How to Tell Your Friend Her Significant Other Is Ugly

We all have a friend who is dating someone downright ugly. Every time you see them together, you cringe inwardly, and try to put the most enthusiastic smile possible on your face so they’re none-the-wiser. This happens. It’s not unusual. However, with the pervasiveness of social media, and some people’s tendency to post a MILLION pictures of themselves and their creepy-looking significant other, now you get to have a bird’s eye view of their makeout sessions and a little bit of their ugly permeating every part of your internet experience!

Okay, so I’m overdoing this a bit. But really, how do you tell your friend her boyfriend looks like a turtle that never closes its mouth?

First things first: emphasize her good looks. Your friend is pretty good looking. Tell her so. Maybe she’s dating turtle-man because she thinks she can’t do any better, so building her confidence will help a lot. However, you also run the risk of her sudden boost of confidence resulting in an even further overload of awful girl-on-turtle-action photos for you and everyone else she’s friends with. Beware.

Complain bitterly about hot girl/ugly dude combos on tv. There are plenty examples of this. My all-time favorite was King of Queens. Sorry, but Kevin James is not attractive, and his TV wife, Leah Remini, was smokin’ hot.

Even if your friend sticks up for James, insisting he’s “okay looking” or “at least he’s funny,” nip that shit in the bud. Stick to your guns; remember, this isn’t about Kevin James. It’s about turtle-man. Emphasize that it’s sexist and unfair that Leah Remini is so skinny, cute, and fashionable, while her husband is a tubby, sloppy, good-for-nothing. If she persists in her love for Kevin James, bring out the big guns. This is the guy that became “Paul Blart, Mall Cop.” Conversation over–you, 1; friend, 0.

If she’s worried about other girls coveting her man, make sure you chime in with, “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” Explain that he’s “different” from what most girls want. Explain that you don’t think a lot of girls would be attracted to “his type.”

When prompted with “Don’t we/Doesn’t he look cute/great/good/wonderful/whatever else” smile and tell her one of two things: You look great!” or “That’s a great shirt… did you give it to him?” Avoid complimenting him at all costs. She will try to make you. DON’T SUCCUMB!

Finally, think about why it matters that this dude is so ugly. Is it because he’s just unfortunate looking, or is there something worse going on? Is he ugly and a douchebag? Is he incredibly annoying? Is he a free-loader? Chances are that, unless you’re a miserable human being, you don’t dislike your friend’s latest flame just because he wound up with the ugly gene. You want what’s best for your friend, and an ugly jerkoff is possibly worse than just a jerkoff. So help her build her self-confidence, and when she comes crying to you about the new awful thing her boyfriend did, don’t hesitate to call her out: she deserves better.

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