Things Halloween Taught Me

This Halloween and the few past years of Halloweens have taught me a number of things.  Being on a college campus at this time of year means you will be seeing so many asses, boobies, stomachs, under-butt-creases, and tons of other body parts you might not have signed up for getting to see on your otherwise normal night.

  1. I have more shame than everyone.  I would just feel embarrassed wearing some of those things.  My butt feels cold stronger than any other part of my body, thus wearing something that exposes the bottom half of my bottom is not a viable option for me.
  2. Girls will do anything for candy attention.
  3. Literally anything/anyone/any character/any noun can become a slutty costume.  I saw a slutty Esmeralda on Saturday.  I saw a slutty cat EVERYWHERE I LOOKED.
  4. It doesn’t take a lot to make me feel fat.  Seeing a bunch of skinny chicks with six packs (who are drunk on six packs) displayed in their tan and taught glory makes me feel pale and a little flabby.  I just feel uncomfortable looking at them.  I also feel like it’s inappropriate.  Plus, not all the people showing their bellies have toned situations going on.  Some of those bellies are sad.  They all look cold.  They all look slutty.
  5. Nothing is sacred.
  6. People are pretty racist.  Also, racist people tend to have pretty ignorant friends.
  7. Drunk blankets are magical.  These are the same chicks who wear 12-inch thick coats, and furry boots all winter and spring because they are so cold.  Yet, on Halloween, these skinny little chicks can take almost freezing temperatures.  How?  The magical drunk blanket.
  8. Underpants = Costume.  LIES.  LIES.  LIES.  I saw a girl who was yet another slutty cat, and she was wearing cat ears, a corset, and sequined panties… What?  I saw another girl who was just wearing underwear.  I assume she was a stripper for Halloween?
  9. A lot of people have daddy issues.  Okay, so this one is an assumption.
  10. I’m too old to live here.  I feel uncomfortable and worried about all the girls dressed like this.  I feel like I want to check in with each of them to make sure they’re okay and not too drunk.  I just feel worried about them.

Rompers romping everywhere

The “Romper,” also known as the “Romper Suit,” is a bizarre piece of clothing. According to the Wikipedia entry, it is “a one-piece garment worn by children and sometimes women.” Originally made for small children, women began wearing them in the 1950’s as “leisure and beach wear.”

More recently, however, I’ve begun to see them on teens and twenty somethings everywhere.

Is it just me or are rompers strangely childish? Something about them reminds me of onesie footie pajamas, but for summertime. Also, their inherent femininity seems to sprout from their nature as an all-or-nothing garment, which really bothers me. It seems as if this is a weird modern version of the chastity belt (forget quickie sex in one of these–ever), except with the alternative of total nakedness. There is no in between!

On the practical side, I also have my doubts–how do you go to the bathroom in one of these things? Do you have to strip down butt naked? Who would want to do that in an American public bathroom where you can pretty much peek through the cracks of the stalls anyway? Not me, thanks. Additionally, what if you’re a woman with a long torso? Or a short one, for that matter? It seems that it would be impossible to buy one of these things and have it fit correctly without major tailoring.

I just don’t understand why it is necessary to have pants on these. At some point, it seems to make more sense to buy a cute white dress–which I am suspicious is lurking at the far right of the above photo–that is more versatile (and when wearing, makes it easier to pee without getting completely naked).

Herman Cain Is America, and a Little Crazy

This dude and his staff dudes are crazy.

 

 

Remember Kate’s post “I Am America. Are You?” about that truly amazing song of Tea Party angst?  Well, now more people than that lady are America, and Herman Cain is one of them.  This guy is nuts.

Who the hell does he think he think has America right now anyway?  Also, if he wants to take America back and give it to the Americans, and he is also America… What does that mean?

I’m tired, so I’ll let Herman show you how crazy he is in his own words.

