Horrible Realization: I’m Too Old for Cheap Beer

When I was in college, I could drink like a fish.  I put huge douchey dudes to shame with my incredible ability to chug, handle, and hold my cheap liquor and beer.  I preferred nicer beer, even in those days, but I wasn’t about to turn down a few dozen free cans of Natty Light or PBR.  You just don’t do that in college.  You drink what you are given… You know, if it’s not from a very shady source.  Hell, even if it is shady, you might consider it if it’s totally free.  I mean, you’re supposed to be poor in college.  Why not enjoy cheap-ass bear?

College students love beer.

Everyone loves beer.

However, not everyone can drink cheap beer like 20-year-olds.

Once graduation occurs, and you move on graduate school or perhaps a real-life, grown-up job with benefits and a salary and everything, your lifestyle inherently changes.  It just does.  Life is very different after college.  Now, instead of just wanting to get drunk and maybe get a date or two out of some dude/lady, you are actually talking about relationships and even….  MARRIAGE.  Well, maybe just long-term or like… living together or something.  You’re still figuring that part out.  Anyways…

Life after graduation is quite an adjustment.  It takes some g.d. time, y’all.  And that’s okay.

There are many lessons a post-graduate must learn, and one of the first I learned…  Nah, actually the most obvious one I learned, was that I cannot drink the way and the crap I once could.  I’m a grown-up now, and Natty Lite ain’t gonna cut it.

When you start to get old, your body can’t handle the vinegar/acid/gasoline contained in cheap beer.  At least, the body can’t handle it at the same level.  When a body is young and virile, it can fight off the poisons of cheap beer – the pee in Busch Light or the dirt in Natural Ice.  When a body gets older, it starts to give up on dying and it wants to live.  Cheap beer wants to kill you and your body.  Old bodies know better.  They demand good beer.

Older bodies also don’t want you to make them suffer with yucky beer.  I learned this the hard way.

I have now learned, once and for all, that I am now too old to drink a whole bunch of crappy beer.  My body hates it.  My body wants to be a temple instead of a garbage can.  I must obey.

Until very recently, I was entirely immune to hangovers.  I had only once had a hangover, and it was after a week of no-sleep and then heavy, celebratory drinking.  You can read about a lot that night in the post, “When Kate and Patty (Almost) Got in a Bar Fight.”  With that one exception, I have been a total boss.  This has annoyed many people.  Understandably so…  Hangovers suck.  Now that I’m a little older, I’m starting to catch them.

After a night of drinking… we’ll say “some” beers, I have started to feel a little less-than-great the next morning.  Therefore, I must accept that I’m now too old for drinking cheap beer like a college-kid.

Damn.

Cat Hair Knows Your Weaknesses

I am very allergic to cats. Like hives and tears and asthma allergic to hats and their ever-present, gravity-defying, follow-you-to-your-grave hair.

For those who share my allergy, there is a rule about a cats and allergies. The cats know. When a cat sensing that you are ignoring him/her, that cat wants to touch you, rub up on you, win you over, etc., and that cat will stop at nothing to get hair all over you. See, cats like playing hard to get. Thus, when a human plays hard to get (or in this case, a game of oh-god-is-that-a-cat? – I-really-hope-that-cat doesn’t-touch-my-coat), the cat is intrigued and maybe even offended.

The cat thinks, “How dare this lowly human not worship my glowing mane? I will use my cutest cuddles, my most vicious head rubs, and my most purring meow to get this stupid human to love me. And when he/she does, I’ll leave her/him in the lurch. Mwa! Ha! Ha!”

Meanwhile, Mrs. Allergy-Pants is thinking, “Why is that cat staring at me? What do you want from me, cat? Yes, I get that you’re adorable and swift, but please don’t rub yourself on my pants. Is that my coat!? Get off my coat… Why, cat? Why?”

Cats want to ignore you.

Cats don’t want to be ignored.

Cats are constantly playing hard to get. If you try and pull that, they do not like it. That’s the cat’s move, man. Get your own move.

The other possible answer, of course, is that cats can sense these allergies and enjoy torturing humans. Thus, when they sense that a person is allergic, they attack. It is highly possible that they are simply malicious and clairvoyant. They see a weakness, and so they act upon.

I have always felt that cats had the capacity for evil. You know they do.

 

 

I don’t care, but now I know. Pop Culture Edition!

Here are a list of things I don’t care about, but I know now.  Now, you get to know too.

