File This Under “Things That Make Me Hate the World/Want to Cry”

This is terrifying because this person bought a 50,000 euro (that’s $61,780 USD) bottle of champagne, but I also have to laugh because they paid 10 euro for Coca Cola. Middle-American upbringing FTW.

This exists. Okay, not so much that this exists, but that there’s enough material for something like this to exist; and not just exist but flourish. “Rich Kids of Instagram” is a Tumblr site on which the author posts pictures of young people of outrageous familial wealth showcasing their moral bankruptcy and total disregard for reality on their Instagram accounts. Oh, and like any good Millennial, their expertise at bragging. Go figure. This makes me kind of terrified, or as the kids would say,

#omgfearthefuture

Just… yuck.

The Disappearing Daters, Part 1

The Fade-Away Boyfriend

This is the guy you date for a while, maybe as many as seven or eight dates that all seem normal, even good.  Then, suddenly, the dude stops calling, texting, responding, and a few days later, you realize you’re no longer dating.  He never tells you.  He never says a word about it.  He just disappears.

Occasionally, one of these disappeared-dudes will suddenly reappear.  This is usually after you have accepted the communication silence as a sign that you are no longer dating; thus, it will probably enrage you.  You’ll be all like: “What the hell, dude?  You haven’t talked to me in a month!”  Then, he’ll be all like: “So, wanna go to a play tomorrow?”  Then, you’ll be all like: “No. You haven’t talked to me in a month.” And then he’ll re-disappear.  Everyone will walk away a little confused.

Perhaps we can all agree that relationships expire after 10 days of no contact?

The Missed-Text Fictioner

You text on Tuesday morning.  You receive this text on Wednesday night: “Oh, I didn’t see your text until just now.”

Right, because you don’t carry your phone in your pocket… on which you didn’t update your facebook status… using which you sent no emails.  Right…

Maybe you just don’t want to talk to me?  Just be upfront, weirdo.

This is an amazing meme.

The “I-Lost-My-Phone”-Liar

No you didn’t.

Lots of people claim to have lost phones, which results in losing numbers, not responding, and apparently losing all access to all forms of communication.  In this day and age, that is just not the case.  There are so many computers available, and so many ways to communicate.  If you really wanted to talk to me, you would be talking to me.

If you find yourself dating someone who intermittently loses their phone, or doesn’t see your messages, or forgets to call you, give up on them.  They are in the process of disappearing, and you should get out before you start to care a lot.  You are playing a dangerous game.

The “He-Didn’t-Wow-Me”-Ladypants

Imagine you go on a date with some chick that your friends set up with for a lovely blind-date; it goes pretty well.  Now, imagine you ask that chick on another date, but you never hear back.  You try again.  No response.  Naturally, you ask your friend what the deal is.  Why isn’t this fine little honey calling you back?

Your friend investigates and finds out that the girl was altogether unimpressed with you because you were “clearly not trying to WOW her.”  She apparently was offended that you brought no flowers, no gifts, and that you allowed the date to be paid “dutch” after she asked to pay…  Um…  She did not bring you flowers.  She brought you no chocolates or gifts.  What the hell?

This crazy bizzo actually expected to receive gifts on a first date.  Let this one disappear.  Let her disappear hard.

Your-Name-Makes-Me-Run-Away

Ladies sometimes consider what last name they might take on – if they are straight, plan to marry, and have traditional views on name-changing (or perhaps a terrible last name that they wouldn’t mind losing).  This means that we must consider what a last name could do to us.  If I consider hyphenating my name (last name WHITE), I have to be careful.  If I marry someone whose last name is Powers, or Mann, or Ness, or Powder, or Snow… well, it would be bad.  Seeing as my first name is Patty, I also don’t want to take the last name Cakes, or Hamburg.  I feel it would be bad.

