Christina Aguilera Won’t Let Me Like Her

I’ve got 99 problems, and her attitude is #1.

Oh, Christina…

I should warn you all that this post is largely about The Voice on NBC.  I love this show, and I’m not ashamed of it.  If you have seen any clips or episodes, you may have noticed that Christina Aguilera has been acting a little rude, a little conceited, and sometimes just completely unlikable.  I want to like her, but just won’t let me.

I didn’t understand “Genie in a Bottle,” but I loved it. I liked it too.  Yes, when she went through her slutty phase, it was hard for me to support her, but she had empowering songs, and “Beautiful,” which is a great song, dammit.  Even when she was “Dirty,” she was likable.  She sang about how dudes can be “players,” but ladies are “sluts” and “whores.”  I think that’s a great point.  Ladies should be able to do exactly what dudes do.  We are equal, and she demanded that – even if we were just talking sex.  Also, she’s a friggin’ machine.  This girl can sing like nobody.  She is just so powerful, and skilled.  My god, she’s good.  You have to respect that.  If I was that good, I would probably have quite an ego, so I do understand hers.  She deserves to be a little cocky, but she could save it for the stage.  I miss liking her.

Basically, Christina was always a little crazy, but I liked the craziness before.  What was different about seeing her as a coach on The Voice?  I guess, I just didn’t know she was kind of mean.  Instead of being humble, kind, considerate, or normal, she’s just shown that she’s a bit too obsessed with herself to really give people the time of day, or the consideration of tact.  She is usually correct in her criticisms; I just wish she’d be nicer about it.

If I had a genie in a bottle, I would ask him to make Christina Aguilera likable again.

To Tony Lucca (aka Mr. Tries-Too-Hard), she called his ass out once.  I was happy.  When she told him that he seemed “one-dimensional” it helped him.  He stepped his game way up, and he was thankful for the comment.  That’s what good criticism does.

But… then she just wouldn’t lay off.  Sometimes, she needed to just say, “Good job,” and leave it at that.  Her final critique was fair and a good point; she complained that doing Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” was a little strange considering its derogatory lyrics and his status as a husband and father (of a daughter).  I don’t really understand why he chose to do this song.  Yes, it was cool.  Yes, it was edgy (I guess).  I think, that like many people, I was sick of how damn hard this guy was trying.  We get it. You’re cool.  Now, sing an actual blues/rock song.  Her criticism was refreshing.  She also complimented the performance and said some nice things.  The problem is that she spent the whole season being a tool to this dude and to Adam Levine (who seems like a tool anyway), so this criticism just seemed like yet another whiny, self-obsessed insult.  It didn’t come off as the rather adept industry-wide issue it is.  OY

Another issue: she was a little cold to all the guests.  Both J. Biebs and The Wanted performed this season and were allegedly “snubbed” by Ms. Aguilera.  She just could have been a little nicer, a little humbler.

Another issue: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE WEARING? WHY WON’T SHE JUST WEAR SOMETHING NORMAL WITH NORMAL HAIR AND NORMAL MAKE-UP?  Why? …. Oh, Christina…

One of many crimes. What is this atrocity?

This actually doesn’t look that bad… but still.

Choose one crazy accessory. Also, wear pants more often. Please!

Suddenly, it seemed like she had fired her crazed stylist, hair and make-up team, and actually just brushed her hair and put on a nice dress. I praised the heavens. It didn’t last.

My point is that I want to like Christina Aguilera.  She is so amazingly talented.  Why can’t she just be nicer?

I’ve got 99 problems, and her attitude is #1.

2011 in Review: Dumbest Moments in Pop Culture

Honorable Mentions:  Casey Anthony.  Arnold Schwarzenegger has illegitimate child with his maid; kid dresses up as the Terminator for Halloween.  Ke$ha.

5. The Royal Wedding.  

While we’ve posted on the royal wedding before, we’re still amazed at how long this cloud of bullshit lingered (and continues to linger/respawn). First it was about the princess-to-be and the wedding itself.  Then it was about the hats. Then it was about her hot sister with the weird name (oh, right, “Pippa.”).  Then it was about her alleged and highly anticipated pregnancy.  Why everyone felt it so necessary to freak out about this, we’ll never know.

