10 Reasons I Like Winter Dating Better

  1. I’m almost never sweaty without choosing to be sweaty in the winter. When I work out, I sweat.  That much is fine with me.  In the summer, I sweat without warning.  In the winter, I don’t sweat unless I choose to sweat.  This means that the person I’m dating doesn’t have to see me sweating without reason.
  2. I get to wear layers, which means I get to hide things.  Goodbye big sweaters!  Hello sundresses!  Oh god!  So much skin!  So much brutal honesty about my body!  I want to hide under knits!
  3. My skin is rosy and prettier when it’s cold. When it’s hot, I’m sunburned and oily.  No thanks.  I’d rather be crisp.
  4. Snowball fights are amazing.
  5. Cuddling is far more appealing when it’s not 80 Fahrenheit.  Who wants to share back sweat?  How about in-between-boobies sweat?  Let’s stick to each other!
  6. There are no bikinis.  Screw you, bikini season!
  7. There are no sunburns in the winter-time.  There are so many sunburns in the summer-time.  It’s hard to be sexy with a sunburn…
  8. Getting drunk is not as gross in the winter.  In the summer, you’re dewy and sweaty; beer becomes an enemy.  Winter drinking gives you an alcohol-blanket that will be your friend all night.
  9. All the skinny chicks look like penguins in the summer, but me, I look hearty and amazing.  In the summer, I look frizzy and swollen compared to the many stick-figures walking about dressed in napkins.  No hate, they look great.
  10. No mosquitoes.  Mosquitoes are not sexy.

This is me - all summer long.

Hoodies don’t kill people. People kill people.

This morning I caught wind of comments Geraldo Rivera made on the recent shooting death of Trayvon Martin in Florida. For those who aren’t familiar, the teen was walking in a Florida neighborhood toward his step-mother’s home with a box of candy in his hand when a neighborhood watch member called 911 to report a “suspicious” person in the neighborhood and proceded to follow Martin. He shot the teen (the 911 tapes present a case that appears as if he held Martin screaming for his life at gunpoint before shooting him) in the chest and claimed “self-defense.” Because of the gun laws currently in place in Florida, the shooter has not been charged or arrested for murdering this young man.

This has spurred some discussion nationally about gun laws, vigilantism, and race/racial relations (Martin was black. The shooter was, I believe, white or Latino). Geraldo Rivera weighed in on this event on Fox and Friends recently:

“I am urging the parents of black and Latino youngsters particularly not to let their children go out wearing hoodies. I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin‘s death as much as George Zimmerman was […] Trayvon Martin, God bless him, an innocent kid, a wonderful kid, a box of Skittles in his hands. He didn’t deserve to die. But I bet you money, if he didn’t have that hoodie on, that nutty neighborhood watch guy wouldn’t have responded in that violent and aggressive way.”

In other words, in Rivera’s opinion, hoodies kill people. Yes, because some guy apparently decided to make the connection between an item of clothing that the majority of people across the nation have worn at some point–the hooded sweatshirt–and  crime, black and Latino kids shouldn’t wear them. What??!

Rivera’s logic is akin to saying women shouldn’t wear short skirts because they’re “asking” to be raped. Clothes don’t cause crimes. They don’t. People commit crimes. People act in violent ways. People make the decision to kill, to rape. Not clothing. Blaming the victim gets us nowhere when the conversation should be focused on whether or not Florida’s laws protect its citizens from harm, or whether the way the laws are written prevent guilty parties from being held responsible for their actions. In this case, they seem to be preventing a man who stalked an innocent young man down a public street because he felt that the young man looked “suspicious” fro being held responsible for what he has done. Suspicion should not warrant cause to shoot and kill someone–ESPECIALLY a child–in cold blood.

