2011 in Review: Dumbest Moments in Pop Culture

Honorable Mentions:  Casey Anthony.  Arnold Schwarzenegger has illegitimate child with his maid; kid dresses up as the Terminator for Halloween.  Ke$ha.

5. The Royal Wedding.  

While we’ve posted on the royal wedding before, we’re still amazed at how long this cloud of bullshit lingered (and continues to linger/respawn). First it was about the princess-to-be and the wedding itself.  Then it was about the hats. Then it was about her hot sister with the weird name (oh, right, “Pippa.”).  Then it was about her alleged and highly anticipated pregnancy.  Why everyone felt it so necessary to freak out about this, we’ll never know.

4. Kim Kardashian gets married… for 72 days.  Kim married basketball player Kris Humphries, and divorced him less than three months later.  Cue media firestorm: it was fake!  They did it for the money!  All of it is a sham!  Do you people not realize Kim Kardashian’s entire life is a scam to get your money?  Why did you think her marriage to this douche would be any different?  C’mon!  On a side note, I think the height-difference alone doomed them.  I mean, that would really, really complicate things… like dancing.

3. Justin Bieber’s baby mama drama.  Everyone’s favorite manboy singer was accused of having sex with some random nineteen year old girl in a bathroom at one of his concerts, resulting in her getting preggers.  We already posted about this, largely because this girl was claiming she banged a minor… for more entertainment!  Not only was it impossible to Google “Justin Bieber Baby” to get any information about this ridiculous story (given the title of his single), it was just stupid.  There’s so much wrong here.  First off, if you’re nineteen and you are at a Justin Bieber concert, you should be ashamed of yourself.  Secondly, I’m sure this kid has a little more class than to have sex with you in a bathroom stall.  I mean, he’s Bieber, he gets whatever he wants.  He would probably make love to you on a bed of candy or something equally juvenile.  Three, maybe you shouldn’t text people and reveal that you’re full of shit when you’re trying to scam a celebrity out of child support for the next eighteen years.  On top of that, maybe Biebs should have listened up on his Kanye West before hitting the bigtime: “eighteen years, she got one of yo’ kids got you for eighteen years.”  Just sayin.  However, the tweets about this stuff were, admittedly, HILARIOUS.  Nothing better than twelve year olds freakin’ out and calling some teenager a dirty, lying whore (which she was).

2. Charlie Sheen goes overboard on blow, “Winning!” If somebody didn’t realize Charlie Sheen was a little bit “off” before his coke addiction hit the fan this year, then you must’ve been living under a rock. The way news media latched on to this bombshell of a story, though, only happens once in a blue moon. Sheen is no idiot–he used his meltdown to his advantage, and is possibly one of the only celebrities I’ve ever heard of making money off of their sheer insanity caused by drug abuse. Charlie, you are, truly, a rock star from Mars.

1. Rebecca Black gives the world “Friday.” I don’t know what was more amazing: how totally, absolutely, and truly BAD this song was, the hysterical memes that resulted from it, or people’s unchecked rage toward Rebecca Black herself. This goofy YouTube video took on a life of its own and even created a template for a Kohl’s Black Friday ad this year. While the song was awful, you have to be impressed with a piece of music that causes such a guttural reaction among the public and is collectively condemned as the worst song of all time. Just think, Jefferson Starship had to work almost thirty years to get “We Built This City” declared as the worst song of all time. It took Rebecca Black about two weeks. Bravo.

We hope you’ll remember 2011 like we will:

2011 in Review: Dumbest Moments in Politics

Honorable Mention: Fear the Hippy Drum Circle. Occupy Wall Street took the nation by storm (if by storm you mean a large cloud of pot smoke) this year, driving fear into the hearts–and pocketbooks–of millionaires across America. So much so that spraying old women and peaceful students with pepper spray became the new norm.

5. Rick Perry Farts in Public. Perry’s brain fart, marked by that signature “oops,” on what government agencies to eliminate was almost too painfully awkward to watch. Especially when his colleagues tried to save him from embarrassment.

