6 More Signs You’re Not a “Bad Ass”

Of course, there are more signs.
  1. You’re wearing a blue tooth.  You look crazy, not bad ass.  If you are currently driving a vehicle, then a bluetooth is understandable.  If you’re standing in line somewhere, or walking down the street, maybe just use your cell phone like a normal person.  Bad asses don’t need fancy gadgets.  Fancy gadgets hope bad asses will use them.
  2. You use pick-up lines.  Bad asses don’t need pick-up lines; they just know how to get laid.  And they do.
  3. You think Guinness is yucky, and you have other weak ass drinking habits.  Bad asses drink intense, bad ass drinks.  That means whiskey, gin, heavy beer, and generally German/Irish ales.  There is no light beer.  There is no need for Long Islands, or whatever else comes in a fish bowl.  Bad asses are fine without frills.
  4. You can’t drive stick shift.  Why can’t you?  C’mon.  This one is a given.
  5. Your masculinity is challenged and/or you feel uncomfortable wearing pink, going to the opera, shopping, cleaning yourself, etc…*  Man or woman, you need to be self-assured to be bad ass.  Plus, bad asses can appreciate a beautiful piece of art, taking care of themselves, and high-culture.  They’re not animals!
  6. You think a Hummer is more bad ass than a Prius.  Wrong.  A true bad ass knows that driving a Prius is way more bad ass than driving a Hummer.  Hummer’s are wasteful, and bad asses are economical in all they do.  They don’t want to expend a bunch of useless or unnecessary energy to get something done.  Why would they want to drive something that did?  Also, a bad ass realizes that driving a Hummer tells other people that you are self-conscious about your “size.”  Bad asses are definitely not worried about “size;” they’re good.
Bonus list for dudes only! Read below:
  1. You can’t grow a beard… Um, bad asses are at least able to do so.  Most of them shave twice a day.
  2. Every chick that won’t sleep with you becomes a “bitch.”  Bad asses can handle rejection, though it rarely happens.  Still, when and if it does, a bad ass knows that only little bitches think every woman is a bitch.
  3. You’ve hit a chick.  Sean Connery is the only bad ass who has done this.  It’s still not really okay.
  4. You’re straight, and gay dudes make you nervous.  Again, bad asses aren’t worried about what other people are doing.  Also, gay dudes are not attracted to every other dude.  Deal with it.
 

*This was re-worded for clarity.  We agree that bad asses can maintain their bad ass status whilst attending the opera.  In fact, we think many bad asses can appreciate the opera.  They’re too awesome not to.

5 Signs You’re Not Really a “Bad Ass”

Don is a bad ass.  He’s a Vietnam Veteran who snowmobiles, is not capable of drinking so much he could be drunk, has beaten up multiple jerks, loves him some jager, never does yard work without bleeding and never seems to notice that he’s bleeding, and he’s also a pretty ballin’ cook.  Boom.  Bad ass.

Kate is bad ass because she will cut you with her words, take you down analytically, drink another bottle of the cheap red, laugh at your stupidity, charm you into wanting to date her, and then she’ll cut you down again.  Oh, and she’s in a PhD program at 22.

Patty is a bad ass because she could kick your ass, drink you under the table, hem anything, clean anything, fix a lot of things, she has 7.32 jobs, and she’ll do it all wearing a pencil skirt and heels.

You probably are not a bad ass.  Bad asses are awesome.  They chop down trees, build houses, fix cars, beat up dudes who are assholes, don’t flinch when they bleed, and aren’t afraid of getting a little dirty to get it done (regardless of the it).

Urban dictionary defines bad ass a number of ways, but my favorite snippets are:

Badass:

  1. Ultra-cool motherfucker.
  2. The badass is an uncommon man of supreme style. He does what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. You won’t find him on facebook, myspace, msn, et cetera because he is probably out being cool somewhere.
  3. Awesome to an extreme level, thereby leveraging unquestionable authority.
  4. “Sam Elliott’s mustache = badass.”
  5. Infinitely cool, über awesome, hardcore to the extreme.  “Say what you will about Bruce Lee or Chuck Noris, Tsutomu Yamaguchi is, hands down, the most badass example of a badass ever to walk the earth: Tsutomu Yamaguchi was the only known survivor of BOTH atomic blasts. He died at age 93 on January 6, 2010.”  There is NOTHING more bad ass than that.
There are a lot of people, mostly dudes, who claim to be bad ass, but most of them aren’t.  If you think you are a bad ass, read the following carefully.
5 Signs You’re Not Really a “Bad Ass”
  1. You are wearing a polo shirt, and it’s not a uniform.  First of all, bad asses don’t really wear uniforms.  Second of all, polos are for English guys, and frat boys.  If you’re English, we’ll allow a polo if you wore it while playing polo.  If you are a frat boy, shut up, you’re not a bad ass.
  2. The sight of blood makes you feel nauseated.  A true bad ass in not bothered in the slightest by blood.  A true bad ass usually doesn’t notice their own, but will come to the aid of others who bleed.
  3. You can’t fix or even identify what’s wrong with your car/fridge/sink/motorcycle/computer.  Bad asses fix shit.  If you cannot fix anything, you’re not bad ass.
  4. You can’t do mental math.  Math is bad ass.
  5. You don’t know how to throw a punch.  Punching is a big part of being a bad ass.  Fighting is important.
There are many other signs, so proceed claiming to be a bad ass carefully.

