Crush that Crush: A User’s Guide

So, you have a crush.  Now what?  There are always many possibilities as the beginnings of a crush form and latch on to a given subject.  Some of these options are wonderful, involving sex, love and cuddling; some of these options are more on the terrible side, including pining, wishing, praying, crying, drinking, more crying, and stalker-like activities.

Basically, once you have a crush, you can either do nothing, or do something.  Your first choice (do nothing) will leave you lonely and pining away after an unattainable fantasy until someone new fills that fantasy-void.  Your second option (do something), while riskier, gives you the possibility of actually realizing this fantasy by possibly dating, kissing, talking to, sleeping with and loving that special someone.  If you choose to do nothing, I can’t help you.  If you want to do something, continue reading.

  1. Makes eyes at your crush (look at them in a sexy/alluring way) to tell them that you’re interested.
  2. Talk to them.  Talk to them like a normal person.  You do not need to discuss ex-lovers, your tedious work schedule, or your sexual abnormalities.  Just talk to them about what you like and what you do.  Ask them about what they like and what they do too.
  3. Make sure your sexual orientations are compatible.  Example: If you’re a girl, and she’s a girl, make sure you both like girls.
  4. Read them.  Watch for micro-expressions, body language and eye contact.  If they’re into you, they’ll be showing it.
  5. Listen to them.  Don’t just hear sounds; listen to the words and their real meanings.  If you ask someone what they’re doing this weekend and they say they’re busy, pay attention to how they break that news.  If they say, “Oh, I’m just really busy this weekend… Sorry,” maybe they’re not so interested.  But, if they say, “I have to go to a wedding this weekend, but I’m free next week…” they might be interested.  They’re giving you an opening.  Work on that, fool!
  6. Take them on a date.  Don’t just try to make out with your crush; take them on a date.
  7. Be nice.
  8. Dress well.
  9. Be funny.
  10. Be a little weird, but not scary.
  11. Settle the horniness down.
  12. Don’t be a criminal.
  13. Speak well.
  14. Be smart.
  15. Tell amazing stories, jokes and tall tales.
  16. Try not to be a douche-bag.
  17. Shower frequently.
  18. Don’t get super-drunk around them.
  19. Smell better.
  20. Be hot, or whatever they’re into, or whatever you’re into…  We’re all beautiful.
  21. Work on you.
  22. Speak Japanese (optional).
  23. Figure out a way to get them see you eat something impressively spicy.
  24. When the opportunity arises to blow their mind beyond anything they ever thought possible, whether it’s with meeting James Marsters, going to a Pharrell concert, getting drunk with Jimmy Fallon, or having sex with you, BLOW THEIR MIND.

You can do it.  So, do it.

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