On Graduation

Maybe this is you.

This is probably what your college is doing now.

 

Maybe this is your current situation.

 

You probably feel a little like this.

 

We hope it feels like this.

It’s Senior Portraits, Not a Centerfold.

Why have senior pictures become the new place for 18 year old girls to showcase their budding bazongas? Or young men to fantasize that they’re on the cover of GQ? Here are some things NOT to do when you’re getting your (or you know someone else who is getting their) senior pictures taken.

1. Wear make up, but don’t channel Liza Minnelli. Nobody looks good like that.

2. Wear real clothes. In fact, wear your regular clothes, or maybe one step nicer. Remember, your mom is giving copies of these to your grandparents. Do you really think they want to see your cleavage or your bare chest? Yeah, think again.

3. Don’t pose in strange, contorted ways. The idea shouldn’t be “How can we twist you so your boobs hang out?” Just stand or sit normally. Move your chin up and down the way the photographer tells you to so your face doesn’t look weird because of shadows. If he tells you to throw your head back and grab a pole, you may want to consider another photographer–dude’s obviously a perv.

4. Keep your eyes open. There is no reason you need to close your eyes, especially when you’re lying down. Hello, I don’t care how your eyeshadow looked when you were eighteen; I care how you looked. Including your eyes.

5. Smile. Don’t try to be Tyra Banks and “smile with your eyes” to look sexy. You come off looking like an amateur centerfold with your lips half-parted. If you wanna be in pornos, wait til after high school.

15 Reasons Your Waitress Hates You

    1. She knows you’ll give her a shitty tip.
    2. You’ve hit on her.  She’s not interested.
    3. You grabbed her ass.  Really?
    4. You will continue your cell phone conversation while we are taking your order.  Then, you’ll hold up your hand to her, so that she doesn’t interrupt.  
    5. There are kids with you.  Oh, god.  Leave your badly behaved kids at home. 
    6. You will make her say how cute your evil kids are while they are pouring out their food and breaking everything.  Thank you.
    7. You’re blaming her for food you don’t like, or prices you don’t like.  She didn’t cook it.  She didn’t price it.
    8. Your specialty order is out of control.  You want extra onions, no olives, extra cheese, no salsa, replace the beans with fish, replace the salt with ice cream…  Something will be missed in the kitchen.  You will flip out.  
    9. You didn’t tell her about your food allergy until after she brought out your food.  “Oh, does this bread have wheat in it?  I’m allergic.”  If you have an allergy to wheat or gluten, don’t order a sandwich.  If you have an apple allergy, don’t order the apple pie.  Consider these rules.
    10. You complain about the meal, after you eat all of it.  Well, she could have tried to fix that… but okay.
    11. You ask for extra napkins four times.  You’re eating a hamburger.  How many friggin’ napkins do you need?  
    12. You will claim there is something wrong with your diet coke.  She knows that there is nothing wrong.  She will either 1) walk to the back, pause, and bring the same drink back to you, and you will say it tastes better, OR 2) will walk to the same machine which filled your glass last time, dump it out, then refill it, and suddenly, you will like it.  Either way, it’s the same.  You have wasted her time.
    13. You won’t leave when you’re done.  She wants to put new people in your table.  New people who will pay her more.  You are costing her money.
    14. She is stereotyping you based on age and the people you’re with.  Super young = bad tip.  Super old = bad tip.  Bunch of ladies = bad tip.  Bunch of douchey guys = good tip.  First date = good tip.  Super drunk = either super bad or stupid good.  Bitches/Assholes = likely a stiff.
    15. Oh, right.  THE BAD TIP THING.  For the record, 15% is base minimum.  20% for good service.  10% if the waitress attacked you, forgot your food, insulted your hair, hit on your husband, poured whiskey on your dress…

On Napping – An Insomniac’s Confusion

Hello.  I am an insomniac.  I do not nap.  I don’t understand napping.  I barely understand sleeping.  Napping is confusing.  How do people sleep during the day?  My freshmen year roommate (who is amazing, by the way) was a champion napper.  I was always so impressed by her ability to randomly fall asleep when the sun was still shining, people were still running about, and while her mind was still buzzing away.  I have trouble sleeping in the dead of night, without distractions.  I truly cannot understand how people can settle down enough to sleep before nightfall.  I have only ever napped when very, very ill.  I also went through a phase when I was sleeping only about two hours per night… During that period, I did occasionally fall asleep randomly, but that was more like dying briefly because my body was so close to death.

