Why can’t anyone poop?

I assume most are familiar with the above product, but in case you aren’t, this is Activia yogurt. For a long time, they advertised themselves as a yogurt to “make you regular,” or, in non-polite speak, make you shit if you’re currently unable. That’s what that discreet little arrow stands for. And it was primarily marketed to women.

Then you’ve got those fiber cereal/granola bars, which there are a ton of floating around on the market. These are also supposed to “make you regular.” In fact, fiber has become quite the buzz word in the past few years. There used to be products like Metamucil that were covertly advertised as poo-inducing, but the fiber craze has really taken hold as of late–the emphasis on this digestive aid has increased quite a bit.

Additionally, now the sugar substitute “Splenda” comes enriched with a bunch of other stuff. Splenda Essentials include B-vitamins, antioxidants, and (of course) fiber. In fact, the commercial suggests you put it in your morning coffee. I think the subtext here is, “If you couldn’t shit with Metamucil, get ready for your ass to explode.”

On the whole, these products are marketed as products to “make you regular” and they are primarily targeting women over thirty. So I ask: American women, why can’t you poop?

Now, this is not a matter of being too dainty to poop, since they’re all smiles and talking about pooping in a not-so-secretive way on primetime TV. They/we want to talk about “fiber” all the time, and any idiot knows what that means. So what gives? If you’re not too dainty, and you’re not too shy–because its painfully obvious that neither of these options is the case–what is wrong with you? Don’t you think that instead of self-medicating with all these whack products, you might need to go see a doctor? Or, alternatively, you could do something like eat a carrot or two. Eat some whole wheat bread. Pick a salad instead of a burger. Really, there are ways to get fiber that don’t involve adding it to your coffee, drinking orange colored and flavored powder, or eating weird yogurt advertised a little too enthusiastically by Jamie Lee Curtis.

Seriously! This is goddamn terrifying!

I leave you, reader, with the people who can discuss this best: the cast of Saturday Night Live.

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