15 Reasons Your Waitress Hates You

    1. She knows you’ll give her a shitty tip.
    2. You’ve hit on her.  She’s not interested.
    3. You grabbed her ass.  Really?
    4. You will continue your cell phone conversation while we are taking your order.  Then, you’ll hold up your hand to her, so that she doesn’t interrupt.  
    5. There are kids with you.  Oh, god.  Leave your badly behaved kids at home. 
    6. You will make her say how cute your evil kids are while they are pouring out their food and breaking everything.  Thank you.
    7. You’re blaming her for food you don’t like, or prices you don’t like.  She didn’t cook it.  She didn’t price it.
    8. Your specialty order is out of control.  You want extra onions, no olives, extra cheese, no salsa, replace the beans with fish, replace the salt with ice cream…  Something will be missed in the kitchen.  You will flip out.  
    9. You didn’t tell her about your food allergy until after she brought out your food.  “Oh, does this bread have wheat in it?  I’m allergic.”  If you have an allergy to wheat or gluten, don’t order a sandwich.  If you have an apple allergy, don’t order the apple pie.  Consider these rules.
    10. You complain about the meal, after you eat all of it.  Well, she could have tried to fix that… but okay.
    11. You ask for extra napkins four times.  You’re eating a hamburger.  How many friggin’ napkins do you need?  
    12. You will claim there is something wrong with your diet coke.  She knows that there is nothing wrong.  She will either 1) walk to the back, pause, and bring the same drink back to you, and you will say it tastes better, OR 2) will walk to the same machine which filled your glass last time, dump it out, then refill it, and suddenly, you will like it.  Either way, it’s the same.  You have wasted her time.
    13. You won’t leave when you’re done.  She wants to put new people in your table.  New people who will pay her more.  You are costing her money.
    14. She is stereotyping you based on age and the people you’re with.  Super young = bad tip.  Super old = bad tip.  Bunch of ladies = bad tip.  Bunch of douchey guys = good tip.  First date = good tip.  Super drunk = either super bad or stupid good.  Bitches/Assholes = likely a stiff.
    15. Oh, right.  THE BAD TIP THING.  For the record, 15% is base minimum.  20% for good service.  10% if the waitress attacked you, forgot your food, insulted your hair, hit on your husband, poured whiskey on your dress…

I Guess We’re Sluts Too!

We’re sluts.  We’re sluts.  We’re sluts, sluts, sluts.  S-L-U-T.  Sluts.  Sluts.  Sluts.

Stop pretending that your religion or political stance means you get to take away people’s rights and call them sluts for being realistic.  People have sex.  I have sex.  If you’re not having sex, you probably wish you were.

Now, watch the REFORMED WHORES perform, “I’m a Slut.”



Kate and Patty “believe” in birth control and think condoms are a good idea for people.  We would like to choose when our baby makers make babies.  Men don’t seem to get it.  Rush Limbaugh is a crazed asshole, and he needs to get his mind out of our vaginas.

Flick Off

Imagine you’re stopped at a red light. You’re bobbing your head along to whatever music is on your radio, and then you notice the guy next to you. He rolls down his window and, sticking his hand out, flicks his cigarette onto the pavement.

Now, generally, people don’t do or say anything–myself included–to Mr. Litterer, but I have a confession to make: THIS DRIVES ME NUTS. And it has, ever since I was a kid. I remember driving in the car with my dad who would ALWAYS flick his cigarettes out the window. I never, ever liked it.

Don’t get me wrong–this isn’t about smoking. Do what you want; I’m not about to judge, and I don’t think it’s necessary for the world to hold smokers up as some kind of social scapegoat. HOWEVER–flicking your cigarette out the window isn’t any different than throwing a wadded up cheeseburger wrapper out. It’s littering and it makes streets gross. And this is public space, for crying out loud!

I guess nonchalant littering in general just really makes me angry because it shows a blatant disrespect for other people. It’s nice that you don’t care whether there are cigarette butts and McDonald’s paper cups and straws on the street, but maybe those of us who walk around this neighborhood care. Maybe the birds don’t want to build nests out of dirty cigarette filters. Maybe you shouldn’t leave shit with your DNA on it lying around in the street, damnit.

So, generally, people of the world: put your trash in trash receptacles. That’s what they’re there for. Because, unlike babies, you’re responsible for your own trash. I am not responsible for your half-chewed straws, your cigarette butts, your paper cups, your tampons (yes, I recently saw a TAMPON lying around in the street), your kleenex, your receipts, and all the other crap you think it’s okay to just dump around in everyone else’s way. Public streets are communal streets. We all use them. And unless you’re some kind of sociopath who doesn’t have the capability of empathy or general humanness, pick up/throw away your shit!!!

