Look Before You Squat: One Woman’s Advice on Toilet Seats

Ladies, look before you sit.  This seems to have reached epidemic levels.  Ladies’ lady parts are plunging themselves into toilets because they aren’t looking before plopping their naked asses on seats other people pee on.  This is something I, as a lady, find confusing.  You see, I’m quite protective of my bum and genitals, thus I look before I squat.

I always have, and thus, I have never fallen into the toilet.  I am really tired of hearing women complain about men leaving the seat up like they’re being attacked and/or disrespected.  Someone just forgot.  It’s like if someone left a seat cushion off a couch…  but you’d probably see that first, and then put it back before setting your rear end on it.  How is this a guy’s responsibility?  You should be more concerned about your own bum.  You should care more.  You shouldn’t feel so entitled.  Also, it’s just a damn toilet seat.  Just move it.  You’ll have to wash your hands either way.

Yes, I think it makes sense for the person who originally moved the seat to move it back, but who gives a crap?  (Pun SO, SO intended.)

Just look.  You’re putting your naked butt (which is really close to you genitals) on something AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LOOK?

Just look.  What if there’s pee on the seat?  What if someone else’s pubes are on the seat?  Wouldn’t you want to check for that anyway?  Wouldn’t you also want to make sure there’s TP while you’re at it.  Just look.

Remember Jesus when you’re pooping

Evangelicals make it a point to spread the “word of God” everywhere. Including, it now seems, at a public bathroom near you.

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Taken in a public bathroom, June 19th

The last thing I want to think about when I’m doing my bathroom business is what Jesus would do. He’d probably shit just like everyone else, but I’m pretty sure it’s not necessary for me to be thinking about that while I am. I thought church was all weird about bathroom stuff anyhow; at the very least it’s weird about bathroom-related anatomy. So why put pamphlets–and not even one, but FOUR–on the TP dispenser? C’mon! Don’t make it so easy for me to make jokes about wiping my ass with your nonsense. And furthermore, you’re accosting me with Bible-thumping in the most private of places. But I guess Evangelicals in general have a demonstrated interest in ladyparts these days (and about our discussion of them), so why not the ladies’ room, right? REALLY. Give a sister a break.

Everyone Poops…

Everyone poops, sometimes even while they’re at work.

Where I work, there seems to be outrage about people pooping.  Because it’s at work, pooping is crime.  What?  Why?  Look, I am not a fan of walking into a recently defiled restroom area, but sometimes people just need to go potty and I feel good about that.  We’re all here for 8 hours.  What if someone suddenly realizes they need to go at 10:00 AM?  Are they really supposed to hold it until 5:00 PM?

One of the women I work with came back from a bathroom break in horror – her eyes were blank, her face had lost its color.  She was in shock.  When we inquired, “What happened?”

She said, “Someone was going #2 in the bathroom.  Oh my god.  I want to barf.”  Most of the other people around us agreed that what she had just been through was truly horrific.  She was consoled by their outrage and genuine sympathy.  How dare a person poop in a public restroom?  How offensive?  How outrageous?  They were all so offended.   No one stopped to think that maybe that pooper was not excited about having to go #2 at work, but sometimes the body does what the body wants.  Have these people never dealt with a bought of unwanted gas?

Meanwhile, I was thinking, “Sure, I don’t want to experience that, but it’s a bathroom… so… it doesn’t seem all that weird.”  Someone pooping in a bathroom is not novel to me. It’s normal.  That’s where we’re supposed to do that.

I just don’t understand why this society is in denial of poop (by the way, that would be a terrifying name for a river…).  We all do it.  It’s going to happen.  Chill out.

It’s just not healthy to hold that in all day.  It’s not like people are maniacally planning to ruin other people’s bathroom experiences, they are just people who got to work, and thought… “Oh crap, I have to poop.”  Then, they poop.  They poop at work.  They are trying to be discreet.  They are trying to be quiet.  They run down to that weird bathroom in the basement.  They don’t want you to know.
No one wakes up in the morning and decides they want to poop at work.  That’s not a thing.  People don’t do that on purpose.  You don’t decide when to get hungry, when to sneeze, when you’ll need to pee, or when you’ll need to poop.

They call it “Going to the bathroom,” for a reason.  That reason is because it’s stuff you do in a bathroom.  That’s where they are.  Get over it.

Why can’t anyone poop?

I assume most are familiar with the above product, but in case you aren’t, this is Activia yogurt. For a long time, they advertised themselves as a yogurt to “make you regular,” or, in non-polite speak, make you shit if you’re currently unable. That’s what that discreet little arrow stands for. And it was primarily marketed to women.

Then you’ve got those fiber cereal/granola bars, which there are a ton of floating around on the market. These are also supposed to “make you regular.” In fact, fiber has become quite the buzz word in the past few years. There used to be products like Metamucil that were covertly advertised as poo-inducing, but the fiber craze has really taken hold as of late–the emphasis on this digestive aid has increased quite a bit.

Additionally, now the sugar substitute “Splenda” comes enriched with a bunch of other stuff. Splenda Essentials include B-vitamins, antioxidants, and (of course) fiber. In fact, the commercial suggests you put it in your morning coffee. I think the subtext here is, “If you couldn’t shit with Metamucil, get ready for your ass to explode.”

On the whole, these products are marketed as products to “make you regular” and they are primarily targeting women over thirty. So I ask: American women, why can’t you poop?

Now, this is not a matter of being too dainty to poop, since they’re all smiles and talking about pooping in a not-so-secretive way on primetime TV. They/we want to talk about “fiber” all the time, and any idiot knows what that means. So what gives? If you’re not too dainty, and you’re not too shy–because its painfully obvious that neither of these options is the case–what is wrong with you? Don’t you think that instead of self-medicating with all these whack products, you might need to go see a doctor? Or, alternatively, you could do something like eat a carrot or two. Eat some whole wheat bread. Pick a salad instead of a burger. Really, there are ways to get fiber that don’t involve adding it to your coffee, drinking orange colored and flavored powder, or eating weird yogurt advertised a little too enthusiastically by Jamie Lee Curtis.

Seriously! This is goddamn terrifying!

I leave you, reader, with the people who can discuss this best: the cast of Saturday Night Live.

The Middle Stall.

A while ago, I read that the middle stall, on average, is the most frequented of any in a given bathroom.  WHY? Why?  WHY?

Why would the middle stall be most appealing to people?  I really don’t get this.

The middle stall just seems yucky, and I don’t like it.Relieving yourself in the middle stall (assuming all others are available) leaves you more vulnerable.  Rather than being safely next to a wall, a wall which cannot produce alarming smells, noises, or ask you for toilet paper, people are choosing to sit and wait for others to surround them with their bathroom needs.  You’re just so much more exposed to danger.  Your shoes are more likely to get weirdly close to someone else’s, and who knows what will happen?  People are more likely to interact with you.  This is a private time.  It’s not social.  It is also more likely that the movement of someone else’s door will jumble yours and cause it to come undone – sometimes stalls are mounted all together, so when one moves, they all do, which creates a strange game of chance out of any potty party.  It’s awkward.

Walls protect you.  Go with walls.

Walls cannot spy on you.  Walls will not vomit on your shoes.  Walls will not text while pooping.  Walls will not cry on the phone.  Walls will not talk to their friends around you.  Walls will never leave the bathroom without washing their hands.

If you sit your bum in the middle stall, you are forcing people to sit next to you while they relieve themselves.  Give everyone space.  Don’t choose the middle stall first!