant Facebook posts from last holiday season, here they come again.  Y’all are in the majority, Christians.  Nobody is trying to take Jesus away from you.  Calm the eff down. Some of us Jews/Muslims/Buddhists/Atheists/Secular Humanists want to be friendly and wish you joy.  Just accept it nicely and move on.

6. Shopping.  There is so much shopping to do.  It’s expensive and all the people surrounding you in the store are terrible.

7. Mistletoe. This is a dumb tradition. And it can get really awkward when you’re at Christmas parties with your ex-boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, booty-calls, etc.  I don’t want to kiss people I don’t know.  I don’t want to kiss most people.  Please don’t make me kiss anyone.

8. Wrapping Paper.  I hate wrapping paper.  It is awful and wasteful and messy and wasteful and expensive and wasteful.  It’s not good for the environment.  It’s not good for anything.  BUT HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO PRESENT THIS CRAP I BOUGHT PEOPLE?  I know, I know… I could re-purpose an old t-shirt.  I could use some bags or newspaper – and I’ve done that.

9. Stressed Parents.  Specifically, parents who are stressed and in public places with their children.  The children are being awful.  A few days ago, I saw two kids sitting in a cart, one kid was beating his sister in the head with a box; she just took it.  She was too tired to fight off his awfulness.  Kids are crazy.  Parents are tired.  They will hit you with a cart and not think twice about it.  They probably won’t think once about it.  They don’t care about you; they just want to buy a damn barbie and leave.

10. Fatness.  You will get fatter, and then you have to go back to work – fatter.