10 Reasons Work Baby Showers Scare Me

  1. I don’t have kids; I’m closer to the age of most of my co-workers’ kids.
  2. I don’t really want kids any time soon, so hearing about how badly all of these other people want kids at work makes me feel weird and scared.
  3. No.  Never tell a birthing story at work.  I don’t know you.
  4. Wait!  Why is everyone telling their birthing story? NO! NO! NO!
  5. Please don’t make me touch your stomach.
  6. Someone will end up asking about my love life, which will then lead to questions about when and how I’ll be using my uterus.  NO THANKS!
  7. A party without alcohol is just a crowd.
  8. I don’t knit.  Deal with it.
  9. I just don’t know you well enough to be hearing about the intimate details of your life.  I doubt you want me to know this stuff either.
  10. I’m supposed to cook something AND bring a present!  Oh good, it’s expensive and time-consuming.
Bonus: Too many ladies.  I just can’t handle this.  It’s all in my head, but it freaks me out.  Say NO to babies, y’all.

Stop Having Babies. Seriously.

I have never watched TLC’s “19 and Counting.” However, my boyfriend left the TV on the Today Show when he left this morning, and I happened to catch a segment with a family that was expecting their twentieth child.

WHAT THE HELL!? I immediately used the google machine to find out who these “Duggar” people were… and found their TLC show website. Oh my god. There are so many things wrong with having that many children when modern medicine has advanced far enough to keep most, if not all, of our offspring alive. A twenty-two person family is ridiculous. And some of those kids are having GRANDKIDS. How old are they, like 23? Good god, give it a rest–aren’t you already sick of never having a life and only knowing the noise of a crying child in your home? Get a dog or something for pete’s sake.

Additionally, the mom must have been pregnant with very little time non-preggers for the last twenty years. Who wants to be endlessly pregnant for two decades, and have to take care of all the kids you popped out along the way? If that’s not a living hell, I don’t know what is. Unless you are an attention whore and love the praise you get for being knocked up (because everyone who gets knocked up is apparently a saint. Way to go!).

If these people didn’t have a TV show, there’s no way they wouldn’t be living in or near poverty, unless they were independently wealthy. Giant families like this often rely on the generosity of others to pay their bills, buy clothes for their kids, and feed their family. This is not a cut against their work ethic or anything–just simple math. A family of twenty two is more like a small colony. Your family is four times bigger than what is already considered a large family (two parents, three kids). What really irritates me is that these people could easily avoid a giant family. It’s called birth control pills. Or a condom. Seriously. You’re not going to hell for it, and it’s more responsible to actually be able to raise the kids you popped out instead of making your older children raise the younger ones.

I just don’t understand the logic behind being perpetually pregnant and having a ton of kids. Just don’t. Seriously. Adopt some kids who need a home if you want a ton of kids. Having twenty children is just irresponsible and selfish.

Your “Baby Daddy” Is a Minor. Um…

Okay, Mariah Yeater, age 20, you had a baby three months ago.  I’ll give you that.  When you had that poor baby, you decided to name him Tryston?  That’s strike one.  You also went to a Justin Bieber concert at 19?  Strike two.  Strike three is that you are now claiming that when you went to that concert, you got knocked up by Justin Bieber, which means you had sex with Justin Bieber when you were 19, and he was 16…  THAT MEANS HE WAS A CHILD.  That means, your obviously bogus claim that a superstar knocked you up in a backstage bathroom also means you are claiming that you had sex with a child.

You were an adult – age 19.

He was a minor – age 16.

You are gross.

Any time a chick claims some famous dude is her baby daddy, I feel pretty skeptical.  The fact that this chick is claiming that a minor/superstar is her baby daddy makes me really angry.  I’m not a huge Bieber fan; I find him a little annoying.  However, the kid is talented and he seems like a nice boy.

This whole thing is crazy.  I really think this chick is lying.  If she’s not, it will break the heart of hundreds of thousands of girls.  If she’s lying, (which she is) then she’s pretty much screwing her kid forever.  That kid’s life will always be tarnished with the trashiness and desperation of his mother.




Your Facebook Baby

If you post a picture of yourself holding a baby, and the caption just says, “So cute!,” I will assume that baby is yours.  When I see a picture of you lovingly holding a baby with no information given, I will assume that baby is yours.  It’s only a natural reaction.  I’m going to be left with the impression that you’ve had a baby recently, and that I just didn’t know until now.  It’s not far-fetched.  Lots of folks my age, your age, her age, his age, all ages… are having babies, so I’m sorry, but I’m going to assume the baby you have in your arms is yours.

Which of you is the mommy? Is anyone the mommy?

Just label the picture.  Let all your facebook friends know that you didn’t have a baby.  All it takes is a simple caption.  For example, try, “My sister’s baby is cute!” OR “I’m an auntie!”  Just explain where the baby originated.  Everyone loves a good origin story.


On another note…