4. Anthony Weiner tweets his wiener. For those of you who followed our “Weiner’s Wiener Watch,” you already know the details of this story. While we admit we were slightly impressed (and we suspect he might have just been bragging), this was still completely ridiculous. Who “accidentally” tweets their bulge to however many followers and then proceeds to claim no knowledge as to who could possibly be posing as the mystery dick in the photo? REALLY? We are still shaking our heads.

3. Donald Trump ran for president. Really? I can’t say I’m surprised the Donald thinks he’s qualified to be president, but he was really taking this far too seriously–and it seemed like most of the media was, too–for far too long. The White House is already kind of like a reality show (CSPAN.. what!!!), but are we ready to have an actual reality TV star as our commander-in-chief? We’re not ready for Vice President Khloe Kardashian.

 

2. Michele Bachman.

This year, Michele Bachman claimed that the HPV vaccine causes Autism based on what a random constituent told her. She, meanwhile, forgot to consider that people getting the HPV vaccine tend to be teenagers. Not young children. Not surprisingly, Michele has the tendency to… well… neglect science. Additionally, we’d like to remind you–Michele–that the camera is over here.

1. Herman Cain. Are you on board the Cain Train?
a. What and where is Libya?

Our pal Herman tried to contact the space aliens who provide him with information (or his brain runs like a crappy version of Google–a.k.a. Bing) and was searching through the tornado “swirling” around his brain, but alas he could not locate–or properly pronounce–Libya. Uzbeki-beki-stan-stan FTW!

b. Turning America into Sim City: 999

Cain’s flat tax concept was apparently pulled from an old version of Sim City. No, we’re not kidding.

c.”Life can be a challenge.  Life can seem impossible.  It’s never easy when there’s so much on the line.” ~ Pokemon Movie Soundtrack / Herman Cain’s Campaign
A great poet also once said, “One booby, two booby, three booby, four…  I touched four new boobies, and now I need more.  I found me a limo, I filled it with tits.  I went to the strip club, and gave away tips.  I ran to the office to touch all the boobs, and there I found hundreds to rub up with lube.  I smacked ’em, I squeezed ’em, I made them my life; but I kind of forgot that I still had a wife.” ~ Herman Cain

d. How many boobies can one man honk?
(See above poem.)

Don’t Touch My Tattoo.

Seriously, don’t touch my tattoo without clearly given permission from me.  Unless invited to touch the naked skin of another person, one should refrain from doing so.  This has always been my rule.  Would you go up to a stranger and say, “Oh, I love your freckles!,” and then proceed to stroke and fondle their freckles?  I think not.  Would you, upon noticing a stranger’s shining locks, suddenly decide to twirl his or her hair with your fingers?  Definitely not.  I just don’t understand why normal adults would feel the need to touch other people’s tattoos.

I’ve been in the grocery store, a restaurant, a clothing store, a bookshop, etc. when I’ve seen someone (usually a middle-aged white woman) randomly address/attack some poor tattooed young person with tattoo-related questions, and then light to heavy petting of arms and other tattooed extremities.  It’s so awkward.  It’s so rude.

Tangent: Of course, I also don’t understand how it ever seems okay to someone to touch a pregnant stranger’s belly; there is a baby in there, and it’s not your baby.  You wouldn’t touch a non-pregnant woman’s stomach, right?  I don’t even like it when the people I date touch my stomach; if a dude reaches the stomach-touching-level, he’s got to be something quite special.

Anyways, I just think it’s really weird that strangers feel comfortable touching other stranger’s body art.  That’s weird.  Back off.  Stop touching strangers.  People don’t want to be touched by you.  People have boundaries, and you should too.  People like their personal space.  Respect the bubble.

Babysitters Are Important, Y’all.

Look, I get that having kids complicates your life, and that you will want to bring your kids with you to restaurants, stores, events, libraries, parties, and whatever else there is.  I get it, y’all.  However, as you continue to go through life with your child and/or children, remember that your crying baby will ruin everyone else’s dinner, shopping experience, party, study session, etc.  Your crying baby, your terrible two-year-old, your eight-year-old diva, your asshole-of-a-teenager are all part of the reason I cannot walk into a Target without getting a headache.