4. Kim Kardashian gets married… for 72 days.  Kim married basketball player Kris Humphries, and divorced him less than three months later.  Cue media firestorm: it was fake!  They did it for the money!  All of it is a sham!  Do you people not realize Kim Kardashian’s entire life is a scam to get your money?  Why did you think her marriage to this douche would be any different?  C’mon!  On a side note, I think the height-difference alone doomed them.  I mean, that would really, really complicate things… like dancing.

3. Justin Bieber’s baby mama drama.  Everyone’s favorite manboy singer was accused of having sex with some random nineteen year old girl in a bathroom at one of his concerts, resulting in her getting preggers.  We already posted about this, largely because this girl was claiming she banged a minor… for more entertainment!  Not only was it impossible to Google “Justin Bieber Baby” to get any information about this ridiculous story (given the title of his single), it was just stupid.  There’s so much wrong here.  First off, if you’re nineteen and you are at a Justin Bieber concert, you should be ashamed of yourself.  Secondly, I’m sure this kid has a little more class than to have sex with you in a bathroom stall.  I mean, he’s Bieber, he gets whatever he wants.  He would probably make love to you on a bed of candy or something equally juvenile.  Three, maybe you shouldn’t text people and reveal that you’re full of shit when you’re trying to scam a celebrity out of child support for the next eighteen years.  On top of that, maybe Biebs should have listened up on his Kanye West before hitting the bigtime: “eighteen years, she got one of yo’ kids got you for eighteen years.”  Just sayin.  However, the tweets about this stuff were, admittedly, HILARIOUS.  Nothing better than twelve year olds freakin’ out and calling some teenager a dirty, lying whore (which she was).

2. Charlie Sheen goes overboard on blow, “Winning!” If somebody didn’t realize Charlie Sheen was a little bit “off” before his coke addiction hit the fan this year, then you must’ve been living under a rock. The way news media latched on to this bombshell of a story, though, only happens once in a blue moon. Sheen is no idiot–he used his meltdown to his advantage, and is possibly one of the only celebrities I’ve ever heard of making money off of their sheer insanity caused by drug abuse. Charlie, you are, truly, a rock star from Mars.

1. Rebecca Black gives the world “Friday.” I don’t know what was more amazing: how totally, absolutely, and truly BAD this song was, the hysterical memes that resulted from it, or people’s unchecked rage toward Rebecca Black herself. This goofy YouTube video took on a life of its own and even created a template for a Kohl’s Black Friday ad this year. While the song was awful, you have to be impressed with a piece of music that causes such a guttural reaction among the public and is collectively condemned as the worst song of all time. Just think, Jefferson Starship had to work almost thirty years to get “We Built This City” declared as the worst song of all time. It took Rebecca Black about two weeks. Bravo.

We hope you’ll remember 2011 like we will:

Oh, Santa!

More terrible Christmas commercials. This time it’s Kay Jewelers and the woman who wants to bang-a-gong-get-it-on with “Santa.”

Really? This is as bad as that stupid “Santa Baby” song. No. No one wants to bang Santa, or anyone in a Santa suit. The Santa suit is a big red sign that says DON’T HAVE SEX WITH ME.

Look what Viagra has done. Yes, I blame you, boner pills. Otherwise there would be no way a 300 year old man who flies around in a sleigh with magical reindeer could get it up. Really.

Do you take your coffee with incest or sugar?

A few weeks ago, I was sitting around watching TV with my boyfriend when the following ad flittered across our screen.

After it finished, we sat looking at each other, both of us sporting that priceless, “what the hell did I just witness?” look on our faces. “Was that… weird… or was it just me?” I asked. Boyfriend agreed, the commercial was “creepy.” It passed without much further thought, until it came up while he was at work recently. His coworkers thought the same commercial was “cute.” He adamantly disagreed. So, this morning, when we saw it yet again I started to wonder if maybe it was just us. Apparently not, however. According to a couple websites, the spot is a remake of a Folger’s ad from the 1980s where the little girl is actually pretty much a baby, not a quasi-teenager.

Other than age between the two girls, there are a few other notable differences (e.g. the focus on the coffee and not on the awkward bedroom eyes between adult siblings). In the new version, it seems that the parents break up what is an awkwardly too-loving moment between the siblings when they enter the kitchen, and then the commercial just ends.

