10 Ways to Test Your Relationship

Relationships are hard, weird, and hopefully great.  Every relationship will be tested naturally, but if you’re looking for ways to see just how strong, or good, or whatever your relationship is, here are some ideas.

  1. Ask about porn.  When you do this, make sure to ask about the frequency, type, subject, and any other details you can imagine.  The more you push for details, the more of a test it really will be.  Once you’ve completed asking about this wonderful subject, make  certain you share your interests and preferences just as openly.
  2. Road Trip!  Being trapped in a car for hours and hours and hours is a sure-fire way to see if you secretly hate each other.  Plus, if your partner doesn’t shoot you when you scream and startle them upon seeing a spider…  You’re golden.
  3. Fart in front of your partner while maintaining eye contact.  I haven’t tried this, but it seems like it would work.
  4. Have a really awful day.  Then, hang out.  While it’s hot.  And you’re tired.  Experiment away!
  5. Go hiking.  You will quickly learn if you or your partner are whiny, lazy, weepy, weak, annoying, or cool.
  6. Debate who is weirder.  This will get ugly fast.  You will see what your partner finds odd and possibly annoying about you.  If you can withstand this, you’ll be alright.
  7. Have weird sex.  I don’t care if it’s role play, bondage, blindfolded, exhibitionist, group, or just different – try something a little out of your comfort zone together.  When you do this, you will either build trust and see that you already have a great deal.  OR it will be an awkward mess and perhaps a sign that you should avoid each other forever.  OR maybe it’s bad, but you can both laugh.  It’s a test.  You be the judge.
  8. Meet the parents.  What could be more telling than that?  Do you hate your partner’s parents?  Do they hate yours?  Are they creepy together?  Do you feel judged?  It will be awkward, but you can do it… and if you can’t, maybe you’ve failed.
  9. Meet the friends.  You will be judged so damn hard.  Get ready.  Get set.  Get to impressing.  Friends will tell it like it is.  You have to impress each other’s friends, or you will ruin each other’s lives.
  10. Throw up on your partner’s bedroom floor.  Trust me, this will test you both. Big time.  If your partner simply begins to take care of you, cleans your barf, and then refuses to sleep to maintain surveillance of you and your illness for the night, then they are awesome, and they deserve major rewards.  If they get mad at you and tell you to clean it up, they might be a real dick.  The lover that holds your hair deserve high praise and hella love.

The World Needs Boring People Too

It took me a long time to realize that the world needs boring people too, even while the world parties.  It really is the case.  If there were only excitable, excited, loud-mouthed, dancing party animals, this world would collapse.  “Boring people” as I used to call them are the responsible ones at parties.  They are actually just quiet people.  Sometimes, even the loud-mouths take a night off to observe, or just read.  Quiet people are important.  They read the room.  They see all the drunkies being drunkies and can preemptively give out water and bread.  They are party-medics.  I want to make sure we’re protecting and supporting these sweet, quiet people.

I didn’t used to understand the quiet people at parties, though I was occasionally one of them.  I used to be annoyed by the hushed folks in corners, those drinking water and forcing it on others, and those who would shy away from vulgar dancing during beer pong, but they’re great.  They’ll bust a move if the song is good enough.  They’ll bring you water.  They’ll bring you blankets when the night is over.  They might even drive you home.  Don’t hate on the quiet people.

That said, party poopers are jerks.  If you don’t want to drink, cool beans.  If you don’t feel like dancing, also fine.  If you want to drink water, you are a smart person.  However, if you are going to a drinking party, don’t judge the people around you for drinking.  The party is focused around drinking, everyone is playing a drinking game.  You’re not above it.  You’re at the party, so don’t be all weird about parties.

Not all quiet people are boring.  Not all quiet people are party poopers.  I just hope our drunk selves can remember that and protect the innocent sober people who would rather be reading, but are sacrificing their Saturdays to take care of their friends.

