You Resisted Posting a Dramatic Facebook Status: Congrats, You’re a Grown Up Now

What happened?

You were feeling pretty rough last night, maybe even crying and flipping out.  You’re boyfriend/girlfriend/friend/lover-of-an-undefined-nature didn’t text you or call you back in the time you desired.  You were upset and worried and scared and feeling pretty darn vulnerable.  You didn’t feel like calling your friend or the person with whom you were upset.  You logged onto facebook and even started to type a vague and depressing facebook status about trust or love or something else that is stupid.

BUT!

You resisted.  You didn’t post it after all.  Congratulations!  You just might be a grown up.

I’m proud of you.  We’re all proud of you.  So many of our peers (who are far out of high school) post dramatic status updates with vague cries for help attention.  We want to thank you for saying, “NO,” to the absurdity of reaching out to people on facebook.  Facebook is a place for vacation pictures, party invitations, birthday wishes, and advertising one’s blog (ahem).  Facebook is not a place to publicly display all your personal information.

Examples of Good Behavior:

“One time, I felt fat.  I thought about asking all my facebook friends what they thought of my body, but then I realized that would make me an asshole.  Instead, I stared at pictures of models and cried.  Then, I went for a run.  Then, I realized that a size 8 isn’t fat.”

“One time I got a little scared because my lady-pains were not arriving on time.  Did I go to facebook and tell the world that I was freaking out because a little person might have been growing in me?  NO.  I hunkered down, swallowed my fear, and wrote a damn poem.  Then, I got my … monthly gift and realized I was being stupid.  No one ever had to know.”

“When my boyfriend cheated on me, I was pissed.  I wanted to tell everyone.  Then, I realized that would make me look petty and would air my dirty laundry for everyone I went to high school with and my distant relatives.  Instead, I made an OKCupid profile and now I’m dating a really great girl. Booya.”

 

Examples of Bad Behavior:

This:

 

 

 

Example: “No one loves me.” – And now, no one likes you either.

Example: (see below)

Well played, Adam.  Well played.

 

Quit Droppin’ Yer G’s

Dropping the “g” in words that end in “-ing” is often associated with being “folksy,” “common,” a “regular joe,” so to speak. Often you’ll hear politicians drop the “g” when speaking to crowds in what has been dubbed “real America” (which is really just a bastardization of “rural America” and no more or less “real” than any other part of the nation). Sarah Palin, perhaps, is one of the most notorious G-droppers, but Obama does this, too. I get the political benefits of G-dropping, but that doesn’t make it any better in principle. Let’s face it: people on TV dropping the “g” are all pretty well educated–some excellently so–and you’re not fooling anybody with half a cerebellum. You aren’t folksy. Drop the act. Quit your pandering.

Unfortunately, this G-dropping isn’t solely the domain of politicians anymore. I see this on the local news all the time. On the national news. On cable news. Everybody wants to sound like Joe Schmo because they think it will earn them viewers or support. And shame on us if it does; seriously, shame on us for facilitating the rapid spread of stupid or anti-education. You would think that defunding public schools and sitting our kids in front of crap TV and video games for ten hours a day would have been enough, but no. We need to make already intelligent people sound, look, and eventually act dumb, too. People are now publicly shamed as “elitists” if you choose to sound like a cognizant being aware of something other than the 24 hour bombardment of bullshit from all corners of the earth. Rationality has been denigrated in favor of violent, hyperemotional, non-sensical response, because that’s what we learn when we watch people arguing with each other on every channel. Whether it’s CNN or the Real Housewives of Bumblefuck, everybody is screaming at the top of their lungs at everyone else. We have never been good at listening; usually we just wait until the other person shuts up so we can seem polite when we begin to babble incessantly about our own concerns, but that feigned politeness has even dropped to the wayside. Now we’ve all just said “fuck it!” and are screaming over the top of everybody else. The loudest, most violent, most obnoxious people, and only they, are or can be heard.

I pose this as the bigger question in relation to the American political landscape: who actually wants to vote for somebody who sounds like the guy who lives next door and spends ten hours a week guzzling Budweiser while mowing his lawn with his tricked out John Deere? Do I trust that this person can manage economic, social, and international political concerns effectively? Can we, as a nation, agree that sounding and acting dumb/uninformed/folksy is not as valuable as sounding (and being) smart, confident, and educated? I’m so tired of stupid being cool. Stupid isn’t cool. Stupid is stupid.

10 Ways to Test Your Relationship

Relationships are hard, weird, and hopefully great.  Every relationship will be tested naturally, but if you’re looking for ways to see just how strong, or good, or whatever your relationship is, here are some ideas.