1. Muslims make him uncomfortable.

2. He’s a “real black man.”  Go to 3:14 ish.

3. “I don’t have the facts to back this up…”
4. “If you don’t have a job, blame yourself.”
5. “It’s not a person’s fault if they succeeded; it’s a person’s fault if they failed.”

 

Dumb Things I Received Today

So, I’ve written a post on dumb things I’ve heard, but this needs to be categorized as “Dumb Thing I Read Today” or “Dumb Things I Received Today.”

Why is a twelve year old sending me a friend request wondering if I am some person from some virtual park in some stupid Facebook game about contented domestic animals? This causes me to be concerned about the following:

1. Who has my name and is lurking around some site called Happy Pets? This is really bad for my image. Not to mention creepy.

2. Why is this little girl trying to friend random people on the intarwebz? Where are her parents? Additionally, speaking of absent parents and bad decisions, why does she have all kinds of fucked up face piercings and looks to be twelve? I could go on…

3. No, strange child, I am not the person from the park in happy pets. I’m the person who doesn’t want to receive stupid fucking friend requests from strangers, especially whiny twelve year old emo girls, on my cell phone when I’m trying to work.

WTF, ear cuffs?

This is an incredibly stupid product. I give you, reader, the “ear cuff.” What is up with this? It’s like a piercing, but it’s not. It’s just awkward and kinda ugly. Especially when it’s a skull next to the kind of earrings that suburban moms wear.

Why? Why not just pierce it like a normal person? There is nothing cool about this weirdness!

And if that wasn’t bad enough, how about an Avatar wannabe… blue and ear-cuffed:

THIS IS NOT PANDORA! DITCH THE EAR CUFF!

6 More Signs You’re Not a “Bad Ass”

Of course, there are more signs.
  1. You’re wearing a blue tooth.  You look crazy, not bad ass.  If you are currently driving a vehicle, then a bluetooth is understandable.  If you’re standing in line somewhere, or walking down the street, maybe just use your cell phone like a normal person.  Bad asses don’t need fancy gadgets.  Fancy gadgets hope bad asses will use them.
  2. You use pick-up lines.  Bad asses don’t need pick-up lines; they just know how to get laid.  And they do.
  3. You think Guinness is yucky, and you have other weak ass drinking habits.  Bad asses drink intense, bad ass drinks.  That means whiskey, gin, heavy beer, and generally German/Irish ales.  There is no light beer.  There is no need for Long Islands, or whatever else comes in a fish bowl.  Bad asses are fine without frills.
  4. You can’t drive stick shift.  Why can’t you?  C’mon.  This one is a given.
  5. Your masculinity is challenged and/or you feel uncomfortable wearing pink, going to the opera, shopping, cleaning yourself, etc…*  Man or woman, you need to be self-assured to be bad ass.  Plus, bad asses can appreciate a beautiful piece of art, taking care of themselves, and high-culture.  They’re not animals!
  6. You think a Hummer is more bad ass than a Prius.  Wrong.  A true bad ass knows that driving a Prius is way more bad ass than driving a Hummer.  Hummer’s are wasteful, and bad asses are economical in all they do.  They don’t want to expend a bunch of useless or unnecessary energy to get something done.  Why would they want to drive something that did?  Also, a bad ass realizes that driving a Hummer tells other people that you are self-conscious about your “size.”  Bad asses are definitely not worried about “size;” they’re good.
Bonus list for dudes only! Read below:
  1. You can’t grow a beard… Um, bad asses are at least able to do so.  Most of them shave twice a day.
  2. Every chick that won’t sleep with you becomes a “bitch.”  Bad asses can handle rejection, though it rarely happens.  Still, when and if it does, a bad ass knows that only little bitches think every woman is a bitch.
  3. You’ve hit a chick.  Sean Connery is the only bad ass who has done this.  It’s still not really okay.
  4. You’re straight, and gay dudes make you nervous.  Again, bad asses aren’t worried about what other people are doing.  Also, gay dudes are not attracted to every other dude.  Deal with it.
 

