10 Weird Things I Learned On Vacation

  1. Ohio State fans are everywhere, and they keep strengthening my stereotypes.  The ones I saw were loud, made annoying parenting decisions, let kids swim during the adult swim hour, and were simply rude.
  2. Forest fires don’t scare enough people.  No fear.
  3. Don’t scream when you see a spider… At least not while the driver is merging into four lanes of traffic.  He will smite you.
  4. The art of secret farting is lost on some people.
  5. Don’t buy a salad in the U.P.  Don’t even try.
  6. The driver controls the radio.  Give up on those CDs you brought because it’s so not happening.
  7. Freighters are gigantic and terrifying.  So are people from Ohio.  (Not really, but it’s funny.)
  8. Rocks are still the most interesting part of my day.
  9. Bears are terrifying – even when they’re stuffed and in a glass box.
  10. Children are terrifying – especially if they enter your hot tub.  Game over.

10 Reasons You’re Being a Driving-Douche

Don’t be a douchebag when you’re driving.

  1. Use your turn signal.  It’s not that hard, you asswipe.  Otherwise, you are a mystery to me.  Also, if you are choosing not to use your turn signal, don’t be offended when I assume you’re going straight.  That’s what would make sense…
  2. Don’t fucking text.  JUST DON’T.  You’ll die.  I’ll die.  We’ll all die.
  3. Unless you’re Sting, no sunglasses at night.
  4. If it snowed, you have to clean off your car – that means cleaning ALL THE WINDOWS.  None of this patchy, half-assed, tiny holes of light business, please.  Seriously, you have to be able to see while you drive.  The back window is supposed to be see-through.  Being late is better than dying.  A lot better.  Clean the whole car.  You have two more minutes, I promise.  
  5. Yellow lights require stopping when possible.  Please remember this.
  6. Right of way is not negotiable, even if you’re late.  Suck it up, and wait your turn.  By the way, when you’re merging, you don’t have right of way.  Sorry.
  7. When precipitation comes down, so should your speed.  No one is unbreakable, that was a movie.  Just slow down, you prick.
  8. If it’s not raining, snowing, sleeting, etc., maybe you could go the speed limit, or at least let others pass you.  You can chug away at your slow pace, but don’t hold up all of traffic because you’re uncomfortable with the speed normal humans like.
  9. If you miss your turn, you must keep driving, and safely turn at the next available street/road/driveway, and you cannot simply slam on your brakes, then cut across every lane of traffic.  Again, safety first, asshole.  Being late = being alive = winner.
  10. Turn your lights on whenever… You know what, just keep them on; it’s easier that way.

Take home point: stop being a driving-douche.  Pay attention.  Follow the rules.  Try not to kill or be killed.

Deal?

Dumb Things I’ve Seen on the Bus Reprise

I’ve seen and heard a lot of dumb things on the bus. I don’t know what it is about being among strangers on a moving vehicle that makes people want to act inappropriately, but there’s definitely something going on.

Today, I saw a woman CLIPPING HER FINGERNAILS on the bus. Yes. You know, what you usually do over the trash can. Or a toilet. ALONE.

Image Courtesy of TrainPigs.Wordpress.Com

I even get grossed out when my boyfriend clips his nails in front of me. There’s something about clipped nails that is nasty (and I hear they’re one of the most germ-friendly places on your body, too, by the way) and it is definitely not something I’d do in front of anyone, let alone on a bus full of strangers. Not only is it super gross to hear your fingernails snapping off but I really don’t want to be the person who sits down after you in a pile of “debris.”

For anyone who has the urge to cut their fingernails in public, consider this a friendly piece of advice: DO IT AT HOME. IN YOUR BATHROOM. ALONE.

 

For more on gross public transportation behavior, visit Train Pigs.

10 Things We Hate About Moving (Well, 12…)

1. All these fucking boxes!  They all look the same.
2. No one stops sweating, ever.  If you are moving, you are sweaty.  You smell like sweat.  You are a sweaty, smelly mess. Blech…
3. Everyone is mad.  Your mom is annoyed.  Your boyfriend is pissy.  You’re mad.  Everyone is stressed.  And arguing.  It’s like you lose control of your actual emotions, and get lost in new emotions that are covered and soaked in sweat.  In fact, sweating has become an emotion.
4. No matter what, you will lose something valuable and break something sentimental.  And then you will cry.
5. You find far too many spiders in far too many places making far too many webs on far too many things you own.
6. Even when you find people to buy your furniture, they will be assholes.  For example, the woman who was 30 minutes late, then toured the apartment to see what else we had, then demanded we charge half-price, then claimed to have only brought $6.00 with her.  Needless to say, we passed on the sale.
7. I hate that movies glorify moving with montages.  This is not a montage; “I’m Walking on Sunshine” is not the soundtrack to real life.  This just sucks.
8. You can’t drink to ease the pain because then you can’t drive or really be a reliable lifter of furniture.
9. How much are you charging for boxes?  Wait!  Why am I buying boxes?  I’m paying for cardboard?  What the hell is happening?  (cries)  It’s just a box.
10. You have to leave… :(
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11. (Bonus) Whenever you move you always feel like the filthiest person alive… so many dust bunnies…. everywhere.
12. (Bonus) Questions! If you have someone helping you move, chances are they are going to break your concentration every thirty seconds with a (sometimes completely stupid) question. But you don’t want to blow up at them because they are helping you after all. Rock and a hard place. :(

Southern Quirks

So, I’ve been in the great American southeast for the past ten days. On the threshold of returning to my lovely midwest, I would like to point out three weird things.

1. No one in Tennessee uses their blinker. No one. Indicators are your friends… especially when you’re trying to turn left over six lanes of traffic! Use them!

 

2. There is no cold water. Yeah. It’s so effing hot outside that cold water is a joke. You turn on the cold water faucet and think you messed up because all you get is water that feels like its been sitting in a small pool on blacktop for four hours. The only way I could get any real cold water was by melting ice.

 

3. Why isn’t your soda fizzy, great American South? I’ve had Diet Cokes from Tennessee to Louisiana and all of it sucks! It tastes weird and flat, like Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi after it sat for too many days in a hot car. What’s the deal?

 

I never thought I’d say it, but I think–weirdly enough–the midwest ain’t so bad after all.