While I was out and about doing my Christmas shopping, I heard many a mother threaten their children with, “If you don’t do this, or stop that, Santa won’t bring you any gifts.”  First of all, that’s not sounding like great parenting.  Secondly, maybe you shouldn’t bring your four-year-old to Target two days before Christmas while it’s packed with other stressed out moms and dads.  That child is clearly going to melt down.  You are going to melt down.  Everyone else is going to be uncomfortable, and they will all leave with headaches.  Did you really need wrapping paper that badly?

Sometimes, you need to leave the kids at home.  Sometimes, you need a babysitter, a dedicated sister, a really amazing friend, or a grandparent to steal your child for a few precious moments.  You can also order things online.  Free shipping!  No lines!  No crying babies!

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re wondering why I don’t just stay home and avoid all the crying babies.  You’re thinking that I sound like an ass because I’m not considering that people can’t afford babysitters, and don’t always have support systems of people who can watch their kids.  There are a lot of single parents, and people who just didn’t have a choice of whether or not their kids would accompany them on their various trips.  I also understand that, but this website is devoted to rants, and this is a rant.  Obviously, I am not advocating for a kid-free world; I just want to go to Target without getting a headache because a three-year-old is mad about not getting candy.  I want to go out to lunch without fearing that someone’s child will throw knives around the room.  I want to read in a library without hearing anyone’s family drama.

Babysitters are amazing gifts from the Flying Spaghetti Monster and/or god.  Hire them.

25 Clues You Aren’t In College Anymore

Congratulations, recent graduate. It’s been either six months or a matter of days since you entered the real world.How’s that treating you? If it’s not seeming like finishing school is all its cracked up to be, never fear.

If you’re feeling reminiscent and often wind up confused–am I still in school? I don’t know… I can’t remember…–here are a few clues you aren’t a co-ed anymore.

1. Large groups of people standing outside the front door of your apartment building cause you to be slightly suspicious and/or uncomfortable.

2. Screaming drunk people on Tuesday nights kind of piss you off. You have to get up at 7am and work tomorrow.

3. When you find out a lot of 18-22 year olds live in an apartment building you’re looking at, your response is a unenthused, “Oh…”

4. Girls with skirts short enough that their asses hang out actually are whores. Like, the real kind that have sex for money.

5. You look at a house with a lot of plastic dishware on the lawn and don’t think, “That must’ve been some rager.” Instead, you think, “Why doesn’t this jerkoff pick up his trash?”

6. Backpacks suddenly seem… lame.

7. You are now familiar with hangovers. Too familiar. Honeymoon period over.

8. Bad decisions made while intoxicated seem to have much more gravitas.

9. At some point, what used to be forgivable dramatic fuck ups on the part of others are now painted as rude and unnecessary. And likely unprofessional.

10. Kids complaining about their professors/grad student teaching assistants/exams/papers/[insert necessary evils of undergrad here] seem whiny and stupid to you.

11. Rather than writing that shitty freshman seminar paper, you’re grading it. And hating every minute of reading that verbal vomit you know was written between shots of Goldschlager last Saturday night.

12. Suddenly, not everyone around you is wearing the same two colors on Saturday afternoons.

13. You actually have to pay for a gym membership.

14. Suddenly, eating pizza three nights a week sounds awful.

15. You go to coffee shops to drink coffee, not cruise Facebook while pretending you’re doing homework.

16. Your Facebook tagged photos are no longer you making that face you make when you’re drunk. They’re you with your fiancée on vacation or at the office Christmas party (and you’re not drunk enough).

17. Friday is no longer part of the weekend.

18. You go to Happy Hours regularly, but you’re almost always home by midnight.

19. Sweatpants are no longer acceptable to wear anywhere but the gym.

20. Waking up at 10am is actually sleeping in, not “waking up early.”

21. There is no longer any such thing as “winter break.” There are, in fact, no scheduled breaks at all.

22. You have more than just a 30 pack of Busch light in your fridge.

23. Sometimes, on weekends, you cruise websites for home goods.

24. High school students not only seem to be younger than you, but they’re downright babies. (You started high school almost ten years ago.)

