Herman Cain Is America, and a Little Crazy

This dude and his staff dudes are crazy.

 

 

Remember Kate’s post “I Am America. Are You?” about that truly amazing song of Tea Party angst?  Well, now more people than that lady are America, and Herman Cain is one of them.  This guy is nuts.

Who the hell does he think he think has America right now anyway?  Also, if he wants to take America back and give it to the Americans, and he is also America… What does that mean?

I’m tired, so I’ll let Herman show you how crazy he is in his own words.

1. Muslims make him uncomfortable.

2. He’s a “real black man.”  Go to 3:14 ish.

3. “I don’t have the facts to back this up…”
4. “If you don’t have a job, blame yourself.”
5. “It’s not a person’s fault if they succeeded; it’s a person’s fault if they failed.”

 

5 Signs You’re Not Really a “Bad Ass”

Don is a bad ass.  He’s a Vietnam Veteran who snowmobiles, is not capable of drinking so much he could be drunk, has beaten up multiple jerks, loves him some jager, never does yard work without bleeding and never seems to notice that he’s bleeding, and he’s also a pretty ballin’ cook.  Boom.  Bad ass.

Kate is bad ass because she will cut you with her words, take you down analytically, drink another bottle of the cheap red, laugh at your stupidity, charm you into wanting to date her, and then she’ll cut you down again.  Oh, and she’s in a PhD program at 22.

Patty is a bad ass because she could kick your ass, drink you under the table, hem anything, clean anything, fix a lot of things, she has 7.32 jobs, and she’ll do it all wearing a pencil skirt and heels.

You probably are not a bad ass.  Bad asses are awesome.  They chop down trees, build houses, fix cars, beat up dudes who are assholes, don’t flinch when they bleed, and aren’t afraid of getting a little dirty to get it done (regardless of the it).

Urban dictionary defines bad ass a number of ways, but my favorite snippets are:

Badass:

  1. Ultra-cool motherfucker.
  2. The badass is an uncommon man of supreme style. He does what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. You won’t find him on facebook, myspace, msn, et cetera because he is probably out being cool somewhere.
  3. Awesome to an extreme level, thereby leveraging unquestionable authority.
  4. “Sam Elliott’s mustache = badass.”
  5. Infinitely cool, über awesome, hardcore to the extreme.  “Say what you will about Bruce Lee or Chuck Noris, Tsutomu Yamaguchi is, hands down, the most badass example of a badass ever to walk the earth: Tsutomu Yamaguchi was the only known survivor of BOTH atomic blasts. He died at age 93 on January 6, 2010.”  There is NOTHING more bad ass than that.
There are a lot of people, mostly dudes, who claim to be bad ass, but most of them aren’t.  If you think you are a bad ass, read the following carefully.
5 Signs You’re Not Really a “Bad Ass”
  1. You are wearing a polo shirt, and it’s not a uniform.  First of all, bad asses don’t really wear uniforms.  Second of all, polos are for English guys, and frat boys.  If you’re English, we’ll allow a polo if you wore it while playing polo.  If you are a frat boy, shut up, you’re not a bad ass.
  2. The sight of blood makes you feel nauseated.  A true bad ass in not bothered in the slightest by blood.  A true bad ass usually doesn’t notice their own, but will come to the aid of others who bleed.
  3. You can’t fix or even identify what’s wrong with your car/fridge/sink/motorcycle/computer.  Bad asses fix shit.  If you cannot fix anything, you’re not bad ass.
  4. You can’t do mental math.  Math is bad ass.
  5. You don’t know how to throw a punch.  Punching is a big part of being a bad ass.  Fighting is important.
There are many other signs, so proceed claiming to be a bad ass carefully.

I AM AMERICA. ARE YOU?

I’m gonna make this short and sweet.

A. This song is awful. Formally AND for its shitty content. (80s dance party, anyone?)

B. The Tea Partiers have long needed to stop being so self-righteous.

C. The Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street are the same bullshit. They’re both movements who have made it very clear what they’re against and have offered no possible solutions to the problems they have identified other than ones that revolve around absence (e.g. stop government spending or stop giving tax cuts to corporations and millionaires). Neither of these things are helpful.

D. This song is so bullshit.

Wearing an American Flag Does Not Mean You’re Patriotic; It Just Means You’re Wearing an American Flag

 Wearing a flag pin on your lapel proves nothing about your patriotism.  All it means is that you purchased a cheap, tiny flag from a cheap, tiny tray of trinkets.  OR It means that your campaign manager found one on the ground and thought you better wear one before everyone accused you of being anti-American.  Apparently, putting a tiny hole in your suit proves your overwhelming commitment to America.  Right, that totally makes sense.  It’s just like how when you’re dating someone and they wear a cheap, tiny pin which prominently displays your face shimmering from their now holey lapel and you think to yourself, “Yes, this proves that this person truly and completely loves me in a mature and adult and reasonable and actual way.  I feel completely comfortable leaving my life and love in their clearly capable hands.”  Right?  It’s all clear proof and evidence of competence.

Wearing a flag pin, or flag t-shirt, or an “America, F*#k Yeah!” shirt obviously proves someone is both patriotic and a competent American politician.

EXCEPT THAT IT MEANS NOTHING! 

Hey, America!  Look at me!  I’m wrapped in your flagginess, which means I’m a super-qualified candidate for the presidency.  Who wants to vote for me?  Seriously, who wants to vote for me?  Do you want to vote for me?  Please!  Please, someone vote for me…

Sarah Palin is so f’ing patriotic, so f’ing American, she wears entire American flags all up on her body.  That’s right.  A measly lapel pin won’t do it for this mavericky, Russia-watching Alaskan.  In fact, the crazy pants probably wears American flag underpants, American flag bras, uses American flag condoms…   Wait, wait, I’m sorry.  She doesn’t use condoms because those might block “God’s plans” from happening, and if “God’s plans” get blocked, how does the world get more babies named after random objects, places, and mathematical practices?  Oh well…  My point is that this lady wears a heckuva lotta American-themed crap.  And yet, when I look at this picture, I see an incredibly annoying, over-coiffed, idiotic, clearly insane, backwards, homophobic bitch-face who is also wrapped in an American flag.

THE REPUBLICAN DEBATE

Look at all these jerks.  Only four of them wore flag pins!?!?!?!  What? How dare they spit in the face of America like this?  A flag pin is everything, especially if you’re a Republican.

Remember the last election, when Obama wasn’t wearing a flag pin on his lapel and people kept saying that it proved he was a terrorist and a socialist.  I just don’t get why these dumbasses don’t see that they need to be so American it comes out of their eyeballs and leaks onto their lapels.  Duh!

Everyone is crazy.  America is just a country that we live in; it does not need to be on all of our belongings.