Thank your DD again, and maybe buy them a taco.

 

The Disappearing Daters, Part 1

The Fade-Away Boyfriend

This is the guy you date for a while, maybe as many as seven or eight dates that all seem normal, even good.  Then, suddenly, the dude stops calling, texting, responding, and a few days later, you realize you’re no longer dating.  He never tells you.  He never says a word about it.  He just disappears.

Occasionally, one of these disappeared-dudes will suddenly reappear.  This is usually after you have accepted the communication silence as a sign that you are no longer dating; thus, it will probably enrage you.  You’ll be all like: “What the hell, dude?  You haven’t talked to me in a month!”  Then, he’ll be all like: “So, wanna go to a play tomorrow?”  Then, you’ll be all like: “No. You haven’t talked to me in a month.” And then he’ll re-disappear.  Everyone will walk away a little confused.

Perhaps we can all agree that relationships expire after 10 days of no contact?

The Missed-Text Fictioner

You text on Tuesday morning.  You receive this text on Wednesday night: “Oh, I didn’t see your text until just now.”

Right, because you don’t carry your phone in your pocket… on which you didn’t update your facebook status… using which you sent no emails.  Right…

Maybe you just don’t want to talk to me?  Just be upfront, weirdo.

This is an amazing meme.

The “I-Lost-My-Phone”-Liar

No you didn’t.

Lots of people claim to have lost phones, which results in losing numbers, not responding, and apparently losing all access to all forms of communication.  In this day and age, that is just not the case.  There are so many computers available, and so many ways to communicate.  If you really wanted to talk to me, you would be talking to me.

If you find yourself dating someone who intermittently loses their phone, or doesn’t see your messages, or forgets to call you, give up on them.  They are in the process of disappearing, and you should get out before you start to care a lot.  You are playing a dangerous game.

The “He-Didn’t-Wow-Me”-Ladypants

Imagine you go on a date with some chick that your friends set up with for a lovely blind-date; it goes pretty well.  Now, imagine you ask that chick on another date, but you never hear back.  You try again.  No response.  Naturally, you ask your friend what the deal is.  Why isn’t this fine little honey calling you back?

Your friend investigates and finds out that the girl was altogether unimpressed with you because you were “clearly not trying to WOW her.”  She apparently was offended that you brought no flowers, no gifts, and that you allowed the date to be paid “dutch” after she asked to pay…  Um…  She did not bring you flowers.  She brought you no chocolates or gifts.  What the hell?

This crazy bizzo actually expected to receive gifts on a first date.  Let this one disappear.  Let her disappear hard.

Your-Name-Makes-Me-Run-Away

Ladies sometimes consider what last name they might take on – if they are straight, plan to marry, and have traditional views on name-changing (or perhaps a terrible last name that they wouldn’t mind losing).  This means that we must consider what a last name could do to us.  If I consider hyphenating my name (last name WHITE), I have to be careful.  If I marry someone whose last name is Powers, or Mann, or Ness, or Powder, or Snow… well, it would be bad.  Seeing as my first name is Patty, I also don’t want to take the last name Cakes, or Hamburg.  I feel it would be bad.

Some girls are so afraid of bad last names, they will break-up with someone upon learning it.  I know a dude who was dumped because the girl felt that if she ever were to take his name, it would ruin her life.  His last name is fine, but for a 6’1″, muscular, rugby-playing woman, his name was a deal-breaker.  She said that because people already thought she was a cross-dresser, she couldn’t handle a last name like his.  I will leave out his name, but give you some similar examples: Mann, Biggs, Hardeman, StrongMan, BigGuy, ManLady, etc.


April Fools (You’re the Fool)

Pregnancy is not a joke.  Please don’t joke about being pregnant.

  • It is an imminent danger, people.
  • You might already be preggers, and you just don’t know yet.

Don’t joke about being hurt, sick, or imprisoned.