Some girls are so afraid of bad last names, they will break-up with someone upon learning it.  I know a dude who was dumped because the girl felt that if she ever were to take his name, it would ruin her life.  His last name is fine, but for a 6’1″, muscular, rugby-playing woman, his name was a deal-breaker.  She said that because people already thought she was a cross-dresser, she couldn’t handle a last name like his.  I will leave out his name, but give you some similar examples: Mann, Biggs, Hardeman, StrongMan, BigGuy, ManLady, etc.


To the Douchebag Below Me.

Dear Douche-From-Downstairs,

It’s me, your upstairs neighbor. That mousy girl with the short haircut that you only see scuttling in and out of the building when it’s dark outside (be that early in the morning or late at night). Yes, hello. I’m sure you don’t remember my face because you only see me after you’ve smoked two doobs with your room mate, but never fear. Yes, I live upstairs.

We really need to talk about your bass problem. Bass problem. Yeah, your thumping bass problem. You see, it’s really starting to be a drag. You’re really, what do they call it, cramping my style. I think the new phrase would be “you’re fucking up my swag.” Or something.

I get that you’re cool and nineteen and living on your own for the first time, but do you really want to risk losing your hearing by blasting bass for 14 hours a day? We can hear the bass when you’re playing Coldplay, for crying out loud.

 

So consider this a friendly but firm request to KNOCK IT OFF. If I have to try to sleep/eat/watch tv/read/exist through another minute of your constant buzzing–pun intended, my friend–I’m either going to tear your eyeballs out of your face or call the fuzz, depending on how much energy I have after trying to function above and around your unending bass assault.

 

Sincerely,

 

Your [Angry] Upstairs Neighbor

SOPA / PIPA

As if you haven’t heard about this (but in case you didn’t)–go and sign the Google petition to stop SOPA / PIPA, the bills that are about to go to a vote in Congress that will enable the federal government to censor the internet.

Sign Google’s Petition Against SOPA / PIPA

And while you’re at it, visit Wikipedia’s blackout page to get easy access to your representatives’ contact information. Send them a quick email or a tweet!

Contact Your Representatives

Today’s rant: trying to censor the internet is stupid. And it makes us mad. We’re willing to bet it makes you mad, too.

But at least there’s something we can do about it!

2011 in Review: Dumbest Moments in Politics

Honorable Mention: Fear the Hippy Drum Circle. Occupy Wall Street took the nation by storm (if by storm you mean a large cloud of pot smoke) this year, driving fear into the hearts–and pocketbooks–of millionaires across America. So much so that spraying old women and peaceful students with pepper spray became the new norm.

5. Rick Perry Farts in Public. Perry’s brain fart, marked by that signature “oops,” on what government agencies to eliminate was almost too painfully awkward to watch. Especially when his colleagues tried to save him from embarrassment.

4. Anthony Weiner tweets his wiener. For those of you who followed our “Weiner’s Wiener Watch,” you already know the details of this story. While we admit we were slightly impressed (and we suspect he might have just been bragging), this was still completely ridiculous. Who “accidentally” tweets their bulge to however many followers and then proceeds to claim no knowledge as to who could possibly be posing as the mystery dick in the photo? REALLY? We are still shaking our heads.

3. Donald Trump ran for president. Really? I can’t say I’m surprised the Donald thinks he’s qualified to be president, but he was really taking this far too seriously–and it seemed like most of the media was, too–for far too long. The White House is already kind of like a reality show (CSPAN.. what!!!), but are we ready to have an actual reality TV star as our commander-in-chief? We’re not ready for Vice President Khloe Kardashian.

 

2. Michele Bachman.

This year, Michele Bachman claimed that the HPV vaccine causes Autism based on what a random constituent told her. She, meanwhile, forgot to consider that people getting the HPV vaccine tend to be teenagers. Not young children. Not surprisingly, Michele has the tendency to… well… neglect science. Additionally, we’d like to remind you–Michele–that the camera is over here.