Politics of Pooping: Dating Edition

Pooping scares people.  That’s why people’s pooping patterns can tell us so much when dating…

The Politics of Date-Poop

  • If a man poops in your apartment, the first time he is there, he is not interested in dating you long-term.
  • If a man poops at your place right before he leaves to go home, he is an asshole without proper manners. Just wait 10 minutes until you get home!
  • If a man discusses poop in front of you within two weeks of knowing you, he considers you a dude/bro, and he does not want to date you.
  • If a new girl in your life discusses poop in front of you (if she’s a new mom discussing baby poop, she’s not crazy, just annoying… although, how did you dating a new mom…), she’s probably a weirdo.
  • If a chick poops in your apartment without major stealth measures within two months of knowing you, she is not interested in sleeping with you.  Girls tend to be pretty weird about poo.
  • If a first date discusses bowel patterns, you need to run. RUN.
  • If someone wants to involve poo or poo-talk, you also need to run. RUN!
  • If a date says, “Sorry I took so long in the bathroom…. There was a line.”  Believe them.  They are trying to maintain their dignity.  Just don’t make eye contact and move on.
  • If your date is a potty-mouth, you may proceed.  Well, if you’re fine with hearing every goddamn thing they say…

Announcing – A Week of Bathroom Talk

That’s right, y’all.  We’re going to devote an entire week to bathroom talk.  Kate and Patty are sick of people acting so weird about the bathroom.  We all use it; it’s okay.  It just seems like our culture denies existence of the camode, or disrespectfully uses it so often.  Why can’t drunk people flush, aim, or wash their hands?  Why do ladies get so mad about the being left up – shouldn’t we look before we sit?  Why aren’t we looking?

In response, we’re talking about the bathroom.  We’re going to rant about poop, pooping, the middle stall, people being annoying about bathroom usage/maintenance/standards.  There will be talk of politics, dating, work, public vs. private, and washing of hands.  We love to wash our hands.  We will also rant for a while about jerks in the potty room.  You get the idea.

Get excited.

Birth Control Is Good

What’s the deal with hating birth control?  It’s a good thing.  It’s not your business.  I don’t want to have a baby, but I will continue to have sex.  These are facts.  People have sex.  I’m not ashamed, but you might be.

My vagina and I like to make decisions on our own.

Now, back off and shut the hell up.

Yay!  Condoms!

On Marriage Equality

First, let’s get one thing straight (pun intended), this issue is Marriage Equality, not Gay Marriage.  Calling this issue “Gay Marriage” implies that gay people are getting something special – like a Big & Tall store which is a special place for big and tall dudes.  People have the right to choose who they love.  Americans are allowed to get married, if they are both consenting, unrelated, free-willed adults… but only if they are of the opposite sex.  Wait?  Don’t we all deserve the freedom to marry whoever we would like (assuming we want to marry an adult who also wants to marry us)?  Don’t we?

Second, let’s celebrate the fact that the 9th Circuit Court in California overturned Prop 8: meaning they ruled that California cannot ban gay marriage (marriage equality).  Prop 8 Decision!  More on the decision HERE and HERE!  This deserves a few major YAYs!  I’m so happy, proud, excited, and relieved.  This shouldn’t be so hard.  This should be simple.  Gay people should have equal rights to marriage in every state.

Bigots hate.  Hate is evil.  The gay community does not deserve hatred; they are humans (the regular kind) and they deserve every single right a straight person has.  People deserve to be treated like people.  American people ought to be treated as if they are American (again, the regular kind).

Ever wonder why there isn’t a straight community?  It’s because they don’t have all that much in common, and it’s also because they aren’t being denied their rights, so they don’t have to unite.  Not all gay people are the same; shocking, right?  Just like not all people are the same.  WOW.  Yet, they still deserve the same rights.

I’m just so sick of hearing people argue about Marriage Equality.  It shouldn’t be open for argument.  This should be a cut-and-dry equal rights decision.  Of course gay marriage should be legal.  Of course it is simply marriage.  Of course we should all have the same rights.  This is America, right?  Freedom of religion… Freedom from religion…

Arguing against marriage equality because a religion doesn’t endorse homosexuality should be a clear false start.  This isn’t a “Christian Nation;” you are welcome to be a Christian in America, and most Christians realize that accepting and loving their fellow humans is a major part of their religion, and so they don’t attack gay people.  Don’t hide behind a religion, you’re not a Christian, you’re a bigot.  Also, religion doesn’t mean a thing in American government.

A few more things:

1. How is a straight marriage threatened by a gay marriage?  Straight marriages seem fine even through all the mail-order brides, arranged marriages, divorces, cheating, abuse…  People still get married.  Marriage will be fine.

