10 Things That Make You Sound Like a Major Asshole

  1. “There’s something wrong in this country when gays can openly serve in the military, but ‘our’ children cannot openly celebrate Christmas.”  Rick Perry is an asshole, obviously.  The first problem here is that these two things are not related.  Gay people don’t hate Christmas.  Most Christians who celebrate Christmas also don’t hate or feel threatened by gay people.  Rick Perry is a crazy person who is trying to criminalize homosexuality while hiding behind his religion.  Suck it, Rick.
  2. If you are a dude and you call a girl a tease simply because she wouldn’t bang you for buying her a drink, it’s going to make you sound like an asshole.  Actually, just expecting this to happen (if it you just think it) makes you an asshole.  You don’t even have to say it to anyone.
  3. You just complained that your parents won’t pay for your phone/car/trip/etc.  You’re a grown-up.  You have to buy your own shit, asshole.
  4. You just complained about the phone/car/trip/etc. that your parents bought you.  Only assholes complain about gifts.  This isn’t “My Super Sweet Sixteen;” this is real life.  In real life, if someone buys you a new phone, a car (new or used), or pays for other nice shit for you, you thank them profusely and you keep your mouth shut about the color/brand/make.  It was free to you.  It’s a gift.  Get over yourself, asshole.
  5. You say the following to your friends to help make them more cultured: “Well, I’m not claiming to be an expert, but while I was in Paris/London/Europe/Madrid/etc… All the locals did/said/wore [insert random, judgmental, and terrible idea].”  Unless you’re really being earnest, you probably just made yourself sound like an asshole.
  6. Calling yourself a visionary.  No thanks, asshole.
  7. You complain about what other people are drinking around you.  “Oh god, is EVERYONE drinking Bud Light? Kill me.”  “How can people drink Sam Adams and take themselves seriously?”  “I’m so over beer; now, I just drink artisan wines…”  We get it.  You’re cultured.  No one is forcing you to drink anything, asshole, so shut up and enjoy your $100 hotel-sized bottle of wine.
  8. Your facebook status is about your Hummer/BMW/Mercedes/etc. and how much you hate.  Basically anytime you’re complaining about how rich you are, you sound like a major asshole.  This includes complaining about poor people, protesters, homeless people, and the like.  This also includes being annoyed because your flight to your vacation was delayed, or that your limo wasn’t as big as you expected.
  9. You think a lot of girls are obsessed with you.  Hey asshole, unless you’re Ryan Gosling, you’re wrong.  The only one obsessed with you is you, asshole.
  10. You complain about other ethnicities, nationalities, and races.  You are the major-est, biggest asshole of all.  Congratulations, Captain Asshole!

10 Reasons You’re Being a Driving-Douche

Don’t be a douchebag when you’re driving.

  1. Use your turn signal.  It’s not that hard, you asswipe.  Otherwise, you are a mystery to me.  Also, if you are choosing not to use your turn signal, don’t be offended when I assume you’re going straight.  That’s what would make sense…
  2. Don’t fucking text.  JUST DON’T.  You’ll die.  I’ll die.  We’ll all die.
  3. Unless you’re Sting, no sunglasses at night.
  4. If it snowed, you have to clean off your car – that means cleaning ALL THE WINDOWS.  None of this patchy, half-assed, tiny holes of light business, please.  Seriously, you have to be able to see while you drive.  The back window is supposed to be see-through.  Being late is better than dying.  A lot better.  Clean the whole car.  You have two more minutes, I promise.  
  5. Yellow lights require stopping when possible.  Please remember this.
  6. Right of way is not negotiable, even if you’re late.  Suck it up, and wait your turn.  By the way, when you’re merging, you don’t have right of way.  Sorry.
  7. When precipitation comes down, so should your speed.  No one is unbreakable, that was a movie.  Just slow down, you prick.
  8. If it’s not raining, snowing, sleeting, etc., maybe you could go the speed limit, or at least let others pass you.  You can chug away at your slow pace, but don’t hold up all of traffic because you’re uncomfortable with the speed normal humans like.
  9. If you miss your turn, you must keep driving, and safely turn at the next available street/road/driveway, and you cannot simply slam on your brakes, then cut across every lane of traffic.  Again, safety first, asshole.  Being late = being alive = winner.
  10. Turn your lights on whenever… You know what, just keep them on; it’s easier that way.

