We Get It, Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day needs to settle it down.  Seriously, why are we putting so much value in this little old day?  It shouldn’t make or break a relationship, it shouldn’t define us as people, and it shouldn’t depress us based on whatever relationship status we can use to describe ourselves on that day.  It just shouldn’t.  I’m actually not sad, lonely, or depressed (this year), but I still think Valentine’s Day is a little evil.  A person cannot escape hearts, red crap, shiny shit, lacy shit, feathered shit, champagne shit, chocolate shit, expensive shit, diamond shit, more heart-shit, etc.

Why not just do something nice for the people you love?  Even if it’s not sexy, you’ll feel good.  If you are in a relationship, you’re expected to have a fancy dinner, eat chocolate, drink champagne, and then put on crazy lingerie and have the hottest sex of ever…  That’s unreasonable.  You will be bloated.  You will not feel like having sex with the lights on.  Just willing myself to get into a corset is enough to ruin a nice meal.  “I’ll have the side salad without dressing as my entree…”  The expectations are unrealistic.  Shouldn’t this be reserved for anniversaries?  What happens if a chick is unavailable for the supreme pleasures of Valentine’s Day doin’ it?  Ladies get this thing every month, and it complicates things?  I’m just saying: what if?  That’s a lot of pressure for a reproductive system to handle.

I’m also infuriated that the V-Day tropes are that dudes spend cash while ladies put out.  Blerg.

I just don’t want to see hearts everywhere.  I don’t like them.  I don’t want everything to be pink.  I don’t want my boyfriend to feel like he has to send me roses or I will kill him.  THAT’S STUPID.  No one is entitled to roses.  I’m certainly not.

Plus, dudes can’t handle all this pressure.  It makes ladies crazy, and guys can’t live up to the crazy expectations pushed into female minds by rom-coms and Hallmark commercials.  I think I’ve even seen a cat food commercial about human love recently.  What? How? Why? COME ON.

Ladies, settle it down.  If a dude doesn’t buy you flowers, it’s okay.  Maybe just take a moment to appreciate the people you love instead of buying everything in CVS?

If you’re single, Valentine’s Day is just gigantic reminder that you are not in a relationship, and that you will likely not be needing any lacy accessories.  Why should singles be tormented further by our weirdly couple-obsessed culture?  Being single kind of rules… because there are no rules!  Okay, not really, but still.   This can be such an awkward day.  We should just act normal.

Why are heart shapes so anatomically incorrect?  It really bothers me.

Friggin’ Valentine’s Day…

Shady Mailings… Not Just For Politicians Anymore

In the season of receiving important tax documents in the mail–think your W-2s–I pay more attention to the junk mail. I don’t want to accidentally pitch some documents from a  bank or my employer that I need to file my taxes. So, lo and behold, when I checked the mail this morning, my boyfriend had received something form the IRS and I had received a letter with similar-looking typeface which read, on the front, “DO NOT BEND. Statement of Benefits Enclosed.” I began to wonder if it was from my insurance company or something, so I looked toward the return address label and saw it was from something called “Midwest Living,” located in Des Moines, Iowa.

Hum. Well, this looked important. Then I turned it over.

Was this… a magazine subscription ad? …What???

Upon opening it, this was confirmed. It was, in fact, a ploy to get me to subscribe to Midwest Living Magazine. They are trying to attract potential subscriptions with what appears to be a bill. Sneaky, sneaky, Midwest Living. But I’m calling you out. Disguising ads as bills or important “BENEFITS” documents during end-of-the-fiscal-year tax season is not only misleading, its incredibly shady. I’m calling bullshit on you!

You didn’t even deserve expert editing, you jerks. Only janky phone pictures edited with the skills of MS paint.

2011 in Review: Dumbest Moments in Pop Culture

Honorable Mentions:  Casey Anthony.  Arnold Schwarzenegger has illegitimate child with his maid; kid dresses up as the Terminator for Halloween.  Ke$ha.

