Bitch’s Guide to New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve can be bad or great, but it’s probably going to be bad.  If you are a bitch, or you like bitches, or you think bitches are funny… here are some tips.  Enjoy!

1.  Shoes.  Wear shoes that you feel comfortable in all night.  You have to spend all of the hours up to midnight and beyond in shoes.  People will be drunk and there will be broken glass.  You cannot walk around barefoot.  You cannot walk home barefoot.  You must wear your shoes.  Don’t be “that girl” who spends the whole night whining about her friggin’ feet.  Don’t be the girl who can’t walk in her shoes.  You know the one.  The one who scuttles from place to place and must perch wherever she lands.  The one cannot actually walk without tripping.  The one who topples into the bathroom to re-apply her lipgloss.  Don’t be that girl.

2.  Booze.  Remember, you will be drinking for a long time on this Eve of the New Year.  Your body will be exposed to so much.  You should invest in mid-level liquor – at least.

3.  Shots, specifically.  Keep count.  Even if it means you have to take a sharpie to your arm (a mark for each drink), you must track your drinking.  You are in for a long night, so you gotta have a plan.

4.  Food.  Bitch, you gotta eat!  If you eat nothing, you will pass out.

5.  Cleavage.  This really depends on what kind of bitch you are.  It’s New Year’s Eve, so go nuts.  Show off your boobies.  Get slutty.  Do whatever.  As a really bitchy bitch, I really don’t care what other bitches are wearing on New Year’s Eve.  It’s like Halloween… Free pass.

SO MUCH CLEAVAGE.

6.  Dates.  If you bring a date to a New Year’s Eve party, make sure he/she isn’t a dumbass, can hold his/her liquor, and that your date can dance.  There will be WOO-WOOs.  Make sure they are ready.  Don’t be the girl with a lame-ass date.  Go solo if it comes to that.

7.  Boyfriends.  If you bring your boyfriend or girlfriend, they SHALL NOT GET SHITTY.  They shall bring mints and make out with you at midnight.  They shall bring you drinks.  They shall dance appropriately.  THE BOYFRIENDS SHALL BE FUN.

8.  Dancing.  Please do as little grinding as possible.  Please whip your hair.  Please shake it good.  Please do some work out there.  Sweat it up.  Do yo’ thang.

9.  Tampons.  Someone will need a tampon – it might be you.  Just bring a damn tampon.  You’ll be someone’s hero and it will feel great.  Good for you.

10.  Bi-Curiousness.  You gotta kiss somebody at midnight.  I’m not here to judge that part of you.

11.  Hats.  Party hats are fucking annoying.  Do not make anyone wear one.  If you want to wear one, that’s great… It tells the rest of us that you’re a dumb ass.  Seriously, suck it.  Hats are sucky.

12.  Driving.  You will be drinking.  Just get a cab.  Your only other option is to crash where you are.  The likelihood of someone staying sober enough to be the DD later on is low.

13.  Glitter.  A little glitter goes a long way.  If you’ve got a sparkly dress, maybe cool it on the bling and the white/silver eyeshadow.  Be sparkly, but don’t try to imitate the NYE Times Square ball.  You don’t need 10,000 blinking lights to be beautiful.  Also, if you do happen to over-glitter, it will get on EVERYONE.  I don’t want to wear your damn glitter, so stay the hell away, Ke$ha!

14.  Underpants.  Just wear them.  Underpants are always, always worth a panty-line.  Don’t be the girl without underpants on.  We don’t want to see your hoo-ha.  Anyone interested in your hoo-ha will happily wait to see it.  Seriously, I don’t want to see a single baby-factory on the dance floor or getting out of a cab.  We all have underwear.  Wear yours.

15.  The Midnight Kiss.  Just go for it, bitches.

The Disappearing Daters, Part 1

The Fade-Away Boyfriend

This is the guy you date for a while, maybe as many as seven or eight dates that all seem normal, even good.  Then, suddenly, the dude stops calling, texting, responding, and a few days later, you realize you’re no longer dating.  He never tells you.  He never says a word about it.  He just disappears.

Occasionally, one of these disappeared-dudes will suddenly reappear.  This is usually after you have accepted the communication silence as a sign that you are no longer dating; thus, it will probably enrage you.  You’ll be all like: “What the hell, dude?  You haven’t talked to me in a month!”  Then, he’ll be all like: “So, wanna go to a play tomorrow?”  Then, you’ll be all like: “No. You haven’t talked to me in a month.” And then he’ll re-disappear.  Everyone will walk away a little confused.

