When Kate and Patty (Almost) Got in a Bar Fight

When Kate and Patty were seniors in college (yes, we both have degrees – with HONORS, y’all), we wrote theses on various portions of English literature.  Kate’s thesis was really, really amazing.  Patty received credit for hers.

To celebrate finishing their behemoth essays, aka mini-books, aka hundreds of lost hours, the girls through a party.  They invited everyone in their cohort – all 11 people!  Kate drank some reasonable amount of alcohol, Patty had seven flasks of cheap whiskeys before they left the house, and she held it like a boss.  Everyone got pretty shitty and it was great.

This is what Kate and Patty wore.  They did not plan it, but they both wore skinny jeans, tanks, and black blazers.  Why?  Because they were so tired and skinny jeans with blazers always look good.  ALWAYS.  Plus, blazers force a person to stand upright more than they might otherwise; this is very helpful when tired and/or drinking.

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At one point, one of the amazing ladies of the cohort left and brought everyone burritos.  She smuggled them in her purse and the group ate them gratefully, greedily, and a little sloppily.  She even knew to make certain ones vegetarian.

At some point after Patty forced Kate to take shot called a “Blowjob” (she was very mature at 21), the girls realized that one of their friends was missing from the table.  The signs were all there…  A sleep-deprived English major without Irish blood had been drinking all night.  They knew she would be barfing somewhere.  But, where?

(suspense builds)

Turns out, she was in the first place they looked – the bathroom.

Kate and Patty bravely walked into the bathroom and promptly saw two cute little strappy heels sticking out from a stall.  There she was.  “Are you okay?” we asked with genuine concern.  She apologized and told us to leave, but we stayed and kept trying to convince her to let us help.  “Open the stall.  We’ll bring you some water.  Come one, let us in.”  She kept telling us to go.  She was embarrassed and largely coherent, but we pressed on offering help in our adorable blazers of questionable dressiness.

Here’s the scene: Kate is standing outside the stall, trying to reason with an intoxicated friend.  Patty, the far drunker of the two, was sitting on the ground, rubbing the calf of their friend, and also trying to gain access to her.  They just wanted to get her some water.  This was not a clean bathroom.  Oh, and it was a MONDAY.

Then, the weirdest thing happened.

Two young-ish women burst from a stall from the other side of the “Ladies” room.  One was clearly the alpha-friend, while the other had been marginalized to the “hype woman” of the pair.  The louder, more boldly dressed of the two began yelling quite aggressively at Kate and Patty.

She screamed, “Why don’t you care about your friend?  You shoulda been down here, taking care of her.  You don’t care!  You’re bad friends!”

Kate and Patty were like… “Uhh… We are here taking care of our friend…”

Screaming woman: “You’re bad friends.  She’s alone.  She just barfed!”

Screaming woman’s hype woman: “Yeah!”

Kate and Patty: “When she left to go to the restroom she didn’t announce, ‘I might barf!’, she just went downstairs.  She hasn’t been here that long.”

Screaming woman: “Ahhh [I feel like yelling at strangers, and you’re the only people here.  I heard a girl barf and now it’s your fault.] Ahhh!”

Screaming woman’s hype woman: “Yeah!”

Kate: “Back off!  You’re not involved in this.”

Drunk Patty: “Why is anyone yelling?  You don’t need to be angry.  We’re all just concerned about our friend.  It’s all good.  It’s alllll good.”

Screaming woman (likely to Kate): “Why do you think you’re so gangster?  Why do you think you’re Eminem’s sister?”

Screaming woman’s hype woman: “Mmm Hmm!”

 

Kate: “What the … ?”

Screaming woman (likely to Kate): “Why do you think you’re so gangster?  Why do you think you’re Eminem’s sister?”

Screaming woman’s hype woman: “Mmm Hmm!”

Drunk Patty: “We’re wearing blazers!”

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Kate: “No one thinks we’re gangster.”

Screaming woman (likely to Kate): “Why do you think you’re so gangster?  Why do you think you’re Eminem’s sister?”

Screaming woman’s hype woman: “Yeah!”

Kate and Patty: (sensing danger) “We don’t want to fight you.”

Screaming woman (likely to Kate): “Why do you think you’re so gangster?  Why do you think you’re Eminem’s sister?”

Screaming woman’s hype woman: “Yeah!”

The quietest person alive/Kate and Patty’s drunk friend: “SHUT THE FUCK UP.  THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.”

Kate and Patty and everyone: “Holy crap.”

Screaming woman:  “You wanna go?”

Screaming woman’s hype woman: “Yeah, fuck you.”

Kate: “Fuck this.”

And then Kate climbed under the stall and pulled Drunk Patty in to safety.  Everyone was okay and we got a great story out of it.

Also, those burritos were good.

Bitch’s Guide to New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve can be bad or great, but it’s probably going to be bad.  If you are a bitch, or you like bitches, or you think bitches are funny… here are some tips.  Enjoy!

