Watching “Chubby/Curvy Chick” Porn Does Not Make You Progressive

As a self-proclaimed “curvy” girl, I am all for the praising and appreciation of curvaceous bodies.  For the record, “curvy” is referring to bodies Christina Hendricks, Beyonce, the current Christina Aguilara, Jessica Simpson, and most of the Kardashians, this term does not and should not apply to random, tiny celebrities who claim to be curvy because they weigh more than 105 lbs.

Having a B-Cup isn’t enough, ladies!  Having a big ass is sufficient.  Having annoyingly large breasts will also do the trick.  Though, you are probably going to have to weigh a little more… you know, like 125 lbs.

I think there are a lot of great websites that can help curvier girls feel better about themselves, and I think having sites like that is wonderful.

Sites like SkinnyVsCurvy are doing it the right way.  Sure, it’s gossipy and not entirely nice, but at least they give due credit to the curvy ladies who look a heck of a lot better than some of the Lexy Anorexies out there.  Being too skinny is unhealthy.  Being too fat is also unhealthy.  Let’s celebrate the healthy range in a healthy way.

Celebrating healthy bodies in a healthy way probably doesn’t mean watching porn.

Porn is demeaning to all parties involved.  Porn is a major industry.  I know that tons of people love porn, rely on it, and are overall BIG fans.  However, being a lover of porn does not make you an academic; that’s not enough.  I know that most porn features women with bodies that have been perfected and sculpted by work out routines and plastic surgeons to create unrealistic, or at least rare, results.  Just like Hollywood, porn emphasizes a very particular kind of body as idealized, and it’s a kind of body that most women cannot achieve.  Most of porn is detrimental to the female image because its “activity and subject matter” depict women as objects, nothing more than desperate, helpless, sex-crazed weirdos; it also doesn’t help that the women look like barbies.

Of course, there are more fetishes and niches out there than imaginable, which means there is also a lot of porn portraying ultra-skinny ladies, ultra-fat chicks, any race, any place, involving any imaginable thing.  Heck, pick any noun, adjective, adverb, verb… It’s in a porn-o.

That said, there is a lot, like A LOT, of chubby bunny/curvy/chubby/not-so-skinny/something called “BBW” (google at your own risk) stuff out there.  This wouldn’t normally come on my radar, but earlier a random dude yelled at me while I was running – I’m not entirely sure I caught everything he said, but he definitely referred me to a specific site.  The weirdest part of this is that he wasn’t really saying that he liked my “situation,” he was mostly pointing out that he was proud of me for being confident in my body.  WHAT?  First of all, pick a new medium.  The cat-call isn’t right for you.  Second, no.  NO.

There are a bunch of sites out there that post naked pictures of “curvy” and/or “chubby” chicks to “empower them,” and to “make them feel more beautiful.”  

How the hell is a bunch of porn going to be “empowering” for me?  Screw that bullshit!  These sites are just fetishist porn sites that are claiming to be some kind of grandiose feminism.  That’s not how it works.  Feminism does not mean you show people your vagina.  Feminism is more about being powerful, smart, and capable regardless of your genital-situation.  Curvy chicks are not being helped by exploitative sites that praise giant boobs, round tummies, and bubble butts; curvy chicks are being helped by fashion that encourages their bodies to be seen as beautiful and normal.  No woman was ever helped to feel beautiful (in a healthy way) by a bunch of half-dressed, poorly lit strangers clicking on pictures of her vagina in the middle of the night.

Glorified porn sites won’t solve eating disorders.  They will only alleviate the pressure in the pants of certain dudes (and chicks).

*At press, this writer was not considering herself especially skinny, or especially chubby.  She also has yet to visit the site recommended by that empowering drunk guy.