Perhaps we can all agree that relationships expire after 10 days of no contact?

The Missed-Text Fictioner

You text on Tuesday morning.  You receive this text on Wednesday night: “Oh, I didn’t see your text until just now.”

Right, because you don’t carry your phone in your pocket… on which you didn’t update your facebook status… using which you sent no emails.  Right…

Maybe you just don’t want to talk to me?  Just be upfront, weirdo.

This is an amazing meme.

The “I-Lost-My-Phone”-Liar

No you didn’t.

Lots of people claim to have lost phones, which results in losing numbers, not responding, and apparently losing all access to all forms of communication.  In this day and age, that is just not the case.  There are so many computers available, and so many ways to communicate.  If you really wanted to talk to me, you would be talking to me.

If you find yourself dating someone who intermittently loses their phone, or doesn’t see your messages, or forgets to call you, give up on them.  They are in the process of disappearing, and you should get out before you start to care a lot.  You are playing a dangerous game.

The “He-Didn’t-Wow-Me”-Ladypants

Imagine you go on a date with some chick that your friends set up with for a lovely blind-date; it goes pretty well.  Now, imagine you ask that chick on another date, but you never hear back.  You try again.  No response.  Naturally, you ask your friend what the deal is.  Why isn’t this fine little honey calling you back?

Your friend investigates and finds out that the girl was altogether unimpressed with you because you were “clearly not trying to WOW her.”  She apparently was offended that you brought no flowers, no gifts, and that you allowed the date to be paid “dutch” after she asked to pay…  Um…  She did not bring you flowers.  She brought you no chocolates or gifts.  What the hell?

This crazy bizzo actually expected to receive gifts on a first date.  Let this one disappear.  Let her disappear hard.

Your-Name-Makes-Me-Run-Away

Ladies sometimes consider what last name they might take on – if they are straight, plan to marry, and have traditional views on name-changing (or perhaps a terrible last name that they wouldn’t mind losing).  This means that we must consider what a last name could do to us.  If I consider hyphenating my name (last name WHITE), I have to be careful.  If I marry someone whose last name is Powers, or Mann, or Ness, or Powder, or Snow… well, it would be bad.  Seeing as my first name is Patty, I also don’t want to take the last name Cakes, or Hamburg.  I feel it would be bad.

Some girls are so afraid of bad last names, they will break-up with someone upon learning it.  I know a dude who was dumped because the girl felt that if she ever were to take his name, it would ruin her life.  His last name is fine, but for a 6’1″, muscular, rugby-playing woman, his name was a deal-breaker.  She said that because people already thought she was a cross-dresser, she couldn’t handle a last name like his.  I will leave out his name, but give you some similar examples: Mann, Biggs, Hardeman, StrongMan, BigGuy, ManLady, etc.


10 More Reasons You’re a Terrible Driver

Driving around this weekend enraged me again, so I thought I would share a few additional awful examples of driving/humanity, and reiterate some of the more important points that no one seems to know.

*For the first 10 Reasons, please see our previous post, “10 Reasons You’re Being a Driving Douche.” 

  1. If it’s 8:57 AM, you’re not the only one running late for work.  We all are.  We have no sympathy for you.  Don’t be a douchebag when everyone else is just as late.  Very few people start work at 9:30, so get over yourself.  Settle it down, Howard Dean.  No one needs to get that hyped in the morning.
  2. Don’t assume that I’m controlling the car in front of me; are you controlling the car in front of you? (That’s me… and NO.)  Don’t get mad at me.  I can’t control them.  I would also like to go faster, but I don’t have a ray gun.  I also don’t have mind control powers.  So… back the hell off!
  3. Children in the car = worse driving?  If there are children with you, you should actually improve your driving, and make a real effort to not kill them.
  4. If you eat while you drive, prioritize.  By that, I mean that the driving part is more important.
  5. Maintain your vehicle.  If you don’t, we’ll all die.
  6. Remember that you are visible to other drivers, especially when stopped in traffic.  We can see you picking your nose, doing your make-up, fighting with your passengers, and/or yelling at your kids.  Maybe wait until you get home.
  7. Don’t do your make-up in the car.  STUPID HEAD.
  8. Running lights are NOT enough.  If it’s dark, turn on your big girl lights.  Why is this so hard?  Why? WHY?
  9. Use your turn signal, or I will crush you with my mind.  I know that I previously said I didn’t have mind control powers, or a way to de-materialize the car in front me, which is still mostly true.  It is only when I reach my highest level of anger possible that I can crush other people with my mind.  This is figurative, y’all.
  10. STOP TEXTING.

