How to let your Valentine know you really wish she was 5 and had a tail.

Lately when I’ve been tuned in to MSNBC, I’ve noticed this really awful ad they’ve been running from a company called “Pajamagram” for their product called “Hoodie Footie.” Oh, yes, that is exactly what you’re picturing: full size footie pajamas for adult women. Behold:

What the HELL? First, I doubt any adult woman would be excited to receive footie pajamas from her Valentine. There is nothing cute or romantic about your significant other getting you the same kind of pajamas that five year olds wear. Let me repeat that: THERE IS NOTHING ROMANTIC ABOUT BABY PAJAMAS. If I received these for a Valentine’s gift, or really at any time, I’d start to wonder whether my significant other was a pedophile, or at least had weird pedophilic tendencies.

Additionally, what is going on with the leopard print one? A TAIL? This, on top of toeing the pedophile line, makes me think of furry fetishes–you know, those people who like to dress up in giant stuffed animal costumes and have sex. Yeah. This Hoodie Footie business is now doubly weird, right?

Thinking of this in the larger context that includes the infamous “Snuggie,” I’m starting to wonder who all these people are that are cold all the time, so much so that they need bizarre–and incredibly ugly–products in order to keep warm but still be able to partake in sedentary activities. Turn up the heat in your homes, you morons. Or, I don’t know, do something that involves movement instead of sitting around. That will be sure to warm you up.

FYI, Valentine’s gift buyers, male and female alike: your partner is not a child. Your partner does not need to look like an animal. There is nothing romantic about receiving a gift that implies you are or should be more childlike in the context of an adult relationship, nor is there anything sexy about being dressed as an animal (take note, Halloween costume creators!). The only people who want to have sex with other species and/or children  are socially shunned as perverts. For the sake of the longevity of your relationship, do yourself a favor and don’t imply that you’re one of them.

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