5. The Royal Wedding.  

While we’ve posted on the royal wedding before, we’re still amazed at how long this cloud of bullshit lingered (and continues to linger/respawn). First it was about the princess-to-be and the wedding itself.  Then it was about the hats. Then it was about her hot sister with the weird name (oh, right, “Pippa.”).  Then it was about her alleged and highly anticipated pregnancy.  Why everyone felt it so necessary to freak out about this, we’ll never know.

4. Kim Kardashian gets married… for 72 days.  Kim married basketball player Kris Humphries, and divorced him less than three months later.  Cue media firestorm: it was fake!  They did it for the money!  All of it is a sham!  Do you people not realize Kim Kardashian’s entire life is a scam to get your money?  Why did you think her marriage to this douche would be any different?  C’mon!  On a side note, I think the height-difference alone doomed them.  I mean, that would really, really complicate things… like dancing.

3. Justin Bieber’s baby mama drama.  Everyone’s favorite manboy singer was accused of having sex with some random nineteen year old girl in a bathroom at one of his concerts, resulting in her getting preggers.  We already posted about this, largely because this girl was claiming she banged a minor… for more entertainment!  Not only was it impossible to Google “Justin Bieber Baby” to get any information about this ridiculous story (given the title of his single), it was just stupid.  There’s so much wrong here.  First off, if you’re nineteen and you are at a Justin Bieber concert, you should be ashamed of yourself.  Secondly, I’m sure this kid has a little more class than to have sex with you in a bathroom stall.  I mean, he’s Bieber, he gets whatever he wants.  He would probably make love to you on a bed of candy or something equally juvenile.  Three, maybe you shouldn’t text people and reveal that you’re full of shit when you’re trying to scam a celebrity out of child support for the next eighteen years.  On top of that, maybe Biebs should have listened up on his Kanye West before hitting the bigtime: “eighteen years, she got one of yo’ kids got you for eighteen years.”  Just sayin.  However, the tweets about this stuff were, admittedly, HILARIOUS.  Nothing better than twelve year olds freakin’ out and calling some teenager a dirty, lying whore (which she was).

2. Charlie Sheen goes overboard on blow, “Winning!” If somebody didn’t realize Charlie Sheen was a little bit “off” before his coke addiction hit the fan this year, then you must’ve been living under a rock. The way news media latched on to this bombshell of a story, though, only happens once in a blue moon. Sheen is no idiot–he used his meltdown to his advantage, and is possibly one of the only celebrities I’ve ever heard of making money off of their sheer insanity caused by drug abuse. Charlie, you are, truly, a rock star from Mars.

1. Rebecca Black gives the world “Friday.” I don’t know what was more amazing: how totally, absolutely, and truly BAD this song was, the hysterical memes that resulted from it, or people’s unchecked rage toward Rebecca Black herself. This goofy YouTube video took on a life of its own and even created a template for a Kohl’s Black Friday ad this year. While the song was awful, you have to be impressed with a piece of music that causes such a guttural reaction among the public and is collectively condemned as the worst song of all time. Just think, Jefferson Starship had to work almost thirty years to get “We Built This City” declared as the worst song of all time. It took Rebecca Black about two weeks. Bravo.

We hope you’ll remember 2011 like we will:

2011 in Review: Dumbest Moments in Politics

Honorable Mention: Fear the Hippy Drum Circle. Occupy Wall Street took the nation by storm (if by storm you mean a large cloud of pot smoke) this year, driving fear into the hearts–and pocketbooks–of millionaires across America. So much so that spraying old women and peaceful students with pepper spray became the new norm.

5. Rick Perry Farts in Public. Perry’s brain fart, marked by that signature “oops,” on what government agencies to eliminate was almost too painfully awkward to watch. Especially when his colleagues tried to save him from embarrassment.

4. Anthony Weiner tweets his wiener. For those of you who followed our “Weiner’s Wiener Watch,” you already know the details of this story. While we admit we were slightly impressed (and we suspect he might have just been bragging), this was still completely ridiculous. Who “accidentally” tweets their bulge to however many followers and then proceeds to claim no knowledge as to who could possibly be posing as the mystery dick in the photo? REALLY? We are still shaking our heads.