10 Reasons You’re Being a Driving-Douche

Don’t be a douchebag when you’re driving.

  1. Use your turn signal.  It’s not that hard, you asswipe.  Otherwise, you are a mystery to me.  Also, if you are choosing not to use your turn signal, don’t be offended when I assume you’re going straight.  That’s what would make sense…
  2. Don’t fucking text.  JUST DON’T.  You’ll die.  I’ll die.  We’ll all die.
  3. Unless you’re Sting, no sunglasses at night.
  4. If it snowed, you have to clean off your car – that means cleaning ALL THE WINDOWS.  None of this patchy, half-assed, tiny holes of light business, please.  Seriously, you have to be able to see while you drive.  The back window is supposed to be see-through.  Being late is better than dying.  A lot better.  Clean the whole car.  You have two more minutes, I promise.  
  5. Yellow lights require stopping when possible.  Please remember this.
  6. Right of way is not negotiable, even if you’re late.  Suck it up, and wait your turn.  By the way, when you’re merging, you don’t have right of way.  Sorry.
  7. When precipitation comes down, so should your speed.  No one is unbreakable, that was a movie.  Just slow down, you prick.
  8. If it’s not raining, snowing, sleeting, etc., maybe you could go the speed limit, or at least let others pass you.  You can chug away at your slow pace, but don’t hold up all of traffic because you’re uncomfortable with the speed normal humans like.
  9. If you miss your turn, you must keep driving, and safely turn at the next available street/road/driveway, and you cannot simply slam on your brakes, then cut across every lane of traffic.  Again, safety first, asshole.  Being late = being alive = winner.
  10. Turn your lights on whenever… You know what, just keep them on; it’s easier that way.

Take home point: stop being a driving-douche.  Pay attention.  Follow the rules.  Try not to kill or be killed.

Deal?

The Bathroom Is NOT a Phone Booth

In the middle of my hectic workday, the bathroom is often the only quiet place I can be.  Those two minutes of silence are something I’ve come to enjoy.  Though, truthfully, I just enjoy my privacy.  When I am in a restroom, I expect to feel a sense of privacy.  I expect literal privacy too.  Lately, the bathrooms I’ve ventured to use have been attacked by loud-mouthed, pseudo-private, unsanitary phone-talkers.  First of all, you are gross, bathroom-phone-talkers.  You are all gross.  I don’t care what you do in your own home, but in a place of work, how can a person feel okay about having a long, loud phone conversation whilst pooping and/or peeing?  Have you no shame?  What will the person with whom you’re speaking think of you?  Why aren’t you worried about what your co-workers think of you?

Second, I am concerned that there are so many people who don’t seem to take if dirty body particles end up on their phones, phones that then end up on their hands and faces.  Phones are already creepily dirty – I read somewhere that phones are often dirtier than toilet seats.  Why aren’t these people more worried about germs?

Finally, I also just don’t want to hear about the personal details of your life, day, children’s life, children’s day, the soccer game you saw, the woman you hate, the state of your health, your mother’s health, your husband’s boss’s new car, the party you went to, what you hate, what you ate, what you’re thinking about, or any of that.  Most of the sounds a person hears in a bathroom are private and a little uncomfortable, phone calls are included in that weirdness.  I don’t want to hear this crap (pun-intended).  If woman are so discreet that they won’t poop in a public restroom, why will they discuss their personal lives in public restrooms?

It’s weird.  Stop it.  Please.

