2012 Olympic Drinking Games

Making the Olympics even more fun. You’re welcome.

Drink once if any of the following happens:

  • Interviewer asks athlete “How does it feel to win X medal?”
  • Athlete sets world record
  • Athlete sets Olympic record
  • The USA wins an event
  • The host country, Great Britain, wins an event
  • NBC has a fluff feature
  • Fan cam shows an athlete’s parents/family
  • Fan cam shows a celebrity
  • NBC shows an ad for tomorrow’s Today Show
  • An athlete in a post-event interview says they feel “blessed”
  • An athlete in a post-event interview says they are “speechless” or any variation thereof
  • Announcers call event “unbelievable”
  • Announcers call event “incredible”
  • Announcers call event “amazing”
  • Athlete cries during medal ceremony
  • Announcers suck Michael Phelps’ proverbial dick

 

 

Finish your drink if:

  • An athlete gets injured mid-event and must drop out

 

Finish two consecutive drinks if:

  • NBC screws up and spoils a result not yet shown on TV

NBC, you’re sucking up the Olympics like your primetime schedule.

There are lots of things I like about NBC. Brian Williams is awesome. Richard Engel is super badass. They hired Howard freaking Stern as a judge on America’s Got Talent. Bob Costas pretty much got Jerry Sandusky to confess on the air. Those are pretty awesome things.

HOWEVER. They are sucking up their coverage of the Olympics.

  • Why did I never get to see ANY footage of American men or anyone else on the rings for the men’s gymnastics events?

    Apparently, this wasn’t worth showing.

  • Why did they completely cut Gabby Douglas’s and Aly Raisman’s routines on the balance beam (purportedly Raisman’s best event after the floor routine) in primetime coverage? Yet they showed the two Russians and the Chinese woman in their rotation…
  • Every single interview goes essentially thusly: How is it winning [insert level medal here]? How does that make you feel? To which everyone responds in some variation of “It’s overwhelming; I can’t put it into words.” And if I hear the Today show hosts ask one more kid if they slept with their medal under their pillow last night, I will strangle all of them, even though I kind of love Savannah Guthrie.
  • Only showing major events in primetime kind of sucks because it’s too easy to spoil it for yourself… *frowns at Twitter.*
  • NBC can’t even keep their own spoilers under control: see Missy Franklin’s first gold medal:
  • Moments before airing Missy Franklin’s tape-delayed Olympic victory in the 100-meter backstroke, NBC ran a promo for Tuesday’s edition of “Today” that said this:

They’re waiting for NBC to show the missing balance beam routines, too.

“When you’re 17 years old and win your first gold medal, there’s nobody you’d rather share it with.”
The network had yet to show Franklin’s win when it ran the “Today” teaser that included this photograph of the teen sensation standing on the medal stand with the gold draped around her neck.

  • Local coverage of the Olympics is nonsense. It’s like a giant masturbation fest for local news sportscasters who are all running amuck in London. I feel awful for Londoners; I felt particularly awful when our local sportscaster thought it’d be hilarious to ask everyone in the vicinity of Big Ben what time it was in an effort to get them to look at the giant clock. That’s worth a fork in my eye.
  • NBC decided it made more sense to cut a tribute to the victims of London’s 2005 terrorist bombings. They showed a clip of Ryan Seacrest’s interview with ass kissing of Michael Phelps instead.
  • Ryan Seacrest. Enough said.

    NBC: sucking up the Olympics since 1964.

Christina Aguilera Won’t Let Me Like Her

I’ve got 99 problems, and her attitude is #1.

Oh, Christina…

I should warn you all that this post is largely about The Voice on NBC.  I love this show, and I’m not ashamed of it.  If you have seen any clips or episodes, you may have noticed that Christina Aguilera has been acting a little rude, a little conceited, and sometimes just completely unlikable.  I want to like her, but just won’t let me.

I didn’t understand “Genie in a Bottle,” but I loved it. I liked it too.  Yes, when she went through her slutty phase, it was hard for me to support her, but she had empowering songs, and “Beautiful,” which is a great song, dammit.  Even when she was “Dirty,” she was likable.  She sang about how dudes can be “players,” but ladies are “sluts” and “whores.”  I think that’s a great point.  Ladies should be able to do exactly what dudes do.  We are equal, and she demanded that – even if we were just talking sex.  Also, she’s a friggin’ machine.  This girl can sing like nobody.  She is just so powerful, and skilled.  My god, she’s good.  You have to respect that.  If I was that good, I would probably have quite an ego, so I do understand hers.  She deserves to be a little cocky, but she could save it for the stage.  I miss liking her.