It was like this:

Everyone else is adorable when they nap.  They look normal and together.  They look very grateful for the rest.  They are simply overjoyed to be asleep.  They look like this:

Recently, I was compelled to sleep more, and also to nap in a normal way.  I experienced this strange day-sleep on Sunday (the fun day of some), and it was confusing, but beautiful.  I had a few dreams.  The rain lulled me in and out of my sleepiness.  I awoke with fabric lines on my face and arms.  In some ways it was glorious, but it was also largely confusing.  Basically, my boyfriend is a sleep magician, a nap sensei.  He’s a champion sleeper, too.

What is this napping?  How does it work?  How did I do it?  What?

Napping seems like an art form I cannot understand, or a language I don’t speak.  Shouldn’t people be productive during the day and sleepy at night (or in my case, awake all day and weirdly productive at night)?  I guess, I’m just a weird freak.  I just don’t sleep.  I want to sleep.  I just don’t get it.

10 Ways to Beat (Read: Hide) Your Phobia (as an “Adult”)

This past week, I faced my greatest fear: the dentist.  Though I gave myself multiple pep-talks, rationalized, and even texted my friends to demand their support, it didn’t go quite as planned.  In fact, it was pathetic.  I silently cried; my tears were only silent through brutish will power.  I had to use every ounce of strength I had to keep myself from shaking too hard… but it was still hard enough that the dentist had to stop a few times.  I almost hyperventilated twice, but I didn’t all the way.  It wasn’t a total disaster, but it was pretty sad.  Ultimately, I got through it.  It was embarrassing, but I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t scared, I couldn’t hide my shaking, I couldn’t convince anyone that I was just fine.  The dentist was able to perform the procedures I needed.  She comforted me with words of wisdom, general cooing, and music.  I had to be treated like a slightly stoic child.  The key to my “success” in overcoming my intense, phobia-level fear of the dentist can be found in this list…  Also, flossing helps.  Keep flossing.
  1. Be upfront.  Warn the people around you.  For me, that meant warning the dentist and her staff that I was afraid, and that I had hyperventilated previously, and that my fear would be a silent, but dramatic experience for us all.
  2. Make jokes.  Specifically, make self-effacing, situational jokes.  I had to address the fact that I was sitting there, mouth pried open, tears rolling down my cheeks, shaking like a Kardashian in the presence of a talented person, whimpering like a baby, while also attempting to be an adult.  No, really, I have my own insurance.  I have a full-time job.  I’m actually not a child… I think.
  3. Laugh at yourself.  If you don’t, you’ll look like a tool.  It was friggin’ hilarious to see me in that chair.  I had to accept that.  Plus, me laughing at the situation helped the dentist to know that I wasn’t angry, or terrified beyond reason.  I knew I was being ridiculous, and acknowledging that was important.
  4. Address yourself as a crazy person.  When facing the notion of dentistry, I must remind myself that I am crazy.  It helps.
  5. Remember what the benefits are.  I just kept reminding myself that people go to the dentist all the time, and that I care about my ability to chew.  Chewing means eating watermelon.  I cannot live without watermelon.
  6. Talk to yourself.  A LOT.  Whilst undergoing my drillings and fillings, I had a little mantra going.  It went like this, “Breathe slowly.  Don’t bite her.  You’re not in pain.  Breathe slowly.  Don’t bite her.  You’re not in pain.”  When that failed, I had to remind myself that my actual fear was that I would be hurt, but that I’d felt much worse pain that actually possible from dentistry.
  7. If you must cry, do it silently.
  8. Thank everyone around you, often and sincerely.  Those poor people who had to work on me.  I was awful.  I was scary.  I apologized 400 times.
  9. Limit exposure to humans, especially children.  If you think you might scream, cry, yell, flip-the-eff-out, you should make sure you’re passing your fear on to as few people as possible.  I didn’t want some poor 5-year-old to be sitting in the waiting room, listening to me panic, and think, “Holy moly.  They’re torturing people back there.”
  10. Take all the medication you are offered.  From laughing gas to Novocaine, I was drugged up, and it really helped.  Accept all numbing concoctions, pills, gasses, and creams.  Don’t pretend you’re stronger than you are.
 