1. Herman Cain. Are you on board the Cain Train?
a. What and where is Libya?

Our pal Herman tried to contact the space aliens who provide him with information (or his brain runs like a crappy version of Google–a.k.a. Bing) and was searching through the tornado “swirling” around his brain, but alas he could not locate–or properly pronounce–Libya. Uzbeki-beki-stan-stan FTW!

b. Turning America into Sim City: 999

Cain’s flat tax concept was apparently pulled from an old version of Sim City. No, we’re not kidding.

c.”Life can be a challenge.  Life can seem impossible.  It’s never easy when there’s so much on the line.” ~ Pokemon Movie Soundtrack / Herman Cain’s Campaign
A great poet also once said, “One booby, two booby, three booby, four…  I touched four new boobies, and now I need more.  I found me a limo, I filled it with tits.  I went to the strip club, and gave away tips.  I ran to the office to touch all the boobs, and there I found hundreds to rub up with lube.  I smacked ’em, I squeezed ’em, I made them my life; but I kind of forgot that I still had a wife.” ~ Herman Cain

d. How many boobies can one man honk?
(See above poem.)

You Probably Shouldn’t Make Out with Your Teenager

The other day I posted about that creepy Folgers coffee commercial with the, well, let’s just say “odd,” moment between siblings. I have more creepy stuff to report to you, but this time it involves parents. Making out with their teenagers. Yeah. You read that right. At a Minnesota high school thought it would be funny to run a prank during one of their pep rallies that involved blindfolding students and bringing in “mystery” kissers. Except those mystery kissers are their parents. Observe the YouTube video below, shot by someone at the pep rally:

If you’re now sitting in front of your computer with a facial expression that silently screams, “OH MY GOD??!!??” you are not alone. You have to wonder what’s wrong with the school, first of all, but it seems like school systems seem to make bad decisions perpetually. I’m grossed out, but not entirely surprised that someone thinks something stupid/gross/psychologically harmful/offensive is a good idea. This isn’t completely out of the ordinary. I’m more concerned about the parents of these kids. What they hell were they thinking?

As a parent you want to protect your child. I don’t think you want to psychologically damage them, or really even embarrass them in front of their friends, though parents often do so unintentionally. You also don’t have latent desires to make out with your kids. SO. Taking all that into account, could someone please tell me why these parents would lock lips with their grown children in order to (I assume) embarrass them as part of some kind of twisted gag?

Welcome to the internet age, Principal Wollersheim. Anything and everything you do has to be done with the idea that anyone, anywhere may view a video of it. With cell phone cameras and small digital cameras, there is now the potential for someone to be videotaping virtually anything without you knowing it. And it takes about 15 seconds to upload that stuff to YouTube. Not that this is an excuse for your utterly imbecilic idea to make parents kiss their children in such a sexualized way, but it serves as a good lesson and/or reminder for you and everyone else. Don’t assume an event can’t reach the outside world. It can, and it will.

Mostly I feel bad for these kids. How awkward and bizarre would the ride home from this event be? I would feel not only betrayed but totally creeped out. I would never want to be affectionate with that parent after that. Ew. Ew. EW.

As a person, I’m appalled. As a Minnesotan, I’m embarrassed.

Not cute. Not funny. Just gross.

10 More Reasons You’re a Terrible Driver

Driving around this weekend enraged me again, so I thought I would share a few additional awful examples of driving/humanity, and reiterate some of the more important points that no one seems to know.

*For the first 10 Reasons, please see our previous post, “10 Reasons You’re Being a Driving Douche.” 

