WTF, ear cuffs?

This is an incredibly stupid product. I give you, reader, the “ear cuff.” What is up with this? It’s like a piercing, but it’s not. It’s just awkward and kinda ugly. Especially when it’s a skull next to the kind of earrings that suburban moms wear.

Why? Why not just pierce it like a normal person? There is nothing cool about this weirdness!

And if that wasn’t bad enough, how about an Avatar wannabe… blue and ear-cuffed:

THIS IS NOT PANDORA! DITCH THE EAR CUFF!

Ten Things I Hate About Starbucks

I would like to warn you that I have taken some liberties with the exact location of all of these occurances, but I hope you will forgive me. I’ve combined two coffee house experiences of my day into one.

 

1. Why is there a drink called “Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte?” THIS MAKES SO EFFING SENSE!!! Can you just stop with the alternate languages? The small is not tall, the medium is not grande, it’s fucking medium, and the venti is the only one that kind of makes sense but still–twenty? Twenty what? Twenty hairy old men in speedos on the corner? WHAT??

 

2. Yes, you see me. I’m alone. I am at a two person table. Yes. I am reading. NO, that’s not an invitation to come join me. Just, seriously, if you’re gonna do that at least ask Don’t just sit down! Maybe I’m not anti-social and was waiting for someone, you dick head!

 

3. If you skip my advice in #2, then at least do me a favor and don’t put your head down on the table after you’ve invaded my bubble and SLEEP. For the love of god. How rude ARE you? Just… really?

 

4. You’re way too excited about your drink. If the Starbucks baristas know you by name, and you go up to the counter to order “the usual,” you’re probably spending way too many dollars and empty calories on coffee-like drinks. Probably not something you need to be proud of. Additionally, if you’re this fucking happy on a Wednesday morning at 8:30, why are you even getting coffee you crazy morning person?!??

 

5. Stop with the phone. Really, I don’t want to listen to you make thirty phone calls while I’m trying to mind my own business and read. You are so distracting. Don’t you have a home? Or an office? Or better yet, a home office that you can make business calls from? Not a fucking cafe in a university student union?

 

6. Why, Barista, do you look at me like I have skinned a live goat in front of you when I order? I asked for a coffee and a salad at 2:30 in the afternoon. Is that a problem, or is the problem with your fugly face?

 

7. I overhear the dumbest shit in coffee shops. Seriously. Don’t believe me? How about this one: “Yeah I bought them at CVS, and they totally woke me up but they don’t have caffeine in them.” “How do you know?” “Well, like it wasn’t on the ingredients list…” Or try: “Oh my god, yeah, like, the Old Testament is bullshit. I mean the only people who believe that are Catholics and Jew people [I did not make this up. Not “jews” but “jew people.”] think that that shit actually happened. I mean not all of them do but then they aren’t really Catholics and Jews.” (No, moron, Catholics don’t read the Bible literally. And many sects of Judaism don’t, either. Before you go bashing people’s faith, maybe you should actually understand the tenets of their belief system.) This was followed later by a conversation about piercings and how sometimes they smell bad, like “rotting flesh.” WHAT THE FUCK, I AM TRYING TO EAT AT THE TABLE NEXT TO YOU. SHUT UP!!!!

 

8. No, I’m not going to tell you my name. Don’t write it on the cup. I don’t need to be named, I just need you to call out my drink. I’m smart enough to realize that if I just ordered and there’s three people waiting in line to pick up drinks, the next drink up probably isn’t mine. C’mon.

 

9. Why do all of your baked goods cost like $7? I hope you make everything with the finest, freshest ingredients known to man. At least, I hope your muffins taste better than your shitty house blend.

 

10. Number ten isn’t really a reason to hate Starbucks. I just really want to know, who’s the chick on the logo? And what’s wrong with her arms?

If you actually are interested in the logo, this website gives a pretty good explanation of how it got to be what it is.

A Friendly Guide To Leggings… Because It’s Obvious You Need One

When I was about four or five, there were leggings. It was 1992 and they had the strap that hooked under your foot to keep them stretched. I hated them because I had overly sensitive feet and didn’t like the strap. We called them “stirrup pants.”

Eighteen years later, we apparently needed to go back to the awful stirrup pants we wore as children when we were cute, small, and it didn’t matter if our underwear and/or diaper showed through our pants. But, let’s face it. We’re adults now and this is no longer acceptable. It’s really not okay for you to be showing off your panties. I don’t care if they have the word “PINK” plastered across your ass. I just don’t want to see it.