10 Things I Hate About Pedestrians

Pedestrians should be a respected, respectable group of humans.  I love that you are getting your walk on.  I support it.  You should walk more often, so I’m happy to see you walking.  However, you should also try to be safe.  Here are some things you are doing wrong.

  1. Look up! You are walking in front of cars.  Do not trust cars.  Do not assume cars will stop moving to avoid crushing/impaling/ruining your fleshy bodies.  Cars are not reliable.  Look up and assess the situation.  You shouldn’t only look up, of course, but it does help from time to time.
  2. Look around! Watch the people.  Some of the people around you may be trying to steal from you, return things you have dropped, talk to you, hit on you, yell at you, or even give you free stuff.  Know your surroundings.  There are cool things to see.  There are people to see.  The world is a great place, so look at it.
  3. Don’t text. Your text can wait until you’ve safely stopped, until you’ve finished crossing the street, until you aren’t at risk of body-checking a stranger.
  4. Single file in crowded areas.  Two-abreast at most!  There are other people on the sidewalks.  Let them pass.  Just because you have four people in your group does not mean you get to walk in a line that blocks all other.
  5. Do not stop randomly.  There are people behind you.  They will run into you.  Pull to the side and pause.  Don’t pull the e-break unless necessary.
  6. Be clothed.  I’m sick of seeing people’s under-butts, baby-makers, and general genitalia.
  7. Look, then merge.  You are a solid object.  Other people are solid objects.  Wait to merge until there is an opening… like driving.
  8. Don’t swear around children.  C’mon.  Be polite.  There are kiddos around you.
  9. No screaming.  Just stop screaming.  Please.
  10. No littering.  It’s illegal.  It’s rude.  It’s messy.  It’s altogether uncouth.  Find a trash can, you lazy-bones.

This is you. You are hard to see.

The Disappearing Daters, Part 1

The Fade-Away Boyfriend

This is the guy you date for a while, maybe as many as seven or eight dates that all seem normal, even good.  Then, suddenly, the dude stops calling, texting, responding, and a few days later, you realize you’re no longer dating.  He never tells you.  He never says a word about it.  He just disappears.

Occasionally, one of these disappeared-dudes will suddenly reappear.  This is usually after you have accepted the communication silence as a sign that you are no longer dating; thus, it will probably enrage you.  You’ll be all like: “What the hell, dude?  You haven’t talked to me in a month!”  Then, he’ll be all like: “So, wanna go to a play tomorrow?”  Then, you’ll be all like: “No. You haven’t talked to me in a month.” And then he’ll re-disappear.  Everyone will walk away a little confused.

Perhaps we can all agree that relationships expire after 10 days of no contact?

The Missed-Text Fictioner

You text on Tuesday morning.  You receive this text on Wednesday night: “Oh, I didn’t see your text until just now.”

Right, because you don’t carry your phone in your pocket… on which you didn’t update your facebook status… using which you sent no emails.  Right…

Maybe you just don’t want to talk to me?  Just be upfront, weirdo.

This is an amazing meme.

The “I-Lost-My-Phone”-Liar

No you didn’t.