20 Things I Wish I Could Ask on a First Date

I wish I could ask a lot of questions on first dates, rather than finding this information out later and when it’s far too late.  There are simply too many guessing games when you begin dating, and being able to interrogate each other would really help.  Perhaps online dating is better in the sense that you know certain things ahead of time…  That said, here are the 20 questions I most wish I could ask on first dates and get truthful answers:
  1. Do you live with your parents?  If yes, why?   If this person is over 24, they better have a real damn good reason for living with mama and papa.
  2. How many people have you slept with?  Were you careful or careless?  You gotta avoid the dirty ones.  Plus, the bigger the number, the lower the standards.  Why so many?  Why so few?  This question teaches you so much.
  3. Do you have any STDs/STIs?  DEAL BREAKER
  4. Are you pro-gay rights? And, does anything about the LGBT community make you uncomfortable?   I could not be more pro-gay.  I need someone who is comfortable with and supportive of all things LGBT.
  5. How much time do you actually spend playing video games/watching sports/”Intervention”/”Entourage”/some other obsession?  Know thy enemy.  In this case, you just want to know what you are competing with for their time.  If they regularly stay up all night to watch this or play that, you should get to know now.
  6. Are you an asshole/douchebag/shithead/dick/jerkface?  DEAL BREAKER
  7. Are you afraid of the outdoors, the country, nature and all things rural?  I’m a country girl.  I like camping.  I like hiking in the woods.  I like trees and hills and lakes and rivers.  City slickers beware.
  8. What’s really more important: sex or love?  Compare priorities prior.
  9. Do you enjoy dancing foolishly, or do you feel foolish dancing?  I am not afraid of looking like a weirdo, are you?
  10. Do you fight fair?  Ladies and gentlemen shouldn’t be dating people who go crazy by saying and doing awful things to their partners when they fight.  It is not cool to call each other hurtful names, to throw low-blows, to hit (whether wall or person), to break things, to intimidate, and to lie.  Settle down.  Everyone bickers.
  11. Do you love, hate, mock, or feel ashamed about “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” “Harry Potter,” “MST3K,” “Angel,” and other amazing, nerdy things?  Again, I am a nerd.  Deal with it.
  12. Would you kill a spider for me?  How scared are you?
  13. Do you make enough money to pay for dinner half the time?  If not, you need a new job.  I’m not looking for a rich person, but I do want to be able to expect that you’ll pay for at least half of our dates.  I’ll pay the other half, obviously.
  14. How often do you read books – not magazines, papers, or blogs?  I read a little of all, but a lot of the book things.  Compatibility is important, y’all.
  15. How often do you brush your teeth and floss?  My chompers are important, and so is your breath.
  16. Is your mom a bitch?   I ask this because it scares me when people think this about their mamas; unless of course, their mom is just especially awful, then they have a point.
  17. Do you have any children?  DEAL BREAKER
  18. Who is god to you?  I gotta watch out for the crazies!
  19. What are the main differences between men and women?  Watch out for sexist answers!
  20. How big is it?  …  No, not that; I meant your ego.

Crush that Crush: A User’s Guide

So, you have a crush.  Now what?  There are always many possibilities as the beginnings of a crush form and latch on to a given subject.  Some of these options are wonderful, involving sex, love and cuddling; some of these options are more on the terrible side, including pining, wishing, praying, crying, drinking, more crying, and stalker-like activities.

Basically, once you have a crush, you can either do nothing, or do something.  Your first choice (do nothing) will leave you lonely and pining away after an unattainable fantasy until someone new fills that fantasy-void.  Your second option (do something), while riskier, gives you the possibility of actually realizing this fantasy by possibly dating, kissing, talking to, sleeping with and loving that special someone.  If you choose to do nothing, I can’t help you.  If you want to do something, continue reading.

  1. Makes eyes at your crush (look at them in a sexy/alluring way) to tell them that you’re interested.
  2. Talk to them.  Talk to them like a normal person.  You do not need to discuss ex-lovers, your tedious work schedule, or your sexual abnormalities.  Just talk to them about what you like and what you do.  Ask them about what they like and what they do too.
  3. Make sure your sexual orientations are compatible.  Example: If you’re a girl, and she’s a girl, make sure you both like girls.
  4. Read them.  Watch for micro-expressions, body language and eye contact.  If they’re into you, they’ll be showing it.
  5. Listen to them.  Don’t just hear sounds; listen to the words and their real meanings.  If you ask someone what they’re doing this weekend and they say they’re busy, pay attention to how they break that news.  If they say, “Oh, I’m just really busy this weekend… Sorry,” maybe they’re not so interested.  But, if they say, “I have to go to a wedding this weekend, but I’m free next week…” they might be interested.  They’re giving you an opening.  Work on that, fool!
  6. Take them on a date.  Don’t just try to make out with your crush; take them on a date.
  7. Be nice.
  8. Dress well.
  9. Be funny.
  10. Be a little weird, but not scary.
  11. Settle the horniness down.
  12. Don’t be a criminal.
  13. Speak well.
  14. Be smart.
  15. Tell amazing stories, jokes and tall tales.
  16. Try not to be a douche-bag.
  17. Shower frequently.
  18. Don’t get super-drunk around them.
  19. Smell better.
  20. Be hot, or whatever they’re into, or whatever you’re into…  We’re all beautiful.
  21. Work on you.
  22. Speak Japanese (optional).
  23. Figure out a way to get them see you eat something impressively spicy.
  24. When the opportunity arises to blow their mind beyond anything they ever thought possible, whether it’s with meeting James Marsters, going to a Pharrell concert, getting drunk with Jimmy Fallon, or having sex with you, BLOW THEIR MIND.