But seriously, Folgers. I don’t know any siblings who engage with each other so… earnestly. Sure, a couple of sisters will hug, brothers might shake hands or do the man-hug, but all the brother-sister combos I know are more likely to be giving each other a little bit of shit (“You’ve been on safari in Africa and you’re still pale? What gives?”). Apparently you got this in the beginning, but you still glossed it in Christmas-cheer-incest (“I must have the wrong house….!”). She even has to identify her relationship to our West African traveler by yelling “SISTER!” and pointing at herself awkwardly so we get the point that their hug and subsequent googly eyes are sooooo not supposed to be between lovers. No sexual tension here, folks, keep movin’. -Cringe- Here’s a thought, Folgers: find some actors who can really act like siblings and aren’t waiting to bang each other as soon as they’re off-set. It shows. And it makes me never, ever want to drink your coffee again.

There’s Nothing Funny About Living With Dudes

The New Girl is a television show airing on FOX, starring the adorable and quirky Zooey Deschanel. The main premise of the show, aside from Deschanel’s epic break-up, is the cute-but-totally-weird-and-awkward girl lives with three dudes, and isn’t that hilarious?!? One girl living with a bunch of guys!! AHHAAAA!

I am going to fill you in, America, there is nothing cute or funny about being the one girl living with a bunch of dudes. Take it from someone who did it: Nothing about it is funny and everything about it sucks.

Five Reasons Not to Move in With Your Guy Friends

1. Everything smells like male body odor and Axe.

Dudes smell. There’s just no way around it. Whether it’s dirty socks lurking in the living room or strange smells wafting into your bedroom from the room across the hall, there’s always a smell of dude sweat when you live with guys. Also, now that we have been blessed with Axe (because Old Spice just wasn’t cutting it for awful pseudo-cologne anymore), every bathroom always smells like a strange combination of cinnamon and musk, causing any person with asthma who enters to immediately have a coughing fit. Awesome.

2. If you weren’t bargaining for a parade of whores, you should have.

Guys are focused on one thing when they go out: getting chicks to come home with them. Get ready for a parade of different girls who range in attractiveness from the super hot to the painfully ugly tramping around your house at all hours of the night and awkwardly sneaking by so they don’t have to introduce themselves (or be introduced) to you. They (perhaps rightfully) fear your womanly judgment. Also, you will oftentimes find they’ve used the only girly products in the bathroom after they’ve fucked your roommate and took a shower before they did their walk of shame. Thanks, ladies. Much obliged. Additionally, every friend you ever invite over will not only be treated as a house guest, but will often be invited to be one of your roomies’ bed guest as well, because you no longer have friends: you have potential sex partners for your roommates.

3. You will know every song from every video game and the plot to every bad action flick forward and backward.

Your living room is no longer a living room. It is now what is called a “man cave.” That means the staple decorations are empty beer cans, three week old potato chips hiding beneath the rug, dirty dishes, and the lurking stray sock I mentioned before. The TV will only show the following: sports of all kinds (even those as obscure and stupid as curling), first person shooters and sports video games (if you don’t know that first term, live with dudes and it will become VERY familiar), bad action movies or other manly movies, sci-fi series movies–think Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, and other crappy and generally unfunny TV (e.g. Workaholics). Forget ever watching Grey’s Anatomy or Teen Mom or Say Yes to the Dress or Ghost or any Lifetime movie.

4. Your kitchen will always be sticky, dirty, and smell like something died in it.

Dudes generally suck at cooking and/or know nothing about storing food. This results in a lot of food particles and rotting bananas around your kitchen. Between this, sticky beer/alcohol residue, beer cans, and Chinese take out and pizza boxes, it’s basically impossible to navigate, let alone cook in this room. So, that Coq Au Vin recipe you were going to make for your boyfriend for your anniversary? Yeah, forget about it–go out.

5. They don’t see you as a girlfriend/sex partner, and therefore you fit into the same category as their mother.

You have passed from being drooled over as the sex object or chased after as the girlfriend into the friend zone. You aren’t an accessible vagina, and therefore when you ask for something, it’s nagging. Now you’ve entered the mom zone. Once this happens, all bets are off. Get used to being expected to clean up after your dude roomies, retrieve forks from their bedrooms when they all disappear from the kitchen, pick up those dirty socks in the living room, clean the bathroom fixtures, and take care of all the things their mothers have been doing for them for the last twenty two years.