  1. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up.  She dumped him.  He is not coping well.
  2. Justin Bieber’s pants are absurd.  See AMA performance.  (Google it yourself.)
  3. David Petraeus is a man whore.  Info.
  4. Snooki has a baby.
  5. Mitt Romney’s family is huge.  See photo below.
  6. Jessica Simpson looks great.  She lost all the baby weight.  Here.  Also, photo below.
  7. That reminds me, Jessica Simpson had a baby girl and named her Maxwell.  Maxwell.
  8. Apparently, Nicki Minaj might have butt implants.  I’m pretty neutral on this.  I will not research it.  Feel free.
  9. Taylor Swift cut her hair, or wore a wig.  Here.
  10. James Bond is a sexist and probably a rapist.  “What a shock!,” said no one.  This is just so disappointing.

Romney Clan:

 

Jessica Simpson:

Quit Droppin’ Yer G’s

Dropping the “g” in words that end in “-ing” is often associated with being “folksy,” “common,” a “regular joe,” so to speak. Often you’ll hear politicians drop the “g” when speaking to crowds in what has been dubbed “real America” (which is really just a bastardization of “rural America” and no more or less “real” than any other part of the nation). Sarah Palin, perhaps, is one of the most notorious G-droppers, but Obama does this, too. I get the political benefits of G-dropping, but that doesn’t make it any better in principle. Let’s face it: people on TV dropping the “g” are all pretty well educated–some excellently so–and you’re not fooling anybody with half a cerebellum. You aren’t folksy. Drop the act. Quit your pandering.

Unfortunately, this G-dropping isn’t solely the domain of politicians anymore. I see this on the local news all the time. On the national news. On cable news. Everybody wants to sound like Joe Schmo because they think it will earn them viewers or support. And shame on us if it does; seriously, shame on us for facilitating the rapid spread of stupid or anti-education. You would think that defunding public schools and sitting our kids in front of crap TV and video games for ten hours a day would have been enough, but no. We need to make already intelligent people sound, look, and eventually act dumb, too. People are now publicly shamed as “elitists” if you choose to sound like a cognizant being aware of something other than the 24 hour bombardment of bullshit from all corners of the earth. Rationality has been denigrated in favor of violent, hyperemotional, non-sensical response, because that’s what we learn when we watch people arguing with each other on every channel. Whether it’s CNN or the Real Housewives of Bumblefuck, everybody is screaming at the top of their lungs at everyone else. We have never been good at listening; usually we just wait until the other person shuts up so we can seem polite when we begin to babble incessantly about our own concerns, but that feigned politeness has even dropped to the wayside. Now we’ve all just said “fuck it!” and are screaming over the top of everybody else. The loudest, most violent, most obnoxious people, and only they, are or can be heard.

I pose this as the bigger question in relation to the American political landscape: who actually wants to vote for somebody who sounds like the guy who lives next door and spends ten hours a week guzzling Budweiser while mowing his lawn with his tricked out John Deere? Do I trust that this person can manage economic, social, and international political concerns effectively? Can we, as a nation, agree that sounding and acting dumb/uninformed/folksy is not as valuable as sounding (and being) smart, confident, and educated? I’m so tired of stupid being cool. Stupid isn’t cool. Stupid is stupid.

Look Before You Squat: One Woman’s Advice on Toilet Seats

Ladies, look before you sit.  This seems to have reached epidemic levels.  Ladies’ lady parts are plunging themselves into toilets because they aren’t looking before plopping their naked asses on seats other people pee on.  This is something I, as a lady, find confusing.  You see, I’m quite protective of my bum and genitals, thus I look before I squat.

I always have, and thus, I have never fallen into the toilet.  I am really tired of hearing women complain about men leaving the seat up like they’re being attacked and/or disrespected.  Someone just forgot.  It’s like if someone left a seat cushion off a couch…  but you’d probably see that first, and then put it back before setting your rear end on it.  How is this a guy’s responsibility?  You should be more concerned about your own bum.  You should care more.  You shouldn’t feel so entitled.  Also, it’s just a damn toilet seat.  Just move it.  You’ll have to wash your hands either way.

Yes, I think it makes sense for the person who originally moved the seat to move it back, but who gives a crap?  (Pun SO, SO intended.)

Just look.  You’re putting your naked butt (which is really close to you genitals) on something AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LOOK?

Just look.  What if there’s pee on the seat?  What if someone else’s pubes are on the seat?  Wouldn’t you want to check for that anyway?  Wouldn’t you also want to make sure there’s TP while you’re at it.  Just look.

On Graduation

Maybe this is you.

This is probably what your college is doing now.

 

Maybe this is your current situation.

 

You probably feel a little like this.

 

We hope it feels like this.

