Thighs of Glory (Read: Beyonce’s Thighs)

(Amendment at end.)

Today, I learned that I have thighs of glory.  This does not mean my thighs are skinny, because they are not and they never will be.  Skinny thighs give me the creeps.  A “gentleman” walking about downtown Ann Arbor exclaimed upon seeing my pasty, glorious thighs, that they were, in fact, “Sweet and juicy.”  My first reaction, as always, was to get incredibly angry.  I generally get hypermasculine, start swearing, and calling people dudes when I am approached in this manner.  As you might imagine, I do not like being approached by random men who want to comment on my specific body parts and their potential “uses.”  Instead, I simply laughed at these strange and utterly creepy proclamations of my thigh’s awesomeness.

I thought to myself, “Here I am, a slightly-less-fat-than-average person with well-developed leg muscles (mostly the calves), pasty skin, a partial sunburn on my forehead, jiggly thighs, and fairly low self-esteem.  Yet, this possibly drunk man has enjoyed the show (by show, I mean that I walked by in longer-than-apparently-average shorts).  Maybe, I will just laugh at this and be thankful that someone out there still understands that thighs are meant to be thick, strong, and fleshy.  Thighs should look like thighs.”

I would much rather have Beyonce’s thighs of glory (however pastier, less toned, and altogether less glorious), than skinny thighs (ahem, LeAnn Rhimes, Victoria Beckham, Kiera Knightly, almost every model, and Miley Cyrus).  I would rather look like Serena Williams than a 12-year-old.  Skinny thighs are for children.  Thick thighs are for women.

Beyonce looks amazing. Her thighs are made of glory, sunshine, dance skills, and squats.

Seriously, how great does Beyonce look?  This lady helped bring back the popularity of thicker thighs, and I am thankful.  The ladies who write this blog are fans of curves.  Curves are normal.  Beyonce is clearly above average in all ways, but I think we need to remember the glory of “sweet and juicy thighs.”

This picture is so intimidating and amazing. Serena Williams could jump over a skyscraper with those legs. She could crush anything. They are glorious.

Serena Williams could destroy us all with her thighs.  I feel pretty good about that.  She is strong and sexy; her presence in pop culture is good for women with curves.

I know that this post may seem a bit strange.  *After all, I did get inspiration from a drunken cat call.*  However, it is somewhat comforting that people are appreciating pale, fleshy thighs.  That’s all.

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Amendment:

After reading some comments, I realize that this post needs clarification.  Thin thighs are not “unacceptable,” “horrible,” nor are they somehow inherently “bad.”  It is not bad to be a thin person.  No one is a villain simply having thin thighs.

What is bad and scary, then?

It is bad and scary to push a body to extremes.  It is bad to glorify thinness above all else.  It is bad to glorify unhealthy habits that push people into unhealthy weights.  Just as a person can be too fat, a person can be too thin.  Both are bad.  The thing, not a lot of people are striving to be fat.  A lot of people are spending their days and nights obsessing over being thin at any price.  A lot of people have blogs and tumblrs devoted to “thinspo” with all kinds of ways to get skinny.  There are too many little girls and women out there who hurt themselves to achieve a level of thin that is not healthy for them.

That said, making thin women the villain is wrong.

Thin women just so happen to be thin.  Many people want to be thin, and that’s okay.  But wanting to be thin, or wanting to have Beyonce’s thighs, at any cost… that’s scary.

Also, Beyonce is amazing.

Why can’t anyone poop?

I assume most are familiar with the above product, but in case you aren’t, this is Activia yogurt. For a long time, they advertised themselves as a yogurt to “make you regular,” or, in non-polite speak, make you shit if you’re currently unable. That’s what that discreet little arrow stands for. And it was primarily marketed to women.

Then you’ve got those fiber cereal/granola bars, which there are a ton of floating around on the market. These are also supposed to “make you regular.” In fact, fiber has become quite the buzz word in the past few years. There used to be products like Metamucil that were covertly advertised as poo-inducing, but the fiber craze has really taken hold as of late–the emphasis on this digestive aid has increased quite a bit.

Additionally, now the sugar substitute “Splenda” comes enriched with a bunch of other stuff. Splenda Essentials include B-vitamins, antioxidants, and (of course) fiber. In fact, the commercial suggests you put it in your morning coffee. I think the subtext here is, “If you couldn’t shit with Metamucil, get ready for your ass to explode.”