There are right and wrong ways to wear leggings. Going to work at the office? Yeah, choose something else to wear. Skin tight cotton “pants” don’t really work here. Work at a dance studio? Perfect! Throw on those leggings. Leggings can also be okay if you’re pairing them with a long sweater or something that doesn’t showcase your rear. The image below, for example, demonstrates an appropriate way of wearing everybody’s favorite un-pants.

As you can see, the long sweater prevents any unnecessary ass-showcasing and saves me from having to read your underwear.

So, let’s get this straight: Good Leggings don’t showcase your butt in weird ways, aren’t translucent, politely conceal your underwear, and don’t look trashy/lazy/frumpy. Got it? Great.

Problem is, I don’t trust you. I know you’re going to go out there and buy an awful pair of leggings, and I’m going to hold myself partially responsible. So, I’m providing you with a simple, easy-to-use guide of What Leggings Not To Wear. Observe:

Pleather/leather leggings are a resounding NO.

Whatever these are… also a no. And put a freakin’ shirt on, lady.

Ripped leggings… Are you homeless? Do you pull your clothes out of the dumpster behind Goodwill? Then stop dressing like you do.

When pleather wasn’t bad enough, they gave us metallic leggings. Unless you’re the bastard leprechaun from Notre Dame, don’t wear these.

AKJSHDKLAJSHFKJASD?!/??!??!?!?! IF YOU ARE PREGNANT, YOU DON’T NEED TO WEAR LEGGINGS. NO!

Hopefully by now you have the tools and know-how to determine for yourself which styles of leggings are appropriate and which are not. So do us all a favor and lay off the bad un-pants.

Pick Your Punctuation: one is enough!


.

?

!

These are the three acceptable ways to end a sentence.

!!!

???

Only one of these is acceptable. (Can you guess which?) If you’re going to ask a question or exclaim something, only one of the corresponding marks is really necessary. Three might be, sometimes, maybe acceptable. Such as for a drunken text, or if you just won the lottery (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Or if you’re referring to the band known as “!!!”

Mixing punctuation marks is a no, no matter what your situation. .! or !. is not acceptable. Are you exclaiming or stating? I’m confused. I think you’re confused, so maybe you should decide and then PICK ONE. Additionally, although it is feasible to both exclaim and state simultaneously (yet without double punctuation), asking a question and making a statement at once is a paradox. Therefore, these

?. / .?

MAKE NO SENSE! And these

.! /!.

ARE EQUALLY STUPID.

 

So do us all a favor and pick your punctuation like you pick a fine wine. Be decisive and selective, because right now, you only get one.

Beer Pong and Botox, or Why It’s Okay to Age

There’s always been those people who deny the fact that they’re getting older. Whether that meant patting their wrinkly, old faces with lead-based powder in the 1700’s (and ironically making their appearance go downhill faster–lead does *wonders* for your skin) or injecting botox and getting face lifts and tummy tucks at the dawn of the 21st century, there have always been those who fear aging. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t really understand the insatiable desire to stay 18 forever (or 20, or 25, or what-have-you). Sure, everyone wants to be “young and beautiful,” and often what is called beauty is really just youth, but I don’t think I would inject my face with botulism or let someone stretch my skin tighter over my skull in order to make people think I’m younger (and/or made of plastic).

What is it about age, other than pure vanity, that scares everyone so much? We value the wisdom and experience we gain as we age, but it seems to be those pesky wrinkles and grey hairs that throw us for a loop. But really, it’s just aesthetics. You are more than how you look, and the sooner we all realize that, the better off we’ll be. All I’m saying is that cutting/poking/prodding/and spending, spending, spending hasn’t gotten anyone very far when it comes to looking younger. However, we do have a lot more women walking around looking like life-size, discarded barbie dolls.

But maybe it’s more than just looks. Maybe everyone’s trying to get back to looking young because they want to go back to being young; perhaps it’s less about aesthetics than it is about a living memory of being 18, or 20, or 25, and being “carefree” and “innocent” and all the cliche terms associated with youth. But why don’t we value our later years? Is pursuing your career, having a family, finding a partner, travelling, learning, and living as an adult really that lamentable? Sure, getting blitzed on Tuesday nights and having no responsibilities and no job (for some of us) and getting with all the hotties (like I said, for some of us) can be great, but I wouldn’t want that to last forever. What about other interests? What about being productive (or reproductive for more eager folks)? What about establishing a life and relationships outside of party buddies?

