With all these recent political debates going about women’s health issues and so-called gay rights (ahem, Equal Rights, ahem), I thought it was only fair to question the rights of white, middle class males. Hell, I’ll question the rights of all males! That’s what we’re doing now, right? We’re just picking a group at random and taking away everything they deserve, or steadily denying their obvious rights. Great! Men are first on my chopping block.
Before we get started, I want to clarify the point of this post…
I understand that this blog might seem largely anti-man; it is meant to be a heavy-handed metaphor. When someone says, “Men shouldn’t have the right to vote,” people can easily react with, “Well, that’s ridiculous and stupid. We would never take away men’s right to vote just because they’re men.” That’s what I’m going for… If it is easy to see that we wouldn’t want to deny men’s rights simply based on their manliness, I hope it is easy to see that others shouldn’t be denied rights on equally basic identities. We’re not confused as to whether or not sex is a choice in a man, but we are confused about the “choice” of things like sexuality, marriage, and abortion. Personally, I don’t care if someone thinks being gay is a choice or not, either way, the rights should be provided. I get to choose if I want to be a liberal, or an English major, or a girlfriend. I want to also choose whether or not I can become a wife of a wife, or the wife of a husband.
I attacked men as an example. I do not think men are solely or wholly responsible for these issues that exist in American politics. That would be highly irresponsible. I believe that men are historically given more power, more say, and more of a share when it comes to politics and political movement. That does not, however, implicate all males as guilty parties in some kind of conspiracy. It simply means that men tend to have more power. This is why I chose to use men as a group. Of course men won’t lose their rights. That will never happen. That’s why I thought it could be powerful. This post is not meant to actually assert that men are evil and shouldn’t vote; it is simply a reframing of what seems to be rather random stripping of rights. Birth control, for example, is suddenly up for debate again, and I think that is just as ridiculous as denying men the right to vote.
Men should not have the right to vote.
- Because a man’s place is in the army.
- Because no really manly man wants to settle any question otherwise than by fighting about it.
- Because if men should adopt peaceable methods, women will no longer look up to them.
- Because men will lose their charm if they step out of their natural sphere and interest themselves in other matters than feats of arms, uniforms, and drums.
- Because men are too emotional to vote. Their conduct at baseball games and political conventions shows this, while their innate tendency to appeal to force renders them particularly unfit for the task of government.
Men should have to register all emissions of a bodily nature.
These emissions could have fertilized eggs, and are therefore alive. Thus, any time a man commits murder by ejaculating somewhere besides a vagina, he should have to report the lost lives to the government. If accidental, the man will simply be shamed and forced to live with the guilt. If his emission is a purposeful (likely porn-inspired) event, he will be prosecuted for obstruction of life. He will be forced to wear wooden undergarments for up to one year per emission.
Since birth control has suddenly become so controversial, it only seems right that we protect the rights of sperm denied the chance to swim into a cervix to burrow into a lady’s egg, and possibly create a possibly viable fetus.
Men should be punished for thinking the below things are “always lies.”
Sometimes women tell the truth. Not all women are trying to get pregnant. Some women don’t want kids, and a lot of women don’t want them for a long time. For a lot women, the words, “I’m not mad,” mean that she is not mad.
Men should have to write essays of explanation to everyone they bang, and to everyone they know about they people they bang.
As a woman, if I choose to sleep with anyone, I am opening myself up to all kinds of judgment. There are so many political ties to my vagina, and I believe a man ought to have the same level of political tape to get through for banging someone.
P.S. – Sarcasm is a powerful tool we use against powerful tools.