You can do it.  So, do it.

Sexting 101

Recently, I’ve received a lot of “sexts,” or sexy text messages, and I have to say: “Ew.”  Why are men sending me promises of pleasure and mental images of things I don’t need or want to imagine.  It got me thinking about when sexting is okay, and when it’s clearly not.  I feel like sending one of these assumes the other person is up for it (literally or not), and if that person isn’t, they’re going to be super creeped out.  For example, me.  I am creeped out by sext-messages.  On one hand, it’s good to know ahead of time that someone is going to attempt to chase after my lady lumps.  On the other hand, maybe dudes shouldn’t assume I feel like sending tedious text messages back and forth like it’s some sort of foreplay.  First of all, if I want to sleep with you, I will.  If I don’t want to sleep with you, a text message that promises a night of non-stop tickets to pleasuretown isn’t gonna change a thing.  Seriously, it’s not going to make me want you.  It will, however, get a blog post written about you and forever be standard part of my stand-up routine.

Since I’ve already written an obviously amazing user’s guide to Friends With Benefits, or Les Amies Sexuelles, I feel that I need to give the world another user’s guide.  Here you go, world.  Enjoy.

Sexting 101: A User’s Guide to Sexting

Before we begin discussing rules, let’s review a few situations of sexting and how they went right or wrong.

Situation #1:

We’ll call him Wesley (because it is an awesome name).  He met a nice young lady named Wendy (because I like alliteration) and they really hit it off.  They decided to go out on a date, which is unusual because they are in their 20s, and most people in that age group are more prone to “hang out” instead of “date.”  Anyways, the two went on their very nice date, which ended with some saucy making out and some innocent squeezing/grabbing/petting.  After they parted for the evening, Wesley set up their next date via text.  He described a beautiful dinner with high-quality wine and Wendy swooned.  She thought, “How did I get so lucky?  I finally met a nice guy!”  Wendy responded by saying, “Dinner sounds lovely.  Would you like to do anything after?”  This is where Wesley went wrong.  He responded, “Well, I’m planning on having a light dinner to save room for dessert.”  Wendy got nervous and didn’t immediately respond.  Wesley took the initiative and proceeded to explain exactly what he planned on eating and how he planned on eating it.  Wendy was horrified, she laughed, she nervously shivered, she swore, and promptly cancelled their date.

Why is this wrong? 

It’s wrong because Wesley had taken Wendy on only one date and they had established any kind of sexual relationship or sexual language at this point.  Sure, the girl kissed him on the first date, but she was clearly leaving some things to the imagination.  Ah, yes, the imagination.  It seems Wesley let his get the best of him.  He went too lewd too fast.  Wendy might have been up for some veiled innuendos to what dessert might be; she might have been quite interested in hearing about the vague plans he had for her.  Yet, as soon as he got specific about the lady-parts he had not yet seen or touched, she felt uncomfortable and a little grossed out.

Rule #1: Know your audience.

 

Situation #2:

Whitney and Bobby (no, not that Whitney and Bobby) really wanted to bone, but couldn’t due to some mental issues Bobby was having at the time.  These “mental issues” or “nerves” as they’re often called by doctors, made it impossible for Bobby to “stand tall.”  Eventually the stress of ED tore their relationship apart and they broke-up.  Ever since then, Bobby calls and texts Whitney to profess his love and desire for her – when drunk.  When Bobby sobers up, he claims he has no feelings for her.  (We call this a cycle, or as doctors would say, bullshit.)  Late one evening, Bobby was innocently texting Whitney to see if she was out on the town, as he was.  Since it was a Tuesday, and Whitney has a job, she explained that she was actually home and about to hit the hay.  Then, it got weird.  He explained that he would like to get into that bed with her and that he would like to make her Tuesday nice and “exciting.”  She tried to decline, but he insisted that he would be rubbing and bumping things all night.  She, again, declined.  He still persisted until she started swearing and texting in all caps.  It did not end well.

Why is this wrong?

He couldn’t take a hint.  Also, he pretended to have some kind of sexual prowess, which their previous relationship proved very, very false.  If he couldn’t do the thing before, why would he be able to do it now?