Shaking Hands – Not Just For Dads Anymore

Shaking hands with people is part of being an adult.  It’s not just for dads and old dudes.  People need to get used to this because it’s a normal thing for adults and business people.  Don’t be a weirdo and offer your limp hand to a stranger while mumbling something that sounds like it might be a name as you stare into the abyss that is your iPhone.  You’re an ass.  Stop it.  Shake hands like a grown-up.  People my age don’t seem to understand the value of a firm handshake while making eye contact.  People my age don’t seem to have any people skills at all.  People my age are assholes.  For real, y’all… grow up.

A proper handshake tells others that you are confident, professional, and not a complete pariah.  A weird, fumbling, limp, gross handshake tells people that you are an idiot who can’t even figure out how to hold your own hand out for shaking.  Why are you so stupid?  Perhaps, I should say, “You dumb, why?”

Shaking hands isn’t just about manners; it is a sign of your self-image.  I meet a lot of new people in both of my jobs, and introducing myself like an adult is a big part of that.  People like when I look at them.  People like when I can grab their hand confidently and properly greet them.  It’s how you learn names.  It’s how you prove you know what’s going on around.  It’s a way to gain respect.  It’s a way to connect.  It’s how you do this shizz.

Be an adult.  Shake hands.  Look at people’s eyes.  Stop texting and look say your name clearly.

Don’t look like a douche.

Don’t be a dead fish.

Just shake hands like a real person, you hag!

 

PS – I typed this while my finger was bleeding a lot, so it’s extra special!

Do you want fries with that misleading sentence?

As someone pursuing an advanced degree in English Literature, I often am viewed as a Grammar Nazi or that old bag who stood in front of your fourth grade class and diagrammed sentences. Alas, I am neither of these things, and could generally give two shits less how well-spoken you are.

On the other hand, I assume that you’re using words that make sense. Which is why, when I passed by America’s favorite fa(s)t food joint today I began muttering and slapping my palm against my forehead. Their sign read:

Monopoly is back!

1 & 4 win!

It took me a few minutes to figure it out, but once I realized that what they said was not at all what they meant, it began to become clear. They didn’t mean “one and four,” they meant “one in four.” As in 25%. Instead, the dipshit who put up the plastic letters used the ampersand instead of the word “in,” and consequently made me think (albeit for a brief, fleeting second) that if I went in and ordered my go-to, the Big Mac, the #1, that I’d win something. Thanks for crushing my dreams, asshole.

In lieu of a more structured rant on the death of our language, I will leave you with a comic (that I believe someone sent me after reading one of the blog entries here, but I forget, so my apologies for not crediting you) that says it a lot better than I can.

 

The Bathroom Is NOT a Phone Booth

In the middle of my hectic workday, the bathroom is often the only quiet place I can be.  Those two minutes of silence are something I’ve come to enjoy.  Though, truthfully, I just enjoy my privacy.  When I am in a restroom, I expect to feel a sense of privacy.  I expect literal privacy too.  Lately, the bathrooms I’ve ventured to use have been attacked by loud-mouthed, pseudo-private, unsanitary phone-talkers.  First of all, you are gross, bathroom-phone-talkers.  You are all gross.  I don’t care what you do in your own home, but in a place of work, how can a person feel okay about having a long, loud phone conversation whilst pooping and/or peeing?  Have you no shame?  What will the person with whom you’re speaking think of you?  Why aren’t you worried about what your co-workers think of you?

Second, I am concerned that there are so many people who don’t seem to take if dirty body particles end up on their phones, phones that then end up on their hands and faces.  Phones are already creepily dirty – I read somewhere that phones are often dirtier than toilet seats.  Why aren’t these people more worried about germs?

Finally, I also just don’t want to hear about the personal details of your life, day, children’s life, children’s day, the soccer game you saw, the woman you hate, the state of your health, your mother’s health, your husband’s boss’s new car, the party you went to, what you hate, what you ate, what you’re thinking about, or any of that.  Most of the sounds a person hears in a bathroom are private and a little uncomfortable, phone calls are included in that weirdness.  I don’t want to hear this crap (pun-intended).  If woman are so discreet that they won’t poop in a public restroom, why will they discuss their personal lives in public restrooms?