  • We’re your friends.  We’ll be worried.
  • Ever heard of a curse?
  • How about the boy who cried wolf?

Don’t fake break-up.

  • We deal with enough drama as is.
  • If you’re one of my crazy friends… Well, it won’t go as planned.
  • Real fights might result.

Just don’t be a total dick.

  • Don’t worry people.
  • Don’t leave your joke hanging for too long. People will believe it.
  • Punchlines also require good timing.
  • Your life is not a PUNK’D episode.

(On another note, why did they remove the “E” from that title?  It makes no sense…)

 

We Get It, Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day needs to settle it down.  Seriously, why are we putting so much value in this little old day?  It shouldn’t make or break a relationship, it shouldn’t define us as people, and it shouldn’t depress us based on whatever relationship status we can use to describe ourselves on that day.  It just shouldn’t.  I’m actually not sad, lonely, or depressed (this year), but I still think Valentine’s Day is a little evil.  A person cannot escape hearts, red crap, shiny shit, lacy shit, feathered shit, champagne shit, chocolate shit, expensive shit, diamond shit, more heart-shit, etc.

Why not just do something nice for the people you love?  Even if it’s not sexy, you’ll feel good.  If you are in a relationship, you’re expected to have a fancy dinner, eat chocolate, drink champagne, and then put on crazy lingerie and have the hottest sex of ever…  That’s unreasonable.  You will be bloated.  You will not feel like having sex with the lights on.  Just willing myself to get into a corset is enough to ruin a nice meal.  “I’ll have the side salad without dressing as my entree…”  The expectations are unrealistic.  Shouldn’t this be reserved for anniversaries?  What happens if a chick is unavailable for the supreme pleasures of Valentine’s Day doin’ it?  Ladies get this thing every month, and it complicates things?  I’m just saying: what if?  That’s a lot of pressure for a reproductive system to handle.

I’m also infuriated that the V-Day tropes are that dudes spend cash while ladies put out.  Blerg.

I just don’t want to see hearts everywhere.  I don’t like them.  I don’t want everything to be pink.  I don’t want my boyfriend to feel like he has to send me roses or I will kill him.  THAT’S STUPID.  No one is entitled to roses.  I’m certainly not.

Plus, dudes can’t handle all this pressure.  It makes ladies crazy, and guys can’t live up to the crazy expectations pushed into female minds by rom-coms and Hallmark commercials.  I think I’ve even seen a cat food commercial about human love recently.  What? How? Why? COME ON.

Ladies, settle it down.  If a dude doesn’t buy you flowers, it’s okay.  Maybe just take a moment to appreciate the people you love instead of buying everything in CVS?

If you’re single, Valentine’s Day is just gigantic reminder that you are not in a relationship, and that you will likely not be needing any lacy accessories.  Why should singles be tormented further by our weirdly couple-obsessed culture?  Being single kind of rules… because there are no rules!  Okay, not really, but still.   This can be such an awkward day.  We should just act normal.

Why are heart shapes so anatomically incorrect?  It really bothers me.

Friggin’ Valentine’s Day…

Your Facebook Baby

If you post a picture of yourself holding a baby, and the caption just says, “So cute!,” I will assume that baby is yours.  When I see a picture of you lovingly holding a baby with no information given, I will assume that baby is yours.  It’s only a natural reaction.  I’m going to be left with the impression that you’ve had a baby recently, and that I just didn’t know until now.  It’s not far-fetched.  Lots of folks my age, your age, her age, his age, all ages… are having babies, so I’m sorry, but I’m going to assume the baby you have in your arms is yours.

Which of you is the mommy? Is anyone the mommy?

Just label the picture.  Let all your facebook friends know that you didn’t have a baby.  All it takes is a simple caption.  For example, try, “My sister’s baby is cute!” OR “I’m an auntie!”  Just explain where the baby originated.  Everyone loves a good origin story.

WHOSE BABY IS THIS?

