Flirting. You’re doing it wrong.

I was not feeling very well yesterday.  This lead me to purchasing some cold and flu relief products along with a new thermometer, tea, and crackers.  Most cashiers would say something obvious like, “Not feeling so hot?” or “Oh no, caught that cold bug, huh?”  But this cashier, “Adam” as his nametag proclaimed, decided that I was in the mood for some bottom-notch flirting.  He said, “You have really pretty eyes.” I said, “Thank you [coughs].”

Then he asked me if I was a student “around here,” and I said, “Not anymore.”  Then he told me all about going to school at Eastern; including the fun fact that he is a sophomore…  I was trying to say that I wished him well with his studies, and I was trying to pay for my sick-goods.

Then actually said, “You should get coffee with me sometime.”  WHAT?  Where did this come from?  How do I look like your ideal candidate for dating, or flirting, or making out, or humping?  I’m a runny-nosed, four-eyed, dreary, tired, bloated, messy, mussed-up, annoyed, older girl.  Why are you asking me to get coffee with you?

This is when I said, “Um… I’m not really… Um…” So, then I fell silent like a weirdo and the rest of the checkout-y checkout was majorly awkward.

I really hope he didn’t steal my credit card information.

 

10 Things That Make You Sound Like a Major Asshole

  1. “There’s something wrong in this country when gays can openly serve in the military, but ‘our’ children cannot openly celebrate Christmas.”  Rick Perry is an asshole, obviously.  The first problem here is that these two things are not related.  Gay people don’t hate Christmas.  Most Christians who celebrate Christmas also don’t hate or feel threatened by gay people.  Rick Perry is a crazy person who is trying to criminalize homosexuality while hiding behind his religion.  Suck it, Rick.
  2. If you are a dude and you call a girl a tease simply because she wouldn’t bang you for buying her a drink, it’s going to make you sound like an asshole.  Actually, just expecting this to happen (if it you just think it) makes you an asshole.  You don’t even have to say it to anyone.
  3. You just complained that your parents won’t pay for your phone/car/trip/etc.  You’re a grown-up.  You have to buy your own shit, asshole.
  4. You just complained about the phone/car/trip/etc. that your parents bought you.  Only assholes complain about gifts.  This isn’t “My Super Sweet Sixteen;” this is real life.  In real life, if someone buys you a new phone, a car (new or used), or pays for other nice shit for you, you thank them profusely and you keep your mouth shut about the color/brand/make.  It was free to you.  It’s a gift.  Get over yourself, asshole.
  5. You say the following to your friends to help make them more cultured: “Well, I’m not claiming to be an expert, but while I was in Paris/London/Europe/Madrid/etc… All the locals did/said/wore [insert random, judgmental, and terrible idea].”  Unless you’re really being earnest, you probably just made yourself sound like an asshole.
  6. Calling yourself a visionary.  No thanks, asshole.
  7. You complain about what other people are drinking around you.  “Oh god, is EVERYONE drinking Bud Light? Kill me.”  “How can people drink Sam Adams and take themselves seriously?”  “I’m so over beer; now, I just drink artisan wines…”  We get it.  You’re cultured.  No one is forcing you to drink anything, asshole, so shut up and enjoy your $100 hotel-sized bottle of wine.
  8. Your facebook status is about your Hummer/BMW/Mercedes/etc. and how much you hate.  Basically anytime you’re complaining about how rich you are, you sound like a major asshole.  This includes complaining about poor people, protesters, homeless people, and the like.  This also includes being annoyed because your flight to your vacation was delayed, or that your limo wasn’t as big as you expected.
  9. You think a lot of girls are obsessed with you.  Hey asshole, unless you’re Ryan Gosling, you’re wrong.  The only one obsessed with you is you, asshole.
  10. You complain about other ethnicities, nationalities, and races.  You are the major-est, biggest asshole of all.  Congratulations, Captain Asshole!

10 More Reasons You’re a Terrible Driver

Driving around this weekend enraged me again, so I thought I would share a few additional awful examples of driving/humanity, and reiterate some of the more important points that no one seems to know.

*For the first 10 Reasons, please see our previous post, “10 Reasons You’re Being a Driving Douche.” 

  1. If it’s 8:57 AM, you’re not the only one running late for work.  We all are.  We have no sympathy for you.  Don’t be a douchebag when everyone else is just as late.  Very few people start work at 9:30, so get over yourself.  Settle it down, Howard Dean.  No one needs to get that hyped in the morning.
  2. Don’t assume that I’m controlling the car in front of me; are you controlling the car in front of you? (That’s me… and NO.)  Don’t get mad at me.  I can’t control them.  I would also like to go faster, but I don’t have a ray gun.  I also don’t have mind control powers.  So… back the hell off!
  3. Children in the car = worse driving?  If there are children with you, you should actually improve your driving, and make a real effort to not kill them.
  4. If you eat while you drive, prioritize.  By that, I mean that the driving part is more important.
  5. Maintain your vehicle.  If you don’t, we’ll all die.
  6. Remember that you are visible to other drivers, especially when stopped in traffic.  We can see you picking your nose, doing your make-up, fighting with your passengers, and/or yelling at your kids.  Maybe wait until you get home.
  7. Don’t do your make-up in the car.  STUPID HEAD.
  8. Running lights are NOT enough.  If it’s dark, turn on your big girl lights.  Why is this so hard?  Why? WHY?
  9. Use your turn signal, or I will crush you with my mind.  I know that I previously said I didn’t have mind control powers, or a way to de-materialize the car in front me, which is still mostly true.  It is only when I reach my highest level of anger possible that I can crush other people with my mind.  This is figurative, y’all.
  10. STOP TEXTING.

10 Reasons You’re Being a Driving-Douche

Don’t be a douchebag when you’re driving.

  1. Use your turn signal.  It’s not that hard, you asswipe.  Otherwise, you are a mystery to me.  Also, if you are choosing not to use your turn signal, don’t be offended when I assume you’re going straight.  That’s what would make sense…
  2. Don’t fucking text.  JUST DON’T.  You’ll die.  I’ll die.  We’ll all die.
  3. Unless you’re Sting, no sunglasses at night.
  4. If it snowed, you have to clean off your car – that means cleaning ALL THE WINDOWS.  None of this patchy, half-assed, tiny holes of light business, please.  Seriously, you have to be able to see while you drive.  The back window is supposed to be see-through.  Being late is better than dying.  A lot better.  Clean the whole car.  You have two more minutes, I promise.  
  5. Yellow lights require stopping when possible.  Please remember this.
  6. Right of way is not negotiable, even if you’re late.  Suck it up, and wait your turn.  By the way, when you’re merging, you don’t have right of way.  Sorry.
  7. When precipitation comes down, so should your speed.  No one is unbreakable, that was a movie.  Just slow down, you prick.
  8. If it’s not raining, snowing, sleeting, etc., maybe you could go the speed limit, or at least let others pass you.  You can chug away at your slow pace, but don’t hold up all of traffic because you’re uncomfortable with the speed normal humans like.
  9. If you miss your turn, you must keep driving, and safely turn at the next available street/road/driveway, and you cannot simply slam on your brakes, then cut across every lane of traffic.  Again, safety first, asshole.  Being late = being alive = winner.
  10. Turn your lights on whenever… You know what, just keep them on; it’s easier that way.

Take home point: stop being a driving-douche.  Pay attention.  Follow the rules.  Try not to kill or be killed.

Deal?