I’m just saying, maybe we should stop looking at 18-22 or 16-22 or whatever combination/range of years as “the best time” of our lives. Why not assume the best is yet to come and relish in the moment? Find good in being 25, 35, 45, 55, 65, and 95, and all the ages in between. I mean, just think of it this way: if you stayed 18 forever, beer pong would still be the preeminent subject of conversation, along with awkward teenage sex jokes and petty high school arguments of who-did-what-to-whom-and-don’t-you-think-that’s-just-awful??!!.

Consider this a friendly PSA to stop living in the past and embrace your present.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Shirt Dresses

I both love and hate the shirt dress. On models, they always look fabulous.

Classic, just the right amount of casual. Nicely cinched at the waist. But when I go to try on shirt dresses, it never fails: they always make my body look bizarre. I blame this on being pear shaped/bottom heavy/not weighing 100 pounds and being 5’9″. But these damn pictures of skinny tiny models always wind up fooling me into picking the shirt dresses off the rack and trying them on, once again drawing myself into the standard dressing room trap of “god, everything looks awful on me” (when it’s really just that one piece).

I secretly envy women who can pull off the shirt dress, and perhaps that is what makes me so upset when I see someone wearing the shirt dress in the absolute WRONG way: too short and not cinched.

What makes a shirt dress a shirt dress and not just a shirt is its length and the cinched waist to give it shape. If you don’t have these, you wind up looking like you forgot your pants and/or had a little bit too much fun last night and wound up losing your clothes and borrowed his shirt instead (believe me, I’ve seen this walk of shame done before–it ain’t pretty). Or, alternatively, that you belong in an American Apparel ad (which, I confess, is where I nabbed this photo from).

For the love of all that is sacred and for all of us who look ridiculous wearing these things, wear them right! Rock it, own it, and don’t look like you absent-mindedly skipped wearing pants.

Being a Pedestrian 101

I learned a lot in college. But one of the most important lessons I learned wasn’t in the classroom or at a frat party. It was on the sidewalks.

The campus on which I lived for the last four years was dominated by pedestrian foot traffic with a good chunk of bicyclers. I was aghast to find, as a freshman, that people lacked basic pedestrian politeness, so I’d like to share with you some tips on how not to be a jerkoff on the sidewalk.

1. Don’t Tailgate Me.

Just like when you’re driving a car too close to my back bumper, I get mad when you’re walking on my heels. I’m not going to start jogging because you think I walk too slow. Feel free to walk past me, but I’m not jumping off the sidewalk and into a mound of snow for you, buddy. Deal with it.

2. Don’t Text and Walk at the Same Time.

This could likely have its own posting, but here’s the heads up: don’t do it. You can’t see where you’re going so you oftentimes nearly crash right into me. Additionally, when I’m walking behind you, you’re going at a snail’s pace. Just make a phone call. It takes virtually the same amount of time, if not less, and requires about half the attention. (This means you’ll be able to walk and talk at the same time… I hope.)

Also, it’s worth adding, don’t iPad and walk. Yes, reader, don’t iPad and walk. Today I walked in the vicinity of a girl who was walking home while on her iPad blasting music for eight blocks. It was the most astounding, obnoxious, mind-bending sight I have ever had on my walk home. Not only did she appear drunk (she walked directly into a parked bicycle at one point), but it was so annoying to have to listen to her bad music and pass and re-pass her as she changed pace all the time. Bah!

3. Don’t Walk Three or Four Abreast.

My city has nice sidewalks, for the most part. A lot of them are pretty wide and accommodate a lot of people at once. But, listen. And I mean, really, please listen because I’m tired of knocking shoulders with your dumb ass: If I’m walking alone, and you’re walking with two or three of your buddies, it’s polite to move out of the way so I don’t have to jump into the snow/mud/into someone’s front yard to save myself from getting bulldozed by you. I stopped being polite and doing all that, so now you’re going to get bulldozed by my shoulder when you don’t move your ass. Seriously. Nothing about walking annoys me more than this. So just stop being such a jerk.

4. Don’t Sneak Up Behind Me, Bike!

“Excuse me” are two simple words that work a lot better than letting your bike click so I’ll know you’re there. You can even warn me, “Coming up on your right!” I would totally appreciate it, and make way for you. But remaining silent helps no one, so give me a heads up when you’re behind me so we can share the road. Sound good? Good.

