Terrible Sex Advice from Magazines

Why are women’s magazines so bad at giving sex advice?  I would think that women who are comfortable with their sexuality, educated enough to work at a major magazine, and given these assignments would have some semblance of reasonable experience and the good sense to know what their partners enjoy to write decent and believable sex tips.  This is just not the case.  Sure, there are occasional gems in these sex advice columns; in an effort to be reasonable (unlike some people), I will give you a few examples of solidly decent advice.

REALLY BAD SEX ADVICE MAKES ME MAKE THIS FACE.

Some Decent Advice:

Be confident.  Wow, this is an actual tip that sex partners will appreciate.  Sexual and body confidence will go a long way in the bedroom (hopefully they aren’t alone on the “long” side).  I think most people will also enjoy their own bedroom experiences if they feel good about themselves, know what they want, and have the confidence to try things with their partner.  This one is good.

However, it’s not great.  If you are overconfident in bed, it can really, really backfire.  Haven’t we all heard stories about, or perhaps even experienced ourselves, people who think they’re amazing at sex, but are actually quite awful?  I recall a tale from a male friend about a lady who gave some boring-ass blowjobs that she thought were the best in the world.  Her blowjobs were even titled, “The Seven Levels of Heaven” (or some other stupid name she’d probably heard in a magazine).  This basically consisted of some limp licks followed by startlingly toothy deep-throats.  By his account, they were creepy, terrifying, and very NOT enjoyable.  Yet, this poor misled girl thought that she was SO good at them.   He later learned that she had, in fact, been instructed to do so by a fashion magazine.  Sadness ensues.

Be open.

That’s also pretty good advice.  Just discuss what you’re being open about with your partner.  None of this surprise S&M business.  Be responsible sexers, please.  You have to ask before you role play.  You should discuss putting frozen coins on your partner’s vagina before doing so (you’ll see this later).  Just talk first.

Terrible Advice.

Before we start, let me remind you to NOT DO THESE THINGS TO ANYONE.

“Give your man a sexy massage by rubbing his buttcheeks and blowing on his crack when you spread them apart.”
That is a real piece of advice I read in Cosmo roughly five years ago.  I still remember it because it is so, so bad.

“Bite his nipples.”
What the what?  You should discuss this first.  Also, they should specify that you shouldn’t bite hard.  I can imagine this going so wrong…

“Text your man racy one-word messages that, when strung together, hint at what you want him to do to you that night.”
Why not just send a complete sentence?  For example, “I want you.”  Another example, “I’m gonna bleep your bleep so bleepy.”

“Build momentum by keying in to an ocean legend that the seventh in a series of sea waves is the strongest. Lie on your back on a bench and have your man make every seventh thrust his most powerful.”
This is impressively specific and ultimately weird.  What happens if you lose count?  Who taught them this?  How does this conversation start, “So, I know you’re really into sailing and screwing… I have a great way to combine your loves, and it’s not sex on a boat.”

“Pop an erotic film into the DVD player, and let the noises serve as inspiration — you’ll feel like you’re in the midst of an orgy.”
Obviously the person who wrote this piece of advise has never seen “an erotic film” because there is nothing realistic or romantic about them.  Watching two actors perform exaggerated sounds of pleasure while a camera crew watches them… That’s not sexy.  Also, do you really want to see a lady with the biggest boobs of all time right before you take off your own top?  I just think this one could end poorly.  You gotta really do some research.  Lots of research.

“Put a frozen grape in your mouth and warm it up a bit. Then hold it between your teeth and glide it down his neck, around his nipples, and over his lips. Finally, use your tongue to slip the grape into his mouth.”
This is really, really detailed.

“Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body. If he’s not a fan of raw fish, use Gummi bears instead.”  
Why Gummi Bears?  I just don’t understand why they went to Gummi Bears if sushi wasn’t acceptable.

“Try light choking.”
Again, this needs to be discussed ahead of time.  This is not a quick change.  Oy.

“Surprise him with anal.”
This should not be a surprise unless previously discussed and agreed upon.

“Put a bunch of very clean (seriously, wash them first) coins in the freezer.  Then, have your man use the coldness of the coins to toy with you while he uses his tongue.  The mix of hot and cold will drive you wild.”
Coins?  Do not put coins on your hooha.  I don’t care how long you wash them.  If you really want to try hot vs. cold, use ice or the grapes from earlier.  Don’t use money.  That’s so weird.  Plus, copper has that strange smell…  I just don’t think this is sexy at all.

I’m sure I’ll write a follow-up to this.  There’s a lot of weird stuff out there.

More on Mr. Akin’s Bullshit (“Legitimate Rape,” etc.)

First, he begs for Forgiveness….