  1. If it’s 8:57 AM, you’re not the only one running late for work.  We all are.  We have no sympathy for you.  Don’t be a douchebag when everyone else is just as late.  Very few people start work at 9:30, so get over yourself.  Settle it down, Howard Dean.  No one needs to get that hyped in the morning.
  2. Don’t assume that I’m controlling the car in front of me; are you controlling the car in front of you? (That’s me… and NO.)  Don’t get mad at me.  I can’t control them.  I would also like to go faster, but I don’t have a ray gun.  I also don’t have mind control powers.  So… back the hell off!
  3. Children in the car = worse driving?  If there are children with you, you should actually improve your driving, and make a real effort to not kill them.
  4. If you eat while you drive, prioritize.  By that, I mean that the driving part is more important.
  5. Maintain your vehicle.  If you don’t, we’ll all die.
  6. Remember that you are visible to other drivers, especially when stopped in traffic.  We can see you picking your nose, doing your make-up, fighting with your passengers, and/or yelling at your kids.  Maybe wait until you get home.
  7. Don’t do your make-up in the car.  STUPID HEAD.
  8. Running lights are NOT enough.  If it’s dark, turn on your big girl lights.  Why is this so hard?  Why? WHY?
  9. Use your turn signal, or I will crush you with my mind.  I know that I previously said I didn’t have mind control powers, or a way to de-materialize the car in front me, which is still mostly true.  It is only when I reach my highest level of anger possible that I can crush other people with my mind.  This is figurative, y’all.
  10. STOP TEXTING.

Black Friday, or National Asshole Day

Black Friday is a crazy American tradition that pushes the limits of people’s willingness to compromise their morals, pride, and safety in order to save some major bank on things like tvs, phones, boots, and trendy toys.  Because so many Americans go balls-to-the-wall crazy on Black Friday, my sister and I have dubbed it, “National Asshole Day,” instead.

I know it’s a bit crass, but it’s just a description of the day.  I saw a news story about some crazy bitch who pepper-sprayed other shoppers so she could get a flat-screen.  SHE PEPPER-SPRAYED THEM… FOR A DAMN TV.  She’s an asshole.

Some off-duty police officer also pepper-sprayed some shoppers who were being “rowdy.”  He’s an asshole.

The 13-year-old who tried to body check me in Victoria’s Secret?  She, obviously, should not have been in that store.  She clearly didn’t know who she was dealing with.  The scoffed at me, probably a little jealous of my giant bras, though they are really a terrifying pre-cursor to late-onset adult scoliosis…  She should not have assumed I would, or could immediately make room for her in the tiny aisle in between tiny underpants and tiny sequined see-thru items.  She should not have assumed that I was a mirage.  She should not have run into me because that resulted in her bouncing off of me and into the racks of rack-holders.  I couldn’t help but laugh.  Yet, she was the assshole.

Almost everyone who was driving – assholes.

Most people who waited for 12 or more hours were probably turned into assholes from exhaustion, dehydration, hunger, stress, and rage.

Anyone elbowing a grandma in order to get a cell phone.  You guys are assholes.

Anyone who made a child join them or hold their place in line (I saw this happen on WEDNESDAY because some asshole was already camped out at Best Buy) is a MAJOR ASSHOLE.

Happy National Asshole Day!

6 More Signs You’re Not a “Bad Ass”

Of course, there are more signs.
  1. You’re wearing a blue tooth.  You look crazy, not bad ass.  If you are currently driving a vehicle, then a bluetooth is understandable.  If you’re standing in line somewhere, or walking down the street, maybe just use your cell phone like a normal person.  Bad asses don’t need fancy gadgets.  Fancy gadgets hope bad asses will use them.
  2. You use pick-up lines.  Bad asses don’t need pick-up lines; they just know how to get laid.  And they do.
  3. You think Guinness is yucky, and you have other weak ass drinking habits.  Bad asses drink intense, bad ass drinks.  That means whiskey, gin, heavy beer, and generally German/Irish ales.  There is no light beer.  There is no need for Long Islands, or whatever else comes in a fish bowl.  Bad asses are fine without frills.
  4. You can’t drive stick shift.  Why can’t you?  C’mon.  This one is a given.
  5. Your masculinity is challenged and/or you feel uncomfortable wearing pink, going to the opera, shopping, cleaning yourself, etc…*  Man or woman, you need to be self-assured to be bad ass.  Plus, bad asses can appreciate a beautiful piece of art, taking care of themselves, and high-culture.  They’re not animals!
  6. You think a Hummer is more bad ass than a Prius.  Wrong.  A true bad ass knows that driving a Prius is way more bad ass than driving a Hummer.  Hummer’s are wasteful, and bad asses are economical in all they do.  They don’t want to expend a bunch of useless or unnecessary energy to get something done.  Why would they want to drive something that did?  Also, a bad ass realizes that driving a Hummer tells other people that you are self-conscious about your “size.”  Bad asses are definitely not worried about “size;” they’re good.
Bonus list for dudes only! Read below:
  1. You can’t grow a beard… Um, bad asses are at least able to do so.  Most of them shave twice a day.
  2. Every chick that won’t sleep with you becomes a “bitch.”  Bad asses can handle rejection, though it rarely happens.  Still, when and if it does, a bad ass knows that only little bitches think every woman is a bitch.
  3. You’ve hit a chick.  Sean Connery is the only bad ass who has done this.  It’s still not really okay.
  4. You’re straight, and gay dudes make you nervous.  Again, bad asses aren’t worried about what other people are doing.  Also, gay dudes are not attracted to every other dude.  Deal with it.
 