On another note…

5 Signs You’re Not Really a “Bad Ass”

Don is a bad ass.  He’s a Vietnam Veteran who snowmobiles, is not capable of drinking so much he could be drunk, has beaten up multiple jerks, loves him some jager, never does yard work without bleeding and never seems to notice that he’s bleeding, and he’s also a pretty ballin’ cook.  Boom.  Bad ass.

Kate is bad ass because she will cut you with her words, take you down analytically, drink another bottle of the cheap red, laugh at your stupidity, charm you into wanting to date her, and then she’ll cut you down again.  Oh, and she’s in a PhD program at 22.

Patty is a bad ass because she could kick your ass, drink you under the table, hem anything, clean anything, fix a lot of things, she has 7.32 jobs, and she’ll do it all wearing a pencil skirt and heels.

You probably are not a bad ass.  Bad asses are awesome.  They chop down trees, build houses, fix cars, beat up dudes who are assholes, don’t flinch when they bleed, and aren’t afraid of getting a little dirty to get it done (regardless of the it).

Urban dictionary defines bad ass a number of ways, but my favorite snippets are:

Badass:

  1. Ultra-cool motherfucker.
  2. The badass is an uncommon man of supreme style. He does what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. You won’t find him on facebook, myspace, msn, et cetera because he is probably out being cool somewhere.
  3. Awesome to an extreme level, thereby leveraging unquestionable authority.
  4. “Sam Elliott’s mustache = badass.”
  5. Infinitely cool, über awesome, hardcore to the extreme.  “Say what you will about Bruce Lee or Chuck Noris, Tsutomu Yamaguchi is, hands down, the most badass example of a badass ever to walk the earth: Tsutomu Yamaguchi was the only known survivor of BOTH atomic blasts. He died at age 93 on January 6, 2010.”  There is NOTHING more bad ass than that.
There are a lot of people, mostly dudes, who claim to be bad ass, but most of them aren’t.  If you think you are a bad ass, read the following carefully.
5 Signs You’re Not Really a “Bad Ass”
  1. You are wearing a polo shirt, and it’s not a uniform.  First of all, bad asses don’t really wear uniforms.  Second of all, polos are for English guys, and frat boys.  If you’re English, we’ll allow a polo if you wore it while playing polo.  If you are a frat boy, shut up, you’re not a bad ass.
  2. The sight of blood makes you feel nauseated.  A true bad ass in not bothered in the slightest by blood.  A true bad ass usually doesn’t notice their own, but will come to the aid of others who bleed.
  3. You can’t fix or even identify what’s wrong with your car/fridge/sink/motorcycle/computer.  Bad asses fix shit.  If you cannot fix anything, you’re not bad ass.
  4. You can’t do mental math.  Math is bad ass.
  5. You don’t know how to throw a punch.  Punching is a big part of being a bad ass.  Fighting is important.
There are many other signs, so proceed claiming to be a bad ass carefully.

There’s Nothing Funny About Living With Dudes

The New Girl is a television show airing on FOX, starring the adorable and quirky Zooey Deschanel. The main premise of the show, aside from Deschanel’s epic break-up, is the cute-but-totally-weird-and-awkward girl lives with three dudes, and isn’t that hilarious?!? One girl living with a bunch of guys!! AHHAAAA!

I am going to fill you in, America, there is nothing cute or funny about being the one girl living with a bunch of dudes. Take it from someone who did it: Nothing about it is funny and everything about it sucks.

Five Reasons Not to Move in With Your Guy Friends

1. Everything smells like male body odor and Axe.

Dudes smell. There’s just no way around it. Whether it’s dirty socks lurking in the living room or strange smells wafting into your bedroom from the room across the hall, there’s always a smell of dude sweat when you live with guys. Also, now that we have been blessed with Axe (because Old Spice just wasn’t cutting it for awful pseudo-cologne anymore), every bathroom always smells like a strange combination of cinnamon and musk, causing any person with asthma who enters to immediately have a coughing fit. Awesome.