On the whole, these products are marketed as products to “make you regular” and they are primarily targeting women over thirty. So I ask: American women, why can’t you poop?

Now, this is not a matter of being too dainty to poop, since they’re all smiles and talking about pooping in a not-so-secretive way on primetime TV. They/we want to talk about “fiber” all the time, and any idiot knows what that means. So what gives? If you’re not too dainty, and you’re not too shy–because its painfully obvious that neither of these options is the case–what is wrong with you? Don’t you think that instead of self-medicating with all these whack products, you might need to go see a doctor? Or, alternatively, you could do something like eat a carrot or two. Eat some whole wheat bread. Pick a salad instead of a burger. Really, there are ways to get fiber that don’t involve adding it to your coffee, drinking orange colored and flavored powder, or eating weird yogurt advertised a little too enthusiastically by Jamie Lee Curtis.

Seriously! This is goddamn terrifying!

I leave you, reader, with the people who can discuss this best: the cast of Saturday Night Live.

FAT

Fat is a powerful word.  Normally, I’m sassy, saucy and a little bit bitchy in the face of insults or arguments, but if someone dares to utter this little three-letter word, I’m done.  Why is it so powerful?  I don’t know exactly, but I’ll bet it has a whole lot to do with our society’s obsession with weight.  Skinny is beautiful, ideal, healthy, self-aware and responsible.  Fat is lazy, sad, denial, unhealthy and overtly irresponsible.  To some degree, I get it.  When someone weighs enough to limit their ability to move, to walk, to live, to wash themselves, it does make me feel sad and question their judgment.  However, I feel very similarly about really skinny people.  When I see a really thin, clearly eating-disordered person, I feel sad and I question their judgment.  What does this tell us?  Well, first of all that we are probably a little too aware of weight.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was called FAT in these photos. She's looks super-hot! She is SO SO SO not fat! Come on...

That said, I feel it needs a caveat.  We are all too aware of other people’s weight and most of us are also a little delusional about our own. Rarely do I hear a person accurately describe their own body, this tells me that I am statistically likely to be one of those people too.  In my mind (on most days), I’m huge.  I look down at myself and think that I am a ridiculously fat mess, but the thing is… I’m not.  I’m actually pretty average.  I know that I a lot of people use the word “curvy” as a substitute for the dread “fat,” but I think in this case I am actually curvy.  You know, as in curvaceous.  Yet, I feel fat.  I get called fat.  Sure, it doesn’t happen as much as it did in Middle School or High School, but it still happens and that sucks.  Seriously, it sucks to get called fat – even if you are.  Chew the fat, but don’t chew out the fatties. 
I think it’s also important to remember that “skinny” and “healthy” are not synonyms.  Healthy people come in a bigger spectrum (pun intended).  Bodies can be healthy even above 105 lbs., I promise.  Also, dudes don’t need to look like body builders, they can look quite normal and be quite healthy.  I would also like to give a shout out to the chubby dudes; they are way better boyfriends and usually work a lot harder at being people.  I like people.  Let’s be people.
I think the wrong names are often getting used to categorize our bodies.  “Fat” often means “chubby.”  “Chubby” often means “normal +5lbs.”  “Healthy” means nothing because no one has a healthy image of what healthy really is or ought to be.  “Normal” usually means “not incredibly skinny.”  “Thin” means “skinny.”  And when people call themselves “skinny,” well, that’s just weird.  The words we use to categorize our bodies have lost all meaning because no one uses them properly.  In fact, when I try to categorize my body, I feel frozen – if I say one thing, I feel like I’m lying.  When I try to change that to something else, I feel like it sounds like I might be implying that I’m fat, but trying to cover it up.  God forbid I sound fat!  What would I do then?  All I know is it’s something hyperbolic.  That much I know for sure.  If I say that I’m curvy, people think I’m saying I’m fat.  If someone calls me cute, or adorable, I think they’re calling me fat, but not completely gross.  If someone called me thin, I would laugh in their face.  What is an acceptable category?  I have no clue.  Maybe instead of having a fat or thin body, I can just have a body.  Yes?  I would like that.
Your body is a temple.  My body is a temple.  His body, her body, they are all temples.  Right?  If every body is a temple, respect the right to religious freedom. 
It’s not my business if you are fat, or thin, or average.  It’s not your business what I am either.  Unless, of course, you would like to pay my temple a compliment, or a donation… then, comment and donate away!
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