Pooping scares people. That’s why people’s pooping patterns can tell us so much when dating…
The Politics of Date-Poop
- If a man poops in your apartment, the first time he is there, he is not interested in dating you long-term.
- If a man poops at your place right before he leaves to go home, he is an asshole without proper manners. Just wait 10 minutes until you get home!
- If a man discusses poop in front of you within two weeks of knowing you, he considers you a dude/bro, and he does not want to date you.
- If a new girl in your life discusses poop in front of you (if she’s a new mom discussing baby poop, she’s not crazy, just annoying… although, how did you dating a new mom…), she’s probably a weirdo.
- If a chick poops in your apartment without major stealth measures within two months of knowing you, she is not interested in sleeping with you. Girls tend to be pretty weird about poo.
- If a first date discusses bowel patterns, you need to run. RUN.
- If someone wants to involve poo or poo-talk, you also need to run. RUN!
- If a date says, “Sorry I took so long in the bathroom…. There was a line.” Believe them. They are trying to maintain their dignity. Just don’t make eye contact and move on.
- If your date is a potty-mouth, you may proceed. Well, if you’re fine with hearing every goddamn thing they say…