Well, here we are. Back to online dating. Yikes.
While it does seem to work pretty well, online dating comes with some major annoyances, and beautifully hilarious encounters. Women have a real advantage on these sites because men of all ages want to sleep with women in their 20s. That means most messages are from men I have no interest in meeting, and who have very little in common with me. Most messages just say, “how are you?” or “your beautiful. what’s up?” and so on.
By the way, the “your” in “your beautiful” is how most of them are written. Very few people have figured out that “your” and “you’re” are not at all the same.
Basically, it’s mostly fine. I don’t respond very often, but sometimes the particularly offensive messages inspire to write back. Sometimes I just draft messages that I dream of writing, but don’t actually hit send. Here’s my question: should I send them?
Below, I’ve sent along a beautifully bold message I received just today… Should I send my super-weird response? Should I just let it die?
His beautiful message:
I’m a full time student now doing masters, I work 40+ hrs at the Hosptial, and work occasionally in between that. So non-commitment sexual encounters with possible mutual meals is all I ever have time for this semester . As far as in the sheets go, I’m not turned on just by the mundane, gentle sex. I enjoy it time to time as a way to break up the rougher side. I’m definitely turned on the most by knowledge , intelligence and beauty which you seem to have all. If you have any questions you’d like to ask , I’ll answer anything.
Also I promise to keep things discreet .
My gross response:
While I am super-impressed that you have so much going on. I mean, I just have two jobs, two volunteers positions, classes, workshops, and self-respect, I can’t believe you’ve managed to stay awake long enough to write this charming message. I mean, my god, that’s impressive. If I had a job and some classes, I’d only be able to do that and sleep. Look at you, making time to troll the internet for women to screw.
It’s always nice when a complete stranger sends me a message that hints to their sexual proclivities. How unusual that you enjoy both slow and fast sex? I’ve never met a man who enjoyed different kinds of sex. You must be really deep. Personally, I’m only into completely silent, open-eyed, well-lit intercourse. I also enjoy wearing colonial dresses when I fornicate; it makes it more complicated, but it’s totally worth it.
It sounds like you are definitely turned on by intelligence. Sex is the best way for a person to express their intelligence. Before I put on my colonial sex dress, I usually give my potential sex partner a quiz on world history, algebra, and poetic forms. I only proceed with my straight-A students.
Here are some questions:
1. Has this ever worked?
2. How many women have you successfully banged? Please provide numbers for women you met online vs. women you met in person.
3. Why bother making a profile when you could just go to Rick’s or Necto?
4. What about my profile made you think I’d want to be your fuck buddy?
5. What’s your favorite color?
6. Can I call you Gare-Bear?
7. Can I please, please, please have your phone number? I can’t wait to come over!
All my love,