3. Donald Trump ran for president. Really? I can’t say I’m surprised the Donald thinks he’s qualified to be president, but he was really taking this far too seriously–and it seemed like most of the media was, too–for far too long. The White House is already kind of like a reality show (CSPAN.. what!!!), but are we ready to have an actual reality TV star as our commander-in-chief? We’re not ready for Vice President Khloe Kardashian.

 

2. Michele Bachman.

This year, Michele Bachman claimed that the HPV vaccine causes Autism based on what a random constituent told her. She, meanwhile, forgot to consider that people getting the HPV vaccine tend to be teenagers. Not young children. Not surprisingly, Michele has the tendency to… well… neglect science. Additionally, we’d like to remind you–Michele–that the camera is over here.

1. Herman Cain. Are you on board the Cain Train?
a. What and where is Libya?

Our pal Herman tried to contact the space aliens who provide him with information (or his brain runs like a crappy version of Google–a.k.a. Bing) and was searching through the tornado “swirling” around his brain, but alas he could not locate–or properly pronounce–Libya. Uzbeki-beki-stan-stan FTW!

b. Turning America into Sim City: 999

Cain’s flat tax concept was apparently pulled from an old version of Sim City. No, we’re not kidding.

c.”Life can be a challenge.  Life can seem impossible.  It’s never easy when there’s so much on the line.” ~ Pokemon Movie Soundtrack / Herman Cain’s Campaign
A great poet also once said, “One booby, two booby, three booby, four…  I touched four new boobies, and now I need more.  I found me a limo, I filled it with tits.  I went to the strip club, and gave away tips.  I ran to the office to touch all the boobs, and there I found hundreds to rub up with lube.  I smacked ’em, I squeezed ’em, I made them my life; but I kind of forgot that I still had a wife.” ~ Herman Cain

d. How many boobies can one man honk?
(See above poem.)

Oh, Santa!

More terrible Christmas commercials. This time it’s Kay Jewelers and the woman who wants to bang-a-gong-get-it-on with “Santa.”

Really? This is as bad as that stupid “Santa Baby” song. No. No one wants to bang Santa, or anyone in a Santa suit. The Santa suit is a big red sign that says DON’T HAVE SEX WITH ME.

Look what Viagra has done. Yes, I blame you, boner pills. Otherwise there would be no way a 300 year old man who flies around in a sleigh with magical reindeer could get it up. Really.

Do you take your coffee with incest or sugar?

A few weeks ago, I was sitting around watching TV with my boyfriend when the following ad flittered across our screen.

After it finished, we sat looking at each other, both of us sporting that priceless, “what the hell did I just witness?” look on our faces. “Was that… weird… or was it just me?” I asked. Boyfriend agreed, the commercial was “creepy.” It passed without much further thought, until it came up while he was at work recently. His coworkers thought the same commercial was “cute.” He adamantly disagreed. So, this morning, when we saw it yet again I started to wonder if maybe it was just us. Apparently not, however. According to a couple websites, the spot is a remake of a Folger’s ad from the 1980s where the little girl is actually pretty much a baby, not a quasi-teenager.

Other than age between the two girls, there are a few other notable differences (e.g. the focus on the coffee and not on the awkward bedroom eyes between adult siblings). In the new version, it seems that the parents break up what is an awkwardly too-loving moment between the siblings when they enter the kitchen, and then the commercial just ends.

But seriously, Folgers. I don’t know any siblings who engage with each other so… earnestly. Sure, a couple of sisters will hug, brothers might shake hands or do the man-hug, but all the brother-sister combos I know are more likely to be giving each other a little bit of shit (“You’ve been on safari in Africa and you’re still pale? What gives?”). Apparently you got this in the beginning, but you still glossed it in Christmas-cheer-incest (“I must have the wrong house….!”). She even has to identify her relationship to our West African traveler by yelling “SISTER!” and pointing at herself awkwardly so we get the point that their hug and subsequent googly eyes are sooooo not supposed to be between lovers. No sexual tension here, folks, keep movin’. -Cringe- Here’s a thought, Folgers: find some actors who can really act like siblings and aren’t waiting to bang each other as soon as they’re off-set. It shows. And it makes me never, ever want to drink your coffee again.

