The Worst of Online Dating: “Wanna Bang & Have Mutual Meals?” PART DEUX

You may remember a recent post about a particularly brazen gentlemen who recently sent me a message about becoming fuck buddies…  I then sent him a super weird reply.  Well, he wrote back!

He really believed he could turn it around.  Now, that’s confidence.

Original message:

Hello,

I’m a full time student now doing masters, I work 40+ hrs at the Hosptial, and work occasionally in between that. So non-commitment sexual encounters with possible mutual meals is all I ever have time for this semester . As far as in the sheets go, I’m not turned on just by the mundane, gentle sex. I enjoy it time to time as a way to break up the rougher side. I’m definitely turned on the most by knowledge , intelligence and beauty which you seem to have all. If you have any questions you’d like to ask, I’ll answer anything.
Also I promise to keep things discreet .

Thanks,
Gary

My gross response:

Hey Gary,

While I am super-impressed that you have so much going on. I mean, I just have two jobs, two volunteers positions, classes, workshops, and self-respect, I can’t believe you’ve managed to stay awake long enough to write this charming message. I mean, my god, that’s impressive. If I had a job and some classes, I’d only be able to do that and sleep. Look at you, making time to troll the internet for women to screw.

It’s always nice when a complete stranger sends me a message that hints to their sexual proclivities. How unusual that you enjoy both slow and fast sex? I’ve never met a man who enjoyed different kinds of sex. You must be really deep. Personally, I’m only into completely silent, open-eyed, well-lit intercourse. I also enjoy wearing colonial dresses when I fornicate; it makes it more complicated, but it’s totally worth it.

It sounds like you are definitely turned on by intelligence. Sex is the best way for a person to express their intelligence. Before I put on my colonial sex dress, I usually give my potential sex partner a quiz on world history, algebra, and poetic forms. I only proceed with my straight-A students.

Here are some questions:
1. Has this ever worked?
2. How many women have you successfully banged? Please provide numbers for women you met online vs. women you met in person.
3. Why bother making a profile when you could just go to Rick’s or Necto?
4. What about my profile made you think I’d want to be your fuck buddy?
5. What’s your favorite color?
6. Can I call you Gare-Bear?
7. Can I please, please, please have your phone number? I can’t wait to come over!

All my love,
Ryan Gosling

His NEW Response:

At least it got u talking! It does have the scope to develop into something meaningful and I am pretty flexible , at the same time I am not the one to keep flooding your inbox. I can definitely predict that you would make a great writer and wish to apologize for offending you. Following are true answers to your questions:

1. Yes.
2. Met online: 30ish vs. met in person 10ish.
3. favorite color is blue.
4. I found you really pretty and wanted to try my luck, you got to try to succeed , right?
5. phone number: 313-***-****
6. you can call me whatever you want.

Best wishes,
Gary

My NEW Response:

Nope. I’m good.

His final, very annoyed response:

Hey! At you should say it in a way a writer ought to put it. You must not be as good as you think.
Simply saying no is no fun .

I can hear you masticating.

I hate loud masticators. And people who generally chew with their mouths open. But if there’s one place you ought to really watch your mouth, it’s the library (enjoy that pun). Where I can hear nothing BUT your smacking and chewing when we’re in a quiet room and you’re sitting at the same damn table as me. Good lord! Yes, jerkface, I’m giving you the stink eye right now because I’m sure even everyone on the other side of the room can hear you chew!

There’s something especially gross about hearing someone chew their food. In fact, messy eaters are very similar. I just don’t want to see or hear your eating process. There’s nothing attractive about that. It is, in fact, revolting. It’s just something I don’t want to share with you.

Keep your cookies to yourself.

Dumb Things I’ve Seen on the Bus Reprise

I’ve seen and heard a lot of dumb things on the bus. I don’t know what it is about being among strangers on a moving vehicle that makes people want to act inappropriately, but there’s definitely something going on.

Today, I saw a woman CLIPPING HER FINGERNAILS on the bus. Yes. You know, what you usually do over the trash can. Or a toilet. ALONE.

Image Courtesy of TrainPigs.Wordpress.Com

I even get grossed out when my boyfriend clips his nails in front of me. There’s something about clipped nails that is nasty (and I hear they’re one of the most germ-friendly places on your body, too, by the way) and it is definitely not something I’d do in front of anyone, let alone on a bus full of strangers. Not only is it super gross to hear your fingernails snapping off but I really don’t want to be the person who sits down after you in a pile of “debris.”

For anyone who has the urge to cut their fingernails in public, consider this a friendly piece of advice: DO IT AT HOME. IN YOUR BATHROOM. ALONE.

 

For more on gross public transportation behavior, visit Train Pigs.