Watching “Chubby/Curvy Chick” Porn Does Not Make You Progressive

As a self-proclaimed “curvy” girl, I am all for the praising and appreciation of curvaceous bodies.  For the record, “curvy” is referring to bodies Christina Hendricks, Beyonce, the current Christina Aguilara, Jessica Simpson, and most of the Kardashians, this term does not and should not apply to random, tiny celebrities who claim to be curvy because they weigh more than 105 lbs.

Having a B-Cup isn’t enough, ladies!  Having a big ass is sufficient.  Having annoyingly large breasts will also do the trick.  Though, you are probably going to have to weigh a little more… you know, like 125 lbs.

I think there are a lot of great websites that can help curvier girls feel better about themselves, and I think having sites like that is wonderful.

Sites like SkinnyVsCurvy are doing it the right way.  Sure, it’s gossipy and not entirely nice, but at least they give due credit to the curvy ladies who look a heck of a lot better than some of the Lexy Anorexies out there.  Being too skinny is unhealthy.  Being too fat is also unhealthy.  Let’s celebrate the healthy range in a healthy way.

Celebrating healthy bodies in a healthy way probably doesn’t mean watching porn.

Porn is demeaning to all parties involved.  Porn is a major industry.  I know that tons of people love porn, rely on it, and are overall BIG fans.  However, being a lover of porn does not make you an academic; that’s not enough.  I know that most porn features women with bodies that have been perfected and sculpted by work out routines and plastic surgeons to create unrealistic, or at least rare, results.  Just like Hollywood, porn emphasizes a very particular kind of body as idealized, and it’s a kind of body that most women cannot achieve.  Most of porn is detrimental to the female image because its “activity and subject matter” depict women as objects, nothing more than desperate, helpless, sex-crazed weirdos; it also doesn’t help that the women look like barbies.

Of course, there are more fetishes and niches out there than imaginable, which means there is also a lot of porn portraying ultra-skinny ladies, ultra-fat chicks, any race, any place, involving any imaginable thing.  Heck, pick any noun, adjective, adverb, verb… It’s in a porn-o.

That said, there is a lot, like A LOT, of chubby bunny/curvy/chubby/not-so-skinny/something called “BBW” (google at your own risk) stuff out there.  This wouldn’t normally come on my radar, but earlier a random dude yelled at me while I was running – I’m not entirely sure I caught everything he said, but he definitely referred me to a specific site.  The weirdest part of this is that he wasn’t really saying that he liked my “situation,” he was mostly pointing out that he was proud of me for being confident in my body.  WHAT?  First of all, pick a new medium.  The cat-call isn’t right for you.  Second, no.  NO.

There are a bunch of sites out there that post naked pictures of “curvy” and/or “chubby” chicks to “empower them,” and to “make them feel more beautiful.”  

How the hell is a bunch of porn going to be “empowering” for me?  Screw that bullshit!  These sites are just fetishist porn sites that are claiming to be some kind of grandiose feminism.  That’s not how it works.  Feminism does not mean you show people your vagina.  Feminism is more about being powerful, smart, and capable regardless of your genital-situation.  Curvy chicks are not being helped by exploitative sites that praise giant boobs, round tummies, and bubble butts; curvy chicks are being helped by fashion that encourages their bodies to be seen as beautiful and normal.  No woman was ever helped to feel beautiful (in a healthy way) by a bunch of half-dressed, poorly lit strangers clicking on pictures of her vagina in the middle of the night.

Glorified porn sites won’t solve eating disorders.  They will only alleviate the pressure in the pants of certain dudes (and chicks).

*At press, this writer was not considering herself especially skinny, or especially chubby.  She also has yet to visit the site recommended by that empowering drunk guy.

Manly Men

Apparently, being a man is everything.  It is fricking everything.  BUT, being brave is not being a man; it’s just being brave.  Sure, I like to say, “Man up!” or “Grow a pair!” as much as the next person, but I think we need to consider the implications of these little phrases.  These phrases imply that to be brave, we must tap into our inner-dude.  They imply that only men are brave.  For me, this just isn’t going to work.  If it takes balls to have balls, then I must have balls… right?