It’s weird.  Stop it.  Please.

Reply (NOT) All

Don’t do it. You want off the listserv? Don’t you dare. I see you, about to push that reply all button. If you reply all and snottily ask to be taken off the list, instead of replying to the sender, I will find you. I will track you down with 400 of my friends and we will all slap you. Why? Because that’s how many people you just sent your request to, stupid. And 399 of them can’t do anything to help you. They are just annoyed and their inboxes flooded with your bullshit.

If you’re always so careless with your replies to emails, who knows what could happen? So do me and the rest of the listserv a favor, and think before you reply all. Otherwise, this could be you:

Wearing an American Flag Does Not Mean You’re Patriotic; It Just Means You’re Wearing an American Flag

 Wearing a flag pin on your lapel proves nothing about your patriotism.  All it means is that you purchased a cheap, tiny flag from a cheap, tiny tray of trinkets.  OR It means that your campaign manager found one on the ground and thought you better wear one before everyone accused you of being anti-American.  Apparently, putting a tiny hole in your suit proves your overwhelming commitment to America.  Right, that totally makes sense.  It’s just like how when you’re dating someone and they wear a cheap, tiny pin which prominently displays your face shimmering from their now holey lapel and you think to yourself, “Yes, this proves that this person truly and completely loves me in a mature and adult and reasonable and actual way.  I feel completely comfortable leaving my life and love in their clearly capable hands.”  Right?  It’s all clear proof and evidence of competence.

Wearing a flag pin, or flag t-shirt, or an “America, F*#k Yeah!” shirt obviously proves someone is both patriotic and a competent American politician.

EXCEPT THAT IT MEANS NOTHING! 

Hey, America!  Look at me!  I’m wrapped in your flagginess, which means I’m a super-qualified candidate for the presidency.  Who wants to vote for me?  Seriously, who wants to vote for me?  Do you want to vote for me?  Please!  Please, someone vote for me…

Sarah Palin is so f’ing patriotic, so f’ing American, she wears entire American flags all up on her body.  That’s right.  A measly lapel pin won’t do it for this mavericky, Russia-watching Alaskan.  In fact, the crazy pants probably wears American flag underpants, American flag bras, uses American flag condoms…   Wait, wait, I’m sorry.  She doesn’t use condoms because those might block “God’s plans” from happening, and if “God’s plans” get blocked, how does the world get more babies named after random objects, places, and mathematical practices?  Oh well…  My point is that this lady wears a heckuva lotta American-themed crap.  And yet, when I look at this picture, I see an incredibly annoying, over-coiffed, idiotic, clearly insane, backwards, homophobic bitch-face who is also wrapped in an American flag.

THE REPUBLICAN DEBATE

Look at all these jerks.  Only four of them wore flag pins!?!?!?!  What? How dare they spit in the face of America like this?  A flag pin is everything, especially if you’re a Republican.

Remember the last election, when Obama wasn’t wearing a flag pin on his lapel and people kept saying that it proved he was a terrorist and a socialist.  I just don’t get why these dumbasses don’t see that they need to be so American it comes out of their eyeballs and leaks onto their lapels.  Duh!

Everyone is crazy.  America is just a country that we live in; it does not need to be on all of our belongings.

Who came up with Baby Doll Tees, anyway?

Baby Doll Tees. You know, those tiny shirts we all wore when we were fifteen with stupid logos and cartoon characters and ‘sassy’ quips on them? Yeah. The ones that never fit right, and if you ever threw them in a dryer you could forget about wearing them ever again unless showing off your butt crack is your kind of thing. Happily, I grew out of wearing them (pun intended). It baffles me, though, how many I still see around. Who really wants to wear a shirt that obviously was not built for a normal sized teen or adult, but exactly what it describes: a baby? These stupid shirts never quite came down far enough to adequately cover my ever-lengthening teenage torso, which often resulted in the display of back dimples. Really that’s something I should have kept underneath my shirt… if it fit correctly. What continues to baffle me more than the baby doll shirt itself is the annoying idea that it is “made for women.” For example, the NFL recently began selling team merchandise for women, which means–

you guessed it–team baby doll tees. I get that they’re supposed to be cut for women (e.g. not baggy, have some kind of shape), which is great, except for the fact that they aren’t cut for women. They’re cut for pygmies or some other abnormally small race of people (e.g. children) who would be able to wear them without displaying butt crack or back dimples. Give me a shirt that is the right length, damnit!!!