Basically, Christina was always a little crazy, but I liked the craziness before.  What was different about seeing her as a coach on The Voice?  I guess, I just didn’t know she was kind of mean.  Instead of being humble, kind, considerate, or normal, she’s just shown that she’s a bit too obsessed with herself to really give people the time of day, or the consideration of tact.  She is usually correct in her criticisms; I just wish she’d be nicer about it.

If I had a genie in a bottle, I would ask him to make Christina Aguilera likable again.

To Tony Lucca (aka Mr. Tries-Too-Hard), she called his ass out once.  I was happy.  When she told him that he seemed “one-dimensional” it helped him.  He stepped his game way up, and he was thankful for the comment.  That’s what good criticism does.

But… then she just wouldn’t lay off.  Sometimes, she needed to just say, “Good job,” and leave it at that.  Her final critique was fair and a good point; she complained that doing Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” was a little strange considering its derogatory lyrics and his status as a husband and father (of a daughter).  I don’t really understand why he chose to do this song.  Yes, it was cool.  Yes, it was edgy (I guess).  I think, that like many people, I was sick of how damn hard this guy was trying.  We get it. You’re cool.  Now, sing an actual blues/rock song.  Her criticism was refreshing.  She also complimented the performance and said some nice things.  The problem is that she spent the whole season being a tool to this dude and to Adam Levine (who seems like a tool anyway), so this criticism just seemed like yet another whiny, self-obsessed insult.  It didn’t come off as the rather adept industry-wide issue it is.  OY

Another issue: she was a little cold to all the guests.  Both J. Biebs and The Wanted performed this season and were allegedly “snubbed” by Ms. Aguilera.  She just could have been a little nicer, a little humbler.

Another issue: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE WEARING? WHY WON’T SHE JUST WEAR SOMETHING NORMAL WITH NORMAL HAIR AND NORMAL MAKE-UP?  Why? …. Oh, Christina…

One of many crimes. What is this atrocity?

This actually doesn’t look that bad… but still.

Choose one crazy accessory. Also, wear pants more often. Please!

Suddenly, it seemed like she had fired her crazed stylist, hair and make-up team, and actually just brushed her hair and put on a nice dress. I praised the heavens. It didn’t last.

My point is that I want to like Christina Aguilera.  She is so amazingly talented.  Why can’t she just be nicer?

I’ve got 99 problems, and her attitude is #1.

Christina Aguilera Is NOT Fat.

A lot of people have been freaking out for a while about how “fat” Christina Aguilera has become.  Really?  She’s maybe, at most, a size eight.  Isn’t the average woman a size 14 in this country?  Average Americans are generally pretty frickin’ fat; especially when compared to famous people.  Famous people are held to a truly ridiculous standard of beauty, and their bodies are scrutinized constantly.  This girl appeared on the scene as a teeny tiny teeny bopper.  Now, she’s in her thirties, and she’s a mom.  Maybe we should back off a little.

Christina Aguilera is not fat, y’all.  She’s not even close.  She just grew up, had a baby, gained some normal weight.  How dare a celebrity parade her smaller-than-average, yet not entirely waifish body around like it’s not the worst thing to ever happen?  How dare she wear leggings, jeggings, skirts, dresses, and various other Hollywood-approved items of clothing?  Okay, so she’s a little fuller.  She still has a fairly flat stomach, and she’s a curvy lady.  She has always had impressive ta-tas.  She has always dressed scantily.  She has always flaunted her curves.  Meaning that she does have curves.  Why is that so bad?  Plus, remember when she released the album, “Stripped,” and released songs like, “Dirrrty?”  DO YOU REMEMBER “DIRRTY?”

Anything is better than the weird fake tanned, stippery, midriff-obsessed, dredded, smeared, slutty, dirrrty Christina Aguilera of 2001.  Even if you think she looks “fat,” which is (I reiterate) absurd.  She looks fine.  She looks closer to normal than most celebrities, but that might be a good thing.  Don’t people like that about Kelly Clarkson?  Why can’t we like that about Christina Aguilera too?  Oh no!  Healthy, slightly normal women in Hollywood!  But what if they sound fat on the radio?  We just couldn’t have that.

Turns out, Christina doesn’t give a single eff about people being real a-holes about her weight.  She said, “I’ve been in this for a long time. I came out on the scene when I was 17 years old. ‘You can never be too much of anything. You can never be too prefect, too thin, too curvy, too voluptuous,’ this, that. I’ve been on all sides of the spectrum…  I’m very confident in my body. I think my video works over the years have spoken to that… I’ve been no stranger to being very comfortable in my own skin.”  She also said that her man likes her curves.  (Read more.)

Thus, I think we should leave it be.  If she wants to be a normal person and eat french fries sometimes, why can’t she just freaking do that?

UGH.