Look Before You Squat: One Woman’s Advice on Toilet Seats

Ladies, look before you sit.  This seems to have reached epidemic levels.  Ladies’ lady parts are plunging themselves into toilets because they aren’t looking before plopping their naked asses on seats other people pee on.  This is something I, as a lady, find confusing.  You see, I’m quite protective of my bum and genitals, thus I look before I squat.

I always have, and thus, I have never fallen into the toilet.  I am really tired of hearing women complain about men leaving the seat up like they’re being attacked and/or disrespected.  Someone just forgot.  It’s like if someone left a seat cushion off a couch…  but you’d probably see that first, and then put it back before setting your rear end on it.  How is this a guy’s responsibility?  You should be more concerned about your own bum.  You should care more.  You shouldn’t feel so entitled.  Also, it’s just a damn toilet seat.  Just move it.  You’ll have to wash your hands either way.

Yes, I think it makes sense for the person who originally moved the seat to move it back, but who gives a crap?  (Pun SO, SO intended.)

Just look.  You’re putting your naked butt (which is really close to you genitals) on something AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LOOK?

Just look.  What if there’s pee on the seat?  What if someone else’s pubes are on the seat?  Wouldn’t you want to check for that anyway?  Wouldn’t you also want to make sure there’s TP while you’re at it.  Just look.

I can hear you masticating.

I hate loud masticators. And people who generally chew with their mouths open. But if there’s one place you ought to really watch your mouth, it’s the library (enjoy that pun). Where I can hear nothing BUT your smacking and chewing when we’re in a quiet room and you’re sitting at the same damn table as me. Good lord! Yes, jerkface, I’m giving you the stink eye right now because I’m sure even everyone on the other side of the room can hear you chew!

There’s something especially gross about hearing someone chew their food. In fact, messy eaters are very similar. I just don’t want to see or hear your eating process. There’s nothing attractive about that. It is, in fact, revolting. It’s just something I don’t want to share with you.

Keep your cookies to yourself.

FAT

Fat is a powerful word.  Normally, I’m sassy, saucy and a little bit bitchy in the face of insults or arguments, but if someone dares to utter this little three-letter word, I’m done.  Why is it so powerful?  I don’t know exactly, but I’ll bet it has a whole lot to do with our society’s obsession with weight.  Skinny is beautiful, ideal, healthy, self-aware and responsible.  Fat is lazy, sad, denial, unhealthy and overtly irresponsible.  To some degree, I get it.  When someone weighs enough to limit their ability to move, to walk, to live, to wash themselves, it does make me feel sad and question their judgment.  However, I feel very similarly about really skinny people.  When I see a really thin, clearly eating-disordered person, I feel sad and I question their judgment.  What does this tell us?  Well, first of all that we are probably a little too aware of weight.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was called FAT in these photos. She's looks super-hot! She is SO SO SO not fat! Come on...

That said, I feel it needs a caveat.  We are all too aware of other people’s weight and most of us are also a little delusional about our own. Rarely do I hear a person accurately describe their own body, this tells me that I am statistically likely to be one of those people too.  In my mind (on most days), I’m huge.  I look down at myself and think that I am a ridiculously fat mess, but the thing is… I’m not.  I’m actually pretty average.  I know that I a lot of people use the word “curvy” as a substitute for the dread “fat,” but I think in this case I am actually curvy.  You know, as in curvaceous.  Yet, I feel fat.  I get called fat.  Sure, it doesn’t happen as much as it did in Middle School or High School, but it still happens and that sucks.  Seriously, it sucks to get called fat – even if you are.  Chew the fat, but don’t chew out the fatties. 
I think it’s also important to remember that “skinny” and “healthy” are not synonyms.  Healthy people come in a bigger spectrum (pun intended).  Bodies can be healthy even above 105 lbs., I promise.  Also, dudes don’t need to look like body builders, they can look quite normal and be quite healthy.  I would also like to give a shout out to the chubby dudes; they are way better boyfriends and usually work a lot harder at being people.  I like people.  Let’s be people.
I think the wrong names are often getting used to categorize our bodies.  “Fat” often means “chubby.”  “Chubby” often means “normal +5lbs.”  “Healthy” means nothing because no one has a healthy image of what healthy really is or ought to be.  “Normal” usually means “not incredibly skinny.”  “Thin” means “skinny.”  And when people call themselves “skinny,” well, that’s just weird.  The words we use to categorize our bodies have lost all meaning because no one uses them properly.  In fact, when I try to categorize my body, I feel frozen – if I say one thing, I feel like I’m lying.  When I try to change that to something else, I feel like it sounds like I might be implying that I’m fat, but trying to cover it up.  God forbid I sound fat!  What would I do then?  All I know is it’s something hyperbolic.  That much I know for sure.  If I say that I’m curvy, people think I’m saying I’m fat.  If someone calls me cute, or adorable, I think they’re calling me fat, but not completely gross.  If someone called me thin, I would laugh in their face.  What is an acceptable category?  I have no clue.  Maybe instead of having a fat or thin body, I can just have a body.  Yes?  I would like that.
Your body is a temple.  My body is a temple.  His body, her body, they are all temples.  Right?  If every body is a temple, respect the right to religious freedom. 
It’s not my business if you are fat, or thin, or average.  It’s not your business what I am either.  Unless, of course, you would like to pay my temple a compliment, or a donation… then, comment and donate away!
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