Snake-Tongue, The Over-Confident
I made the mistake of allowing this small-ish man to kiss me. It was shockingly bad. He then bragged about how good of a kisser he was, which I found alarming. He asked me to confirm, and I said… “Uh, I have to go.” He then tried to convince me to sleep with him by explaining that he was as good at sex as he was at kissing. So… I said, “No, thanks.”
It was awkward.
You see, I had allowed this small “gentleman” to walk me home, thinking that due to our common friends and his general demeanor, that he would not try a thing. Well, he tried some things. At first, he was just sort of oddly asking me to go out with him. I was trying to negotiate down and not really interested. Then, he just full-out went for a make-out session with my face. I mean, he dove into my face. He stuck his tiny, thin tongue down my throat and just kept jabbing it into my mouth. His tongue moved in short, terrifying spurts. It felt like he was trying tenderize my mouth. It was, hands down, the worst kissing experience of my life. Perhaps, the worst of all time.
He then began to tell me that he was “really, really good at stuff that girls like.” I was like… “No.” He kept trying to talk me into going to his place or letting him in mine so he could show me his skills. He tried convincing me because he promised that “We don’t go all the way.” He said, “We don’t go all the way” about 50 times. It was an actual negotiation to him. He thought that if he promised me orgasms and only foreplay, I’d be totally down. In actuality, I was just trying to get him away from me without totally destroying our mutual friendship situation and without him knowing which apartment was actually mine. He seemed very stalkery.
The reason he knew he was so good at pleasuring women?
He went to an all-boys school where the older boys “taught them all about that stuff.” Uh… Not to be judgmental, but wouldn’t older boys teaching younger boys about sex-stuff likely not involve women? I mean, wouldn’t that experience all be dude-on-dude? I just don’t think the ancient Greek system of old men making love to young men bodes well for that man’s skills with women. You know?
When I finally convinced him that I really, truly, actually, for real was NOT going to mes around with his snake-tongued face, he said something horrible.
“Are you on your menstruation?”
The only reason he could imagine I wouldn’t want to feel his tiny hands or creepy tongue all over me was that I was on my period. This yucky, creepy question was the last straw. I slapped him across the face and told him to get real far, real fast. He ran away. He was a gross asshole.
This is, by far, the worst thing I’ve heard in response to rejection. Never, never bring up a woman’s menstruation.
He showed up at my apartment building the next day, calling me repeatedly (with a number he got from my friends), and begging to go on a date. He also told me he lied about his age (he was younger) and he boasted his virginity. I did not pick up the phone or see him again.