2. If you weren’t bargaining for a parade of whores, you should have.

Guys are focused on one thing when they go out: getting chicks to come home with them. Get ready for a parade of different girls who range in attractiveness from the super hot to the painfully ugly tramping around your house at all hours of the night and awkwardly sneaking by so they don’t have to introduce themselves (or be introduced) to you. They (perhaps rightfully) fear your womanly judgment. Also, you will oftentimes find they’ve used the only girly products in the bathroom after they’ve fucked your roommate and took a shower before they did their walk of shame. Thanks, ladies. Much obliged. Additionally, every friend you ever invite over will not only be treated as a house guest, but will often be invited to be one of your roomies’ bed guest as well, because you no longer have friends: you have potential sex partners for your roommates.

3. You will know every song from every video game and the plot to every bad action flick forward and backward.

Your living room is no longer a living room. It is now what is called a “man cave.” That means the staple decorations are empty beer cans, three week old potato chips hiding beneath the rug, dirty dishes, and the lurking stray sock I mentioned before. The TV will only show the following: sports of all kinds (even those as obscure and stupid as curling), first person shooters and sports video games (if you don’t know that first term, live with dudes and it will become VERY familiar), bad action movies or other manly movies, sci-fi series movies–think Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, and other crappy and generally unfunny TV (e.g. Workaholics). Forget ever watching Grey’s Anatomy or Teen Mom or Say Yes to the Dress or Ghost or any Lifetime movie.

4. Your kitchen will always be sticky, dirty, and smell like something died in it.

Dudes generally suck at cooking and/or know nothing about storing food. This results in a lot of food particles and rotting bananas around your kitchen. Between this, sticky beer/alcohol residue, beer cans, and Chinese take out and pizza boxes, it’s basically impossible to navigate, let alone cook in this room. So, that Coq Au Vin recipe you were going to make for your boyfriend for your anniversary? Yeah, forget about it–go out.

5. They don’t see you as a girlfriend/sex partner, and therefore you fit into the same category as their mother.

You have passed from being drooled over as the sex object or chased after as the girlfriend into the friend zone. You aren’t an accessible vagina, and therefore when you ask for something, it’s nagging. Now you’ve entered the mom zone. Once this happens, all bets are off. Get used to being expected to clean up after your dude roomies, retrieve forks from their bedrooms when they all disappear from the kitchen, pick up those dirty socks in the living room, clean the bathroom fixtures, and take care of all the things their mothers have been doing for them for the last twenty two years.

So instead of living with four dudes, you, in the matter of a few weeks, have suddenly birthed quadruplets. Congratulations on being a New Mom!

Making Out: The Rules and Regulations

Making out is awesome.  People everywhere agree that it totally rules.  Therefore, when you get the chance to make out with someone who you find attractive, you should do it well and make it count.  No one deserves a bad make out session.  At least I don’t, and that’s why I feel I need to share this.

When you’re making out, you are not competing for more control.  You are also not competing to see who can put their tongue in the other person’s mouth for longer.  There are no awards for the person whose lips completely envelope the other person’s.  There are no awards.

The only rewards in kissing come from the partner-to-partner relationship.  If the other person is especially pleased with your work, they might want to see you again, kiss you more, or even take things to a new level.  If you kiss badly, the other person will be repulsed in every way and they will try to escape immediately.

Here are some kissing tips, straight from my friends, the internet, discotechques, college classes, and everyone else:

1. All kisses should start slow, closed-mouth and simple.  Don’t start with the tongue.  Never lean into a kiss tongue-out.  That’s gross.

*On a side note, this is how my first kiss happened.  The boy leaned in with his tongue out, and I cringed with my mouth closed, and our kiss was basically him pressing his tongue to my tightly shut lips.

2. As you move along to french kisses, do it without attacking.  Be normal.  Use it with careful precision.  You are not eating a soft-serve ice cream cone, you are making out with someone.

