Things Halloween Taught Me

This Halloween and the few past years of Halloweens have taught me a number of things.  Being on a college campus at this time of year means you will be seeing so many asses, boobies, stomachs, under-butt-creases, and tons of other body parts you might not have signed up for getting to see on your otherwise normal night.

  1. I have more shame than everyone.  I would just feel embarrassed wearing some of those things.  My butt feels cold stronger than any other part of my body, thus wearing something that exposes the bottom half of my bottom is not a viable option for me.
  2. Girls will do anything for candy attention.
  3. Literally anything/anyone/any character/any noun can become a slutty costume.  I saw a slutty Esmeralda on Saturday.  I saw a slutty cat EVERYWHERE I LOOKED.
  4. It doesn’t take a lot to make me feel fat.  Seeing a bunch of skinny chicks with six packs (who are drunk on six packs) displayed in their tan and taught glory makes me feel pale and a little flabby.  I just feel uncomfortable looking at them.  I also feel like it’s inappropriate.  Plus, not all the people showing their bellies have toned situations going on.  Some of those bellies are sad.  They all look cold.  They all look slutty.
  5. Nothing is sacred.
  6. People are pretty racist.  Also, racist people tend to have pretty ignorant friends.
  7. Drunk blankets are magical.  These are the same chicks who wear 12-inch thick coats, and furry boots all winter and spring because they are so cold.  Yet, on Halloween, these skinny little chicks can take almost freezing temperatures.  How?  The magical drunk blanket.
  8. Underpants = Costume.  LIES.  LIES.  LIES.  I saw a girl who was yet another slutty cat, and she was wearing cat ears, a corset, and sequined panties… What?  I saw another girl who was just wearing underwear.  I assume she was a stripper for Halloween?
  9. A lot of people have daddy issues.  Okay, so this one is an assumption.
  10. I’m too old to live here.  I feel uncomfortable and worried about all the girls dressed like this.  I feel like I want to check in with each of them to make sure they’re okay and not too drunk.  I just feel worried about them.

2 thoughts on “Things Halloween Taught Me

  1. Females are so impressionable, anything advertised as ‘sexy’ and ‘fun’ i.e. more appealing to others, makes it popular. Hey, if we can sexualize everything from war to consumer items, we can sexualize festive occasions; vain morons.

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