5. Don’t Assume I Love Your Pet Furball

This last one seems pretty straightforward. If you’re out walking your dog, keep it in check. I generally am pretty happy to come across dogs while I’m walking, but when the owner allows the dog to cross into my path sniffing and forcing me to make an awkward dodge around a leash/slobber/an exciting hump session, I get mildly annoyed. Just keep your dog doin’ it’s doggy thing not in the path of every oncoming pedestrian. Additionally, don’t get mad when I give you the stink eye after you just left a steaming pile of dog shit on the sidewalk. You deserve every moment of that stink eye and more! You make me sick.

How you act as a pedestrian matters! The sidewalk is a public space. Remember that because of this, you share it.

Making Out: The Rules and Regulations

Making out is awesome.  People everywhere agree that it totally rules.  Therefore, when you get the chance to make out with someone who you find attractive, you should do it well and make it count.  No one deserves a bad make out session.  At least I don’t, and that’s why I feel I need to share this.

When you’re making out, you are not competing for more control.  You are also not competing to see who can put their tongue in the other person’s mouth for longer.  There are no awards for the person whose lips completely envelope the other person’s.  There are no awards.

The only rewards in kissing come from the partner-to-partner relationship.  If the other person is especially pleased with your work, they might want to see you again, kiss you more, or even take things to a new level.  If you kiss badly, the other person will be repulsed in every way and they will try to escape immediately.

Here are some kissing tips, straight from my friends, the internet, discotechques, college classes, and everyone else:

1. All kisses should start slow, closed-mouth and simple.  Don’t start with the tongue.  Never lean into a kiss tongue-out.  That’s gross.

*On a side note, this is how my first kiss happened.  The boy leaned in with his tongue out, and I cringed with my mouth closed, and our kiss was basically him pressing his tongue to my tightly shut lips.

2. As you move along to french kisses, do it without attacking.  Be normal.  Use it with careful precision.  You are not eating a soft-serve ice cream cone, you are making out with someone.

3. Use a little pressure; don’t use a ton, but don’t just flop about.

4. If you have a tiny tongue, hide it.  Nobody likes a tiny tongue.

5. Okay, so you’ve seen lip-sucking in movies.  This is for pros.  Don’t just suck someone’s lip; it’s more complicated than that.  You’re allowed to suck a little on a single lip – a little.  It’s meant to be sensual.  Don’t confuse yourself with a Dyson; you don’t get extra points for superior pick-up.

6. Pay attention to your partner.

7. Never lick the face unless you have permission.  Gross.

8. If you try to kiss someone and they “cheek” you (turn to the side so you can only kiss their cheek), don’t try again.

9. Kissing is not a contract.  If you really have to talk someone into it, then they’re not ready and you should stop.

10. If you’re drunk and making out… Well, who knows what’s going on, so whatever.

11. Necks are up for kissing.

12. However, hickeys are ridiculous.  Don’t give hickeys, you jerk.

13. Everyone kisses and tells.  Get over it.

14. If you are in a lake, ocean, river, pool, etc. and the moon is shining, you should probably find someone to make out with soon.

15. Just slow down.  You don’t have to kiss someone with 10 minutes of meeting them.  You don’t have to kiss on a first date.  You’ve got some time; enjoy it.

16. Don’t make out in front of other people, especially children and old folks.

17. Don’t kiss the hand of your waitress.

*This happened to me when I was a waitress; it was awful.  He kissed my hand like four times.

18. If you’re a girl and you’re drunk, don’t kiss another girl for attention from dudes.  It’s trashy and it will only attract trashy dudes.  Making out with girls should be left to straight guys and lesbians.

19. Don’t slobber.  You’re not a dog.  You’re a human.  Remember that.

20. Brush your teeth and use mouthwash.  Dental hygiene is essential for a successful make out.

*However, if you’re drunk, all bets are off.

21. Make out more.  Boom.  It’s awesome.

Sexting 101

Recently, I’ve received a lot of “sexts,” or sexy text messages, and I have to say: “Ew.”  Why are men sending me promises of pleasure and mental images of things I don’t need or want to imagine.  It got me thinking about when sexting is okay, and when it’s clearly not.  I feel like sending one of these assumes the other person is up for it (literally or not), and if that person isn’t, they’re going to be super creeped out.  For example, me.  I am creeped out by sext-messages.  On one hand, it’s good to know ahead of time that someone is going to attempt to chase after my lady lumps.  On the other hand, maybe dudes shouldn’t assume I feel like sending tedious text messages back and forth like it’s some sort of foreplay.  First of all, if I want to sleep with you, I will.  If I don’t want to sleep with you, a text message that promises a night of non-stop tickets to pleasuretown isn’t gonna change a thing.  Seriously, it’s not going to make me want you.  It will, however, get a blog post written about you and forever be standard part of my stand-up routine.

