Quotes from Children Yelling in a Deli

I spent a good portion of Sunday afternoon in a deli, which was overrun with rambunctious children for a little over an hour.  They were eating frozen yogurt and it was horrifying and funny.  There was a lot of controversy over who got what toppings and if these toppings were “fair.”  There were two adult women (known as Mommy) and about six kids.  They were loud and proud.  Oh, and weird.  They were wonderfully weird.  Here is a sampling of what I heard.

“You’re mommy has a STINK FLOWER!”

“Mom.  Am I invisible now?”
“How ’bout now?”
“Now?”

“She called me a ‘PEANUT.  Punish her.”

(Hits brother.)
“He hit himself!  It wasn’t me.  It wasn’t!”
(Brother silently weeps.)

“Mommy, get me water.  I’m thirsty.  Mommy!  Water!  Water!   Please get me water.  I want water.  Water!  Can you get me water, pleeeaaassseee?  Mommy?  Are you dead?  Can you hear me?  Get me WATER!  Where is the water?  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Can you PLEASE get me some water?  I’m thirsty.  I need water.  I’m thirsty for water!  MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY!”

“Let’s attack the water.”
“Why?”
“Because it must DIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!”

“This place has been attacked by zombies.  The zombie gave me ice cream.  This is zombie ice cream.  These are zombie gummy worms! Everyone run!” (This did scare one of the smaller girls with them.)

“You sit. I talk.  Those are the rules!”

“Why is the baby SO FAT?”

“Mommy.  Am I pooping?”

“Is this my new room?”

“BATHROOM!  NOW!”
(Dramatic pause.)
“Nevermind.  It’s too late.”
(Look of fear on mother’s face unlike anything I’ve ever seen.)

“I’m going to be a monkey.  Watch!” (Climbs wall.  Falls.  Cries.)

“Where’s dad?”

“Mommy, can we have a screaming contest?”

“I want to open the door!”
“NO! It’s my turn.”
“NEVER!”

“I’m the fastest boy.” (Runs.  Falls.  Cries.)

“I can smell you from the night!”
“Well, you smell like a meanie!”
“They can smell you on the moon… because you smell so bad.”
“I hate you.”
(Moms comes around the corner and gives the two boys a look.)
Together: “Love you.” (They hug.)

Christina Aguilera Is NOT Fat.

A lot of people have been freaking out for a while about how “fat” Christina Aguilera has become.  Really?  She’s maybe, at most, a size eight.  Isn’t the average woman a size 14 in this country?  Average Americans are generally pretty frickin’ fat; especially when compared to famous people.  Famous people are held to a truly ridiculous standard of beauty, and their bodies are scrutinized constantly.  This girl appeared on the scene as a teeny tiny teeny bopper.  Now, she’s in her thirties, and she’s a mom.  Maybe we should back off a little.

Christina Aguilera is not fat, y’all.  She’s not even close.  She just grew up, had a baby, gained some normal weight.  How dare a celebrity parade her smaller-than-average, yet not entirely waifish body around like it’s not the worst thing to ever happen?  How dare she wear leggings, jeggings, skirts, dresses, and various other Hollywood-approved items of clothing?  Okay, so she’s a little fuller.  She still has a fairly flat stomach, and she’s a curvy lady.  She has always had impressive ta-tas.  She has always dressed scantily.  She has always flaunted her curves.  Meaning that she does have curves.  Why is that so bad?  Plus, remember when she released the album, “Stripped,” and released songs like, “Dirrrty?”  DO YOU REMEMBER “DIRRTY?”

Anything is better than the weird fake tanned, stippery, midriff-obsessed, dredded, smeared, slutty, dirrrty Christina Aguilera of 2001.  Even if you think she looks “fat,” which is (I reiterate) absurd.  She looks fine.  She looks closer to normal than most celebrities, but that might be a good thing.  Don’t people like that about Kelly Clarkson?  Why can’t we like that about Christina Aguilera too?  Oh no!  Healthy, slightly normal women in Hollywood!  But what if they sound fat on the radio?  We just couldn’t have that.

Turns out, Christina doesn’t give a single eff about people being real a-holes about her weight.  She said, “I’ve been in this for a long time. I came out on the scene when I was 17 years old. ‘You can never be too much of anything. You can never be too prefect, too thin, too curvy, too voluptuous,’ this, that. I’ve been on all sides of the spectrum…  I’m very confident in my body. I think my video works over the years have spoken to that… I’ve been no stranger to being very comfortable in my own skin.”  She also said that her man likes her curves.  (Read more.)

Thus, I think we should leave it be.  If she wants to be a normal person and eat french fries sometimes, why can’t she just freaking do that?

UGH.