10 Weird Things I Learned On Vacation

  1. Ohio State fans are everywhere, and they keep strengthening my stereotypes.  The ones I saw were loud, made annoying parenting decisions, let kids swim during the adult swim hour, and were simply rude.
  2. Forest fires don’t scare enough people.  No fear.
  3. Don’t scream when you see a spider… At least not while the driver is merging into four lanes of traffic.  He will smite you.
  4. The art of secret farting is lost on some people.
  5. Don’t buy a salad in the U.P.  Don’t even try.
  6. The driver controls the radio.  Give up on those CDs you brought because it’s so not happening.
  7. Freighters are gigantic and terrifying.  So are people from Ohio.  (Not really, but it’s funny.)
  8. Rocks are still the most interesting part of my day.
  9. Bears are terrifying – even when they’re stuffed and in a glass box.
  10. Children are terrifying – especially if they enter your hot tub.  Game over.

Memorial Day

We want to say THANK YOU to all the veterans, service members, and their families.

 

Over this Memorial Day Holiday there have been shenanigans of all kinds, and it seems that a few people have lost sight of the meaning of this day off work.  Ahem, I’m talking to you, man-childs playing football in the street and shirtless ladies.  This is not just a break from the office, this is a day to be thankful. Keep in mind that while you’re working on that bro-tank tan-line, other people are deployed… in actual tanks.

For the most part, I saw people being respectful and really quite lovely.  Flags were at half-staff.  Salutes were saluted.  Graves were marked.  Even Sirius Radio was sweet about it.  I do not subscribe to jingoism, but I think thankfulness is good.  Sacrifices made by service members and their families are not necessarily political, the sacrifices are simply big.  While we are often political, but today is not about politics, and we want to just be nice.  We’re not ranting.  We might be raising some concerns, though.

 

Wishing you all a safe and happy Memorial Day,

Kate and Patty

 

 

Hide Your Tampon, You Beast!

Are we afraid of periods?  Are we afraid of tampons or pads?  Do ladies think dudes don’t know about periods?  Don’t dudes know?  Periods are not an attack on society.  We all get them.  It just happens, y’all.

I had a wonderful experience this week.  I was in the wide open spaces of my office (visible from the doorway), when I ferociously dug through my purse, carelessly took a tampon from my tiny lady business purse, and dared to hold it for all to see before shoving it, slowly, into my giant dress pocket.  That’s right, people.  I grabbed a tampon – IN THE OPEN.  I am a monster!

Moments after my sinful act, a concerned elderly lady (actually elderly) explained to me that she saw me perform this act of horror, and that I was inappropriate, dishonorable, and altogether yucky.  She was offended by my tampon stashing.  She was offended by my lack of discretion.  She felt I should be more careful, and far sneakier whilst collecting and transporting such feminine goods.  WRONG.

I am not ashamed of my menstruation.  I am a woman in my (barf) child-bearing years.  I get my punctuation every month.  Personally, I consider the crimson tide a celebration of life unmade.  Most single, sexually active women probably have similar reactions.  Sure, cramps happen, but cramps are the song a body sings to remind you that labor would be even worse.  It is a warning and a party all at once.  At this point though, it’s really just a party.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU DIDN’T MAKE A BABY!  Thank you for telling me, body.  This is great news!

People should not be weirded out by a young woman with a tampon, a pad, or some other period-y product.  It’s in the wrapping.  It’s new.  How is my period offensive?  I don’t want to tell you about it.  I just want to be able to carry a tampon in my own damn office, or down a damn hallway, or in front of other people.  Why?  Because I do.  It’s a fucking tampon.  Get over it, you child.

I was never nervous or embarrassed by buying feminine hygiene products, even as a teenager.  I have friends who still get embarrassed about holding tampons or whatever in the store, but I don’t.  If I don’t feel weird, why should you?  I should be able to walk up to a check out lane with condoms, tampons, pads, adult diapers, hemroid cream, diet pills, and crocs without shame, and without making anyone else feel ashamed.  You don’t know me.  I don’t know you.  Nothing should be that surprising.

Vaginas bleed sometimes.  Sometimes guys get boners.  People buy condoms.  I buy tampons.

The next time some one in a store, or an office, or wherever gets all weirded out by seeing me with a tampon, I will bust out the below tampon flute and go to town on that bitch.

Christina Aguilera Won’t Let Me Like Her

I’ve got 99 problems, and her attitude is #1.

Oh, Christina…

I should warn you all that this post is largely about The Voice on NBC.  I love this show, and I’m not ashamed of it.  If you have seen any clips or episodes, you may have noticed that Christina Aguilera has been acting a little rude, a little conceited, and sometimes just completely unlikable.  I want to like her, but just won’t let me.

I didn’t understand “Genie in a Bottle,” but I loved it. I liked it too.  Yes, when she went through her slutty phase, it was hard for me to support her, but she had empowering songs, and “Beautiful,” which is a great song, dammit.  Even when she was “Dirty,” she was likable.  She sang about how dudes can be “players,” but ladies are “sluts” and “whores.”  I think that’s a great point.  Ladies should be able to do exactly what dudes do.  We are equal, and she demanded that – even if we were just talking sex.  Also, she’s a friggin’ machine.  This girl can sing like nobody.  She is just so powerful, and skilled.  My god, she’s good.  You have to respect that.  If I was that good, I would probably have quite an ego, so I do understand hers.  She deserves to be a little cocky, but she could save it for the stage.  I miss liking her.