1. Ask about porn.  When you do this, make sure to ask about the frequency, type, subject, and any other details you can imagine.  The more you push for details, the more of a test it really will be.  Once you’ve completed asking about this wonderful subject, make  certain you share your interests and preferences just as openly.
2. Road Trip!  Being trapped in a car for hours and hours and hours is a sure-fire way to see if you secretly hate each other.  Plus, if your partner doesn’t shoot you when you scream and startle them upon seeing a spider…  You’re golden.
3. Fart in front of your partner while maintaining eye contact.  I haven’t tried this, but it seems like it would work.
4. Have a really awful day.  Then, hang out.  While it’s hot.  And you’re tired.  Experiment away!
5. Go hiking.  You will quickly learn if you or your partner are whiny, lazy, weepy, weak, annoying, or cool.
6. Debate who is weirder.  This will get ugly fast.  You will see what your partner finds odd and possibly annoying about you.  If you can withstand this, you’ll be alright.
7. Have weird sex.  I don’t care if it’s role play, bondage, blindfolded, exhibitionist, group, or just different – try something a little out of your comfort zone together.  When you do this, you will either build trust and see that you already have a great deal.  OR it will be an awkward mess and perhaps a sign that you should avoid each other forever.  OR maybe it’s bad, but you can both laugh.  It’s a test.  You be the judge.
8. Meet the parents.  What could be more telling than that?  Do you hate your partner’s parents?  Do they hate yours?  Are they creepy together?  Do you feel judged?  It will be awkward, but you can do it… and if you can’t, maybe you’ve failed.
9. Meet the friends.  You will be judged so damn hard.  Get ready.  Get set.  Get to impressing.  Friends will tell it like it is.  You have to impress each other’s friends, or you will ruin each other’s lives.
10. Throw up on your partner’s bedroom floor.  Trust me, this will test you both. Big time.  If your partner simply begins to take care of you, cleans your barf, and then refuses to sleep to maintain surveillance of you and your illness for the night, then they are awesome, and they deserve major rewards.  If they get mad at you and tell you to clean it up, they might be a real dick.  The lover that holds your hair deserve high praise and hella love.

Your Bra Size Is NOT My Concern

Sometimes, I am a loud-mouth.  Still, I have self-control, and an awareness of myself whilst in public places.  A young lady I encountered today was lacking in the whole control area, but she was clearly an expert in loud-mouthery.  Man, oh, man…  She could talk.  LOUD.  She struck me as the kind of person who updates her facebook status at least twice a day; likely about half of those statuses are vague and emotional so that people will ask what’s wrong.  Basically, I’m saying she was really darn annoying.

We were all trapped trying on clothes in the Salvation Army, when some loud-mouthed teen decided to declare her cup-size to us all.  I was not amused.  Here are a few things she exclaimed:

• “I’M ONLY 5’1″ AND MY BOOBS ARE D-CUPS!  D-CUPS, I TELL YOU [and everyone else].”
• “OH MY GOD, STACY.  YOU HAVE TO COME SEE HOW HILARIOUS I LOOK.  MY TITS ARE SPILLING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE.  IT’S RIDICULOUS.”
• “DEFINITELY WHEN I’M DONE LOSING WEIGHT, I’LL BE ABLE TO FIT IN THIS… OF COURSE, THAT’S ONLY IF MY D-CUPS SHRINK! HAHA!  THEY’RE SO BIG!”
• “UGH! I HATE MY D-CUPS!”
• “MY BOOBS ARE SO HUGE.  IT’S SO AWFUL HAVING BOOBS THIS BIG.”
• “BIG BOOBS ARE THE WORST.”
• “NO ONE MAKES CLOTHES FOR BOOBS THIS BIG!”

I have a lot of issues with this.  First of all, don’t scream about your boobies in the middle of a store.  It’s one thing to say to your companion, “This won’t fit over my boobs,” or, “Haha! Look at this.”  It’s very different to share your cup-size like a news announcement.   I promise, no one cares as much as you do.  You can share the moment with your friend, but you don’t need to share it with everyone else.  There are kids around, and old folks, and folks who just have normal levels of privacy…  They don’t care.

Also, they do make clothes for big boobs.  As a lady with boobs EVEN BIGGER than yours, I can assure you that I wear clothing that I do not make.  Therefore, some clothing has to fit over boobs of that stature.  Yes, it is harder to find button-ups, bathing suits, dresses, and tanktops, but you learn to deal.  Big boobs happen.  Big shirts happen too.  You just have to accept that you can’t fit into anything and everything… You know, like everyone else.

Another thing, most people don’t want to hear complaints about big boobs.  Big boobs get a lot of press and a lot of love.  Maybe don’t whine in front of all the A-Cups and B-Cups of the world.  They’re hatred of you and your D-Cups could penetrate your skull and crush you at any moment.  Stop complaining.  You’ll be fine.

Maybe I’m just a cranky old lady, but I just don’t want to hear about a stranger’s boobs from across the store.