*This was re-worded for clarity.  We agree that bad asses can maintain their bad ass status whilst attending the opera.  In fact, we think many bad asses can appreciate the opera.  They’re too awesome not to.

Christmas in October? No, Thanks.

Dear World,

Why are there already Christmas decorations going up?  Why are people (ahem, Justin Bieber) already releasing Christmas albums?  Halloween isn’t even over!

I just don’t have the mental strength for this right now.

I would link to Justin Bieber’s video, but I cannot do that without feeling a little guilty…

My point is simply that it’s too early in the year to be thinking about Christmas.  If you celebrate this holiday so early, you’re going to be miss Halloween and Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is obviously amazing.  Halloween is also amazing.  Costumes make everyone happy; you don’t get costumes on Christmas.  Well, I guess you get a costume if you dress up as Santa… Or if you dress up as Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus.  If so, that’s weird in itself.  Why should we already be ready for Christmas?  It’s in two months?  Wouldn’t you judge me if I started prepping for my July birthday in May?

Enough with the Christmas!

Bitterly yours,

Patty

Ten Things I Hate About Starbucks

I would like to warn you that I have taken some liberties with the exact location of all of these occurances, but I hope you will forgive me. I’ve combined two coffee house experiences of my day into one.

 

1. Why is there a drink called “Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte?” THIS MAKES SO EFFING SENSE!!! Can you just stop with the alternate languages? The small is not tall, the medium is not grande, it’s fucking medium, and the venti is the only one that kind of makes sense but still–twenty? Twenty what? Twenty hairy old men in speedos on the corner? WHAT??

 

2. Yes, you see me. I’m alone. I am at a two person table. Yes. I am reading. NO, that’s not an invitation to come join me. Just, seriously, if you’re gonna do that at least ask Don’t just sit down! Maybe I’m not anti-social and was waiting for someone, you dick head!

 

3. If you skip my advice in #2, then at least do me a favor and don’t put your head down on the table after you’ve invaded my bubble and SLEEP. For the love of god. How rude ARE you? Just… really?

 

4. You’re way too excited about your drink. If the Starbucks baristas know you by name, and you go up to the counter to order “the usual,” you’re probably spending way too many dollars and empty calories on coffee-like drinks. Probably not something you need to be proud of. Additionally, if you’re this fucking happy on a Wednesday morning at 8:30, why are you even getting coffee you crazy morning person?!??

 

5. Stop with the phone. Really, I don’t want to listen to you make thirty phone calls while I’m trying to mind my own business and read. You are so distracting. Don’t you have a home? Or an office? Or better yet, a home office that you can make business calls from? Not a fucking cafe in a university student union?

 

6. Why, Barista, do you look at me like I have skinned a live goat in front of you when I order? I asked for a coffee and a salad at 2:30 in the afternoon. Is that a problem, or is the problem with your fugly face?

 

7. I overhear the dumbest shit in coffee shops. Seriously. Don’t believe me? How about this one: “Yeah I bought them at CVS, and they totally woke me up but they don’t have caffeine in them.” “How do you know?” “Well, like it wasn’t on the ingredients list…” Or try: “Oh my god, yeah, like, the Old Testament is bullshit. I mean the only people who believe that are Catholics and Jew people [I did not make this up. Not “jews” but “jew people.”] think that that shit actually happened. I mean not all of them do but then they aren’t really Catholics and Jews.” (No, moron, Catholics don’t read the Bible literally. And many sects of Judaism don’t, either. Before you go bashing people’s faith, maybe you should actually understand the tenets of their belief system.) This was followed later by a conversation about piercings and how sometimes they smell bad, like “rotting flesh.” WHAT THE FUCK, I AM TRYING TO EAT AT THE TABLE NEXT TO YOU. SHUT UP!!!!

 

8. No, I’m not going to tell you my name. Don’t write it on the cup. I don’t need to be named, I just need you to call out my drink. I’m smart enough to realize that if I just ordered and there’s three people waiting in line to pick up drinks, the next drink up probably isn’t mine. C’mon.