Furthermore, why just “black and Latino youngsters”? If Rivera hasn’t cued us all in that race played a huge role in the relative “suspicion” of Trayvon Martin walking around a relatively upscale Florida neighborhood, then I don’t know what will. But why is he blaming minority youth for a problem that obviously lies in the perception of black and Latino youth by white America? It’s NOT okay for people to jump to conclusions based on race! Haven’t we had this conversation over and over? Do we really need to have it again because Rivera is giving racism a free pass by blaming hoodie-wearing black kids for being shot in broad daylight carrying candy and nothing else? Why are we blaming Trayvon Martin for his clothes when we should be charging a racist murderer for a heinous, disgusting, and deplorable crime?

I Guess We’re Sluts Too!

We’re sluts.  We’re sluts.  We’re sluts, sluts, sluts.  S-L-U-T.  Sluts.  Sluts.  Sluts.

Stop pretending that your religion or political stance means you get to take away people’s rights and call them sluts for being realistic.  People have sex.  I have sex.  If you’re not having sex, you probably wish you were.

Now, watch the REFORMED WHORES perform, “I’m a Slut.”



Kate and Patty “believe” in birth control and think condoms are a good idea for people.  We would like to choose when our baby makers make babies.  Men don’t seem to get it.  Rush Limbaugh is a crazed asshole, and he needs to get his mind out of our vaginas.

Flick Off

Imagine you’re stopped at a red light. You’re bobbing your head along to whatever music is on your radio, and then you notice the guy next to you. He rolls down his window and, sticking his hand out, flicks his cigarette onto the pavement.

Now, generally, people don’t do or say anything–myself included–to Mr. Litterer, but I have a confession to make: THIS DRIVES ME NUTS. And it has, ever since I was a kid. I remember driving in the car with my dad who would ALWAYS flick his cigarettes out the window. I never, ever liked it.

Don’t get me wrong–this isn’t about smoking. Do what you want; I’m not about to judge, and I don’t think it’s necessary for the world to hold smokers up as some kind of social scapegoat. HOWEVER–flicking your cigarette out the window isn’t any different than throwing a wadded up cheeseburger wrapper out. It’s littering and it makes streets gross. And this is public space, for crying out loud!

I guess nonchalant littering in general just really makes me angry because it shows a blatant disrespect for other people. It’s nice that you don’t care whether there are cigarette butts and McDonald’s paper cups and straws on the street, but maybe those of us who walk around this neighborhood care. Maybe the birds don’t want to build nests out of dirty cigarette filters. Maybe you shouldn’t leave shit with your DNA on it lying around in the street, damnit.

So, generally, people of the world: put your trash in trash receptacles. That’s what they’re there for. Because, unlike babies, you’re responsible for your own trash. I am not responsible for your half-chewed straws, your cigarette butts, your paper cups, your tampons (yes, I recently saw a TAMPON lying around in the street), your kleenex, your receipts, and all the other crap you think it’s okay to just dump around in everyone else’s way. Public streets are communal streets. We all use them. And unless you’re some kind of sociopath who doesn’t have the capability of empathy or general humanness, pick up/throw away your shit!!!

Your Facebook Status Bums Me Out

I’m bummed out.  Why?  Because I read your facebook status.

1.  It’s spelled wrong – very wrong.

  • “Your not the smartest perosn in teh wrld.”  You may be right.  Well, if you meant you.
  • “My neighbors r SO loud!!! I can here everything their saying!”

2.  You’re fishing for compliments.

  •  “Ugh!  I’m SO fat today!”
  • “I should not have had a second Pringle.  Now, I’ll be fat forever!”
  • “OMG! I wish I was skinny like I was in High School…”  Wishing anything about your life was more like high school is never acceptable.  
  • “Yay! I lost 3 lbs. Too bad I still need to lose 400! JK LOL HaHa… But, seriously, though.”
  • “Do I look fat?” (attached bikini picture below…)

3.  Your math is wrong.

  • “Snooki is pregnant and due on December 21st… The dates the Mayans predicted the world will end!” If we already know she’s pregnant, she cannot be due in OVER nine months.  It only takes nine months to pop out a baby, you dumbass.  
4.  You’re bragging.
  • “Blah, blah, blah… I bought this thing!”
  • “OMG!  My boyfriend/girlfriend bought me this thing!”
  • “Another iPhone?  What am I gonna do with this?!” (sent from facebook mobile)
  • “Yay!  Daddy bought me a BMW!”