Wearing an American Flag Does Not Mean You’re Patriotic; It Just Means You’re Wearing an American Flag

 Wearing a flag pin on your lapel proves nothing about your patriotism.  All it means is that you purchased a cheap, tiny flag from a cheap, tiny tray of trinkets.  OR It means that your campaign manager found one on the ground and thought you better wear one before everyone accused you of being anti-American.  Apparently, putting a tiny hole in your suit proves your overwhelming commitment to America.  Right, that totally makes sense.  It’s just like how when you’re dating someone and they wear a cheap, tiny pin which prominently displays your face shimmering from their now holey lapel and you think to yourself, “Yes, this proves that this person truly and completely loves me in a mature and adult and reasonable and actual way.  I feel completely comfortable leaving my life and love in their clearly capable hands.”  Right?  It’s all clear proof and evidence of competence.

Wearing a flag pin, or flag t-shirt, or an “America, F*#k Yeah!” shirt obviously proves someone is both patriotic and a competent American politician.

EXCEPT THAT IT MEANS NOTHING! 

Hey, America!  Look at me!  I’m wrapped in your flagginess, which means I’m a super-qualified candidate for the presidency.  Who wants to vote for me?  Seriously, who wants to vote for me?  Do you want to vote for me?  Please!  Please, someone vote for me…

Sarah Palin is so f’ing patriotic, so f’ing American, she wears entire American flags all up on her body.  That’s right.  A measly lapel pin won’t do it for this mavericky, Russia-watching Alaskan.  In fact, the crazy pants probably wears American flag underpants, American flag bras, uses American flag condoms…   Wait, wait, I’m sorry.  She doesn’t use condoms because those might block “God’s plans” from happening, and if “God’s plans” get blocked, how does the world get more babies named after random objects, places, and mathematical practices?  Oh well…  My point is that this lady wears a heckuva lotta American-themed crap.  And yet, when I look at this picture, I see an incredibly annoying, over-coiffed, idiotic, clearly insane, backwards, homophobic bitch-face who is also wrapped in an American flag.

THE REPUBLICAN DEBATE

Look at all these jerks.  Only four of them wore flag pins!?!?!?!  What? How dare they spit in the face of America like this?  A flag pin is everything, especially if you’re a Republican.

Remember the last election, when Obama wasn’t wearing a flag pin on his lapel and people kept saying that it proved he was a terrorist and a socialist.  I just don’t get why these dumbasses don’t see that they need to be so American it comes out of their eyeballs and leaks onto their lapels.  Duh!

Everyone is crazy.  America is just a country that we live in; it does not need to be on all of our belongings.

