Avril Lavigne is a Vampire.

Avril Lavigne hit it big about ten years ago, with the release of her album Let Go, which was a collection of sudo-punk-pop songs about boys, moving, and being an angsty teenager.  It was 2002.  She was 17ish.  It was obviously a magical time for everyone alive and with a radio.  “Complicated” was a No. 1 hit, “Sk8er Boi” was huge.  She was kind of a big deal.  As an angsty pre-teen, I was quite a fan.  She was right, “everything [was] changing, out of my control,” and I listened to this seemingly hard-shelled Canadian lady who yodeled, rapped and sang the same way I wrote poorly composed, wildly emotional poetry.
Want to hear her rap?  Click here!
At that age, I thought she was the coolest thing ever.  She had that long, flawless hair.  She wore a wife beater, a tie and boy-pants.  It blew my mind.  She wore plastic bracelets, skater shoes, sweatbands and all sorts of star-themed jewelry.  Her eyeliner was not messing around.  Duh, she was the coolest.  Even though I was chubby and still clearly in my awkward phase (of which I think I’m finally almost out), I emulated these style choices a little.  On the first day of high school, I wore a necklace I had made entirely from paperclips.  I went through a “dark” period, but we don’t need to worry about that.  What I really want to focus on is that Avril Lavigne was cool; she didn’t give a hoot, and it showed.

She went to the Grammy Awards in a weird blue and black tuxedo.  She messed with mall cops.  She gave the finger like it was her job.
She told stories of “boi”s and “gurlz” from different worlds… You know, like a white kid who is middle class, but still liked to skateboard, dating a girl who also has some money from her parents, but she does ballet.  So, obviously, there was nothing else she could say.

We were all haunted by her lyrical prowess.
Then, a few years passed by and everything seemed normal.  Avril released some more music, but I didn’t really care.  I had moved on to bigger and better things, you know, like Blink-182 and Incubus.  I wasn’t paying enough attention.  It wasn’t until recently, with the release of her latest album that I realized something: Avril Lavigne is a vampire.
Don’t believe me?  I have evidence.


She Has Not Aged – At All


She seriously looks the same.  Okay, she wears more make-up.  Okay, her hair is blonder and occasionally multi-colored.  Other than that, she looks the same.
Same!  Same!
She Also Hasn’t Matured – At All
Yeah, she wears more make up and she wears more skirts, but that doesn’t have a thing to do with actual maturity.  Her song lyrics are still simplistic and annoying.
For the Most Part, She Dresses the Same 
More skirts, fewer ties, still a teenage sk8er chick.
Her Music Is The Same – Weirdly the Same
Even when “Sk8er Boi” came out (ugh, writing that out still makes me cringe), I knew it was bad.  Almost 10 years later, Avril released “Girlfriend,” which is possibly one of the worst songs of the decade.  It’s pop-yelling, Canadian white girl rapping, sudo-punk, middle school anger pop.  It is awful.
Other people agree.  Click here!
Her latest song, “Wish You Were Here,” also has amazing lyrics:
There’s a girl
who gives a shit
behind this wall
You’ve just walked through itAnd I remember all those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You’re always there, you’re everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.
All those crazy things we did
Didn’t think about it, just went with it
You’re always there, you’re everywhere
But right now I wish you were hereDamn, Damn, Damn,
What I’d do to have you
here, here, here
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I’d do to have you
near, near, near
I wish you were here.
Damn, damn, damn… You’re a vampire!
She Can’t Tan – I think…
Or, at least, I’ve never seen her with a tan.
Her Teeth – They’re a Little Vampiric       
I want to suck your blood!

If you have additional evidence of Avril Lavigne being a vampire, please let us know.

One thought on “Avril Lavigne is a Vampire.

  1. Pingback: It’s Our Anniversary! | RANTING & RAISING CONCERNS

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s