25. It’s possible, nay likely, that a dog/cat/fish has replaced your college roommate.

Oh, Santa!

More terrible Christmas commercials. This time it’s Kay Jewelers and the woman who wants to bang-a-gong-get-it-on with “Santa.”

Really? This is as bad as that stupid “Santa Baby” song. No. No one wants to bang Santa, or anyone in a Santa suit. The Santa suit is a big red sign that says DON’T HAVE SEX WITH ME.

Look what Viagra has done. Yes, I blame you, boner pills. Otherwise there would be no way a 300 year old man who flies around in a sleigh with magical reindeer could get it up. Really.

You Probably Shouldn’t Make Out with Your Teenager

The other day I posted about that creepy Folgers coffee commercial with the, well, let’s just say “odd,” moment between siblings. I have more creepy stuff to report to you, but this time it involves parents. Making out with their teenagers. Yeah. You read that right. At a Minnesota high school thought it would be funny to run a prank during one of their pep rallies that involved blindfolding students and bringing in “mystery” kissers. Except those mystery kissers are their parents. Observe the YouTube video below, shot by someone at the pep rally:

If you’re now sitting in front of your computer with a facial expression that silently screams, “OH MY GOD??!!??” you are not alone. You have to wonder what’s wrong with the school, first of all, but it seems like school systems seem to make bad decisions perpetually. I’m grossed out, but not entirely surprised that someone thinks something stupid/gross/psychologically harmful/offensive is a good idea. This isn’t completely out of the ordinary. I’m more concerned about the parents of these kids. What they hell were they thinking?

As a parent you want to protect your child. I don’t think you want to psychologically damage them, or really even embarrass them in front of their friends, though parents often do so unintentionally. You also don’t have latent desires to make out with your kids. SO. Taking all that into account, could someone please tell me why these parents would lock lips with their grown children in order to (I assume) embarrass them as part of some kind of twisted gag?

Welcome to the internet age, Principal Wollersheim. Anything and everything you do has to be done with the idea that anyone, anywhere may view a video of it. With cell phone cameras and small digital cameras, there is now the potential for someone to be videotaping virtually anything without you knowing it. And it takes about 15 seconds to upload that stuff to YouTube. Not that this is an excuse for your utterly imbecilic idea to make parents kiss their children in such a sexualized way, but it serves as a good lesson and/or reminder for you and everyone else. Don’t assume an event can’t reach the outside world. It can, and it will.

Mostly I feel bad for these kids. How awkward and bizarre would the ride home from this event be? I would feel not only betrayed but totally creeped out. I would never want to be affectionate with that parent after that. Ew. Ew. EW.

As a person, I’m appalled. As a Minnesotan, I’m embarrassed.

Not cute. Not funny. Just gross.

I’m bringing my AK-47 to the Christmas Party

We are, after all, in a war, right? To save Christmas… Oh, we aren’t?

You’ll excuse my momentary rhetorical strategy of playing dumb, but the idea that there is some sort of ideological war against your Yule log is absurd.

Christmas is pervasive. It’s everywhere. I’ve seen complaints about this being referred to as the “Holiday Season” and otherwise intelligent folks getting all up-in-arms when someone wishes them “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” What gives, people?

I like to wish people a Merry Christmas. Sometimes I wish them a Happy Holiday(s). Sometimes I just say, “Enjoy the Holiday!” Once in a great while I may even pull out the “Happy Christmas.” (That’s only if you’re real lucky). In the past few years, I’ve become accustomed to wishing one half of my family a “Happy Hanukkah/Chanukah.” (Depending on their spelling preference, of course.) This doesn’t mean I’m some kind of Christmas-hating heathen. It just means my world view isn’t dominated by people who only celebrate the same holiday I do in the winter. Happy Holidays is just an easy way of covering all the bases. Instead of assuming someone is a Christian, you can still spread the joy of the season that comprises many holidays for people in all walks of life by saying “Happy Holidays.” You cover Christians, Jews, people who celebrate Kwanzaa, winter solstice-celebrating folks, atheists, and other groups. Instead of asking someone to identify themselves, which takes time and is, quite frankly, kind of rude, you can just wish them “Happy Holidays,” and hope that you made their day a little brighter.