Which, I guess is what we all wished for when the fashion industry blessed us

with those really long-torso style tshirts (which I can only describe as “tunic tees”). Admittedly, I still own a few of these, but they never made sense on my body and still don’t. But I was so tired of the stupid too-short baby doll tees that the ultra-long tee seemed like a viable alternative. What was I thinking?

Maybe wishing for clothes that actually fit instead of make me look like a small child or a hideously long-torsoed monster is too much. Or maybe asking, as a grown woman, to be able to wear something that is not associated with a baby or a doll, two things which I am obviously not, is too much.

One fine day, ladies, we will have clothes that actually fit real bodies. Until then…

Fetus Pornography Is NOT Helping Your Cause

Dear Pro-Lifers,

I get that you want every baby born.  I also get that abortions upset you and make you sad.  Abortions are hard on everyone, even the people who get them.  I really doubt there was ever a pregnant woman waltzing about excitedly at the idea of getting an abortion.  Thankfully I have never had to wrestle with that decision, but I promise that this is one I would take lightly.  However, I do have a legal choice.  Now, I know you’re mad about it; I see that you’re mad.  I am sitting here, acknowledging that your anger is an issue for you and that this issue is serious.  However, I don’t think you have the right or the reason to throw giant, enlarged pictures of bloody fetuses all over public areas.  Stop it.

These pictures reach a point where they are simply pornographic and indecent for public display.  Sidewalks and roadways are not text books; they are not even the same as public websites because someone at least chooses to visit your site.  When you subject the general passersby to your violent, horrific images of fetuses, you are publically displaying pornography.

If you had a problem with gang-bang porn, would you prove your point by publicly displaying giant images of penises coming in and out of vaginas?  Somehow, I doubt that.  I find your fetus pornography offensive.

For the record, I also find your assumptions offensive.  Why not just use pictures of Jesus holding babies to play up your obvious religious guilt angle?  Think about how funny/awesome that would be.  Think about how much less terrifying that would be for the various children, adults, impressionable people, young people, emotional wrecks, and general folks who don’t want to see bloody fetuses when they are walking to and from work, school, dinner, and so on.

Oh, and for the record, I was a choice.  Any children I have will be a choice.  Feel free to choose to disagree, but please keep your fetus pictures to yourself.

Making Out… In Public?

Making out is awesome; this is something we previously established in the post “Making Out: The Rules and Regulations,” which I hope you’ll take the time to review again.  Because people love it so much, it occasionally happens in public.  This bothers me a lot when it’s light outside, but when it’s dark, I can pretty much let it go.  It’s dark, you’ve probably been drinking, you’re super-horny, you’re in college, you have no morals, you don’t care about what other people think, did I mention that you’re drunk?…

The drunkies that make out in public are often in bars, or dark corners, which makes them seem less aggressively inappropriate.  Why?  Well, they have put themselves in locations where one might expect to see a solid, sloppy, drunken make out session going on.  No shockers there, just a trashy college bar.

Now, you might be asking yourself: if a bunch of drunk kids can make out in a bar, why can’t I make out in public too?  Answer: because you’re not 19-23, and it’s still kind of gross.  I will admit that I’ve done this… more than once.  Sorry, folks, just keepin’ it real.  I think most people have, at some point or another, made out in public.  Some of us regret it, some of us laugh it off, and some of us will deny it until we die.  It’s cool, y’all.  It happens/happened.