1.  Shoes.  Wear shoes that you feel comfortable in all night.  You have to spend all of the hours up to midnight and beyond in shoes.  People will be drunk and there will be broken glass.  You cannot walk around barefoot.  You cannot walk home barefoot.  You must wear your shoes.  Don’t be “that girl” who spends the whole night whining about her friggin’ feet.  Don’t be the girl who can’t walk in her shoes.  You know the one.  The one who scuttles from place to place and must perch wherever she lands.  The one cannot actually walk without tripping.  The one who topples into the bathroom to re-apply her lipgloss.  Don’t be that girl.

2.  Booze.  Remember, you will be drinking for a long time on this Eve of the New Year.  Your body will be exposed to so much.  You should invest in mid-level liquor – at least.

3.  Shots, specifically.  Keep count.  Even if it means you have to take a sharpie to your arm (a mark for each drink), you must track your drinking.  You are in for a long night, so you gotta have a plan.

4.  Food.  Bitch, you gotta eat!  If you eat nothing, you will pass out.

5.  Cleavage.  This really depends on what kind of bitch you are.  It’s New Year’s Eve, so go nuts.  Show off your boobies.  Get slutty.  Do whatever.  As a really bitchy bitch, I really don’t care what other bitches are wearing on New Year’s Eve.  It’s like Halloween… Free pass.

SO MUCH CLEAVAGE.

6.  Dates.  If you bring a date to a New Year’s Eve party, make sure he/she isn’t a dumbass, can hold his/her liquor, and that your date can dance.  There will be WOO-WOOs.  Make sure they are ready.  Don’t be the girl with a lame-ass date.  Go solo if it comes to that.

7.  Boyfriends.  If you bring your boyfriend or girlfriend, they SHALL NOT GET SHITTY.  They shall bring mints and make out with you at midnight.  They shall bring you drinks.  They shall dance appropriately.  THE BOYFRIENDS SHALL BE FUN.

8.  Dancing.  Please do as little grinding as possible.  Please whip your hair.  Please shake it good.  Please do some work out there.  Sweat it up.  Do yo’ thang.

9.  Tampons.  Someone will need a tampon – it might be you.  Just bring a damn tampon.  You’ll be someone’s hero and it will feel great.  Good for you.

10.  Bi-Curiousness.  You gotta kiss somebody at midnight.  I’m not here to judge that part of you.

11.  Hats.  Party hats are fucking annoying.  Do not make anyone wear one.  If you want to wear one, that’s great… It tells the rest of us that you’re a dumb ass.  Seriously, suck it.  Hats are sucky.

12.  Driving.  You will be drinking.  Just get a cab.  Your only other option is to crash where you are.  The likelihood of someone staying sober enough to be the DD later on is low.

13.  Glitter.  A little glitter goes a long way.  If you’ve got a sparkly dress, maybe cool it on the bling and the white/silver eyeshadow.  Be sparkly, but don’t try to imitate the NYE Times Square ball.  You don’t need 10,000 blinking lights to be beautiful.  Also, if you do happen to over-glitter, it will get on EVERYONE.  I don’t want to wear your damn glitter, so stay the hell away, Ke$ha!

14.  Underpants.  Just wear them.  Underpants are always, always worth a panty-line.  Don’t be the girl without underpants on.  We don’t want to see your hoo-ha.  Anyone interested in your hoo-ha will happily wait to see it.  Seriously, I don’t want to see a single baby-factory on the dance floor or getting out of a cab.  We all have underwear.  Wear yours.

15.  The Midnight Kiss.  Just go for it, bitches.

Get Sick with Me

Being in a relationship while being sick means likely exposing one’s partner to that sickness.  It means that if you spend any time together, the non-sick party is signing up to get sick.  Love is a game of sacrifice.

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If your significant other is ill, you might be asking yourself how you will get out of touching them, kissing them, caring for them, etc.  Well, you can’t.

Basically, if you have the flu, your girlfriend will get the flu.  If you have strep throat, your boyfriend is probably going to get strep throat.  This is yet another reason that being in a relationship with an adult is a lot like having a child.  It’s pretty annoying… but I guess it’s sort of worth it.  I guess.

There is just so much risk involved.  Once you’ve been dating someone for a while, you’re sort of obligated to kiss them hello and goodbye.  Heck, you need to kiss them if they bring you water, or cook dinner, or tell you something nice, or if they had a bad day, or to apologize.  There are so many reasons you might want to or feel obligated to kiss them.  You kind of have to kiss your significant other even if they’re covered in boils and snot while coughing and feverishly wandering the halls of their home.  As their significant other, it’s your job.

What does this mean?  This means, you have to suck it up, kiss them on the face, and hope you’ve built up an immunity.

Will you risk kissing them?

Will they kiss you?

Will you regret splitting that malted milk at the drive-in theater?

Because you love your significant other and they love you, you will also have to care for them – at least a little – while they are sick.  Unless you are willing to lose your relationship, you just have to take the risk of getting ill by bringing them soup, hugging them, helping them get to and from the doctor’s office, and so on.  They would do it for you.  Do it for them.  They’ll really appreciate it.  If they don’t, they might be terrible.