5.  You’re really over-sharing.

  • “I am so bloated… Ugh!”
  • “Beard-burn! hehehe”
  • “I’m gonna regret last night…” (along with 400 photos)
  • “Guess what I got pierced?”
  • “Blah, blah, blah… sex…”
  • “Blah, blah, blah… drugs…”
  • “Blah, blah, blah… money…”

6.  You’re way too depressed to be on facebook…  You should call a friend.

  • “I have no friends!”  What about all your facebook friends?
  • “I cannot BELIEVE he dumped me!  I’m devastated!  I’m dying!”
  • “I hate my life.”  I hate it too…
  • “I haven’t stopped crying in four days!!!”

7.  You’re fighting with someone…  You should just call them.

  • “I hate my boyfriend.  He’s such a jerk sometimes.  Why can’t he just listen to me…”
  • “Tina is a bitch.”
  • “You are an asshole.  I hate you.  You’re so dumb.”
  • “Blah, blah, blah… WAAAAA!”
8.  You’re being sexually explicit… or implicit.  Don’t be sexual.
  • “I want to see you naked.”
  • “I’m gonna see you naked.”
  • See picture…

9.  You’re way too obsessed with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

  • “I love you, baby!” (tags boyfriend/girlfriend)
  • “Cuddle time!”
  • “Snuggle time!”
  • “I love my baby!”
  • “BF/GF TIME!”

10.  You just update too often.  Shut up!

  • “Blah…”
  • “Blah…”
  • “Blah…”
  • “Blah…”
  • “Blah…”
  • “Blah…”

These are all awful.  These are all things you should keep to yourself, or at the very least edit.

Lessons in Being Illogical, or How to Make a Worthless and Stupid Argument

Although I now live about 500 miles from my hometown, I try to keep up on somewhat-local news there. I follow the local paper on Twitter as part of this effort. On my bus ride today, I ran across a tweet of a letter to the editor, and it read as follows:

If gas prices keep going up the way they are, and are supposed to hit a projected $5 by summer, how are people going to afford to even leave their house?

I have a cabin on Secord Lake, by Gladwin, and my parents are already talking about selling their boat. Hauling the boat back and forth from our house to the cabin will be way too costly, and leaving it at the cabin and paying for the gas on the water will be insane.

I don’t think the government realizes how much gas prices affect the middle and lower class people of this country. Something needs to be done about it very soon.

In the past two years at Secord Lake, the houses/cabins for sale have been rising drastically. It is very sad to go up there and see all these places for sale when in reality it is mostly due to the high gas prices and people not being able to afford it.

Doesn’t the government want us to spend money and get the economy going again? Well, lower the gas prices and let us live a little.

I will try to avoid the politics of this by focusing on the stupidity of this argument. Essentially, this dude is saying that the government should lower gas prices so he can take his parents’ boat up to his cabin on a lake in the middle of Michigan. Pursuing a career in academia makes me a hawk for poorly presented arguments (I deal with crappy arguments in student papers and try to get them to think in more sophisticated ways than you see presented above. Sadly, no one did this for our friend up there.), and thus, I give you flaws on two levels: logic and audience.

First, logic. Since when does the government magically control gas prices? This letter makes it appear as if some entity called the U.S. Government can wave a wand and lower gas prices, rather than taking into account the complicated environmental and geopolitical factors that affect the price of gas (e.g. threats to the Suez Canal, dealing with Iran, general fear about unrest in the middle east that drives oil speculation through the roof, etc. etc.). I was talking with my boyfriend about this, and I think he put it most eloquently: “The U.S. Government doesn’t control the world.” Furthermore, because I assume this is the kind of guy who whines about how the Democrats have ballooned the government in the past four years (I will save my disagreement for another time), this assumes that the government is so big, so powerful, that it can (and should!) control other countries’ behavior(s) and control the economy on this particular issue. Just not your behavior or economic issues you decide are not regulable.