15 Reasons Your Waitress Hates You

    1. She knows you’ll give her a shitty tip.
    2. You’ve hit on her.  She’s not interested.
    3. You grabbed her ass.  Really?
    4. You will continue your cell phone conversation while we are taking your order.  Then, you’ll hold up your hand to her, so that she doesn’t interrupt.  
    5. There are kids with you.  Oh, god.  Leave your badly behaved kids at home. 
    6. You will make her say how cute your evil kids are while they are pouring out their food and breaking everything.  Thank you.
    7. You’re blaming her for food you don’t like, or prices you don’t like.  She didn’t cook it.  She didn’t price it.
    8. Your specialty order is out of control.  You want extra onions, no olives, extra cheese, no salsa, replace the beans with fish, replace the salt with ice cream…  Something will be missed in the kitchen.  You will flip out.  
    9. You didn’t tell her about your food allergy until after she brought out your food.  “Oh, does this bread have wheat in it?  I’m allergic.”  If you have an allergy to wheat or gluten, don’t order a sandwich.  If you have an apple allergy, don’t order the apple pie.  Consider these rules.
    10. You complain about the meal, after you eat all of it.  Well, she could have tried to fix that… but okay.
    11. You ask for extra napkins four times.  You’re eating a hamburger.  How many friggin’ napkins do you need?  
    12. You will claim there is something wrong with your diet coke.  She knows that there is nothing wrong.  She will either 1) walk to the back, pause, and bring the same drink back to you, and you will say it tastes better, OR 2) will walk to the same machine which filled your glass last time, dump it out, then refill it, and suddenly, you will like it.  Either way, it’s the same.  You have wasted her time.
    13. You won’t leave when you’re done.  She wants to put new people in your table.  New people who will pay her more.  You are costing her money.
    14. She is stereotyping you based on age and the people you’re with.  Super young = bad tip.  Super old = bad tip.  Bunch of ladies = bad tip.  Bunch of douchey guys = good tip.  First date = good tip.  Super drunk = either super bad or stupid good.  Bitches/Assholes = likely a stiff.
    15. Oh, right.  THE BAD TIP THING.  For the record, 15% is base minimum.  20% for good service.  10% if the waitress attacked you, forgot your food, insulted your hair, hit on your husband, poured whiskey on your dress…

On Napping – An Insomniac’s Confusion

Hello.  I am an insomniac.  I do not nap.  I don’t understand napping.  I barely understand sleeping.  Napping is confusing.  How do people sleep during the day?  My freshmen year roommate (who is amazing, by the way) was a champion napper.  I was always so impressed by her ability to randomly fall asleep when the sun was still shining, people were still running about, and while her mind was still buzzing away.  I have trouble sleeping in the dead of night, without distractions.  I truly cannot understand how people can settle down enough to sleep before nightfall.  I have only ever napped when very, very ill.  I also went through a phase when I was sleeping only about two hours per night… During that period, I did occasionally fall asleep randomly, but that was more like dying briefly because my body was so close to death.

It was like this:

Everyone else is adorable when they nap.  They look normal and together.  They look very grateful for the rest.  They are simply overjoyed to be asleep.  They look like this:

Recently, I was compelled to sleep more, and also to nap in a normal way.  I experienced this strange day-sleep on Sunday (the fun day of some), and it was confusing, but beautiful.  I had a few dreams.  The rain lulled me in and out of my sleepiness.  I awoke with fabric lines on my face and arms.  In some ways it was glorious, but it was also largely confusing.  Basically, my boyfriend is a sleep magician, a nap sensei.  He’s a champion sleeper, too.

What is this napping?  How does it work?  How did I do it?  What?

Napping seems like an art form I cannot understand, or a language I don’t speak.  Shouldn’t people be productive during the day and sleepy at night (or in my case, awake all day and weirdly productive at night)?  I guess, I’m just a weird freak.  I just don’t sleep.  I want to sleep.  I just don’t get it.

Lessons in Being Illogical, or How to Make a Worthless and Stupid Argument

Although I now live about 500 miles from my hometown, I try to keep up on somewhat-local news there. I follow the local paper on Twitter as part of this effort. On my bus ride today, I ran across a tweet of a letter to the editor, and it read as follows:

If gas prices keep going up the way they are, and are supposed to hit a projected $5 by summer, how are people going to afford to even leave their house?

I have a cabin on Secord Lake, by Gladwin, and my parents are already talking about selling their boat. Hauling the boat back and forth from our house to the cabin will be way too costly, and leaving it at the cabin and paying for the gas on the water will be insane.

I don’t think the government realizes how much gas prices affect the middle and lower class people of this country. Something needs to be done about it very soon.

In the past two years at Secord Lake, the houses/cabins for sale have been rising drastically. It is very sad to go up there and see all these places for sale when in reality it is mostly due to the high gas prices and people not being able to afford it.

Doesn’t the government want us to spend money and get the economy going again? Well, lower the gas prices and let us live a little.