Do you think Christina Hendricks screams, “HOW WILL I FIT MY CRAZY-HUGE TITTAYS IN THIS OUTFIT?!” every time she tries to buy a tanktop?  No.  She does not.  Christina Aguilera doesn’t either.  Some ladies have big boobies.  Every single person who sees a lady with big boobies will, with a doubt, notice that she has them.  Big boobs are kind of hard to miss.  Therefore, they don’t need to be announced in the Salvation Army dressing rooms.

I’m bringing my AK-47 to the Christmas Party

We are, after all, in a war, right? To save Christmas… Oh, we aren’t?

You’ll excuse my momentary rhetorical strategy of playing dumb, but the idea that there is some sort of ideological war against your Yule log is absurd.

Christmas is pervasive. It’s everywhere. I’ve seen complaints about this being referred to as the “Holiday Season” and otherwise intelligent folks getting all up-in-arms when someone wishes them “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” What gives, people?

I like to wish people a Merry Christmas. Sometimes I wish them a Happy Holiday(s). Sometimes I just say, “Enjoy the Holiday!” Once in a great while I may even pull out the “Happy Christmas.” (That’s only if you’re real lucky). In the past few years, I’ve become accustomed to wishing one half of my family a “Happy Hanukkah/Chanukah.” (Depending on their spelling preference, of course.) This doesn’t mean I’m some kind of Christmas-hating heathen. It just means my world view isn’t dominated by people who only celebrate the same holiday I do in the winter. Happy Holidays is just an easy way of covering all the bases. Instead of assuming someone is a Christian, you can still spread the joy of the season that comprises many holidays for people in all walks of life by saying “Happy Holidays.” You cover Christians, Jews, people who celebrate Kwanzaa, winter solstice-celebrating folks, atheists, and other groups. Instead of asking someone to identify themselves, which takes time and is, quite frankly, kind of rude, you can just wish them “Happy Holidays,” and hope that you made their day a little brighter.

If there’s one thing people need to recognize amidst all the celebrating by gorging ourselves and racking up a bunch of credit card debt on crap we probably don’t need but that makes us happy, is that Christmas has become a secularized holiday in addition to a religious one, and in both worlds the point is to bring joy to other people during a period of celebration (of togetherness, if you’re not religious, and of Jesus’s birth if you’re a Christian). So instead of outlining all the ways you’re different from (and apparently superior to) all the other folks who have holidays to celebrate during this time, maybe you should be more concerned with making sure everyone shares in the joy that marks this time of year by wishing people a happy holiday, whichever one they choose to celebrate.

10 Reasons You’re Being a Driving-Douche

Don’t be a douchebag when you’re driving.

1. Use your turn signal.  It’s not that hard, you asswipe.  Otherwise, you are a mystery to me.  Also, if you are choosing not to use your turn signal, don’t be offended when I assume you’re going straight.  That’s what would make sense…
2. Don’t fucking text.  JUST DON’T.  You’ll die.  I’ll die.  We’ll all die.
3. Unless you’re Sting, no sunglasses at night.
4. If it snowed, you have to clean off your car – that means cleaning ALL THE WINDOWS.  None of this patchy, half-assed, tiny holes of light business, please.  Seriously, you have to be able to see while you drive.  The back window is supposed to be see-through.  Being late is better than dying.  A lot better.  Clean the whole car.  You have two more minutes, I promise.  
5. Yellow lights require stopping when possible.  Please remember this.
6. Right of way is not negotiable, even if you’re late.  Suck it up, and wait your turn.  By the way, when you’re merging, you don’t have right of way.  Sorry.
7. When precipitation comes down, so should your speed.  No one is unbreakable, that was a movie.  Just slow down, you prick.
8. If it’s not raining, snowing, sleeting, etc., maybe you could go the speed limit, or at least let others pass you.  You can chug away at your slow pace, but don’t hold up all of traffic because you’re uncomfortable with the speed normal humans like.
9. If you miss your turn, you must keep driving, and safely turn at the next available street/road/driveway, and you cannot simply slam on your brakes, then cut across every lane of traffic.  Again, safety first, asshole.  Being late = being alive = winner.
10. Turn your lights on whenever… You know what, just keep them on; it’s easier that way.

Take home point: stop being a driving-douche.  Pay attention.  Follow the rules.  Try not to kill or be killed.

Deal?

Unacceptable Behavior (Behaviour, in this case)

Racism is always unacceptable.  Pretty much everything about this crazy, white, and (to her insistence) British lady is unacceptable.  Shall we ban together in hating her?

Fair warning, there is a lot of foul language and this video is VERY offensive.

Ultimately, I really feel bad for her son.  One way to deal with racism is to shame all the racists away so they can’t go on living their lives like this.  They all deserve to be shamed.