20 Things I Wish I Could Ask on a First Date

I wish I could ask a lot of questions on first dates, rather than finding this information out later and when it’s far too late.  There are simply too many guessing games when you begin dating, and being able to interrogate each other would really help.  Perhaps online dating is better in the sense that you know certain things ahead of time…  That said, here are the 20 questions I most wish I could ask on first dates and get truthful answers:
  1. Do you live with your parents?  If yes, why?   If this person is over 24, they better have a real damn good reason for living with mama and papa.
  2. How many people have you slept with?  Were you careful or careless?  You gotta avoid the dirty ones.  Plus, the bigger the number, the lower the standards.  Why so many?  Why so few?  This question teaches you so much.
  3. Do you have any STDs/STIs?  DEAL BREAKER
  4. Are you pro-gay rights? And, does anything about the LGBT community make you uncomfortable?   I could not be more pro-gay.  I need someone who is comfortable with and supportive of all things LGBT.
  5. How much time do you actually spend playing video games/watching sports/”Intervention”/”Entourage”/some other obsession?  Know thy enemy.  In this case, you just want to know what you are competing with for their time.  If they regularly stay up all night to watch this or play that, you should get to know now.
  6. Are you an asshole/douchebag/shithead/dick/jerkface?  DEAL BREAKER
  7. Are you afraid of the outdoors, the country, nature and all things rural?  I’m a country girl.  I like camping.  I like hiking in the woods.  I like trees and hills and lakes and rivers.  City slickers beware.
  8. What’s really more important: sex or love?  Compare priorities prior.
  9. Do you enjoy dancing foolishly, or do you feel foolish dancing?  I am not afraid of looking like a weirdo, are you?
  10. Do you fight fair?  Ladies and gentlemen shouldn’t be dating people who go crazy by saying and doing awful things to their partners when they fight.  It is not cool to call each other hurtful names, to throw low-blows, to hit (whether wall or person), to break things, to intimidate, and to lie.  Settle down.  Everyone bickers.
  11. Do you love, hate, mock, or feel ashamed about “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” “Harry Potter,” “MST3K,” “Angel,” and other amazing, nerdy things?  Again, I am a nerd.  Deal with it.
  12. Would you kill a spider for me?  How scared are you?
  13. Do you make enough money to pay for dinner half the time?  If not, you need a new job.  I’m not looking for a rich person, but I do want to be able to expect that you’ll pay for at least half of our dates.  I’ll pay the other half, obviously.
  14. How often do you read books – not magazines, papers, or blogs?  I read a little of all, but a lot of the book things.  Compatibility is important, y’all.
  15. How often do you brush your teeth and floss?  My chompers are important, and so is your breath.
  16. Is your mom a bitch?   I ask this because it scares me when people think this about their mamas; unless of course, their mom is just especially awful, then they have a point.
  17. Do you have any children?  DEAL BREAKER
  18. Who is god to you?  I gotta watch out for the crazies!
  19. What are the main differences between men and women?  Watch out for sexist answers!
  20. How big is it?  …  No, not that; I meant your ego.

Red, White, and Screwed

I took the title for this post from one of my favorite stand-up comedians, Lewis Black (are you surprised?). It seemed appropriate for the new attitude I keep seeing on the news and in my community.

Let me begin with this article from the L.A. Times, because everything about it makes me angry. Infuriated, in fact. Called “The Upside to Being ‘Poor'” (yes, poor is in scare quotes there), it highlights what it calls “stereotype-shattering” facts about America’s poor, like the fact that roughly 42% own their own home, most have microwaves and flat screen TVs, and a lot of poor kids have Xboxes. An article from the website good.is gives an interesting counter-perspective to this, in which the writer sought out the prices for many of the goods mentioned in the Times article, and found he could buy them all for roughly $375.

But beyond this, what is more disturbing is the “screw everyone else” attitude that Americans seem to be taking toward each other. Rather than feeling bad for a family of four that somehow scrapes by on $22,000 a year (I make $14,000 as a single person and find living a middle class lifestyle extremely difficult, which is essentially what the Times article is arguing that having a tv, microwave, etc. amounts to–because it’s not ‘being poor’), we say, You’re Not Poor Enough! When asked if a man without insurance should be left to die in a hypothetical situation, audience members at the CNN-Tea Party Republican Debate yell, “YEAH!!!!” We applaud Gov. Rick Perry’s capital punishment of over 250 people in Texas, and virtually say, Die, Fellow Citizens, Die! We have eliminated collective bargaining rights for teachers and other public servants (see Wisconsin); we say, Screw you, greedy teachers, you don’t have real jobs! To the firefighters and police officers who risked their lives to run toward a set of burning, collapsing skyscrapers in the middle of Manhattan and who worked for months at the site of what was perhaps one of the most horrific moments of American history to search for survivors and the remains of the dead, we say, We don’t want to pay for your cancer treatment after you inhaled months’ worth of all kinds of carcinogenic debris to save lives!

This is a non-partisan question that I am raising here: why have we all taken up the attitude of “screw you” toward our fellow citizens? It is a question of American collective pride and support. It’s a question about who we are as a people, a society, a nation, when to our most vulnerable, hardest working, most deserving people, the ones that deserve our pity, our respect, or our help, we instead say “Screw You.”

Just think about it.

And hope you’re not at this point by the time you’re done.