2. Why do you care so much what gay people do?

3. Gay people also feel love…

4. How would you feel if the government took away all marriages?

5. How do you feel about inter-racial marriages?  That’s a no-brainer, right?  Of course people of different races can marry!  Think about it!  We left that up to the states and it turned out SO well.  Wait a second…

Finally, in 50 years, I believe strongly that we will look back on our nation’s past and hang our heads in shame that people in this country resisted Marriage Equality.  This is a civil rights issue.  Someday, this will seem like it should have been so easy because it should be an easy decision to make.

Imaginary Person #1: Should gay people be allowed to marry?
Imaginary Person #2: Are they consenting adults of sound mind?
Imaginary Person #1: Yes.
Imaginary Person #2: Oh, well, then… Duh, YES!

I’m tired of being ashamed of our currently bigoted country.

No One Is Safe in Target!

Okay, most of the time, you are safe in Target (probably).  However, today I observed a mother using corporal punishment on her son in the hair-care aisle.  I get that you’re upset, and that you’re child is full-on raging; I was feeling like I also might want to help punish that little brat.  This child repeated the word, “Mommy,” for about four minutes straight…  UGH.

This kid was a pro-annoyer, and I think he was demanding that his mother buy him some weird little crappy toy.  Kids like that should be scolded, denied cookies, sent to their rooms and made to write their mothers heartfelt poems.  Children need to learn responsibility, patience, and how to self-sooth.  Kids also need discipline, which is a tricky area for most people.  How does a person successfully balance loving their children more than life and punishing them enough so they don’t turn out to be awful, terrifying humans?  It’s hard.  That mom had three kids with her, and the oldest one was making everyone around him crazy.


I really think he deserved a spanking.  I might have done the same.  I just don’t think it should happen in front of people at Target.  It didn’t last long.  It didn’t cross the line of reason.  It just doesn’t seem like it belongs in Target.  Yes, discipline is important, and it’s difficult.  At the same time, I feel like disciplining your child by hitting them in public reflects badly on the parent, shames them very publicly, and feels a little like control has been lost.

Oh, Target.  You bring out the worst in brats.

Maybe, because you sell BRATZ dolls?  Just sayin’.

Ten Things I Hate About Community Laundry

10. Somebody’s always using the machines. It doesn’t matter if you thought doing your laundry at 4am might “beat the rush”–somebody is ALWAYS using them.

9. I’m pretty sure my clothes are never really clean. I mean, with the number of bachelors living in the building whose mothers never explained how to measure detergent, it’s a safe bet that these things are all gunked up on the inside.

8. $1.50 to wash and $1.50 to dry? Jesus Christos I’m spending a lot of money on this!

7. When you actually do get a free washer, chances are somebody JUST started drying their clothes. Which means get ready to waste a half hour waiting for that to finish and another half hour waiting for Joe Blow to come get his stuff.

6. There are always those impatient people. Or nosy people. You know the ones I mean–who literally cannot wait five minutes after the washer/dryer has finished to drag your clothes out and put them on top. But you never can catch them in the act to call them out…

5. Then there’s you–patient you–who waits a half hour for somebody to get their crap, and when they haven’t come for it, you take it out of the washer/dryer and are just finishing throwing your stuff in when they waltz down to the laundry room and proceed to give you the stink eye because you moved their stuff.

4. The dryers are always littered with cat hair. And I’m allergic. Do the math and you wind up with clothes fresh out of the dryer, me covered in hives, and immensely pissed off. And itchy.

3. Why must somebody always leave a pair of underwear lurking around the laundry room? And nobody ever claims them. Unless you have that one weird guy who lives in the corner studio and [likely] collects stray women’s panties. Eep.

2. Meeting someone in the laundry room is always awkward. It’s as if everyone has agreed that washing and drying clothes is a deplorable chore, and we must not make eye contact when we’re doing it, lest we spontaneously combust from our immense shame.


To the Douchebag Below Me.

Dear Douche-From-Downstairs,

It’s me, your upstairs neighbor. That mousy girl with the short haircut that you only see scuttling in and out of the building when it’s dark outside (be that early in the morning or late at night). Yes, hello. I’m sure you don’t remember my face because you only see me after you’ve smoked two doobs with your room mate, but never fear. Yes, I live upstairs.

We really need to talk about your bass problem. Bass problem. Yeah, your thumping bass problem. You see, it’s really starting to be a drag. You’re really, what do they call it, cramping my style. I think the new phrase would be “you’re fucking up my swag.” Or something.

I get that you’re cool and nineteen and living on your own for the first time, but do you really want to risk losing your hearing by blasting bass for 14 hours a day? We can hear the bass when you’re playing Coldplay, for crying out loud.


So consider this a friendly but firm request to KNOCK IT OFF. If I have to try to sleep/eat/watch tv/read/exist through another minute of your constant buzzing–pun intended, my friend–I’m either going to tear your eyeballs out of your face or call the fuzz, depending on how much energy I have after trying to function above and around your unending bass assault.




Your [Angry] Upstairs Neighbor