So instead of living with four dudes, you, in the matter of a few weeks, have suddenly birthed quadruplets. Congratulations on being a New Mom!

There Can Be Only One

I was super stoked when Mad Men, the acclaimed AMC television series, hit Netflix streaming. As such, I’ve had my nose buried in the boob tube for a while. The show definitely creates its own aesthetic, set of mannerisms, and speech delivery, and once you watch a few episodes, you’ll know it anywhere.

However, recently, I’ve seen advertisements for two other period dramas, Pan Am and The Playboy Club, showing this fall on network TV (ABC and NBC respectively). I’m used to seeing TV try and rip off other shows (see also Ridiculousness with Rob Dyrdek, showing soon on MTV–ripoff Tosh.0 much, execs over there?), at least in concept. Which seems to be more of what The Playboy Club does, but at times it, and most of the time what Pan Am seems to do is rip off the style of Mad Men–the mannerisms, the speed and style of line-delivery, etc. And that’s kind of annoying.

Don’t get me wrong, Mad Men is a great show. But it’s great because it’s not a desire to relive the early 1960s in NYC; rather it attempts to use the positive and the negative from the period within its realm to create drama without overlooking or promoting negative attributes of the period. So rather than relish in or gloss over the sexism and racism that were pervasive in the day in which the drama is being created, the show seems to lay them at its viewers’ feet, bare-boned and without apology. But it is this style of honesty that makes Mad Men worth watching, and what I don’t see in the sneak previews for the other two shows. That both worries and irks me.

Now that I’ve raised my concerns, here’s the rant: Hey, network TV, quit ripping off good shows and other people’s good ideas. Maybe fire your creative departments and start over because it’s been obvious for years you can’t find much of anything that works, let alone is unique, innovative, and good. Maybe instead of hiring a bunch of people with business degrees and actuarial mathematicians who calculate the time it will take for America to become totally fed up with the crap you’re putting over the airwaves, you should instead hire someone who actually cares about the work they produce instead of the money it will make them. Because if all you’re focused on is dollar bills or what your viewer stats are, you’re never going to produce anything good. And you’re going to keep making me pay for cable. Thanks a lot.

Awkward Tattoos and Other Ways to Kill Your Relationship

Relationships end for lots of reasons: irreconcilable differences, cheating, growing apart, etc. However, tattooing your fiance’s fifth-grade mug on your ribs is a pretty good way to waive a red flag that screams “I’M CRAZY!”

While tooling around msnbc.com today, I ran across this story about Kat Von D’s (of TLC’s L.A. Ink) tattoo of her former fiance’s (Jesse James, the West Coast Choppers guy and Sandra Bullock’s ex) face. The corresponding video is worth a look, as it divulges what the text cannot.

Of all the stupid things…

I used to think it was questionable when someone got a lover’s name tattooed on their body.  But their face? As if women don’t have enough personal image and body issues, now this crazy woman decides she’s going to forever make her body remind her of this jerk-off. WHAT? Not to mention, dude was straight ugly as a ten year old. Jeez.

Additionally, is it just me or is Von D particularly obnoxious? She reminds me of a small animal or child that’s been force fed a bottle (or two) of Five Hour Energy–or crack. Her personality–and, admittedly, I judge from the short clip posted on MSNBC–is all over the place. My brain hurts from trying to explain how a bleach-blonde valley girl found her way into the body of a heavy metal rock chick. Please, for the love of god, ENUNCIATE. Not that James is any winner, either. Dude looks like a deer in the headlights. “‘Whoa, she’s really doing this for me'” is how Von D describes his thought process, but it looks more like “Whoa, this chick really isn’t doing it for me anymore” from his expression.

Moral of the story? Don’t tat your dude’s (or lady’s) face on your body. At least not if there’s any chance you might one day call it quits. Who wants to be looking at that ugly mug for the rest of your life? It only is going to invoke negative feelings that will then be transferred to your own body. Not cool! Not to mention, you never know how your newfound dedication to your partner’s image will leave them feeling. In this case, it’s obviously a little too much for Mr. James.

Although if I was in a relationship with what amounted to a scatterbrained, hyperactive, overly-devoted Etch-a-Sketch, I might blow that popsicle stand, too.

 

 

 

More on tats you probably shouldn’t get.