Lots of people claim to have lost phones, which results in losing numbers, not responding, and apparently losing all access to all forms of communication.  In this day and age, that is just not the case.  There are so many computers available, and so many ways to communicate.  If you really wanted to talk to me, you would be talking to me.

If you find yourself dating someone who intermittently loses their phone, or doesn’t see your messages, or forgets to call you, give up on them.  They are in the process of disappearing, and you should get out before you start to care a lot.  You are playing a dangerous game.

The “He-Didn’t-Wow-Me”-Ladypants

Imagine you go on a date with some chick that your friends set up with for a lovely blind-date; it goes pretty well.  Now, imagine you ask that chick on another date, but you never hear back.  You try again.  No response.  Naturally, you ask your friend what the deal is.  Why isn’t this fine little honey calling you back?

Your friend investigates and finds out that the girl was altogether unimpressed with you because you were “clearly not trying to WOW her.”  She apparently was offended that you brought no flowers, no gifts, and that you allowed the date to be paid “dutch” after she asked to pay…  Um…  She did not bring you flowers.  She brought you no chocolates or gifts.  What the hell?

This crazy bizzo actually expected to receive gifts on a first date.  Let this one disappear.  Let her disappear hard.

Your-Name-Makes-Me-Run-Away

Ladies sometimes consider what last name they might take on – if they are straight, plan to marry, and have traditional views on name-changing (or perhaps a terrible last name that they wouldn’t mind losing).  This means that we must consider what a last name could do to us.  If I consider hyphenating my name (last name WHITE), I have to be careful.  If I marry someone whose last name is Powers, or Mann, or Ness, or Powder, or Snow… well, it would be bad.  Seeing as my first name is Patty, I also don’t want to take the last name Cakes, or Hamburg.  I feel it would be bad.

Some girls are so afraid of bad last names, they will break-up with someone upon learning it.  I know a dude who was dumped because the girl felt that if she ever were to take his name, it would ruin her life.  His last name is fine, but for a 6’1″, muscular, rugby-playing woman, his name was a deal-breaker.  She said that because people already thought she was a cross-dresser, she couldn’t handle a last name like his.  I will leave out his name, but give you some similar examples: Mann, Biggs, Hardeman, StrongMan, BigGuy, ManLady, etc.


Keep Your Tongue In Your Own Mouth.

You realize you’re in a grocery store, right? I get that the melons get your motor runnin’, but good lord, there are children here! I don’t understand why making your way through one aisle of cereal necessitates a match of tonsil hockey. There are totally acceptable times to smooch. One of them is not on  Sunday morning in every aisle of the grocery store when I unfortunately happen to be following your trajectory through the store. Especially when you’re still vaguely hungover and smell a bit like Ke$ha probably smells most days–a combination of Jack and vomit. I get that you’re, oh, I don’t know, newly in-love or something, but just cool it and quit groping each other. Does she really need a butt pinch near the Campbell’s Soup? Does he need an exaggerated arm squeeze by the ketchup? A butt pat by the baked beans? Next thing I know you’re gonna be motor boating her while stocking up on macaroni and cheese! Can’t you just put your arms around each other like a normal couple and be cute instead of acting like you’re filming some kind of fresh produce porno?

April Fools (You’re the Fool)

Pregnancy is not a joke.  Please don’t joke about being pregnant.

  • It is an imminent danger, people.
  • You might already be preggers, and you just don’t know yet.

Don’t joke about being hurt, sick, or imprisoned.

  • We’re your friends.  We’ll be worried.
  • Ever heard of a curse?
  • How about the boy who cried wolf?

Don’t fake break-up.

  • We deal with enough drama as is.
  • If you’re one of my crazy friends… Well, it won’t go as planned.
  • Real fights might result.

Just don’t be a total dick.

  • Don’t worry people.
  • Don’t leave your joke hanging for too long. People will believe it.
  • Punchlines also require good timing.
  • Your life is not a PUNK’D episode.

(On another note, why did they remove the “E” from that title?  It makes no sense…)