Take home point: stop being a driving-douche.  Pay attention.  Follow the rules.  Try not to kill or be killed.


Christmas in October? No, Thanks.

Dear World,

Why are there already Christmas decorations going up?  Why are people (ahem, Justin Bieber) already releasing Christmas albums?  Halloween isn’t even over!

I just don’t have the mental strength for this right now.

I would link to Justin Bieber’s video, but I cannot do that without feeling a little guilty…

My point is simply that it’s too early in the year to be thinking about Christmas.  If you celebrate this holiday so early, you’re going to be miss Halloween and Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is obviously amazing.  Halloween is also amazing.  Costumes make everyone happy; you don’t get costumes on Christmas.  Well, I guess you get a costume if you dress up as Santa… Or if you dress up as Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus.  If so, that’s weird in itself.  Why should we already be ready for Christmas?  It’s in two months?  Wouldn’t you judge me if I started prepping for my July birthday in May?

Enough with the Christmas!

Bitterly yours,


Wearing an American Flag Does Not Mean You’re Patriotic; It Just Means You’re Wearing an American Flag

 Wearing a flag pin on your lapel proves nothing about your patriotism.  All it means is that you purchased a cheap, tiny flag from a cheap, tiny tray of trinkets.  OR It means that your campaign manager found one on the ground and thought you better wear one before everyone accused you of being anti-American.  Apparently, putting a tiny hole in your suit proves your overwhelming commitment to America.  Right, that totally makes sense.  It’s just like how when you’re dating someone and they wear a cheap, tiny pin which prominently displays your face shimmering from their now holey lapel and you think to yourself, “Yes, this proves that this person truly and completely loves me in a mature and adult and reasonable and actual way.  I feel completely comfortable leaving my life and love in their clearly capable hands.”  Right?  It’s all clear proof and evidence of competence.

Wearing a flag pin, or flag t-shirt, or an “America, F*#k Yeah!” shirt obviously proves someone is both patriotic and a competent American politician.


Hey, America!  Look at me!  I’m wrapped in your flagginess, which means I’m a super-qualified candidate for the presidency.  Who wants to vote for me?  Seriously, who wants to vote for me?  Do you want to vote for me?  Please!  Please, someone vote for me…

Sarah Palin is so f’ing patriotic, so f’ing American, she wears entire American flags all up on her body.  That’s right.  A measly lapel pin won’t do it for this mavericky, Russia-watching Alaskan.  In fact, the crazy pants probably wears American flag underpants, American flag bras, uses American flag condoms…   Wait, wait, I’m sorry.  She doesn’t use condoms because those might block “God’s plans” from happening, and if “God’s plans” get blocked, how does the world get more babies named after random objects, places, and mathematical practices?  Oh well…  My point is that this lady wears a heckuva lotta American-themed crap.  And yet, when I look at this picture, I see an incredibly annoying, over-coiffed, idiotic, clearly insane, backwards, homophobic bitch-face who is also wrapped in an American flag.


Look at all these jerks.  Only four of them wore flag pins!?!?!?!  What? How dare they spit in the face of America like this?  A flag pin is everything, especially if you’re a Republican.

Remember the last election, when Obama wasn’t wearing a flag pin on his lapel and people kept saying that it proved he was a terrorist and a socialist.  I just don’t get why these dumbasses don’t see that they need to be so American it comes out of their eyeballs and leaks onto their lapels.  Duh!

Everyone is crazy.  America is just a country that we live in; it does not need to be on all of our belongings.