Rule #2: If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not gonna, so stop. 

 

Situation #3:

Example Conversation…

Don: You busy tonight?

Donna: I could find some time… depends on what you’re offering…

Don: I would make it worth your while.

Donna: Oh, really?  How so?

Don: I’m gonna bleep bleep your bleep so bleepy bleep you’ll bleep all night.

Donna: Oh yeah, baby.  I wanna bleep your bleep so bleepy too.

Don: I’ll be there in 10.

Donna: Perfect.

Why this is right?

They’re both participating.  They clearly know each other well enough and have probably established their sexual relationship beyond confusion.  This means, they both know what’s going on.  It’s cool.

Rule #3: Meet your partner’s intensity level.  Do not assume they agree with you.

We’ll alert you when Sexting 102 comes out.

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda… gotten it right if you paid attention!

Of, preposition

1. (used to indicate distance or direction from, separation, deprivation, etc.): within a mile of the church; south of Omaha; to be robbed of one’s money.
2. (used to indicate derivation, origin, or source): a man of good family; the plays of Shakespeare; a piece of cake.
3. (used to indicate cause, motive, occasion, or reason): to die of hunger.

Have, auxiliary verb
1. (used with a past participle to form perfect tenses): She has gone. It would have been an enjoyable party if he hadn’t felt downcast.
Definitions courtesy of dictionary.com

These two words, “have” and “of” have different meanings. They are different parts of speech. This means they are used in different ways. And this explains why the following phrase drives me so crazy:

Could of / Should of / Would of

As in, “I could of gone to the store. I should of done my homework. I would of punched you in the face.” Also exhibited in the J. Geils Band song, “Must of Got Lost.” None of that makes any sense whatsoever.

Granted, there are multiple things wrong with the song title but let’s take a look at this: I could (origin) gone to the store. That doesn’t make sense. I could (cause) go to the store. Nope. I could (direction from) go to the store. Again, nope. But, if we use the right word (have), it makes sense: I could have gone, as in “in the past, there was a possibility of going.”

“Of” is not an auxiliary verb. It’s a preposition. A noun follows it. So “could of gone” MAKES NO SENSE.

Perhaps nitpicky, it drives me crazy that people don’t understand the difference between “Could have” and “Could of” (which makes no sense). When we talk fast we say “COULD’VE” not “could of.”

Could have / Should have / Would have

&

Could’ve / Should’ve / Would’ve

Consider this a public service announcement to GET IT RIGHT!

We don’t talk anymore–We just text.

Cell phones are a double edged sword. They can be incredibly useful, especially if you have 3- or 4G capabilities, but they can also provide an easy avenue for normal people to slip into totally stupid and/or obnoxious behavior. Either that, or they bring out the asshole in all of us.

For anyone who has ever worked behind a counter, you know the feeling of dread that builds in your stomach when you see that mother of two approaching you, cell phone in hand, talk-yelling into the receiver. Your brain sighs, you slump, and think, “Not another one…” People on cell phones are the most obnoxious customers to serve (other than the certifiably insane). They order, and then proceed to ignore the employee if/when they are asked any questions about said order. If interrupted, they become increasingly preturbed. But wait, it gets better. Mr. or Ms. Cell Phone feel that their conversation is so important, so urgent, that not only must the employee trying to serve them wait for them to be done (or read their mind, I suppose), but the entire line of people behind them MUST wait. They are the center of the universe. My conversation about what time my daughter’s soccer game is next Wednesday is and who’s picking her up and how awful Mrs. So-and-So looked yesterday isn’t important, you say? WELL I NEVER!

Cell phone queen, be damned. You’re rude and obnoxious and everyone in the establishment hates you. I’m sure the guy in the back heard you and spit in your sandwich.

Another strange disease of modern life is the after dinner text session. We have become so attached to our cell phones/3G/email/BBM that we can hardly sit through a meal with a friend or lover. As soon as the plates are cleared, both parties drag out their cell phones and begin a mad flurry of texting and emailing. This tends to go on for 5-10 minutes. Are we that rude now? We’re more interested in texting and emailing other people than we are talking to the person we’re with. The “let’s do lunch” has disintegrated into an even lesser sign of so-called friendship than it once was, and let’s face facts: it was never that high on the scale to begin with. Not only do we not really want to spend time with or talk to our ‘friends’ over lunch, we can hardly keep up the charade until we’re done eating.

But we don’t really need friends. We have our cell phones, and after all, what more could we ask for?