*This was re-worded for clarity.  We agree that bad asses can maintain their bad ass status whilst attending the opera.  In fact, we think many bad asses can appreciate the opera.  They’re too awesome not to.

5 Signs You’re Not Really a “Bad Ass”

Don is a bad ass.  He’s a Vietnam Veteran who snowmobiles, is not capable of drinking so much he could be drunk, has beaten up multiple jerks, loves him some jager, never does yard work without bleeding and never seems to notice that he’s bleeding, and he’s also a pretty ballin’ cook.  Boom.  Bad ass.

Kate is bad ass because she will cut you with her words, take you down analytically, drink another bottle of the cheap red, laugh at your stupidity, charm you into wanting to date her, and then she’ll cut you down again.  Oh, and she’s in a PhD program at 22.

Patty is a bad ass because she could kick your ass, drink you under the table, hem anything, clean anything, fix a lot of things, she has 7.32 jobs, and she’ll do it all wearing a pencil skirt and heels.

You probably are not a bad ass.  Bad asses are awesome.  They chop down trees, build houses, fix cars, beat up dudes who are assholes, don’t flinch when they bleed, and aren’t afraid of getting a little dirty to get it done (regardless of the it).

Urban dictionary defines bad ass a number of ways, but my favorite snippets are:

Badass:

  1. Ultra-cool motherfucker.
  2. The badass is an uncommon man of supreme style. He does what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. You won’t find him on facebook, myspace, msn, et cetera because he is probably out being cool somewhere.
  3. Awesome to an extreme level, thereby leveraging unquestionable authority.
  4. “Sam Elliott’s mustache = badass.”
  5. Infinitely cool, über awesome, hardcore to the extreme.  “Say what you will about Bruce Lee or Chuck Noris, Tsutomu Yamaguchi is, hands down, the most badass example of a badass ever to walk the earth: Tsutomu Yamaguchi was the only known survivor of BOTH atomic blasts. He died at age 93 on January 6, 2010.”  There is NOTHING more bad ass than that.
There are a lot of people, mostly dudes, who claim to be bad ass, but most of them aren’t.  If you think you are a bad ass, read the following carefully.
5 Signs You’re Not Really a “Bad Ass”
  1. You are wearing a polo shirt, and it’s not a uniform.  First of all, bad asses don’t really wear uniforms.  Second of all, polos are for English guys, and frat boys.  If you’re English, we’ll allow a polo if you wore it while playing polo.  If you are a frat boy, shut up, you’re not a bad ass.
  2. The sight of blood makes you feel nauseated.  A true bad ass in not bothered in the slightest by blood.  A true bad ass usually doesn’t notice their own, but will come to the aid of others who bleed.
  3. You can’t fix or even identify what’s wrong with your car/fridge/sink/motorcycle/computer.  Bad asses fix shit.  If you cannot fix anything, you’re not bad ass.
  4. You can’t do mental math.  Math is bad ass.
  5. You don’t know how to throw a punch.  Punching is a big part of being a bad ass.  Fighting is important.
There are many other signs, so proceed claiming to be a bad ass carefully.