My second gripe here is audience. This guy obviously self-identifies as “middle class” and lumps himself in with “lower class” folks within the bounds of his argument. I hate to point this out, but this guy has two homes. He has a regular house and a cabin that is obviously some distance away, since the crux of his gripe is that he has to pay too much for gas to get there. Additionally, he has a boat. Or at least his parents do. Really? If you’re going to make an argument about the dire situation of gas prices, I really don’t think it serves you well to base your complaint on the fact that you may need (want?) to sell your boat because it’s too expensive to use it and you can’t go to your second home as often as you’d ideally like. If he had, perhaps, expressed concern about people being able to afford gasoline for their cars to just get to work, then I think we’d be maybe on to something–except for the fact that gas prices were this high at the end of George Bush’s term in office, as well, and really has little to do with drilling, as we’ve increased domestic oil production in the last four years so much so that we export more gas than we import.

I suppose asking people to be logical when considering political issues could be too much, but considering the audience you’re playing to should be a pretty basic step in political discussions. This is why Mitt Romney sounds, as Rachel Maddow has put it, a bit like Thurston Howell when he forgets he’s talking to people who don’t make ass loads of money every year and don’t, for example, own NASCAR teams. Even Gingrich and Santorum are better at considering audience than Mitt.

I guess I’m just saying try not to sound like Thurston Howell III when you’re trying to complain about the price of gas, ’cause it makes you sound like a douchebag.

Never fear, Lovey, we'll not sell our boat!

Everyone Poops…

Everyone poops, sometimes even while they’re at work.

Where I work, there seems to be outrage about people pooping.  Because it’s at work, pooping is crime.  What?  Why?  Look, I am not a fan of walking into a recently defiled restroom area, but sometimes people just need to go potty and I feel good about that.  We’re all here for 8 hours.  What if someone suddenly realizes they need to go at 10:00 AM?  Are they really supposed to hold it until 5:00 PM?

One of the women I work with came back from a bathroom break in horror – her eyes were blank, her face had lost its color.  She was in shock.  When we inquired, “What happened?”

She said, “Someone was going #2 in the bathroom.  Oh my god.  I want to barf.”  Most of the other people around us agreed that what she had just been through was truly horrific.  She was consoled by their outrage and genuine sympathy.  How dare a person poop in a public restroom?  How offensive?  How outrageous?  They were all so offended.   No one stopped to think that maybe that pooper was not excited about having to go #2 at work, but sometimes the body does what the body wants.  Have these people never dealt with a bought of unwanted gas?

Meanwhile, I was thinking, “Sure, I don’t want to experience that, but it’s a bathroom… so… it doesn’t seem all that weird.”  Someone pooping in a bathroom is not novel to me. It’s normal.  That’s where we’re supposed to do that.

I just don’t understand why this society is in denial of poop (by the way, that would be a terrifying name for a river…).  We all do it.  It’s going to happen.  Chill out.

It’s just not healthy to hold that in all day.  It’s not like people are maniacally planning to ruin other people’s bathroom experiences, they are just people who got to work, and thought… “Oh crap, I have to poop.”  Then, they poop.  They poop at work.  They are trying to be discreet.  They are trying to be quiet.  They run down to that weird bathroom in the basement.  They don’t want you to know.
No one wakes up in the morning and decides they want to poop at work.  That’s not a thing.  People don’t do that on purpose.  You don’t decide when to get hungry, when to sneeze, when you’ll need to pee, or when you’ll need to poop.

They call it “Going to the bathroom,” for a reason.  That reason is because it’s stuff you do in a bathroom.  That’s where they are.  Get over it.