However, if you have enough mental stability (if you are sober) to know that making out is gross in public, you have no right to do so.  If you are old enough (over 21) and smart enough (didn’t go to Ohio State) to realize that you yourself would not want to see two stranger strangely getting freaky with their mouth areas, then maybe you should also extend that courtesy.  Yesterday I saw people well into/past their forties making out in a Starbucks.  What the hell?  I mean, first of all, who makes out in a Starbucks?  Second of all, these two clearly have a private space at their shared home where they could make out PRIVATELY.  It was really icky.  Find a private area to do that stuff!  You especially need to find a private space to mack if it’s going to get crazy-intense.  If there might be butt/boob grabbing, if there might be skirt-lifting, and/or if there might be little sounds of “enthusiasm” you need privacy.  You need it.   Take a look to the right and consider using this little gadget to some personal space for your make out session.  Save the public from having to see your tongues touch.  No one else needs to be in on your weird kissing habits – most people have a couple or more.  No one else needs to see a look of ecstasy on your or your partner’s face.  It is just weird and rude to do that.

I’m not against all forms of PDA; I think a little is endearing and can be perfectly appropriate for the average day and setting.  If you are at work, then PDA is clearly unacceptable and should not be happening for any reason or under any circumstance.  If you are walking through the park and you feel like a kiss, go for it.  Just don’t full-on go for it.  Public spaces ask us to hold back and to use our better judgment with our behavior.  We hold back on swearing.  We cover up so that we don’t traumatize young children.  We don’t drink.  We usually don’t smoke.  We act politely.  We should also not make out or do anything worse.

Folks, I’m just saying that you need to settle it down with the making out.  It makes me uncomfortable.  It makes everyone uncomfortable.  It also makes you look like a yucky person.

A Friendly Guide To Leggings… Because It’s Obvious You Need One

When I was about four or five, there were leggings. It was 1992 and they had the strap that hooked under your foot to keep them stretched. I hated them because I had overly sensitive feet and didn’t like the strap. We called them “stirrup pants.”

Eighteen years later, we apparently needed to go back to the awful stirrup pants we wore as children when we were cute, small, and it didn’t matter if our underwear and/or diaper showed through our pants. But, let’s face it. We’re adults now and this is no longer acceptable. It’s really not okay for you to be showing off your panties. I don’t care if they have the word “PINK” plastered across your ass. I just don’t want to see it.

There are right and wrong ways to wear leggings. Going to work at the office? Yeah, choose something else to wear. Skin tight cotton “pants” don’t really work here. Work at a dance studio? Perfect! Throw on those leggings. Leggings can also be okay if you’re pairing them with a long sweater or something that doesn’t showcase your rear. The image below, for example, demonstrates an appropriate way of wearing everybody’s favorite un-pants.

As you can see, the long sweater prevents any unnecessary ass-showcasing and saves me from having to read your underwear.

So, let’s get this straight: Good Leggings don’t showcase your butt in weird ways, aren’t translucent, politely conceal your underwear, and don’t look trashy/lazy/frumpy. Got it? Great.

Problem is, I don’t trust you. I know you’re going to go out there and buy an awful pair of leggings, and I’m going to hold myself partially responsible. So, I’m providing you with a simple, easy-to-use guide of What Leggings Not To Wear. Observe:

Pleather/leather leggings are a resounding NO.

Whatever these are… also a no. And put a freakin’ shirt on, lady.

Ripped leggings… Are you homeless? Do you pull your clothes out of the dumpster behind Goodwill? Then stop dressing like you do.

When pleather wasn’t bad enough, they gave us metallic leggings. Unless you’re the bastard leprechaun from Notre Dame, don’t wear these.

AKJSHDKLAJSHFKJASD?!/??!??!?!?! IF YOU ARE PREGNANT, YOU DON’T NEED TO WEAR LEGGINGS. NO!

Hopefully by now you have the tools and know-how to determine for yourself which styles of leggings are appropriate and which are not. So do us all a favor and lay off the bad un-pants.