Since I’ve already written an obviously amazing user’s guide to Friends With Benefits, or Les Amies Sexuelles, I feel that I need to give the world another user’s guide.  Here you go, world.  Enjoy.

Sexting 101: A User’s Guide to Sexting

Before we begin discussing rules, let’s review a few situations of sexting and how they went right or wrong.

Situation #1:

We’ll call him Wesley (because it is an awesome name).  He met a nice young lady named Wendy (because I like alliteration) and they really hit it off.  They decided to go out on a date, which is unusual because they are in their 20s, and most people in that age group are more prone to “hang out” instead of “date.”  Anyways, the two went on their very nice date, which ended with some saucy making out and some innocent squeezing/grabbing/petting.  After they parted for the evening, Wesley set up their next date via text.  He described a beautiful dinner with high-quality wine and Wendy swooned.  She thought, “How did I get so lucky?  I finally met a nice guy!”  Wendy responded by saying, “Dinner sounds lovely.  Would you like to do anything after?”  This is where Wesley went wrong.  He responded, “Well, I’m planning on having a light dinner to save room for dessert.”  Wendy got nervous and didn’t immediately respond.  Wesley took the initiative and proceeded to explain exactly what he planned on eating and how he planned on eating it.  Wendy was horrified, she laughed, she nervously shivered, she swore, and promptly cancelled their date.

Why is this wrong? 

It’s wrong because Wesley had taken Wendy on only one date and they had established any kind of sexual relationship or sexual language at this point.  Sure, the girl kissed him on the first date, but she was clearly leaving some things to the imagination.  Ah, yes, the imagination.  It seems Wesley let his get the best of him.  He went too lewd too fast.  Wendy might have been up for some veiled innuendos to what dessert might be; she might have been quite interested in hearing about the vague plans he had for her.  Yet, as soon as he got specific about the lady-parts he had not yet seen or touched, she felt uncomfortable and a little grossed out.

Rule #1: Know your audience.

 

Situation #2:

Whitney and Bobby (no, not that Whitney and Bobby) really wanted to bone, but couldn’t due to some mental issues Bobby was having at the time.  These “mental issues” or “nerves” as they’re often called by doctors, made it impossible for Bobby to “stand tall.”  Eventually the stress of ED tore their relationship apart and they broke-up.  Ever since then, Bobby calls and texts Whitney to profess his love and desire for her – when drunk.  When Bobby sobers up, he claims he has no feelings for her.  (We call this a cycle, or as doctors would say, bullshit.)  Late one evening, Bobby was innocently texting Whitney to see if she was out on the town, as he was.  Since it was a Tuesday, and Whitney has a job, she explained that she was actually home and about to hit the hay.  Then, it got weird.  He explained that he would like to get into that bed with her and that he would like to make her Tuesday nice and “exciting.”  She tried to decline, but he insisted that he would be rubbing and bumping things all night.  She, again, declined.  He still persisted until she started swearing and texting in all caps.  It did not end well.

Why is this wrong?

He couldn’t take a hint.  Also, he pretended to have some kind of sexual prowess, which their previous relationship proved very, very false.  If he couldn’t do the thing before, why would he be able to do it now?

Rule #2: If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not gonna, so stop. 

 

Situation #3:

Example Conversation…

Don: You busy tonight?

Donna: I could find some time… depends on what you’re offering…

Don: I would make it worth your while.

Donna: Oh, really?  How so?

Don: I’m gonna bleep bleep your bleep so bleepy bleep you’ll bleep all night.

Donna: Oh yeah, baby.  I wanna bleep your bleep so bleepy too.

Don: I’ll be there in 10.

Donna: Perfect.

Why this is right?

They’re both participating.  They clearly know each other well enough and have probably established their sexual relationship beyond confusion.  This means, they both know what’s going on.  It’s cool.

Rule #3: Meet your partner’s intensity level.  Do not assume they agree with you.

We’ll alert you when Sexting 102 comes out.