It makes me so mad that he is saying that his issue is “the words” but not his “heart.”  Yes, the issue is about words.  When politicians, when men use words like this to discuss rape, they put it on women.  In our culture we tell women to not get raped, instead of telling men not to rape.

When women are forced to jump through hoops and relive their traumas to prove they were raped, they are being forced and traumatized again.  Abortion is legal and it’s staying that way.  Maybe we should focus on educating men that sexuality is about choice, agency, and mutual desire.  Men should be taught respect and self-control.  Women should be allowed to be sexual and men should be better than raping.  Let’s expect more of the men in our culture.

Let’s stigmatize raping, not being raped.  Victims are victims and they should not be ashamed.  Rapers are evil and they should never be excused.  All rapes are real and legitimate.

For Todd Akin to use these words makes me so angry.  For him to go on and “explain” that women who are raped cannot get pregnant… What the hell?  Who is this guy?  How can someone be that stupid?  Sorry, but pretty much anytime sperm goes into a lady’s vaginal crevasses she has a chance of getting pregnant.  That’s kind of how it works. Ugh.

Todd Akin is one of many politicians making shit up about women’s rights and bodies.  I’m sick and tired of men pretending like they understand rape and abortion.  Actually, a whole heck of a lot of men understand a lot about women – some even understand that there are things they can’t understand.  Many Republican politicians seem to be confused about vaginas, babies, rape, abortion, pregnancy, periods, and other such issues.  I would love to throw some tampons (new, don’t worry) at all the Republican senators… That would be amazing.

Leave our vaginas alone.  Unless you are invited, stay away.  Stay away.

Then, some really amazing grannies take him down.  I love when old ladies swear…

 

This girl also wrote an amazing song about it…

Look Before You Squat: One Woman’s Advice on Toilet Seats

Ladies, look before you sit.  This seems to have reached epidemic levels.  Ladies’ lady parts are plunging themselves into toilets because they aren’t looking before plopping their naked asses on seats other people pee on.  This is something I, as a lady, find confusing.  You see, I’m quite protective of my bum and genitals, thus I look before I squat.

I always have, and thus, I have never fallen into the toilet.  I am really tired of hearing women complain about men leaving the seat up like they’re being attacked and/or disrespected.  Someone just forgot.  It’s like if someone left a seat cushion off a couch…  but you’d probably see that first, and then put it back before setting your rear end on it.  How is this a guy’s responsibility?  You should be more concerned about your own bum.  You should care more.  You shouldn’t feel so entitled.  Also, it’s just a damn toilet seat.  Just move it.  You’ll have to wash your hands either way.

Yes, I think it makes sense for the person who originally moved the seat to move it back, but who gives a crap?  (Pun SO, SO intended.)

Just look.  You’re putting your naked butt (which is really close to you genitals) on something AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LOOK?

Just look.  What if there’s pee on the seat?  What if someone else’s pubes are on the seat?  Wouldn’t you want to check for that anyway?  Wouldn’t you also want to make sure there’s TP while you’re at it.  Just look.

This week in UNACCEPTABLE: Axe for Women?

A couple of days ago, I was at the gym, doin’ my thang on the elliptical, when all of a sudden it hit me. No, really, it hit me: a giant wave of stench. It smelled vaguely like spicy rotting fruit. It was… AXE. You know, that stupid body spray that guys think will make you want to sleep with them but really just smells like they forgot to take a shower this morning? Yeah, that stuff. I proceded to gasp for fresh air, and, it being inside of a gym with no air movement, began to hack up a lung.

Seriously, though–Axe smells like the equivalent of perishable cologne. Manfume gone bad. Very bad. But dudes LOVE this stuff; especially big meaty dudes who hang out at the gym and apparently think showering is for pussies. Or something. The gym always reeks like this crap (and the smell of feet/dirty socks, but you know. It’s the gym.) I don’t understand where–other than their awful ad campaigns–guys got the idea that any self-respecting female actually likes the way this stuff smells. A shittier version of Old Spice doesn’t make me want to jump your bones. Sorry.

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, lo and behold, I was proven wrong while watching the Super Bowl.

Now women get to smell like spicy rotting fruit, too! Oh, joy. Actually it probably smells like the crappy cotton candy body spray everyone used in my middle school. I wouldn’t be surprised. I almost wished for a moment I had smell-o-vision so I could smell this strange new product. What’s the verdict? Weird rotten fruit or typical fourteen year old cotton candy smell?

More importantly, how will an ad campaign for women even work? Given that Axe’s big claim is, “Hey, AnyDude: use our stuff and hot models will come creeping out of the bushes to have sex with you all the time,” how would that work for women in a non-creepy way?

Funny or Die asked that same question, and here’s what they came up with.

Despite the crass ending to this commercial, they’ve got a point. Bottom line: Axe is unacceptable (or unacceptably bad-smelling) for dudes. It’s bound to be equally unacceptable for women, if not just plain weird.