I will try to avoid the politics of this by focusing on the stupidity of this argument. Essentially, this dude is saying that the government should lower gas prices so he can take his parents’ boat up to his cabin on a lake in the middle of Michigan. Pursuing a career in academia makes me a hawk for poorly presented arguments (I deal with crappy arguments in student papers and try to get them to think in more sophisticated ways than you see presented above. Sadly, no one did this for our friend up there.), and thus, I give you flaws on two levels: logic and audience.

First, logic. Since when does the government magically control gas prices? This letter makes it appear as if some entity called the U.S. Government can wave a wand and lower gas prices, rather than taking into account the complicated environmental and geopolitical factors that affect the price of gas (e.g. threats to the Suez Canal, dealing with Iran, general fear about unrest in the middle east that drives oil speculation through the roof, etc. etc.). I was talking with my boyfriend about this, and I think he put it most eloquently: “The U.S. Government doesn’t control the world.” Furthermore, because I assume this is the kind of guy who whines about how the Democrats have ballooned the government in the past four years (I will save my disagreement for another time), this assumes that the government is so big, so powerful, that it can (and should!) control other countries’ behavior(s) and control the economy on this particular issue. Just not your behavior or economic issues you decide are not regulable.

My second gripe here is audience. This guy obviously self-identifies as “middle class” and lumps himself in with “lower class” folks within the bounds of his argument. I hate to point this out, but this guy has two homes. He has a regular house and a cabin that is obviously some distance away, since the crux of his gripe is that he has to pay too much for gas to get there. Additionally, he has a boat. Or at least his parents do. Really? If you’re going to make an argument about the dire situation of gas prices, I really don’t think it serves you well to base your complaint on the fact that you may need (want?) to sell your boat because it’s too expensive to use it and you can’t go to your second home as often as you’d ideally like. If he had, perhaps, expressed concern about people being able to afford gasoline for their cars to just get to work, then I think we’d be maybe on to something–except for the fact that gas prices were this high at the end of George Bush’s term in office, as well, and really has little to do with drilling, as we’ve increased domestic oil production in the last four years so much so that we export more gas than we import.

I suppose asking people to be logical when considering political issues could be too much, but considering the audience you’re playing to should be a pretty basic step in political discussions. This is why Mitt Romney sounds, as Rachel Maddow has put it, a bit like Thurston Howell when he forgets he’s talking to people who don’t make ass loads of money every year and don’t, for example, own NASCAR teams. Even Gingrich and Santorum are better at considering audience than Mitt.

I guess I’m just saying try not to sound like Thurston Howell III when you’re trying to complain about the price of gas, ’cause it makes you sound like a douchebag.

Never fear, Lovey, we'll not sell our boat!

Everyone Poops…

Everyone poops, sometimes even while they’re at work.

Where I work, there seems to be outrage about people pooping.  Because it’s at work, pooping is crime.  What?  Why?  Look, I am not a fan of walking into a recently defiled restroom area, but sometimes people just need to go potty and I feel good about that.  We’re all here for 8 hours.  What if someone suddenly realizes they need to go at 10:00 AM?  Are they really supposed to hold it until 5:00 PM?

One of the women I work with came back from a bathroom break in horror – her eyes were blank, her face had lost its color.  She was in shock.  When we inquired, “What happened?”

She said, “Someone was going #2 in the bathroom.  Oh my god.  I want to barf.”  Most of the other people around us agreed that what she had just been through was truly horrific.  She was consoled by their outrage and genuine sympathy.  How dare a person poop in a public restroom?  How offensive?  How outrageous?  They were all so offended.   No one stopped to think that maybe that pooper was not excited about having to go #2 at work, but sometimes the body does what the body wants.  Have these people never dealt with a bought of unwanted gas?

Meanwhile, I was thinking, “Sure, I don’t want to experience that, but it’s a bathroom… so… it doesn’t seem all that weird.”  Someone pooping in a bathroom is not novel to me. It’s normal.  That’s where we’re supposed to do that.

I just don’t understand why this society is in denial of poop (by the way, that would be a terrifying name for a river…).  We all do it.  It’s going to happen.  Chill out.

It’s just not healthy to hold that in all day.  It’s not like people are maniacally planning to ruin other people’s bathroom experiences, they are just people who got to work, and thought… “Oh crap, I have to poop.”  Then, they poop.  They poop at work.  They are trying to be discreet.  They are trying to be quiet.  They run down to that weird bathroom in the basement.  They don’t want you to know.
No one wakes up in the morning and decides they want to poop at work.  That’s not a thing.  People don’t do that on purpose.  You don’t decide when to get hungry, when to sneeze, when you’ll need to pee, or when you’ll need to poop.

They call it “Going to the bathroom,” for a reason.  That reason is because it’s stuff you do in a bathroom.  That’s where they are.  Get over it.