DO NOT WANT.
I’m pretty afraid of pregnancy. I think a majority of sexually active women in their twenties are also quite afraid of babies appearing inside their bodies. Pregnancy is a constant threat weighing on us 75-90% of the time. The other 10-25% of the time we have cramps, so we’re pretty sure we are not pregnant in those moments. Those are good moments. Those are moments that remind me of freedom, that ring of choice and birth control, and that remind that I am NOT ready to be a parent. I’m far too creeped out by pregnancy. I mean, my god! Think about it. Pregnancy is terrifying and a constant threat. It takes you over. It wins. It is very, very scary.
Why is pregnancy so scary?
Oh, I don’t know… Maybe because a parasite grows inside of you? Maybe because it makes your boobs go crazy? Maybe because it’s the thing all women fear before some crazy switch goes off in their head? Maybe because your body will never be the same? Maybe because if you have a baby, you ALWAYS have it? Pregnancy is imprisonment, and it’s a lifetime sentence. Did I mention the stuff it can do to your body?
You might be wondering what prompted such a vile spew of anti-pregnancy thoughts, the answer is fear. Pregnancy is not inevitable for me. I believe in birth control and I know how to use. It’s a good thing, y’all.
Lately, a lot of people (mostly my mother and my boyfriend’s friends) have been really chatting me up about babies. The message seems to be: “Pregnancy is inevitable.” I mean, I get what they’re saying. Maybe I will eventually decide to do that to myself or to let someone do that to me. They all seem to think that for me not to know or for me to deny wanting children is blasphemous. It’s not. Some women don’t have children. Some women don’t want children. Some women don’t want to make their own. Maybe I just don’t know. I do know that I want to avoid this question.
Don’t ask. Don’t wish babies on me. That’s weird.
I know that a lot of women talk about the magic of childbirth, but I think many women have also experienced/are currently experiencing life as someone who is deeply and violently frightened of pregnancy and children. I’m tired of people telling me that I have to have kids. I don’t know what the hell I want. I’m 23. Back off.
Why is pregnancy being discussed as an inevitability? Or at least, why is it being discussed as a fast-approaching, oncoming train?
Basically, babies come from explosions in women’s bodies. They are scary. They shoot out of places and things go boom. Then they cry a lot. They cry so much. There is so much stuff happening. I get that babies are cute and stuff, but wowzers. No thank you.
The babies get inside of you and then they try to get out of you.
Sometimes I have dreams about babies happening, and I wake up in cold sweat. I don’t wake up smiling and laughing and clapping my hands. I wake up terrified. Sometimes I have dreams about drinking and running and being awesome and single and not having babies and keeping my body the same shape. Those are times when I wake up comforted and happy and joyous and giggly. Good stuff.
Sometimes I think about my life in ten years. When I think about that life including kids, it feels messy and sloppy and loud. When I think about it without kids, it feels messy and sloppy and loud… Wait. I guess those are the same.
Sometimes I imagine what would happen if I got preggers right now, and while it is better than a teenager getting preggers, it’s still not my favorite idea.
There are just so many things that can happen. So many babies can happen. So. Many. Babies.