Read more about “Axe Anarchy” in this New York Times article.

How to Tell Your Friend Her Significant Other Is Ugly

We all have a friend who is dating someone downright ugly. Every time you see them together, you cringe inwardly, and try to put the most enthusiastic smile possible on your face so they’re none-the-wiser. This happens. It’s not unusual. However, with the pervasiveness of social media, and some people’s tendency to post a MILLION pictures of themselves and their creepy-looking significant other, now you get to have a bird’s eye view of their makeout sessions and a little bit of their ugly permeating every part of your internet experience!

Okay, so I’m overdoing this a bit. But really, how do you tell your friend her boyfriend looks like a turtle that never closes its mouth?

First things first: emphasize her good looks. Your friend is pretty good looking. Tell her so. Maybe she’s dating turtle-man because she thinks she can’t do any better, so building her confidence will help a lot. However, you also run the risk of her sudden boost of confidence resulting in an even further overload of awful girl-on-turtle-action photos for you and everyone else she’s friends with. Beware.

Complain bitterly about hot girl/ugly dude combos on tv. There are plenty examples of this. My all-time favorite was King of Queens. Sorry, but Kevin James is not attractive, and his TV wife, Leah Remini, was smokin’ hot.

Even if your friend sticks up for James, insisting he’s “okay looking” or “at least he’s funny,” nip that shit in the bud. Stick to your guns; remember, this isn’t about Kevin James. It’s about turtle-man. Emphasize that it’s sexist and unfair that Leah Remini is so skinny, cute, and fashionable, while her husband is a tubby, sloppy, good-for-nothing. If she persists in her love for Kevin James, bring out the big guns. This is the guy that became “Paul Blart, Mall Cop.” Conversation over–you, 1; friend, 0.

If she’s worried about other girls coveting her man, make sure you chime in with, “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” Explain that he’s “different” from what most girls want. Explain that you don’t think a lot of girls would be attracted to “his type.”

When prompted with “Don’t we/Doesn’t he look cute/great/good/wonderful/whatever else” smile and tell her one of two things: You look great!” or “That’s a great shirt… did you give it to him?” Avoid complimenting him at all costs. She will try to make you. DON’T SUCCUMB!

Finally, think about why it matters that this dude is so ugly. Is it because he’s just unfortunate looking, or is there something worse going on? Is he ugly and a douchebag? Is he incredibly annoying? Is he a free-loader? Chances are that, unless you’re a miserable human being, you don’t dislike your friend’s latest flame just because he wound up with the ugly gene. You want what’s best for your friend, and an ugly jerkoff is possibly worse than just a jerkoff. So help her build her self-confidence, and when she comes crying to you about the new awful thing her boyfriend did, don’t hesitate to call her out: she deserves better.

Why baby-faced men shouldn’t grow facial hair

I’m usually pretty open to however you want to style your hair(s). Do what you will. Even if you want to sport ridiculous chops, dude, go for it. This all changes when you’re a baby-faced man. Baby-faced men should not grow beards. Never. Never ever. Are you unconvinced? I present my photo gallery:

That would be Zac (“Where’s the k?”) Efron. Dude looks straight up creepy in the first two. Five o’clock shadow is all right, but the moustache and the weird patch goatee? NO. Not allowed.

Whatchu doin’, Shia? You look crazy. CRAZY and creepy I tell you.

Hot Jake Gyllenhaal with weird hat vs. Jake Gyllenhaal as Man from the Mountain: Hot Jake wins every time.

Robert Pattinson took the WRONG memo from the above photo. He looks like a pedophile/drugged-out homeless creeper. NO FACIAL HAIR FOR BABY-FACED MEN, DAMNIT.

If you still are unconvinced, I believe you are simply in denial. The threat of facial hair in baby-faced men is a very real and present danger. And if you don’t believe me, just ask Justin Bieber.

BIEBER BEARD???

There’s Nothing Funny About Living With Dudes

The New Girl is a television show airing on FOX, starring the adorable and quirky Zooey Deschanel. The main premise of the show, aside from Deschanel’s epic break-up, is the cute-but-totally-weird-and-awkward girl lives with three dudes, and isn’t that hilarious?!? One girl living with a bunch of guys!! AHHAAAA!

I am going to fill you in, America, there is nothing cute or funny about being the one girl living with a bunch of dudes. Take it from someone who did it: Nothing about it is funny and everything about it sucks.

Five Reasons Not to Move in With Your Guy Friends

1. Everything smells like male body odor and Axe.

Dudes smell. There’s just no way around it. Whether it’s dirty socks lurking in the living room or strange smells wafting into your bedroom from the room across the hall, there’s always a smell of dude sweat when you live with guys. Also, now that we have been blessed with Axe (because Old Spice just wasn’t cutting it for awful pseudo-cologne anymore), every bathroom always smells like a strange combination of cinnamon and musk, causing any person with asthma who enters to immediately have a coughing fit. Awesome.