If there’s one thing people need to recognize amidst all the celebrating by gorging ourselves and racking up a bunch of credit card debt on crap we probably don’t need but that makes us happy, is that Christmas has become a secularized holiday in addition to a religious one, and in both worlds the point is to bring joy to other people during a period of celebration (of togetherness, if you’re not religious, and of Jesus’s birth if you’re a Christian). So instead of outlining all the ways you’re different from (and apparently superior to) all the other folks who have holidays to celebrate during this time, maybe you should be more concerned with making sure everyone shares in the joy that marks this time of year by wishing people a happy holiday, whichever one they choose to celebrate.

Do you take your coffee with incest or sugar?

A few weeks ago, I was sitting around watching TV with my boyfriend when the following ad flittered across our screen.

After it finished, we sat looking at each other, both of us sporting that priceless, “what the hell did I just witness?” look on our faces. “Was that… weird… or was it just me?” I asked. Boyfriend agreed, the commercial was “creepy.” It passed without much further thought, until it came up while he was at work recently. His coworkers thought the same commercial was “cute.” He adamantly disagreed. So, this morning, when we saw it yet again I started to wonder if maybe it was just us. Apparently not, however. According to a couple websites, the spot is a remake of a Folger’s ad from the 1980s where the little girl is actually pretty much a baby, not a quasi-teenager.

Other than age between the two girls, there are a few other notable differences (e.g. the focus on the coffee and not on the awkward bedroom eyes between adult siblings). In the new version, it seems that the parents break up what is an awkwardly too-loving moment between the siblings when they enter the kitchen, and then the commercial just ends.

But seriously, Folgers. I don’t know any siblings who engage with each other so… earnestly. Sure, a couple of sisters will hug, brothers might shake hands or do the man-hug, but all the brother-sister combos I know are more likely to be giving each other a little bit of shit (“You’ve been on safari in Africa and you’re still pale? What gives?”). Apparently you got this in the beginning, but you still glossed it in Christmas-cheer-incest (“I must have the wrong house….!”). She even has to identify her relationship to our West African traveler by yelling “SISTER!” and pointing at herself awkwardly so we get the point that their hug and subsequent googly eyes are sooooo not supposed to be between lovers. No sexual tension here, folks, keep movin’. -Cringe- Here’s a thought, Folgers: find some actors who can really act like siblings and aren’t waiting to bang each other as soon as they’re off-set. It shows. And it makes me never, ever want to drink your coffee again.

Flirting. You’re doing it wrong.

I was not feeling very well yesterday.  This lead me to purchasing some cold and flu relief products along with a new thermometer, tea, and crackers.  Most cashiers would say something obvious like, “Not feeling so hot?” or “Oh no, caught that cold bug, huh?”  But this cashier, “Adam” as his nametag proclaimed, decided that I was in the mood for some bottom-notch flirting.  He said, “You have really pretty eyes.” I said, “Thank you [coughs].”

Then he asked me if I was a student “around here,” and I said, “Not anymore.”  Then he told me all about going to school at Eastern; including the fun fact that he is a sophomore…  I was trying to say that I wished him well with his studies, and I was trying to pay for my sick-goods.

Then actually said, “You should get coffee with me sometime.”  WHAT?  Where did this come from?  How do I look like your ideal candidate for dating, or flirting, or making out, or humping?  I’m a runny-nosed, four-eyed, dreary, tired, bloated, messy, mussed-up, annoyed, older girl.  Why are you asking me to get coffee with you?

This is when I said, “Um… I’m not really… Um…” So, then I fell silent like a weirdo and the rest of the checkout-y checkout was majorly awkward.

I really hope he didn’t steal my credit card information.