3. Use a little pressure; don’t use a ton, but don’t just flop about.

4. If you have a tiny tongue, hide it.  Nobody likes a tiny tongue.

5. Okay, so you’ve seen lip-sucking in movies.  This is for pros.  Don’t just suck someone’s lip; it’s more complicated than that.  You’re allowed to suck a little on a single lip – a little.  It’s meant to be sensual.  Don’t confuse yourself with a Dyson; you don’t get extra points for superior pick-up.

6. Pay attention to your partner.

7. Never lick the face unless you have permission.  Gross.

8. If you try to kiss someone and they “cheek” you (turn to the side so you can only kiss their cheek), don’t try again.

9. Kissing is not a contract.  If you really have to talk someone into it, then they’re not ready and you should stop.

10. If you’re drunk and making out… Well, who knows what’s going on, so whatever.

11. Necks are up for kissing.

12. However, hickeys are ridiculous.  Don’t give hickeys, you jerk.

13. Everyone kisses and tells.  Get over it.

14. If you are in a lake, ocean, river, pool, etc. and the moon is shining, you should probably find someone to make out with soon.

15. Just slow down.  You don’t have to kiss someone with 10 minutes of meeting them.  You don’t have to kiss on a first date.  You’ve got some time; enjoy it.

16. Don’t make out in front of other people, especially children and old folks.

17. Don’t kiss the hand of your waitress.

*This happened to me when I was a waitress; it was awful.  He kissed my hand like four times.

18. If you’re a girl and you’re drunk, don’t kiss another girl for attention from dudes.  It’s trashy and it will only attract trashy dudes.  Making out with girls should be left to straight guys and lesbians.

19. Don’t slobber.  You’re not a dog.  You’re a human.  Remember that.

20. Brush your teeth and use mouthwash.  Dental hygiene is essential for a successful make out.

*However, if you’re drunk, all bets are off.

21. Make out more.  Boom.  It’s awesome.

Manly Men

Apparently, being a man is everything.  It is fricking everything.  BUT, being brave is not being a man; it’s just being brave.  Sure, I like to say, “Man up!” or “Grow a pair!” as much as the next person, but I think we need to consider the implications of these little phrases.  These phrases imply that to be brave, we must tap into our inner-dude.  They imply that only men are brave.  For me, this just isn’t going to work.  If it takes balls to have balls, then I must have balls… right?

The thing is, I don’t have or want actual balls, but I’ll be damned if someone gets something I don’t because they do.  I certainly have figurative balls, or cajones, or “a pair” (of balls).  I’m brave.  I’m assertive.  I’m sick of people marrying these traits to masculinity.  Whatever happened to the whole “I am woman, hear me roar!” thing?  Women can be assertive, aggressive, brave and ballsy without being mannish or unwomanly.  Being brave doesn’t make me a bitch; being a bitch makes me a bitch.  I am still feminine when I am assertive.  I am still a woman when I’m knocking a man down a few notches.  Also, just because I’m destroying some dude in a debate, argument, drinking contest, arm wrestling match, wood chopping contest, four wheeler race or whatever I’m doing that day, it doesn’t mean I’m emasculating him.  I’m just beating him.  I’m winning.  He’s losing.  He’s still a boy and I’m still a girl.

 

Being tough shouldn’t challenge my femininity or anyone else’s masculinity.  I get to be a tough womanly woman.

When people say, “Man up!” they are telling someone to do the right thing, to step up to a challenge, to face their fears.  I can do all those things without manning up, I just do them.  Am I womanning up?  Am I chicking up?  What’s happening then?

I can do what a man does.  I can fight a man if I need to, and I have.  My friends can vouch for that.  I use a lot of f-bombs and call people dude.  It’s part of how I fight.

Chicks rule.  We don’t need to be dudes.  Listen to Jessie J.

Or, for a lesson in true masculinity, look at Neville.