 

9. Why do all of your baked goods cost like $7? I hope you make everything with the finest, freshest ingredients known to man. At least, I hope your muffins taste better than your shitty house blend.

 

10. Number ten isn’t really a reason to hate Starbucks. I just really want to know, who’s the chick on the logo? And what’s wrong with her arms?

If you actually are interested in the logo, this website gives a pretty good explanation of how it got to be what it is.

5 Signs You’re Not Really a “Bad Ass”

Don is a bad ass.  He’s a Vietnam Veteran who snowmobiles, is not capable of drinking so much he could be drunk, has beaten up multiple jerks, loves him some jager, never does yard work without bleeding and never seems to notice that he’s bleeding, and he’s also a pretty ballin’ cook.  Boom.  Bad ass.

Kate is bad ass because she will cut you with her words, take you down analytically, drink another bottle of the cheap red, laugh at your stupidity, charm you into wanting to date her, and then she’ll cut you down again.  Oh, and she’s in a PhD program at 22.

Patty is a bad ass because she could kick your ass, drink you under the table, hem anything, clean anything, fix a lot of things, she has 7.32 jobs, and she’ll do it all wearing a pencil skirt and heels.

You probably are not a bad ass.  Bad asses are awesome.  They chop down trees, build houses, fix cars, beat up dudes who are assholes, don’t flinch when they bleed, and aren’t afraid of getting a little dirty to get it done (regardless of the it).

Urban dictionary defines bad ass a number of ways, but my favorite snippets are:

Badass:

  1. Ultra-cool motherfucker.
  2. The badass is an uncommon man of supreme style. He does what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. You won’t find him on facebook, myspace, msn, et cetera because he is probably out being cool somewhere.
  3. Awesome to an extreme level, thereby leveraging unquestionable authority.
  4. “Sam Elliott’s mustache = badass.”
  5. Infinitely cool, über awesome, hardcore to the extreme.  “Say what you will about Bruce Lee or Chuck Noris, Tsutomu Yamaguchi is, hands down, the most badass example of a badass ever to walk the earth: Tsutomu Yamaguchi was the only known survivor of BOTH atomic blasts. He died at age 93 on January 6, 2010.”  There is NOTHING more bad ass than that.
There are a lot of people, mostly dudes, who claim to be bad ass, but most of them aren’t.  If you think you are a bad ass, read the following carefully.
5 Signs You’re Not Really a “Bad Ass”
  1. You are wearing a polo shirt, and it’s not a uniform.  First of all, bad asses don’t really wear uniforms.  Second of all, polos are for English guys, and frat boys.  If you’re English, we’ll allow a polo if you wore it while playing polo.  If you are a frat boy, shut up, you’re not a bad ass.
  2. The sight of blood makes you feel nauseated.  A true bad ass in not bothered in the slightest by blood.  A true bad ass usually doesn’t notice their own, but will come to the aid of others who bleed.
  3. You can’t fix or even identify what’s wrong with your car/fridge/sink/motorcycle/computer.  Bad asses fix shit.  If you cannot fix anything, you’re not bad ass.
  4. You can’t do mental math.  Math is bad ass.
  5. You don’t know how to throw a punch.  Punching is a big part of being a bad ass.  Fighting is important.
There are many other signs, so proceed claiming to be a bad ass carefully.

I AM AMERICA. ARE YOU?

I’m gonna make this short and sweet.

A. This song is awful. Formally AND for its shitty content. (80s dance party, anyone?)

B. The Tea Partiers have long needed to stop being so self-righteous.

C. The Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street are the same bullshit. They’re both movements who have made it very clear what they’re against and have offered no possible solutions to the problems they have identified other than ones that revolve around absence (e.g. stop government spending or stop giving tax cuts to corporations and millionaires). Neither of these things are helpful.

D. This song is so bullshit.