The thing is, I don’t have or want actual balls, but I’ll be damned if someone gets something I don’t because they do.  I certainly have figurative balls, or cajones, or “a pair” (of balls).  I’m brave.  I’m assertive.  I’m sick of people marrying these traits to masculinity.  Whatever happened to the whole “I am woman, hear me roar!” thing?  Women can be assertive, aggressive, brave and ballsy without being mannish or unwomanly.  Being brave doesn’t make me a bitch; being a bitch makes me a bitch.  I am still feminine when I am assertive.  I am still a woman when I’m knocking a man down a few notches.  Also, just because I’m destroying some dude in a debate, argument, drinking contest, arm wrestling match, wood chopping contest, four wheeler race or whatever I’m doing that day, it doesn’t mean I’m emasculating him.  I’m just beating him.  I’m winning.  He’s losing.  He’s still a boy and I’m still a girl.

 

Being tough shouldn’t challenge my femininity or anyone else’s masculinity.  I get to be a tough womanly woman.

When people say, “Man up!” they are telling someone to do the right thing, to step up to a challenge, to face their fears.  I can do all those things without manning up, I just do them.  Am I womanning up?  Am I chicking up?  What’s happening then?

I can do what a man does.  I can fight a man if I need to, and I have.  My friends can vouch for that.  I use a lot of f-bombs and call people dude.  It’s part of how I fight.

Chicks rule.  We don’t need to be dudes.  Listen to Jessie J.

Or, for a lesson in true masculinity, look at Neville.

FAT

Fat is a powerful word.  Normally, I’m sassy, saucy and a little bit bitchy in the face of insults or arguments, but if someone dares to utter this little three-letter word, I’m done.  Why is it so powerful?  I don’t know exactly, but I’ll bet it has a whole lot to do with our society’s obsession with weight.  Skinny is beautiful, ideal, healthy, self-aware and responsible.  Fat is lazy, sad, denial, unhealthy and overtly irresponsible.  To some degree, I get it.  When someone weighs enough to limit their ability to move, to walk, to live, to wash themselves, it does make me feel sad and question their judgment.  However, I feel very similarly about really skinny people.  When I see a really thin, clearly eating-disordered person, I feel sad and I question their judgment.  What does this tell us?  Well, first of all that we are probably a little too aware of weight.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was called FAT in these photos. She's looks super-hot! She is SO SO SO not fat! Come on...

That said, I feel it needs a caveat.  We are all too aware of other people’s weight and most of us are also a little delusional about our own. Rarely do I hear a person accurately describe their own body, this tells me that I am statistically likely to be one of those people too.  In my mind (on most days), I’m huge.  I look down at myself and think that I am a ridiculously fat mess, but the thing is… I’m not.  I’m actually pretty average.  I know that I a lot of people use the word “curvy” as a substitute for the dread “fat,” but I think in this case I am actually curvy.  You know, as in curvaceous.  Yet, I feel fat.  I get called fat.  Sure, it doesn’t happen as much as it did in Middle School or High School, but it still happens and that sucks.  Seriously, it sucks to get called fat – even if you are.  Chew the fat, but don’t chew out the fatties. 
I think it’s also important to remember that “skinny” and “healthy” are not synonyms.  Healthy people come in a bigger spectrum (pun intended).  Bodies can be healthy even above 105 lbs., I promise.  Also, dudes don’t need to look like body builders, they can look quite normal and be quite healthy.  I would also like to give a shout out to the chubby dudes; they are way better boyfriends and usually work a lot harder at being people.  I like people.  Let’s be people.
I think the wrong names are often getting used to categorize our bodies.  “Fat” often means “chubby.”  “Chubby” often means “normal +5lbs.”  “Healthy” means nothing because no one has a healthy image of what healthy really is or ought to be.  “Normal” usually means “not incredibly skinny.”  “Thin” means “skinny.”  And when people call themselves “skinny,” well, that’s just weird.  The words we use to categorize our bodies have lost all meaning because no one uses them properly.  In fact, when I try to categorize my body, I feel frozen – if I say one thing, I feel like I’m lying.  When I try to change that to something else, I feel like it sounds like I might be implying that I’m fat, but trying to cover it up.  God forbid I sound fat!  What would I do then?  All I know is it’s something hyperbolic.  That much I know for sure.  If I say that I’m curvy, people think I’m saying I’m fat.  If someone calls me cute, or adorable, I think they’re calling me fat, but not completely gross.  If someone called me thin, I would laugh in their face.  What is an acceptable category?  I have no clue.  Maybe instead of having a fat or thin body, I can just have a body.  Yes?  I would like that.
Your body is a temple.  My body is a temple.  His body, her body, they are all temples.  Right?  If every body is a temple, respect the right to religious freedom. 
It’s not my business if you are fat, or thin, or average.  It’s not your business what I am either.  Unless, of course, you would like to pay my temple a compliment, or a donation… then, comment and donate away!
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