Top 15 Risks of Living Alone

Living alone will make you crazy; at the least, it will exaggerate whatever craziness you already possessed.  There is no one around to shame you into acting like a normal person.  There is no one to make you self-conscious about your food, dress, dancing, etc.  You can let it all hang out, and so you do.  As recently pointed out in a dear friend’s facebook status (she shall remain nameless, but I’ll just say she’s a Yooper), sometimes living alone inspires some fairly weird habits, idiosyncrasies, and general standards of living.

Here are the Top 15 Risks of Living Alone:

  1. If it’s yellow, it will mellow.
  2. Naked Monday.  Naked Tuesday.  Naked Wednesday.  Naked Thursday.  Naked Friday.  Naked Saturday.  Naked Sunday.  Naked…  sometimes being naked all the time is risky.  Sometimes you’re blinds might be left up.  Someday you might even make eye contact with the FedEx delivery guy while you’re dancing naked in your living room.
  3. Because you never need to create private spaces, you get in the habit of keeping doors open.  This makes hosting a little more difficult.  For some reason, people don’t like to see you pee.
  4. There is no one else’s schedule to think about, so you may end up staying awake until 3:00 A.M. and sleeping until… well, all day.  No one is moving about, or trying to sleep, so things get weird.
  5. No one sees you eat, and so you are not judged, or self-conscious about your decisions.  This means dinner might consist of only brussel sprouts, or perhaps only popcorn.  Sometimes, dinner also means half a tub of ice cream.  Like I said, things get weird.
  6. Talking to yourself when no one else can see you seems fine, but then you leave your apartment…
  7. A casual drink when you come home from work is still drinking alone, and that feels sad.
  8. “Clean” becomes whatever level of messy you can handle.  Underwear will roam freely.  Dishes will accumulate.  Beds will remain unmade.
  9. You have to defeat all the spiders.  Victory will sometimes escape you.
  10. You have to pay for everything.  Everything.
  11. Each bump in the night is inevitably a murderer, or a burglar, or goatman, or man-bear-pig, or your old stalker, etc.
  12. There is no one to shame you about all the singing, so the singing never ends.
  13. When you get sick, you’re on your own.  Buy a LifeAlert NOW.
  14. Your dancing will not improve.
  15. No one is there to monitor your farting… This can lead to complications.

3 thoughts on “Top 15 Risks of Living Alone

  1. I love living with my wife and kids, but there are times I’d like to live alone…for all the reasons mentioned above.

  2. Pingback: It’s Our Anniversary! | RANTING & RAISING CONCERNS

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