Basically, Christina was always a little crazy, but I liked the craziness before.  What was different about seeing her as a coach on The Voice?  I guess, I just didn’t know she was kind of mean.  Instead of being humble, kind, considerate, or normal, she’s just shown that she’s a bit too obsessed with herself to really give people the time of day, or the consideration of tact.  She is usually correct in her criticisms; I just wish she’d be nicer about it.

If I had a genie in a bottle, I would ask him to make Christina Aguilera likable again.

To Tony Lucca (aka Mr. Tries-Too-Hard), she called his ass out once.  I was happy.  When she told him that he seemed “one-dimensional” it helped him.  He stepped his game way up, and he was thankful for the comment.  That’s what good criticism does.

But… then she just wouldn’t lay off.  Sometimes, she needed to just say, “Good job,” and leave it at that.  Her final critique was fair and a good point; she complained that doing Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” was a little strange considering its derogatory lyrics and his status as a husband and father (of a daughter).  I don’t really understand why he chose to do this song.  Yes, it was cool.  Yes, it was edgy (I guess).  I think, that like many people, I was sick of how damn hard this guy was trying.  We get it. You’re cool.  Now, sing an actual blues/rock song.  Her criticism was refreshing.  She also complimented the performance and said some nice things.  The problem is that she spent the whole season being a tool to this dude and to Adam Levine (who seems like a tool anyway), so this criticism just seemed like yet another whiny, self-obsessed insult.  It didn’t come off as the rather adept industry-wide issue it is.  OY

Another issue: she was a little cold to all the guests.  Both J. Biebs and The Wanted performed this season and were allegedly “snubbed” by Ms. Aguilera.  She just could have been a little nicer, a little humbler.

Another issue: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE WEARING? WHY WON’T SHE JUST WEAR SOMETHING NORMAL WITH NORMAL HAIR AND NORMAL MAKE-UP?  Why? …. Oh, Christina…

One of many crimes. What is this atrocity?

This actually doesn’t look that bad… but still.

Choose one crazy accessory. Also, wear pants more often. Please!

Suddenly, it seemed like she had fired her crazed stylist, hair and make-up team, and actually just brushed her hair and put on a nice dress. I praised the heavens. It didn’t last.

My point is that I want to like Christina Aguilera.  She is so amazingly talented.  Why can’t she just be nicer?

I’ve got 99 problems, and her attitude is #1.

Okay, Justin Bieber Thinks He Is Literally Justin Timberlake

I hope you saw my previous, and very recent post about Justin Bieber in which I accuse him of wanting to be Justin Timberlake – “Justin Bieber thinks he is The Ying Yang Twins plus *NSYNC.”  It is now undeniable.  This kid’s song, “Boyfriend” is just “Wait (the whisper song)” mixed with *NSYNC’s “Girlfriend.”  Now, he has released the video for “Girlfriend 2.0” “Boyfriend.”  It is exactly the same as *NSYNC’s video.

IT’S EXACTLY THE SAME.

Look at this damn video:

 

Compare it to this:

 

THIS IS YOUR FACE!

This poor kid.  He’s probably really nice.  I just can’t get behind his attempt to replace J. Timberlake…

 

They’re the same!

Justin Bieber, you will never replace the real Justin.

The World Needs Boring People Too

It took me a long time to realize that the world needs boring people too, even while the world parties.  It really is the case.  If there were only excitable, excited, loud-mouthed, dancing party animals, this world would collapse.  “Boring people” as I used to call them are the responsible ones at parties.  They are actually just quiet people.  Sometimes, even the loud-mouths take a night off to observe, or just read.  Quiet people are important.  They read the room.  They see all the drunkies being drunkies and can preemptively give out water and bread.  They are party-medics.  I want to make sure we’re protecting and supporting these sweet, quiet people.

I didn’t used to understand the quiet people at parties, though I was occasionally one of them.  I used to be annoyed by the hushed folks in corners, those drinking water and forcing it on others, and those who would shy away from vulgar dancing during beer pong, but they’re great.  They’ll bust a move if the song is good enough.  They’ll bring you water.  They’ll bring you blankets when the night is over.  They might even drive you home.  Don’t hate on the quiet people.

That said, party poopers are jerks.  If you don’t want to drink, cool beans.  If you don’t feel like dancing, also fine.  If you want to drink water, you are a smart person.  However, if you are going to a drinking party, don’t judge the people around you for drinking.  The party is focused around drinking, everyone is playing a drinking game.  You’re not above it.  You’re at the party, so don’t be all weird about parties.

Not all quiet people are boring.  Not all quiet people are party poopers.  I just hope our drunk selves can remember that and protect the innocent sober people who would rather be reading, but are sacrificing their Saturdays to take care of their friends.

Thank your DD again, and maybe buy them a taco.