2. If you weren’t bargaining for a parade of whores, you should have.

Guys are focused on one thing when they go out: getting chicks to come home with them. Get ready for a parade of different girls who range in attractiveness from the super hot to the painfully ugly tramping around your house at all hours of the night and awkwardly sneaking by so they don’t have to introduce themselves (or be introduced) to you. They (perhaps rightfully) fear your womanly judgment. Also, you will oftentimes find they’ve used the only girly products in the bathroom after they’ve fucked your roommate and took a shower before they did their walk of shame. Thanks, ladies. Much obliged. Additionally, every friend you ever invite over will not only be treated as a house guest, but will often be invited to be one of your roomies’ bed guest as well, because you no longer have friends: you have potential sex partners for your roommates.

3. You will know every song from every video game and the plot to every bad action flick forward and backward.

Your living room is no longer a living room. It is now what is called a “man cave.” That means the staple decorations are empty beer cans, three week old potato chips hiding beneath the rug, dirty dishes, and the lurking stray sock I mentioned before. The TV will only show the following: sports of all kinds (even those as obscure and stupid as curling), first person shooters and sports video games (if you don’t know that first term, live with dudes and it will become VERY familiar), bad action movies or other manly movies, sci-fi series movies–think Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, and other crappy and generally unfunny TV (e.g. Workaholics). Forget ever watching Grey’s Anatomy or Teen Mom or Say Yes to the Dress or Ghost or any Lifetime movie.

4. Your kitchen will always be sticky, dirty, and smell like something died in it.

Dudes generally suck at cooking and/or know nothing about storing food. This results in a lot of food particles and rotting bananas around your kitchen. Between this, sticky beer/alcohol residue, beer cans, and Chinese take out and pizza boxes, it’s basically impossible to navigate, let alone cook in this room. So, that Coq Au Vin recipe you were going to make for your boyfriend for your anniversary? Yeah, forget about it–go out.

5. They don’t see you as a girlfriend/sex partner, and therefore you fit into the same category as their mother.

You have passed from being drooled over as the sex object or chased after as the girlfriend into the friend zone. You aren’t an accessible vagina, and therefore when you ask for something, it’s nagging. Now you’ve entered the mom zone. Once this happens, all bets are off. Get used to being expected to clean up after your dude roomies, retrieve forks from their bedrooms when they all disappear from the kitchen, pick up those dirty socks in the living room, clean the bathroom fixtures, and take care of all the things their mothers have been doing for them for the last twenty two years.

So instead of living with four dudes, you, in the matter of a few weeks, have suddenly birthed quadruplets. Congratulations on being a New Mom!

Manly Men

Apparently, being a man is everything.  It is fricking everything.  BUT, being brave is not being a man; it’s just being brave.  Sure, I like to say, “Man up!” or “Grow a pair!” as much as the next person, but I think we need to consider the implications of these little phrases.  These phrases imply that to be brave, we must tap into our inner-dude.  They imply that only men are brave.  For me, this just isn’t going to work.  If it takes balls to have balls, then I must have balls… right?

The thing is, I don’t have or want actual balls, but I’ll be damned if someone gets something I don’t because they do.  I certainly have figurative balls, or cajones, or “a pair” (of balls).  I’m brave.  I’m assertive.  I’m sick of people marrying these traits to masculinity.  Whatever happened to the whole “I am woman, hear me roar!” thing?  Women can be assertive, aggressive, brave and ballsy without being mannish or unwomanly.  Being brave doesn’t make me a bitch; being a bitch makes me a bitch.  I am still feminine when I am assertive.  I am still a woman when I’m knocking a man down a few notches.  Also, just because I’m destroying some dude in a debate, argument, drinking contest, arm wrestling match, wood chopping contest, four wheeler race or whatever I’m doing that day, it doesn’t mean I’m emasculating him.  I’m just beating him.  I’m winning.  He’s losing.  He’s still a boy and I’m still a girl.

 

Being tough shouldn’t challenge my femininity or anyone else’s masculinity.  I get to be a tough womanly woman.

When people say, “Man up!” they are telling someone to do the right thing, to step up to a challenge, to face their fears.  I can do all those things without manning up, I just do them.  Am I womanning up?  Am I chicking up?  What’s happening then?

I can do what a man does.  I can fight a man if I need to, and I have.  My friends can vouch for that.  I use a lot of f-bombs and call people dude.  It’s part of how I fight.

Chicks rule.  We don’t need to be dudes.  Listen to Jessie J.

Or, for a lesson in true masculinity, look at Neville.