This is probably what your college is doing now.
Maybe this is your current situation.
You probably feel a little like this.
We hope it feels like this.
Why have senior pictures become the new place for 18 year old girls to showcase their budding bazongas? Or young men to fantasize that they’re on the cover of GQ? Here are some things NOT to do when you’re getting your (or you know someone else who is getting their) senior pictures taken.
1. Wear make up, but don’t channel Liza Minnelli. Nobody looks good like that.
2. Wear real clothes. In fact, wear your regular clothes, or maybe one step nicer. Remember, your mom is giving copies of these to your grandparents. Do you really think they want to see your cleavage or your bare chest? Yeah, think again.
3. Don’t pose in strange, contorted ways. The idea shouldn’t be “How can we twist you so your boobs hang out?” Just stand or sit normally. Move your chin up and down the way the photographer tells you to so your face doesn’t look weird because of shadows. If he tells you to throw your head back and grab a pole, you may want to consider another photographer–dude’s obviously a perv.
4. Keep your eyes open. There is no reason you need to close your eyes, especially when you’re lying down. Hello, I don’t care how your eyeshadow looked when you were eighteen; I care how you looked. Including your eyes.
5. Smile. Don’t try to be Tyra Banks and “smile with your eyes” to look sexy. You come off looking like an amateur centerfold with your lips half-parted. If you wanna be in pornos, wait til after high school.
Hello. I am an insomniac. I do not nap. I don’t understand napping. I barely understand sleeping. Napping is confusing. How do people sleep during the day? My freshmen year roommate (who is amazing, by the way) was a champion napper. I was always so impressed by her ability to randomly fall asleep when the sun was still shining, people were still running about, and while her mind was still buzzing away. I have trouble sleeping in the dead of night, without distractions. I truly cannot understand how people can settle down enough to sleep before nightfall. I have only ever napped when very, very ill. I also went through a phase when I was sleeping only about two hours per night… During that period, I did occasionally fall asleep randomly, but that was more like dying briefly because my body was so close to death.
It was like this:
Everyone else is adorable when they nap. They look normal and together. They look very grateful for the rest. They are simply overjoyed to be asleep. They look like this:
Recently, I was compelled to sleep more, and also to nap in a normal way. I experienced this strange day-sleep on Sunday (the fun day of some), and it was confusing, but beautiful. I had a few dreams. The rain lulled me in and out of my sleepiness. I awoke with fabric lines on my face and arms. In some ways it was glorious, but it was also largely confusing. Basically, my boyfriend is a sleep magician, a nap sensei. He’s a champion sleeper, too.
What is this napping? How does it work? How did I do it? What?
Napping seems like an art form I cannot understand, or a language I don’t speak. Shouldn’t people be productive during the day and sleepy at night (or in my case, awake all day and weirdly productive at night)? I guess, I’m just a weird freak. I just don’t sleep. I want to sleep. I just don’t get it.
Pedestrians should be a respected, respectable group of humans. I love that you are getting your walk on. I support it. You should walk more often, so I’m happy to see you walking. However, you should also try to be safe. Here are some things you are doing wrong.
You realize you’re in a grocery store, right? I get that the melons get your motor runnin’, but good lord, there are children here! I don’t understand why making your way through one aisle of cereal necessitates a match of tonsil hockey. There are totally acceptable times to smooch. One of them is not on Sunday morning in every aisle of the grocery store when I unfortunately happen to be following your trajectory through the store. Especially when you’re still vaguely hungover and smell a bit like Ke$ha probably smells most days–a combination of Jack and vomit. I get that you’re, oh, I don’t know, newly in-love or something, but just cool it and quit groping each other. Does she really need a butt pinch near the Campbell’s Soup? Does he need an exaggerated arm squeeze by the ketchup? A butt pat by the baked beans? Next thing I know you’re gonna be motor boating her while stocking up on macaroni and cheese! Can’t you just put your arms around each other like a normal couple and be cute instead of acting like you’re filming some kind of fresh produce porno?
Pregnancy is not a joke. Please don’t joke about being pregnant.
Don’t joke about being hurt, sick, or imprisoned.
Don’t fake break-up.
Just don’t be a total dick.
(On another note, why did they remove the “E” from that title? It makes no sense…)